There’s nothing like truly connecting with others in an extremely honest way.
Telling the truth. Saying what’s in your heart out loud. Speaking the “worst” words you think, or the awkward ones, the ones you’re worried about hurting others, the ones you’re always trying to delete.
It’s quite radical.
An hour ago as I write this, everyone left my little cottage who was here spending time and moving through the experience of clearly identifying, questioning, and opening up to how we relate to “thought” in a new way.
We become interested in this through noticing (OK, being tortured by) stressful thoughts.
What an amazing thing to even consider there’s another way. An alternative to believing frightening things, uncomfortable things, dreadful things.
One of the most profound places of suffering (hint: it happens almost every time you hate, criticize or judge someone else) is noticing how when you feel anxious and threatened, even from an old memory, it often goes a bit sideways with three options, and that’s it.
Here’s what I’ve experienced:
You see that person doing that thing, saying those words. It’s scary.
You’re threatened.
You decide you need to escape, fight or freeze in the presence of the threatening thing or person.
Just get back to homeostasis, says the whole organism. Get away from the scary thing!
And then the pain enters as the mind chatters with how upset it is you had to go through that terrifying situation, and you never want it to happen again, you never want to think about it, you’ve got to get away, or destroy it, and you have to feel better ASAP.
Then, here’s where it starts getting more difficult, I notice.
You start in on threatening yourself.
How you could have avoided it, like retroactively making it so it didn’t happen.
You should have done it differently. You dunce! What’s wrong with you? Just give up. Run away. What a coward. How embarrassing. You’ll never learn!
It really hurts, this vicious, violent self-talk.
But who would you be without your story that you’re doing it wrong?
Who would you be without your perception of the world as a threat (in the form of that mean person)?
Who or what would you be if you remembered, and felt the impact, and the heart-break, and you didn’t run, freeze or implode or attack yourself, or anyone or anything else?
Not denying it didn’t happen.
Not pretending it’s different than it is, not faking you feel happy when you don’t.
Not believing it all, as Truth.
Not making it MORE than it is, LESS than it is. Not formatting into something to make it easier to digest or impossible to digest.
Just not thinking it with such passion and voracity and intensity.
Without thinking YOU made a mistake or did it wrong or it needs to be changed….
….what would this be like?
I notice whenever I have a thought about me doing it wrong, I’m scared of someone else also, that THEY think I did it wrong. Maybe the person who thought I did it wrong came from the distant past, or the more recent past, but these thoughts about me and how I wasn’t enough or did it poorly only appear when I think someone else thought it first, or might.
Who would I be without the belief I wasn’t enough, or wrong?
Free.
Free to cry, sob, ask for help, say I’m sorry, hug, love, move, live, show up, go on, be a regular human, with all kinds of human emotions.
I might even, without being stuck in thoughts against myself or others, begin to live another kinder way (most likely).
I turn the thoughts around: I did the best I could. So did they. There is nothing threatening me….now. I do NOT have only three choices: freeze, run away, or go to war. I have an unknown, unseen movement of life bursting up through me, expressing as this person, and it’s all temporary, and I’m here. Ready. Alive.
I have other options, like standing in the middle of a cacophony of sounds, thoughts, words, calls for help….
….and opening my arms to this next moment, and the next, with integrity, with action, with joy, with gratitude, with tears.
What an amazing question, to wonder who we would be without our stories of self-hatred or no-way-out.
Here’s my friend Jeff Foster (I don’t know him personally, but I love calling him my friend because it feels like he is). He’s a great example of a living turnaround of what it’s like without believing your thoughts, about yourself, others, life, death, the past, the future. Plus he’s hilarious.
The ultimate preparation for story weather….four questions known as The Work
As September 1st rolls into clear view this week I’m immersed in preparing an Orientation for all the new Year of Inquiry participants.
September always feels like the start of something new. End of summer, beginning of more indoor time.
I grew up going to school every single September of my whole childhood, and young adulthood.
It gets in your bones. A conditioned feeling of preparing. Movement into growing darkness. Movement into the internal life. More quiet, scholarly work. Get the harvest in, hibernation is coming.
Winter on the distant horizon.
Batten down the hatches!
People in my family said “batten down the hatches” like so many historical shipping phrases, even though no one worked at sea or was a part of sea life for generations.
The hatches are the openings to the sky. The crew covered them tightly with wooden “battens” and canvas when a storm was coming. Preparing for rough seas ahead.
