I love what I’ve learned from Byron Katie about criticism.
I thought about it today when the Year of Inquiry group took a deep dive into investigating the belief “my dad shouldn’t have been so critical.”
Dang.
This thought has been one I’ve thought MANY times about people.
That rude, mean woman…she is so judgmental! That snobbish guy, he is so critical! My grandpa…he was so controlling! That boyfriend was so demanding, so condemning! That teacher was so belittling!
I love doing this exercise: write down the words that critical person said, or implied, and see what is so difficult about them.
For example.
There was a woman I worked on a project with quite some time ago. We were on a board together. She apparently had been talking about my behavior to another leader, without my knowing about it.
I had the thought she was super hyper critical and it wasn’t fair.
Years later, doing this exercise, I wrote down what I could remember her actually saying, and how her face looked, that frightened and angered me.
Here was the list: Grace makes mistakes, she’s not paying close attention, she’s not being a team player, she doesn’t volunteer for parts of the work we need to get done, she never copies me on emails, it doesn’t seem like she cares.
This person talked to me a whole lot. I would think to myself “I wish she’d stop talking” but I never said anything. It felt like she chattered away without taking a breath.
And then on top of all that running off of her mouth, she was criticizing me behind my back.
But I did this exercise, after questioning my thoughts about her being so critical. Why did I think of these things as critical? Why did her saying these things to me creating a feeling of defense or justification inside me?
Could these things be true?
Did I make mistakes? Yes. I flubbed up months and days and put in the wrong time on reports. I accidentally made computer data entry errors. I wasn’t paying close attention.
I also wasn’t a team player. I was sitting there thinking she was blabbing on all the time and never stepped in and tried to connect with her, I just wrote her off. I decided I didn’t like her. Not very teamish.
It was absolutely true that I didn’t volunteer for parts of the project that had to get done. I’d think when we went over the to-do list “ew, I’m not doing that drudgery thing, I want the good jobs”.
I was afraid I couldn’t even do some of the jobs, and never even asked for help. I felt intimidated.
And it was also totally true that I didn’t copy this woman on emails that she might have found interesting. I was fearful of her criticism, so I avoided letting her know what was going on.
I didn’t care enough to speak up, tell the truth, bare my soul, say how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in my relationship to her.
She was right.
Here’s the interesting thing that happened….
I did this work internally. I had very little contact with that person anymore, so it was all something I was doing at a quiet internal level, on my own.
I began to see benefits for her behavior. I saw how she was brave to speak up about me, even if it wasn’t to my face. I never spoke up to her face either, so she was one step more brave than me who kept it all inside. I saw how she was willing to tell her truth. I saw how much she valued connection and honesty.
Plus, after it all came out, and I learned she was talking about me and criticizing me, I snapped out of my passive insecure never-speaking-up behavior.
I pulled it together and started doing a really excellent job. I checked my work so I didn’t make stupid clerical mistakes that would mess people up later. I took more ownership. I connected. I got more honest.
I was still fuming half the time, but I also did The Work constantly, regularly, on this person….and I still did The Work later on this person when I didn’t see her anymore.
And one day, I ran into her and another person who had also worked on the same project.
This mean, critical, bitchy woman turned to the other person who had been connected to our project and said “Grace really did great things back then, she made fabulous contributions, she became really accomplished and made a big difference.”
I walked away thinking….
….wow.
Because I knew what she said, she meant.
She doesn’t make up fake nice stuff.
And I had to see the turnaround was more true. She wasn’t critical, she was appreciative, generous with her honesty.
She called me out to be bigger than I was being. She called me into being greater than I thought I could be.
Come to think of it, every single person who has ever criticized me has done that.
EVERY ONE.
“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you. You are your only way to stand with a friend as a friend, even when she perceives you as an enemy. And until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, your Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie
Much Love, Grace