A woman came to see me to work for awhile on her relationship with her husband.
They had been married for over twenty years.
She had thoughts like this….you may be able to relate:
- he is completely self-absorbed
- he doesn’t care about me
- he was mean, rude, harsh
- he shouldn’t have acted like that
- he is soooooo judgmental
That person is so judgmental. They shouldn’t be! Especially about ME for crying out loud! But even about other people….so critical!
Well. Slowing down. Let’s do The Work.
Is it true that the person in question is judgey? Is it true he is hyper-critical? Are you positive they don’t try to understand your point of view?
YES.
I remember a friend of mine from many, many years ago. Red hair. I considered her intense, powerful, funny and a genuinely good person. But certainly opinionated. Not afraid to say it.
One day….she started talking about her boyfriend. AGAIN.
He’s passive, low sex drive, boring and not romantic enough, selfish and unambitious.
(Can’t she give it a rest?)
I’ve told her before that she might stand in his shoes a little, maybe relax about all her expectations….he seems like a pretty good man. I told her about the Four Agreements…..like for example Be Impeccable With Your Word.
She didn’t get the hint.
Is it true that she is hyper-critical, judgmental and controlling when it comes to her boyfriend?
Yes, she never stops criticizing, in this situation!!
How do I react when I think its true, when I believe she’s a little scary, a little too bossy, too critical, ripping her own partner to shreds?
I retreat. I act really nice. I am easy-going, supportive, a good friend. I try to “help”. Disappointed that whatever I say is not really heard.
Who would I be without that thought, though?
Immediately, I see someone who is nervous, has a lot of energy, wants something, thinks she doesn’t have it. I see someone furious, stressed, frightened.
Someone believing her thoughts about partners, boyfriends and herself.
“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you…..After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t be controlled: other peoples’ perception.” ~ Byron Katie
WOW.
Not only have I had trouble listening to criticism of me without defense, or fear, or justification…heh heh….but I’ve even not listened to my good friend criticizing her boyfriend, without judging HER.
I turn the thoughts around: she is judgmental and she should be.
I mean, so far in this entire story, every single person has been judgmental. It appears that’s the way of it.
That’s how we enter The Work.
Thank you judgments, thank you criticism, thank you vicious words, thank you meanness, thank you harshness, thank you everyone, thank you everyone.
Much love, Grace