Which is a bit dramatic, perhaps, about the movement into autumn, here in the northern hemisphere where I live.
And yet, I used to truly feel this way internally about silence, darkness, quiet, emptiness, space.
Going within meant remembering. It meant Alone. Lonely. Sad. Despairing. Lost. Afraid. Untethered.
I almost wasn’t aware I had this dread, either.
Until I sat down to meditate, or had too open a schedule without a to-do list.
Then, when I was alone and silent, instead of “peace and quiet” it felt like the volume went UP on anxiety, sadness, grief.
I’d want to see a movie, read a good book or “accomplish” something….or in the past: eat, drink, smoke, physically move (exercise), listen to self-improvement audios.
So yesterday, I guess it was no surprise really at the end of summer on an overcast day with tiny raindrops….
….Gosh. It seems like a really good day to start cleaning out the shed, organizing things to take to the dump, make a stack of For Sale items and Giveaways. Put on gloves and haul, stack, throw away, go through 15 year old files. Watch videos briefly on how to move the shed once it’s emptied.
Get ready.
I was alone and doing this almost all day. Phone in the house, computer lying idle. Physical movement, thoughts dancing through.
It does feel good to “do” a job. It still often feels initially better than sitting in silence and stillness.
At least, according to my mind, which comes up with all kinds of reasons why moving slower and sitting quietly is bad.
In quiet sitting, I might feel worried, troubled, afraid, or bored.
Which is probably why I love The Work so very much.
There’s something to “do” with all those thoughts, with that thinking energy. With the feelings of wanting to “batten down the hatches.”
The Work asks, like a little innocent kid…..
….Hey you! Over there! Yes, you! The one running so fast and so busy and working so hard and “doing” lots of stuff!? YOU!
What are you doing over there, preparing for a big storm? What storm do you think is coming? Why do you think so? Where did you ever get that idea? What are you so worried about?
I love that The Work invites you to actually look at the storm, rather than simply assume it’s coming.
The Work asks “is it true?”
You get to sit in meditation and wonder about your answer, and maybe not answer quite so fast.
And instead of being aware of a huge storm, you can look at one rain squall at a time, and look with a clear pair of safety glasses at that one situation only. That one conversation, that one upset, that one argument, that one moment with that person who scared you, tormented you, disappointed you.
Last night, after my satisfying day of doing (especially according to the one who likes to see accomplishments)….
…..I sat quietly and pondered the Year of Inquiry group, everyone about to start inquiring together on our journeys within.
One person had withdrawn during the day via email, and another one joined.
I updated my list.
I then closed my eyes and held still, feeling the deep appreciation for this moment exactly as it is, without a single need to improve, or take away, or fix, or add, or change anything.
Feeling so grateful for all those preparing to join me, with a joy that inquiry will be in our pockets as a special tool for the entire fall, winter, spring, and then in Summer Camp for The Mind (always included for Year of Inquiry friends).
I love that if I feel upset, whether a drop or a huge brewing storm or a downpour of upset….
….I have four questions, and finding turnarounds.
And I have people to do it with once, twice or three times a week….
….for all the months ahead, through holidays and travels and cold weather and political change and relationship worries and the movement of life.
Even if you’re not doing something as big of a commitment as Year of Inquiry, there are ways to “do” The Work and get it done, as Byron Katie says.
Call the Helpline, get a fabulous partner to connect with regularly. Set time aside to sit and write out your work, if you’re able and willing.
If you’re thinking of joining Year of Inquiry, I’m creating an Orientation presentation that’s brand new (first time I’ve done it).
This Orientation will help people know exactly how to dial in no matter where they live, access the recordings of our calls, prepare for partnering (which is optional), share on our private forum, and enter their own inner world with the best “batten” I could ever imagine having….
….The Work.
The Work is a ‘batten’ to “batten down the hatches” of overwhelming, wild, freaked out, grief-riddled storms.
The Work addresses all the storms experienced in the PAST, the ones I already lived through that made such lasting impressions on me.
And low and behold, when these become less frightening, less dark, light spring rains, or even the sunniest weather I could ever have imagined with crystal clear blue skies….
….then there’s no fear of the future, or winter, anymore.
“The Work is merely four questions; it’s not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It’s nothing without your answers. These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have–they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is.
If you’re ready for companionship and joining fellow inquirers to help you stay in The Work and “get it done” then come join us in a Year of Inquiry. Three time zones allow you to connect at least once a week, for 3 weeks every month. You’ll then choose if you’d like to be paired with someone in the group (highly recommended) for a month at a time, getting the support of others and sharing in such a deep way, people make life-long friends.
