When I was in my late teens, I discovered that people wrote books about recovering from suffering, finding peace, faith, understanding why we’re here, the meaning of life.
Before that, I thought all books were stories!
(Ha ha, you could say they all ARE stories, no matter what they’re about!)
One of the first authors who came across my world when I discovered people sharing their knowledge about life was M. Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled in 1978. I came across it when everyone was talking about it, maybe two years later.
Perfect timing for me….I just dropped out of college because of having a huge existential crisis about why I was there, what college was for, where I was going, and how to get rid of my horrible anxiety about it all.
And Mt. St. Helens had just blown up in my home state, too.
My way of handling all the stress was to think and plan and panic, kind of like somebody flailing about as they fall through open sky off a cliff.
The way I would relieve myself was to eat, eat, eat excess amounts of food. Then I’d relieve that activity by running and biking for miles and miles, or throwing up. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by sleeping and feeling depressed. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by thinking, analyzing and feeling anxious about something. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by eating….
….go back to jail, do not collect $200 (like the game of monopoly, without winning).
It got bad enough that I couldn’t concentrate on my classes anymore, or the text books we were reading. I didn’t like being graded, either. Too skittish about other peoples’ opinions, including my professors.
Oh, to have had more clear self-inquiry back then….
….but I also see it went the way it needed to go, in just the right order and timing.
“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck
Who would you be without the belief that the time you remember in the past that was horrible and rotten, unfair and difficult…was all for nothing?
When Scott Peck spoke at the University of Colorado at Boulder when I lived near there, I immediately signed up to see him.
He may have been one of the first speakers I ever saw who was not playing music or acting on stage. He was just sharing his wisdom, over years of having conversations with people about their deepest woes.
I remember sitting in the audience and thinking “Wait. He’s a regular person! He has cigarettes in his front shirt pocket! What’s that all about!?”
Right then, I discovered that I had no idea what wisdom looked like. I had no idea what freedom really meant. I didn’t know what was really good or bad, right or wrong…all of it was all mixed up together and my thinking couldn’t sort it all out with firm answers.
I knew that Scott Peck was very imperfect, but he was a brilliant author and he helped many people, including me.
Who would you be without the belief that you have to have it all together, do it “right”, be good, even eat a certain way in order to be acceptable and worthy, in order to feel peace?
Whew.
I notice that what happened for me is…I stopped smoking cigarettes in my twenties because they made me feel like crap and being dominated by something like tobacco pissed me off (my own mind was bad enough, and I had a rebellious streak).
I stopped binge-eating because it slowly fell away as I studied my own anxiety and became as honest as possible about who I really was in any given moment, with or without food.
Slowly but surely, it seems my thoughts are less and less important because when I look at them directly, it’s hard to believe they are true.
But even when I believe them….and even if you believe yours….
….there is something OK, unknown, mysterious and beyond-you about it.
Keep going.
You don’t have to be perfect to be wise.
Neither do the people around you.
“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in.”
~ Leonard Cohen
If you’re interested in the upcoming Eat In Peace program, a 12 week journey of understanding our relationship to eating, food and our bodies….click HERE to get on the early-bird list for more information which is coming very soon.
Much love, Grace