Have you ever felt “stuck” talking with someone? Like, trapped in a conversation and you can’t get off the phone or excuse yourself easily?
Trouble saying “no” to someone?
Awkward about breaking up, making a change, or confronting someone?
Ew.
Yah, I hate this dilemma.
…..so you just say…..
Trouble is, you’re looking at that kind of situation as if there’s only a few options, and you’re picking the Least Difficult.
In other words, both or all of the options are rough.
There is no “good” or “happy” or “easy” or cotton-ball puffy sweet candy-corn option.
It seems the Truth will hurt.
Awwwww, can’t we have just one little tiny good sweet option? A nice escape hatch? An option where no one gets upset at all and we all wind up happier than ever?
Uh, No.
But here’s the thing. Why do you want it to be easy, smooth, saccharin, or simple?
I’ve only dreamed of “better options” when the direct route feels very dangerous. When what I imagine about saying “no” or telling the truth is pretty dismal and hard because of disappointment and separation.
So for example.
I had a really wonderful friend once. She was intelligent, articulate, funny and a sharp red head. We loved the same topics about psychology, human behavior, spirituality, God and relationships.
We would start talking over a meal, which appeared to happen maybe every 6 weeks or 2 months.
And then I’d look at my watch after a couple of hours.
It was soooooo great for a couple of hours. Then I’d want to do something else. I’d want to stop perseverating over the same issue or problem in human behavior, or in our lives, that we had already discussed before.
Don’t get me wrong. A deep and intimate conversation is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I love to listen, I love to open my mind to I-Don’t-Know with everyone and see what happens.
But what happened when I got the message from within that it was now bedtime? Time to hug goodnight and move to what was next? Time to say “I’m done”?
People agonize over this when considering leaving a long-term partnership.
Here’s one of the best exercises to do, if you’re wondering how to stop making lists of Pro and Con and stop humming Should I Stay or Should I Go Now by the Clash.
Imagine the worst case scenario.
In my mind, I see me interrupting my red-haired friend mid-stream saying, “I have to call time out right now. I’m not comfortable interrupting, and I’m very tired and need to head home to sleep. I love talking with you and am worried about you taking this personally….and it’s beddy-bye for me.”
And standing up and leaving.
Or any of these possible variations.
I used to think I needed to say it so brilliantly well, it wouldn’t hurt her feelings.
But in this vision of the worst case, she was very hurt.
And I already knew she was sensing my withdrawal sometimes.
She would be careful, and try not to overwhelm me with too-soon dinner date appointments.
I would hear her say “I don’t want to bug you, but it’s been 2 months and I’d love to catch up” and I’d have a little clutch in my gut that didn’t really want to…..wanted to, but not too much.
Time for a worksheet, imagining the worse case scenario, so I can really get down on paper what I’m most concerned about.
I start to write.
I am upset because she’s too big, convincing, charismatic, excitable, charming, verbal. I’m troubled because if I say no to her, she’ll get wounded. I’ll hurt her feelings very deeply. Then, she’ll hurt me back.
I had a vivid picture in my head of her feeling angry.
I was also frightened of her turning her hurt towards herself, not just me. I was afraid she’d get depressed and snap at her kids and husband. I was afraid she would blame me and call me a bitch.
Boy. I sure was assuming a lot about what would happen.
I was also assuming a lot about what was good or not good for her, rather than remembering to simply stay connected to my own inner voice of awareness, with love and trust.
What if, knowing her pretty well, it was actually fairly predictable?
Except, I didn’t even give her the benefit of the doubt. I just assumed, without questioning. I didn’t say anything. I avoided if possible. So I silently stayed longer than I wanted to.
And get this….I even assured her, if she vaguely questioned if I wanted to go, that it was OK and maybe in twenty minutes and thanks for paying attention to the time I almost forgot myself (what a liar).
I waited for a clear sign….the kind where it was obvious she was a) screwed up or b) able to hear me.
Never. Going. To. Happen.
You may wait forever if you’re waiting for the Other Person to bring up this important thing on the inside of YOU.
So let’s look today, at the worse case scenario.
I said no. I hurt her when I told the truth.
She’s mad, very sad, and howling.
My truth hurt her.
Is that true?
Yes.
What a mean person I am. I’m kind of cold. I’m so detached. How did I get like this? I should be nicer. I should care about her more.
See…..already went flying into how I react internally when I believe this thought.
But first, is it absolutely true? For sure 100% all time true that I hurt her with the truth?
No. I really do not know.
I NEVER TOLD THE WHOLE TRUTH! So how would I know if it hurt?
Now…..how do you react when you believe you hurt someone? (Or, you could?)
CAREFUL.
Slow, deliberate, not peaceful. Kinda like I’m backing out of the room slowly. Ready to feel a knife stab me from behind.
It’s like it’s super dangerous. I’m seeing her as very needy, and trigger hot. She has few friends. She’s ditched people before. I need to be the good friend, the close one, the loyal one.
Yikes.
Who would I be without the belief I could hurt her if I tell the truth?
Noticing how much I’m the very same as her.
Noticing how I perceive her, and her qualities, as dangerous.
Because why?
Because I don’t face them, feel them myself, accept them as a part of me, too.
Wow.
Who would I be without my story that the truth, hurts?
Connected. In contact. Speaking the truth, and not running the minute I say it. Not ducking like I’ll be hit.
Willing to get yelled at. Open to anything that’s real.
Turning the thought around: She won’t get hurt when I tell the truth. Not ultimately. Not really. She’ll believe her thoughts, or she won’t. That’s it.
Especially if I think getting hurt means having strong feelings. (Which I don’t anymore).
I could cry, or get scared, or feel exposed and broken open. I might feel sad that she’s sad, or angry that she’s angry.
(Been there, done that).
How about another turnaround?
We’ll both get healed when I tell the truth.
This will go where it needs to go. It will unfold the way that’s best for everyone. The outcome is not up to me.
And guess what happened in that relationship?
She ditched me….and I never told the truth.
So yeah, the final turnaround: if I do NOT tell the truth, she’ll get hurt.
Oh.
“It is not easy to keep silent, when silence is a lie.” ~ Victor Hugo
Much love,
Grace