When I left the School for The Work in 2005, I noticed I just did not do The Work that often.
It didn’t fit into the category of “doing”. It was more like sitting still in silence, meditating. Good for me like eating raw broccoli perhaps, but I couldn’t see the immediate results, and it was a little nerve-wracking and awkward all by myself, and felt “hard”.
I would have signed up for a Year of Inquiry in a heartbeat. It’s half the fee of the school itself, and offers structure to stay in The Work for an entire year.
And this year, we’ll be doing a monthly intro session to our topic to do Q & A, share best practices of The Work, hear quotes from Loving What Is, and the retreats (for those who choose to attend) are now 4 days long instead of 3.
Everyone in YOI has access to my phone to text, or my email to write, in case of “emergency” if you go into stormy weather. I am here for all members of YOI when you need it, along with the official solo session everyone gets during the year for some in-depth work (people doing the full YOI including retreats receive at least two solo sessions).
I consider everyone who joins YOI to be my personal teachers, those who are like my fellow students of life. You bring me inquiry in a way I would never do it if left to my own.
If left to my own devices, I’d be cleaning out sheds and battening down hatches with wood and canvas, not four questions.
If left to my own devices, the storms would always be on their way, looming in the distance because I never remembered to ask the question….
….is it true?
“Anger, fear, sadness, discomfort, pain–they should not be allowed in….I believe they are dangerous to my well-being. And so I spend my life running away from them….Much of our suffering comes from deeply unaccepted feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, weakness, insecurity, and uncertainty in the face of this moment.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Put down the hammer, nails, canvas, battens, and visions of dark clouds in the future (or past).
We’ve got some work to do. Called….answering four questions.
Last night for the fourth night in a row I walked under a black sky studded with sparkling stars. Walking very slowly in the crisp air with my huge puffy blue down coat zipped up tight, I turned off my flash light, head tipped back in wonder.
A new friend and fellow scholar of the Orphan Wisdom School I’m enrolled in said “there are so many stars, I can’t even tell which is the big dipper”.
We paused under the brightness, and soon found the big dipper, and little dipper. Others were also here with us, all making our way back across a huge expansive night field towards our cars parked in a long row on a dirt road near the place we’re meeting.
Everyone was looking up.
At the very same moment in my mind I was thinking about something posed in our group just before we broke for the night.
Retreats are not necessary, not required.
Because this life is not about being as careful as possible so you make no mistakes, or figuring out how to fix yourself, or resolving your inner world once and for all, or finding the answer to what makes you happy.
No.
Life will always be imperfect, we’ll make mistakes, we won’t feel quite resolved, things will be messy.
Happiness will most likely be found through a powerful acceptance of the nuttiness and surprise of life, not in getting it all figured out and managed.
I thought about this concept of not needing “retreat” because not only have I been on many, many retreats of all kinds, shapes and sizes….
….I’ve also been in the place where I could not afford either the time or the money to go on retreat, or leave my daily life behind and meditate for a week.
Which brings me to one of the things I love about The Work and doing it as an ongoing practice every day.
All it is….is four questions, and trying on the turnarounds.
And all you do is ask these questions when you notice you feel stress, suffering, anything that keeps you from actively engaging fully in your own daily life.
Your daily life is your personal school.
When I notice there’s something that would prevent me from movement, action, a sense of holiness about even the most mundane daily activities, or lack of imagination and respect, I can ask these questions.
Is what I think right now true?
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
What happens and how do I react when I believe what I think? How do I speak? What do I say? How do I treat others? What do I do?
Who would I be without this belief running in my head? What would this look like? What would I say? How would I be with others? How would I treat people, myself, my life? What else is possible instead of thinking the same way I’ve always thought, or everyone around me has always thought?
And after this deep exploration, we get to find the turnarounds.
What is the complete opposite, or what if I turned what I think upside down, or switched places with the person in question, or wondered if what’s happening is for some hidden benefit I don’t know of yet?
What if I wasn’t against what’s going on so completely, with a sense of war, defense or attack towards it?
It doesn’t mean I have to like it, or love it, or support what’s going on, or be thrilled with what I’ve encountered….
….not at all.
But the mind opening up into all possibilities, not trying to fix things or people or myself, not trying to stay in a game of good vs evil….
….wow. It is freedom. To “wonder” about life is freedom.
