Thank You, Critical People

I love what I’ve learned from Byron Katie about criticism.

I thought about it today when the Year of Inquiry group took a deep dive into investigating the belief “my dad shouldn’t have been so critical.”

Dang.

This thought has been one I’ve thought MANY times about people.

That rude, mean woman…she is so judgmental! That snobbish guy, he is so critical! My grandpa…he was so controlling! That boyfriend was so demanding, so condemning! That teacher was so belittling!

I love doing this exercise: write down the words that critical person said, or implied, and see what is so difficult about them.

For example.

There was a woman I worked on a project with quite some time ago. We were on a board together. She apparently had been talking about my behavior to another leader, without my knowing about it.

I had the thought she was super hyper critical and it wasn’t fair.

Years later, doing this exercise, I wrote down what I could remember her actually saying, and how her face looked, that frightened and angered me.

Here was the list: Grace makes mistakes, she’s not paying close attention, she’s not being a team player, she doesn’t volunteer for parts of the work we need to get done, she never copies me on emails, it doesn’t seem like she cares.

This person talked to me a whole lot. I would think to myself “I wish she’d stop talking” but I never said anything. It felt like she chattered away without taking a breath.

And then on top of all that running off of her mouth, she was criticizing me behind my back.

But I did this exercise, after questioning my thoughts about her being so critical. Why did I think of these things as critical? Why did her saying these things to me creating a feeling of defense or justification inside me?

Could these things be true?

Did I make mistakes? Yes. I flubbed up months and days and put in the wrong time on reports. I accidentally made computer data entry errors. I wasn’t paying close attention.

I also wasn’t a team player. I was sitting there thinking she was blabbing on all the time and never stepped in and tried to connect with her, I just wrote her off. I decided I didn’t like her. Not very teamish.

It was absolutely true that I didn’t volunteer for parts of the project that had to get done. I’d think when we went over the to-do list “ew, I’m not doing that drudgery thing, I want the good jobs”.

I was afraid I couldn’t even do some of the jobs, and never even asked for help. I felt intimidated.

And it was also totally true that I didn’t copy this woman on emails that she might have found interesting. I was fearful of her criticism, so I avoided letting her know what was going on.

I didn’t care enough to speak up, tell the truth, bare my soul, say how uncomfortable and unhappy I was in my relationship to her.

She was right.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened….

I did this work internally. I had very little contact with that person anymore, so it was all something I was doing at a quiet internal level, on my own.

I began to see benefits for her behavior. I saw how she was brave to speak up about me, even if it wasn’t to my face. I never spoke up to her face either, so she was one step more brave than me who kept it all inside. I saw how she was willing to tell her truth. I saw how much she valued connection and honesty.

Plus, after it all came out, and I learned she was talking about me and criticizing me, I snapped out of my passive insecure never-speaking-up behavior.

I pulled it together and started doing a really excellent job. I checked my work so I didn’t make stupid clerical mistakes that would mess people up later. I took more ownership. I connected. I got more honest.

I was still fuming half the time, but I also did The Work constantly, regularly, on this person….and I still did The Work later on this person when I didn’t see her anymore.

And one day, I ran into her and another person who had also worked on the same project.

This mean, critical, bitchy woman turned to the other person who had been connected to our project and said “Grace really did great things back then, she made fabulous contributions, she became really accomplished and made a big difference.”

I walked away thinking….

….wow.

Because I knew what she said, she meant.

She doesn’t make up fake nice stuff.

And I had to see the turnaround was more true. She wasn’t critical, she was appreciative, generous with her honesty.

She called me out to be bigger than I was being. She called me into being greater than I thought I could be.

Come to think of it, every single person who has ever criticized me has done that.

EVERY ONE.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you. You are your only way to stand with a friend as a friend, even when she perceives you as an enemy. And until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, your Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie

 

Much Love,  Grace

Feedback Anxiety Days

I have an exciting new project starting in the near future…a Podcast!

I hope it’ll be super helpful for continuing to offer you (and me) inspiration in questioning your troubled thinking and seeing what unexpected fun, relief, and freedom can appear in your life.

Click Here to answer two brief questions about it…the first one being: what should the title of the podcast be? You get to choose between two, or offer me a suggestion. It’ll only take two seconds, so click here to give me your feedback. It will really help me out.

Speaking of feedback…what an interesting area of investigation for our relationships with others.

Someone gives us feedback, we like it or we don’t like it. We give someone feedback, they like it, or not so much.

And then…we might have a few thoughts about those people who either gave us feedback or who we gave feedback to, and what it means.

That rotten jerk, how dare he say such a thing to me, I will never talk to him again! That beeoch, she’s so defensive, I was just trying to tell her to chill out! Those dorks, they don’t know what they’re talking about when they say I screwed up! These ding bats, they never change, even when I give them good suggestions!

This week in the Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass, a fabulous inquirer had this thought to bring to questioning: “I want my partner to prioritize my feedback!”

Yeah! You got that right!

People should listen to what I want, hear what I’m suggesting, understand my ideas, take my comments into consideration!

Or what about if you’re on the reverse side of the feedback, where you’re the receiver?

