People write to me sometimes to ask if I’ll write on a specific topic: parenting, love, jealousy, divorce, sibling rivalry.
Just yesterday an inquirer wrote asking me to write about other people who go on and on telling sad, difficult or terrible stories.
What to do?
I loved the image that came to my mind that she described of her having to listen to a woman in her classroom, while kids were on a PE break, telling “her whole life story of difficulty.”
We’ve all had that kind of moment.
There you are, listening to someone speak. They are telling you how awful it’s been for them, how unfortunate, how they were hurt and never could recover, how hard their lives.
I hear many people speak of difficulties, and it’s actually easy and touching for me. But what’s the difference when you get that sensation of never-ending darkness, difficulty, victimhood and your ears and eyes start to glaze over.
I suddenly remembered a co-worker from many, many years ago.
Here she would come, around the corner holding her coffee mug. At first, it had been fun to connect and talk about what seemed to be deep issues, important ideas, personal topics, difficult or sticky encounters at home, with neighbors, in childhood.
But now, inside….I wasn’t feeling so compassionate, connected and interested.
Oh no. Here she comes. Here comes the sob story.
If you’ve had this kind of encounter…..what are the thoughts really saying, what is your resistance saying, what are you trying to do when you have this urge to put up a shield and Not Hear One More Word?
Here’s what I found was under the surface when I wanted to push a button and have the Cone of Silence come down over my head when I saw that co-worker walking down the hall towards my cubicle:
- I wish she felt better, because then I would feel better
- I can’t be honest with her or I’ll make it worse and hurt her more
- I’m very sad she’s had such trouble, and it’s difficult to hear about because I don’t know how to help and I SHOULD know
- I’m terrified of victims, their story seems so hopeless
- When I hear this sad story, I feel sad because people should have happy lives
- The world is a cruel place
- Some people here on planet earth become weak, lost, tragic failures….and I’m afraid to be near them because it scares me
A professor said that depression, fear, rage and negativity are contagious….just like happiness, optimism, joy and love.
How do I know I’m supposed to be hearing the story I’m hearing?
Because I’m hearing it. That’s reality.
- I feel connected, whole, here, supported…even when someone else feels bad
- I can be honest with her and say “when I listen to you, part of me is scared or sad because I want everyone to overcome difficulties and I know it’s possible for anyone.”
- I don’t know how to help, but I can be honest and I can listen
- She is not a victim, she is hopeful
- I can feel love and peace, no matter what I hear
- The world is a wonderful place
- No one here on planet earth is a weak, lost, tragic failures….including me. It’s only a story we sometimes tell.
How is it a good thing, that this person crosses my path, who feels pain and has a troubling story?
Find out.
That’s the way to not feel like a victim….of those people who are being victims.
“I will always listen deeply to you, but I will never try to fix you, mend you, stop you feeling what you are feeling or give you second-hand, memorized answers. I will never pretend to be the one who knows, the enlightened one. I will not get into drama with you, I will not indulge and feed your stories and mental conclusions and fears, I will not mistake who you are for my story about you, my dream of who you are. But friend, I will meet you in the fires of hell, I will hold your hand there, I will walk with you as far as you need to walk, and not turn away, for you are myself, and in the deepest recesses of our experience we are intimately each other, and we cannot pretend otherwise.” ~ Jeff Foster
Much love, Grace