It will break your heart, too. But you won’t be numb anymore.
I love how The Work is a great investigation, and you don’t have to go anywhere to start. You can do it right now, with just one thing you’re suffering about.
Instead of giving up, growing passive, feeling hopeless….you can be yourself, in action, alive, being.
If you’re not sure how, or you want to practice with a group, you really CAN do The Work without leaving your own home. I’ll be offering an inquiry call Tuesday morning May 3rd from 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. You can drop in or drop off the call any time, so come to all or a part of it.
You’ll get the chance to identify your thoughts about a difficult or stressful situation, and do The Work on just one belief you have about it. You can share out loud, or just listen.
“Can we stop pretending to know, and rest in wonder and never-ending mystery?” ~ Jeff Foster
Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016
It’s time!
BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.
Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.
An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.
Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.
24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!
(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).
*************
What a victim.
Seriously.
Did you hear him say that?
I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.
This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.
All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.
He’s such a victim.
Yeah, I agree 100%.
Refer him to someone else.
No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!
My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1st avenue downtown….
….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!
Ew.
Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?
I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.
And how his former wife created real war against him.
Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.
That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.
But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.
And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.
No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.
Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).
This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.
It had the feel of….
.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”
I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.
Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.
So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.
Like a whisper.
Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?
What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?
Wow. Yikes.
Interesting.
It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.
“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.
“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”
He looked up, as if out of a trance.
“OK.”
He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.
Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.
Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.
“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”
Is it true?
Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.
Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?
Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?
Oh.
Wait.
You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?
I took a deep breath.
I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.
I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.
Was he?
Could I absolutely KNOW it?
Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……
No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.
How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?
Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.
Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.
I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.
So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?
Wow.
It feels a little detached. Is this OK?
It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.
Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).
I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.
Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.
Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.
What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?
He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.
Kinda funny, right?
Let’s look.
He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!
(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).
He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.
I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).
Why should he be as he is?
Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.
Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.
Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?
Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.
The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.
What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.
Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?
Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?
Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?
Ha ha. Yes!
“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.
As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.
Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?
Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.
Nice.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.
Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.
From time to time, I’ve noticed a similar repeat feeling of irritation with someone I consider a dear friend.
It finally happened often enough for me to pause and have a conversation with myself, and wonder what my orientation was that produced annoyance.
The best way to find out is to un-censor yourself on paper. No editing. Childish as can be. Embarrassing, silly, non-PC, ridiculous thoughts.
Write them anyway, blow it up bigger than it actually is, so you can see it like looking under a microscope or getting out the magnifying glass.
This is what it looked like:
he can’t just listen
he compulsively gives advice
he’s always trying to solve my problems
he either doesn’t take my comments seriously at all, or he takes them too seriously
he’s unable to sit in the Don’t Know mind when it comes to troubling feelings, or situations
And then there was a real unedited clincher: he acts like he’s a genius spiritual coach and some kind of enlightened person dishing out what he thinks of as brilliance.
NOT.
I love how immature it felt, like once I gave some wording to the energy, there was a “Don’t Tell Me What To Think or Feel You Pompous Holy Jerk!”
Yikes.
I was so sure he was an Advice Giver.
Until I did The Work.
Let’s look at the one thought that created the big surge of stressful energy, the one that’s coming out of the part of me who is about, oh I don’t know….twelve?
“He thinks he’s so enlightened, and he’s not. (Be Real! Get back on equal footing with me!)”
Kinda felt petty and babyish.
But I know this sinking into a childish feeling is a great cry for help, and this voice is the one I want to befriend most of all….the voice that yells and pisses and moans and feels……hurt for some reason.
So is it true, he shouldn’t think he’s so awakened he can give me advice?
Am I sure he actually believes he’s enlightened? Or above me?
No.
Wow. It was a clear, quick “no”.
I am assuming wildly that his advice-giving or advice-sounding words mean he thinks he’s better than me.
He’s on the problem-solving track.
How many times have I done this in my life? Like, thousands?
I see how I react when I believe he’s espousing his enlightenment, or telling me what I should do (and he’s even kind about it).
I have pictures zoom through my mind of his screwed up past, or the way he acted many years ago, even though he hasn’t acted like a volatile person in a super long time. I feel defensive. I don’t want to talk with him. I think he can’t hear my simple complaints without taking them seriously.
I feel separate from him, like he’s far away over there, and I’m over here. I miss the feeling of being connected. I feel tense and contracted, and like I want to hurt him, or fight him or something.
