Tag: speaking up

Posted on

Not speaking up? Worse than you think!

Not speaking what's true might be hurting just as much as what you fear about speaking up
Not speaking what’s true might be hurting just as much as what you fear about speaking up

Have you ever felt “stuck” talking with someone? Like, trapped in a conversation and you can’t get off the phone or excuse yourself easily?

Trouble saying “no” to someone?

Awkward about breaking up, making a change, or confronting someone?

Ew.

Yah, I hate this dilemma.

You know they’re going to be upset, or worried, or angry, or hurt, or take it personally…..

…..so you just say…..

…..nothing.

Trouble is, you’re looking at that kind of situation as if there’s only a few options, and you’re picking the Least Difficult.

In other words, both or all of the options are rough.

There is no “good” or “happy” or “easy” or cotton-ball puffy sweet candy-corn option.

It seems the Truth will hurt.

Awwwww, can’t we have just one little tiny good sweet option? A nice escape hatch? An option where no one gets upset at all and we all wind up happier than ever?

Uh, No.

But here’s the thing. Why do you want it to be easy, smooth, saccharin, or simple?

I’ve only dreamed of “better options” when the direct route feels very dangerous. When what I imagine about saying “no” or telling the truth is pretty dismal and hard because of disappointment and separation.

So for example.

I had a really wonderful friend once. She was intelligent, articulate, funny and a sharp red head. We loved the same topics about psychology, human behavior, spirituality, God and relationships.

We would start talking over a meal, which appeared to happen maybe every 6 weeks or 2 months.

And then I’d look at my watch after a couple of hours.

It was soooooo great for a couple of hours. Then I’d want to do something else. I’d want to stop perseverating over the same issue or problem in human behavior, or in our lives, that we had already discussed before.

Don’t get me wrong. A deep and intimate conversation is one of my favorite things in the whole world. I love to listen, I love to open my mind to I-Don’t-Know with everyone and see what happens.

But what happened when I got the message from within that it was now bedtime? Time to hug goodnight and move to what was next? Time to say “I’m done”?

People agonize over this when considering leaving a long-term partnership.

Here’s one of the best exercises to do, if you’re wondering how to stop making lists of Pro and Con and stop humming Should I Stay or Should I Go Now by the Clash.

Imagine the worst case scenario.

In my mind, I see me interrupting my red-haired friend mid-stream saying, “I have to call time out right now. I’m not comfortable interrupting, and I’m very tired and need to head home to sleep. I love talking with you and am worried about you taking this personally….and it’s beddy-bye for me.”

And standing up and leaving.

Or any of these possible variations.

I used to think I needed to say it so brilliantly well, it wouldn’t hurt her feelings.

But in this vision of the worst case, she was very hurt.

And I already knew she was sensing my withdrawal sometimes.

She would be careful, and try not to overwhelm me with too-soon dinner date appointments.

I would hear her say “I don’t want to bug you, but it’s been 2 months and I’d love to catch up” and I’d have a little clutch in my gut that didn’t really want to…..wanted to, but not too much.

Time for a worksheet, imagining the worse case scenario, so I can really get down on paper what I’m most concerned about.

I start to write.

I am upset because she’s too big, convincing, charismatic, excitable, charming, verbal. I’m troubled because if I say no to her, she’ll get wounded. I’ll hurt her feelings very deeply. Then, she’ll hurt me back.

I had a vivid picture in my head of her feeling angry.

I was also frightened of her turning her hurt towards herself, not just me. I was afraid she’d get depressed and snap at her kids and husband. I was afraid she would blame me and call me a bitch.

Boy. I sure was assuming a lot about what would happen.

I was also assuming a lot about what was good or not good for her, rather than remembering to simply stay connected to my own inner voice of awareness, with love and trust.

What if, knowing her pretty well, it was actually fairly predictable?

Except, I didn’t even give her the benefit of the doubt. I just assumed, without questioning. I didn’t say anything. I avoided if possible. So I silently stayed longer than I wanted to.

And get this….I even assured her, if she vaguely questioned if I wanted to go, that it was OK and maybe in twenty minutes and thanks for paying attention to the time I almost forgot myself (what a liar).

I waited for a clear sign….the kind where it was obvious she was a) screwed up or b) able to hear me.

Never. Going. To. Happen.

You may wait forever if you’re waiting for the Other Person to bring up this important thing on the inside of YOU.

