When You Start At The Beginning, Where Should You Be?

When you're at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.
When you’re at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.

Oh boy.

Yesterday I took my first shot at recording a podcast (remember I mentioned my new Peace Talk Podcast many weeks ago)?

The project: create a five minute presentation about inquiry, peace work, peaceful thinking…and make it fun to listen to, for anyone interested in inner change.

I mean, awesome topic, right?

First, it took me awhile to figure out how you start a recording. I see where to plug in the microphone to the computer, but then, how do I use it?

Google. Youtube. Watch training. Look over notes.

Finally. OK.

Then…turn the thing on and start talking.

However, rambling away is not exactly interesting to other people, including me.

This is for inspiration and community!

This is to be of service, and have fun while doing it!

I listened, and said “that is DEFINITELY terrible” then pushed delete, then pushed re-record, then listened, then delete, then re-record again, then delete again, then re-record again…

…until…

“Who would I be without the thought that this five minute podcast needs to be fabulous, creative, hilarious, fun, enlightening, inspiring and moving?”

How the heck would I know, at this point, at the very beginning?

Without the thought….I notice I don’t delete the last take. I leave it. I stop that episode and consider what another different episode might look like.

I noticed I was taking it very seriously. Like listening to my own voice with such high expectations, nearly impossible to achieve.

Without the thought…I’m back to mediocre.

Which is what the underlying theme of the podcast is about in the first place.

Enlightenment, self-inquiry, awareness for the ordinary mediocre person.

Like me.

Suddenly I feel thrilled, excited. Life is bringing along yet another adventure in creativity.

Nothing special required, nothing extraordinary or beyond-human needed.

Only me and a greater community of people connecting.

I turn the beliefs around about what I’m imagining should happen, and instead imagine the opposite….hilarious!

I should sound like a dolt if I do, I don’t need to be like some brilliant luminary, I look forward to being boring, rambling or uninspiring. This may go nowhere, it may go somewhere, I’m only along for the ride. I have no idea how this exactly even came about as an option or an experiment, it just unfolded and here I am, recording something called a podcast on planet earth in the year 2014.

I’m at the BEGINNING.

“Only in this moment are we in reality. You and everyone can learn to live in the moment, as the moment, to love whatever is in front of you, to love it as you….The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment.” ~ Byron Katie

The uninterpreted moment of woman sitting on couch with new orange microphone, talking out loud about inquiry, speaking honestly, hearing the voice that comes out like a melody, enjoying this fun story at the very first chapter perhaps, without a future.

No idea what will happen next. No need to know.

I’m where I should be, now.

Much love, Grace

The Crack Is Where The Light Gets In

eruption_mount_st_helens_05-18-80When I was in my late teens, I discovered that people wrote books about recovering from suffering, finding peace, faith, understanding why we’re here, the meaning of life.

Before that, I thought all books were stories!

(Ha ha, you could say they all ARE stories, no matter what they’re about!)

One of the first authors who came across my world when I discovered people sharing their knowledge about life was M. Scott Peck who wrote The Road Less Traveled in 1978. I came across it when everyone was talking about it, maybe two years later.

Perfect timing for me….I just dropped out of college because of having a huge existential crisis about why I was there, what college was for, where I was going, and how to get rid of my horrible anxiety about it all.

And Mt. St. Helens had just blown up in my home state, too.

My way of handling all the stress was to think and plan and panic, kind of like somebody flailing about as they fall through open sky off a cliff.

The way I would relieve myself was to eat, eat, eat excess amounts of food. Then I’d relieve that activity by running and biking for miles and miles, or throwing up. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by sleeping and feeling depressed. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by thinking, analyzing and feeling anxious about something. And then I’d relieve THAT activity by eating….

….go back to jail, do not collect $200 (like the game of monopoly, without winning).

It got bad enough that I couldn’t concentrate on my classes anymore, or the text books we were reading. I didn’t like being graded, either. Too skittish about other peoples’ opinions, including my professors.

Oh, to have had more clear self-inquiry back then….

….but I also see it went the way it needed to go, in just the right order and timing.

“The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.” ~ M. Scott Peck

Who would you be without the belief that the time you remember in the past that was horrible and rotten, unfair and difficult…was all for nothing?

When Scott Peck spoke at the University of Colorado at Boulder when I lived near there, I immediately signed up to see him.

He may have been one of the first speakers I ever saw who was not playing music or acting on stage. He was just sharing his wisdom, over years of having conversations with people about their deepest woes.

I remember sitting in the audience and thinking “Wait. He’s a regular person! He has cigarettes in his front shirt pocket! What’s that all about!?”

Right then, I discovered that I had no idea what wisdom looked like. I had no idea what freedom really meant. I didn’t know what was really good or bad, right or wrong…all of it was all mixed up together and my thinking couldn’t sort it all out with firm answers.

I knew that Scott Peck was very imperfect, but he was a brilliant author and he helped many people, including me.

Who would you be without the belief that you have to have it all together, do it “right”, be good, even eat a certain way in order to be acceptable and worthy, in order to feel peace?

Whew.

I notice that what happened for me is…I stopped smoking cigarettes in my twenties because they made me feel like crap and being dominated by something like tobacco pissed me off (my own mind was bad enough, and I had a rebellious streak).

I stopped binge-eating because it slowly fell away as I studied my own anxiety and became as honest as possible about who I really was in any given moment, with or without food.

Slowly but surely, it seems my thoughts are less and less important because when I look at them directly, it’s hard to believe they are true.

But even when I believe them….and even if you believe yours….

….there is something OK, unknown, mysterious and beyond-you about it.

Keep going.

You don’t have to be perfect to be wise.

Neither do the people around you.

“Ring the bells that still can ring 
Forget your perfect offering 
There is a crack in everything 
That’s how the light gets in.” 

~ Leonard Cohen

If you’re interested in the upcoming Eat In Peace program, a 12 week journey of understanding our relationship to eating, food and our bodies….click HERE to get on the early-bird list for more information which is coming very soon.

Much love, Grace