At war. And sad underneath the urge to fight.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
Without these impulses that feel just like the way my teenage daughter sometimes talks about the world, events, politics, with a very opinionated and passionate, intense, slightly angry or critical tone?
I often want to tell her “I’m listening, don’t worry, I’m right here with you. I don’t know if I agree with anything you’re saying, but I hear you’re upset about the way the government seems to work here. Don’t get mad at me! I don’t have any answers! Stop being so intense!”
Maybe he feels the same way about me.
Well….I have been very passionate, and intense, in my life. I’ve eaten myself into a frenzy long ago in my addictive years, I’ve obsessed about my life going wrong, I’ve felt despair, I’ve felt angry.
Suddenly I realize, when I speak like a victim, some people might automatically react by trying to rescue me. Offer advice. Help the poor little thing (me) out.
Who started it?
Who reached out with a story of sadness and disappointment and complaining?
Who am I actually telling a sad story to? Someone who can easily respond with clarity, or someone who doesn’t really like to talk about tough times and un-doing beliefs! Someone who has lost everything and almost died due to drug addiction several years ago.
It’s like asking a homeless person on the street (who may be brilliant, by the way) for mortgage and real estate advice.
Really?
Turning the thoughts all around…..
I can’t just listen
I compulsively give him advice
I’m always trying to solve his problems (and my own)
I either don’t take his comments seriously at all, or I take them too seriously
I’m unable to sit in the Don’t Know mind when it comes to troubling feelings, or situations…especially with him
And then what about that clincher: I act like I’m a genius spiritual coach and some kind of enlightened person dishing out what I think of as brilliance.
I’ve done this, to myself, a hundred times. Like when I’ve closed a book I read, and said “from now on, this is how I’ll do it!”
I’m also doing it to him, right in the moment I’m giving him advice to stop giving me advice.
It’s true, I don’t really listen to him (I dismiss him) and I think about how he could improve his life (in my head) and I feel kind of sad still about the years he was gone on drugs.
I’m still in the past, when he’s up to speed in the present, living a very happy life with almost no possessions and no urge to “succeed” the way I do.
“Stand naked in front of me now, without the protection of your favorite philosophy, without your dusty old books, without quoting what you have read or been told, without even the familiar thought ‘who meets who?’ or ‘it’s all just a story’ to comfort you or separate us. If you think you have found the answers, if you’re excited because you think you’ve ‘arrived’, even if you believe yourself to be ‘the enlightened one’, that’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we’ve all been through it. And if you think you haven’t found the answers yet, if you feel lost and lonely and far from home, that’s okay too. Just stay close….let us sit together awhile.” ~ Jeff Foster
What I really want, is to love and accept. Myself and the people I know and everyone else, too.
Running into someone who you used to know, who you used to have an entirely different relationship with, and now they’re right in front of you is sometimes……weird.
But let’s be honest.
It’s only weird if there’s unfinished, unresolved thoughts and feelings about this person.
It happened to me the other day.
On Facebook.
OK, OK, OK….I know that’s not actually running in to someone!
It can feel that way for a second, though.
And it results in the same response. Like….oh. Wow. There they are. One word or “like” or chat head away. Just a click of the button or the keyboard.
Except, suddenly you’re flooded with not having anything to say because there was SO MUCH to say before (that was never said) or there was an unresolved “sting” that hurt between you.
What I’ve found is…..if something like this pops in to my radar…..
…..time to go back in time and do, you guessed it, The Work!
So I went to a moment, a situation, with that person where I felt really surprised and criticized, and later, angry.
I could see it clearly.
(And a voice in my head also was chattering while seeing that situation from the past: “you’ve done The Work on this already, it won’t help, this is stupid, just forget about it, who cares, it’s just on facebook, etc.”)
Thanks for sharing, oh voice, and I think I’ll take a look.
“She criticized me.”
I can see her eyes, hear her voice. I almost can’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember she admitted at the time she was feeling critical of me.
I see a kitchen, and all the other people milling around, putting away food, or eating, or washing dishes, and talking and laughing.
And this stinging voice saying sort of fiercely, directly, without any humor whatsoever when I was lying down….”could you help clean up?”
I see another moment when she’s asking me if I can join the group a little more, I’ve been working on my computer too much. And another moment where she’s talking about other people we’re with and how annoyed she is with them and planning on asking them never to come back.
I remember the feelings, as these images zip through my mind.