So let’s look today, at the worse case scenario.

I said no. I hurt her when I told the truth.

She’s mad, very sad, and howling.

My truth hurt her.

Is that true?

Yes.

What a mean person I am. I’m kind of cold. I’m so detached. How did I get like this? I should be nicer. I should care about her more.

See…..already went flying into how I react internally when I believe this thought.

But first, is it absolutely true? For sure 100% all time true that I hurt her with the truth?

No. I really do not know.

I NEVER TOLD THE WHOLE TRUTH! So how would I know if it hurt?

Now…..how do you react when you believe you hurt someone? (Or, you could?)

CAREFUL.

Slow, deliberate, not peaceful. Kinda like I’m backing out of the room slowly. Ready to feel a knife stab me from behind.

It’s like it’s super dangerous. I’m seeing her as very needy, and trigger hot. She has few friends. She’s ditched people before. I need to be the good friend, the close one, the loyal one.

Yikes.

Who would I be without the belief I could hurt her if I tell the truth?

Noticing how much I’m the very same as her.

Noticing how I perceive her, and her qualities, as dangerous.

Because why?

Because I don’t face them, feel them myself, accept them as a part of me, too.

Wow.

Who would I be without my story that the truth, hurts?

Connected. In contact. Speaking the truth, and not running the minute I say it. Not ducking like I’ll be hit.

Willing to get yelled at. Open to anything that’s real.

Turning the thought around: She won’t get hurt when I tell the truth. Not ultimately. Not really. She’ll believe her thoughts, or she won’t. That’s it.

Another turnaround: I’ll get hurt when I tell the truth. Well, yeah.

Especially if I think getting hurt means having strong feelings. (Which I don’t anymore).

I could cry, or get scared, or feel exposed and broken open. I might feel sad that she’s sad, or angry that she’s angry.

(Been there, done that).

How about another turnaround?

We’ll both get healed when I tell the truth.

This will go where it needs to go. It will unfold the way that’s best for everyone. The outcome is not up to me.

And guess what happened in that relationship?

She ditched me….and I never told the truth.

So yeah, the final turnaround: if I do NOT tell the truth, she’ll get hurt.

Oh.

“It is not easy to keep silent, when silence is a lie.” ~ Victor Hugo

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

He or She Should Talk

Just finished the third teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality this morning. I love what people discover and see as possible in those uncomfortable moments around sexuality of any kind.

Today, we were looking at a couple of concepts….but I could really relate to one of them.

He should talk about sex, or having sex, or his thoughts, his feelings, what’s going on with him over there.

This thought happens in tons of situations between people, not just love and sex.

Someone will be doing something, sitting there like a lump NOT doing something, not speaking.

And we think with frustration “they should speak!”

Without that belief, however….what spectacular freedom. You notice silence, the empty space in the room, the look on the person’s face, the feelings in your own body and your own heart.

You may notice you feel like moving toward or away from that person, or you have a very important question to ask them.

You may also see, without that belief, how the turnaround is as true or truer….“I should speak!”

Oh maaaannnn.

I love looking at why I didn’t speak, when I had something to say, in my life.

I was afraid I would be rejected, afraid of being alone, afraid of admitting this wasn’t for me and I needed something different, afraid of leaving the situation, afraid of hurting someone, afraid of losing the feeling of thrill, curiosity, mystery, illusion.

It’s like I was always trying to prevent a future from happening that was unbearable. Being trapped, being rejected, feeling pain.

But who would you be without THAT thought….that whatever happens next could be threatening?

Without the belief that speaking, asking, saying what you need to say will result in something terrible?

You’d take a deep breath, and speak what is true for you, without attack or complaining or resignation or bitterness.

“To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Do you have anything to speak out about today, that you may have been keeping pushed inside for fear of the outcome?

Maybe it’s the day to say it. Only you really know.

“Spare yourself from seeking love, approval or appreciation–from anyone. And watch what happens in reality, for fun.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

Posted on

Do You Think Someone Should Speak Up?

Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.

The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.

I could relate immediately.

Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?

Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.

I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!

But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….

….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.

You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.

Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.

It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)

But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.

I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.

But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.

He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!

Is it true?

Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.

No, I guess it’s not true.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.

Kind of intense!

But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?

A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.

I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.

I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.

I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.

What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.

Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.

Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.

Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?

Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.

I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81

Much love, Grace