People should stop being so picky, stop trying to control the situation, be more flexible, not have so many opinions, quit competing with me!

The stress appears all in that moment, so speedy it’s faster than greased lightening. FEAR!

Whether you’ve given feedback that appears to be ignored or criticized, or received feedback you don’t like….some of the same core beliefs come alive.

And they can cause a lot of pain on the inside.

I’m kicked out. They don’t like me. I’m not important. I did it wrong. No one cares about me.

Let’s take a look.

Hold that situation in your mind, where feedback went BAD.

Either you gave it or received it, and it hurt.

In that situation, is it true that you did something wrong, you’re out, you’re not likable or important, or that those people don’t care about you?

Yes. They said mean things. They withdrew. I feel guilty. I should have never….they should never….

Are you positively sure these things are true, that the way the feedback was given or received was overall BAD BAD?

No.

I don’t know everything going on in that other person’s mind. They are allowed their own opinion. They have it anyway, I notice.

How do you react when you believe this feedback exchange means YOU are outta line, you messed up?

Oh man.

Sick to my stomach, enraged, ready to go on a rant, or hit something! Ready to QUIT!

Fine! If that’s the way you react to me speaking up then good riddance! If that’s what you think of me, then good riddance!

(March off, slam door. Write email, hit send).

So who would you be without the belief that this news, this feedback, means you are unlovable, wrong, or uncared for, stupid, or unimportant?

“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense and justification. It’s not right or wrong, it just isn’t intelligent. War isn’t intelligent……After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t ever be controlled: other people’s perception.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that I am hurt in this feedback thing that’s happened….WOW.

I actually want to know more.

If they don’t like my feedback, I want to hear more about their thoughts, their feelings, what’s going on inside.

If I’ve gotten their feedback, I hear it and nod and allow it to enter me, instead of pushing it away.

And a most remarkable thing happens.

Closeness. Intimacy. Maybe tears, questions asked, concerns spoken out loud. Contact.

I turn the thoughts around:

I’m invited in. They like me. I’m important. I did it right. Everyone cares about me. 

I notice now that the people I’ve had greatest conflict with, what we’d call (to put it mildly) negative feedback…have been the most important, dynamic, powerful teachers in my life.

“Every time you find yourself irritated or angry with someone, the one to look at is not that person but yourself….Search for this person’s defects in your own heart and in your unconscious mind, and your annoyance will turn to gratitude that his or her behavior has led you to self-discovery.” ~ Anthony De Mello

OK, so when I’m afraid I’m not loved and given uncomfortable feedback, or they ignore or react to mine….I can look inside myself.

Oh. It’s pretty vast in here. Right?

It’s expansive, open, patient, unattached, spacious, gracious, full of humor.

I thought it was them….then I thought it was me….but then I realized it’s no one.

Ha ha!

Bring on the feedback!

Much Love,  Grace

The Incredible Gift of Criticism

A woman came to see me to work for awhile on her relationship with her husband.

They had been married for over twenty years.

She had thoughts like this….you may be able to relate:

  • he is completely self-absorbed
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he was mean, rude, harsh
  • he shouldn’t have acted like that
  • he is soooooo judgmental
Yesterday the Friday YOI (Year of Inquiry) questioned this exact same last thought.

That person is so judgmental. They shouldn’t be! Especially about ME for crying out loud! But even about other people….so critical!

Well. Slowing down. Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that the person in question is judgey? Is it true he is hyper-critical? Are you positive they don’t try to understand your point of view?

YES.

I remember a friend of mine from many, many years ago. Red hair. I considered her intense, powerful, funny and a genuinely good person. But certainly opinionated. Not afraid to say it.

One day….she started talking about her boyfriend. AGAIN.

He’s passive, low sex drive, boring and not romantic enough, selfish and unambitious.

(Can’t she give it a rest?)

I’ve told her before that she might stand in his shoes a little, maybe relax about all her expectations….he seems like a pretty good man. I told her about the Four Agreements…..like for example Be Impeccable With Your Word.

She didn’t get the hint.

Is it true that she is hyper-critical, judgmental and controlling when it comes to her boyfriend?

Yes, she never stops criticizing, in this situation!!

How do I react when I think its true, when I believe she’s a little scary, a little too bossy, too critical, ripping her own partner to shreds?

I retreat. I act really nice. I am easy-going, supportive, a good friend. I try to “help”. Disappointed that whatever I say is not really heard.

Who would I be without that thought, though?

Immediately, I see someone who is nervous, has a lot of energy, wants something, thinks she doesn’t have it. I see someone furious, stressed, frightened.

Someone believing her thoughts about partners, boyfriends and herself.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you…..After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t be controlled: other peoples’ perception.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW.

Not only have I had trouble listening to criticism of me without defense, or fear, or justification…heh heh….but I’ve even not listened to my good friend criticizing her boyfriend, without judging HER.

I turn the thoughts around: she is judgmental and she should be.

I mean, so far in this entire story, every single person has been judgmental. It appears that’s the way of it.

That’s how we enter The Work.

Thank you judgments, thank you criticism, thank you vicious words, thank you meanness, thank you harshness, thank you everyone, thank you everyone.

Much love, Grace