Scared of her judgment. Scared of her sharp eye. Scared of the way she’s bossing people, or kicking people out, or even praising people for that matter. Evaluating everyone.
Help! Run away! That’s her, on facebook!!
So is it true, she criticized me….or criticized other people.
Both, she did both. She is a super critical person.
That’s the truth.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true she criticized YOU?
Can you absolutely know she criticized those other people and kicked them out?
In that situation…..the answer seems like “yes”. It feels true. It appears true.
I look up the word “critical” as I consider her words, her manner, the way she spoke of others. It says the word “critical” is defined as disapproving, fault-finding, judgmental, scathing, accusatory, negative.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Deep breath.
How do I react when I think this is true about her?
Both afraid, and also critical of her, for being critical. Oh Lordy.
I don’t want to see her, not even on facebook. I don’t want to connect, or talk with her. I avoid her. I think of her as mean, and dangerous, and unenlightened.
I feel like there’s someone out there who isn’t fun to be around, and this thing in the universe (this person) is a pocket of discomfort, bad news.
So who would I be without this belief that she criticized me or anyone else? Who would I be without the belief she’s dangerous, or a threat, or frightening for me?
At first, as I imagine being without the thought, I notice how skittish I am sometimes, with some people. It’s like, all they did was speak words, and I’m freaking out and yelling “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!”
There was no physical pain, there was no dramatic scene. There was no yelling, or loud noise.
Without my belief, I suddenly remember when I met her and how we talked for 4 hours straight into the night. And how much we have in common. Only days apart in age, and both the oldest of four, and both with fathers who died young.
Gosh.
I forgot about these things I love about her, until this experience of wondering who I’d be without the memory of her criticizing me,without the belief that she did.
Turning the thoughts around: she didn’t criticize me, I criticized her, I criticized myself.
I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, criticizing others. Right in the moment I believed, with so much fear, that she criticized me it was like a wall of fearful energy exploded between us and I never let myself get that close to her again.
Until now.
Remembering.
Opening up to how much I love her, and how much I love in general.
Could her communication to me be her best attempt to reach out for what she needed in that moment? To connect? To protect herself? To be heard? To make a situation she didn’t like, more favorable?
And maybe I’ve done the very same thing, every time I’ve been critical.
“Life itself is not a conclusion, and all mental conclusions are really there to be shattered, and this shattering of fixed views we call waking up, and it is a timeless process with no beginning and no end in sight. There are no ‘fixed’ waves in the vast, wild ocean of life. Let’s always keep the dialogue going, and never let it become a monologue. And then criticism will not be something we have to ‘deal with’ at all, but something we look forward to, something we embrace and cherish, since now we know it is only an invitation to deeply meet beyond stories, and surrender even more deeply to life and each other.” ~ Jeff Foster
Bring on the criticism.
It stirs something inside, a spark, a fire, a passion.
Could it be reality? Humanity? Love? A gift? A breaking of the shell?
peace is possible in every situation, even the one you hate thinking about
What do you do if you’re anxious, concerned, or troubled about what MIGHT happen in the future?
If the FUTURE is the thing stressing you out, how do you do The Work, or inquire, on that imaginary circumstance?
Someone asked me to write about this the other day.
Great question.
My first response is to chuckle a little….
….because that imaginary future scene we’re so afraid of feels like TOTAL imagination and making up a worrisome story, right?
Except, these memories or situations from the past….they’re also filled with imagination.
You might think….no.
That can’t be true.
In the past, this terrible horrible thing really did happen. I know it. I was there!
Doing The Work isn’t about denial, or saying something actually did not occur, because that would be weird or a bit crazy.
But this work is about investigating what we decided about that thing that occurred in the past. Our conclusions, the idea that we never, ever want to go through that again because we’re certain it wasn’t safe, it shouldn’t have happened, and it was unsurvivable.
Throughout life, to make matters worse, we learn about tough things happening to other people….and it’s natural to conclude that if bad things happen to people in this world, THEY’LL HAPPEN AGAIN!
And maybe to ME!
HHHEEELLLLPPPPP!!!!!
With the logical mind, you’d almost be bonkers NOT to conclude this.
But what I love about The Work is, we’re entering the mind, thoughts, imagination, thinking, visualizing and wondering what’s really true….
….and feeling what it would be like without believing our thoughts.
So let’s do a little exploration of Future Worries today and inquire.
Picture one of those upsetting things happening to you in the future.
If you really want to go for it, you can picture The Worst That Could Ever Happen.
I know this idea is intense.
You might want to do it in a group, or with a facilitator, and make sure you have support–you do anyway, no matter what, but having people with you can help.
(Just remember, it’s all in the mind, you are actually safe even if you think of horrible things).
I did this work myself.
The worst thing I could ever imagine happening was my kids dying suddenly.
It made me feel nauseated and I’d shout “DON’T THINK ABOUT THAT!” at myself.
I remember how vividly I considered this loss right after my first child was born.
My son, lying in his tiny car seat, seemed too delicate to even place in a car. I suddenly felt like I should never ever leave the house. Ever.
I was stunned with what I had just done. I had given birth and created such an intense tie with this human life, it dawned on me I could lose it.
I WOULD lose it, one day.
We were in separate bodies now (unlike pregnancy), and one of us would move on out of a body, who knew when, into this thing called “death” and the other “left behind” for awhile longer. That’s the only thing that could be known. No timing of it, no order of it, nothing else could ever be known about this process of traveling through this temporary life. My child might die before me, or me before child.
Only one thing was for certain. We both would eventually die.
So I sat with this imaginary horror show experience. Both my children dying.
Let’s do The Work.
Is your terrible vision something you are sure you couldn’t handle?
Are you positive it would be impossible to go on clearly, if it did?
Can you find, even a teensy eensy speck, of acceptance that these things do happen in reality, and life does indeed go on, and people not only survive but thrive sometimes?
Are you sure it’s true what you think about such difficulties isactually true?
Are you certain it’s as horrible as you think in this moment right now?
Byron Katie used to have a question she’d ask from time to time. It’s pretty blunt, and might sound kind of harsh.
And yet, I find very worthy of deep consideration.
“Who needs God, when we have your opinion?”
Gulp.
Even if you don’t like the word “God” you can substitute “Reality” or “Life” or “What Is”.
You mean….I might be….wrong? Or have one tiny perspective here that’s not the whole entire picture?
Oh. Right.
I notice, even if I don’t like something, or am terrified of death, hardship, separation, whatever….these events exist.
Could I look at them differently?
Who would you be without the belief that this vision you have, that’s pretty worrisome or devastating to think about….is bad, terrible, not handle-able, total destruction, evil or wrong?
Again, you aren’t denying the heart-breaking experience of loss, and change, and the feelings that pour out of it.
In fact, I learned of someone today, who I don’t know personally, whose son and 11 month old grandson were killed by a drunk driver one week ago.
I burst into tears.
But without the thought that this should never happen, or that nothing ever good comes out of it…..
…..without feeling terror of it, or against it, what might this be like?
You know when you go to the movies, and you see a very sad event occur, and you’re filled with sadness or fear? You might even cry in the movie theater.
Then the movie ends, and you wipe your eyes and ponder. Maybe you even sit quietly for awhile, in silence.
You’re aware that something deep has moved in you, and it’s moved through you because you felt.
You also know, it’s not real.
It was just a story.
Stories seem to happen in the human condition. Every kind of story you ever dreamed of (or had a nightmare about) happens in the human condition.
Everything.
But who are you, right now, without knowing exactly WHY anything happens or even needing to know?
Who would you be if you could relax in the presence of suffering, and hard stories, and the mind imagining all kinds of troubling things whether past or future?
What do you notice is here, besides “thinking”?
Even if you have visions of the apocalypse….what do you notice is here, now, holding all these stories and surrounding these difficult visions?
“Love can take everything into itself and remain complete – it can take in heartbreak, pain, fear, anger, sadness, total devastation. It can be crucified over and over again, and still remain whole. It knows no opposite, no enemy, no other. Only itself. Eternally, timelessly, Now.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Now….here’s the interesting part.
Turn your thoughts around about that possible scene making you anxious about the future.
Could anything interesting, or good, or beneficial, or helpful come out of that vision that scares or repulses you?
Has anything OK come out of that kind of thing ever before in the history of humanity?
As I do this work again today, I’m brought back to my nightmare vision of my kids dying.
What would be OK about it, or what might happen after that happens, or is there anything at all I can think of that would be acceptable about my nightmare?
What I thought about at the time was hard, but miraculous that I could find even one thing. I found three.
I wouldn’t have to worry about making enough money to support them, feed them, pay for college–I was financially in ruins later on in life and horrified I couldn’t buy them clothes, school supplies, or music lessons.
I could move anywhere I wanted in the entire world.
They would never have to suffer through losing me, or their dad, or just about anyone in their lives.
If you can’t find any examples, let it sit there.
Notice in the world what has happened when the thing you’re afraid of has occurred in someone else’s life.
“I just met my thinking with a little understanding. I no longer saw it as an enemy that needed to die, go away, be–what was the term we used?–let go of it. Why would I let go of one of my children? Does that make sense? Our thoughts are our children. Why would we want to banish them? Why can’t we just join with them? And that’s what this Work does: it meets every concept with understanding.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you want to question your wants about the future that appear favorable….the ones you cross your fingers for, pray for, hope for, come inquire and open to peace, now. Abundance, Desire and The Work Weekend. March 18-20. Friday evening, Saturday and Sunday. $295.
Join me for an online date Friday February 12th…questioning love stories
I get a lot of emails these days.
(Don’t we all).
And I’ve received many lately from people with powerful concerns about the implications of Loving What Is.
Especially when we hear about terrible suffering.
What if “what is”…..
…..is absolutely horribly devastating?
Maybe it’s in the past and not happening now, but you clearly have the memories. They still haunt you.
When you see the visions of what occurred, you want to run for your life! You want to stop thinking about them. You feel nauseated.
As I began to do The Work after I first read Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is, I really sensed the power of self-inquiry. I knew I was perceiving many situations as stressful, to say the least.
I got that this work is about the relief I could experience by realizing I don’t always know what’s 100% true. Hardly ever.
But I saw some circumstances in the world as so brutal and awful it was hard to even think about them at all. No one could ever “love what is” in those situations….ever, ever.
Right?
Even to think someone could, I had the thought that person was nuts. In denial. Wrong. Lacking compassion.
But as I practiced The Work over time, I grew aware that I put some events and situations in a special category.
The category of SICK, BAD, FOREVER WRONG.
Those things we won’t touch.
Sometimes, it’s not possible to love what is. Not for those terrible things, it just isn’t.
But one day, for some strange reason, after doing The Work for awhile on people who I found annoying, and situations I found personally difficult…..
…..I wanted to investigate on a grander scale.
Something inside me knew that if I refused to ever look at these destructive situations, these frightening events, the things I heard about happening to other people that made me feel horror…..
…..I would never truly “get” entirely “loving what is”.
Last weekend Byron Katie was in Seattle, as many of you know, and she spent the day with 750 people, including me.
An incredibly brave woman went up to the stage and sat with Katie in front of all the people in the room and read her worksheet, and then did her work, on surviving sexual violence and abuse during childhood.
After her session with Katie was over, someone stood up in the balcony and shouted, “I can’t take this! It is so wrong! There are some things that are simply unforgivable!”
This equally courageous woman in the balcony had a microphone handed to her, and she shared with us all how she was shaking and feeling horrified.
How it could ever be OK for someone to go through the abusive experience the woman on stage had just described? She was almost in tears.
I think she spoke for many people right there in the room.
She spoke for many people in the world.
She spoke for me, exactly as I had seen it ten years ago while I contemplated all the terrible things humans do to one another. The violence, war, hatred, prejudice, abuse, condemnation, bombs, beatings, rape.
It’s happening right now in the world, in many places.
How could this be acceptable, this story we just heard of dark, dreadful abuse perpetrated by an adult against a child?
How could we be open to loving what is, are you f&%ing kidding me??!
But watch what the mind is doing.
It’s screaming No, No, No, No, No!
It is so terrified, it curls up in a little ball and wants to disappear. It rages against what is.
We think “loving what is” means we are totally OK with what happened.
But that’s not what Byron Katie or The Work is suggesting.
Ever.
What I’ve found by questioning my thinking and my troubling stories to be, is a doorway into Peace Beyond Beliefs.
I don’t have to defend, I don’t have to “know” what’s right or wrong.
I already know what feels right or wrong, it’s in my very being at the core. I feel the love that is holy, untouched, beautiful and available to everyone. I feel the hatred and tightness and terror the mind can conjure up, the desperation and emptiness.
As I looked in my own life at these difficult situations experienced by humanity, I’ve seen that the perpetrators are also suffering every single time there is abuse and violence.
The haters are not having a good time. The haters are not excited and happy about life. They do not feel a trust of the world and reality.
They also feel small, unimportant, powerless, left behind, hurt, forgotten, damaged, desperate.
Byron Katie famously suggests “defense is the first act of war.”
I looked.
What I see is when I hate someone, or I hate a situation….I hate God, I hate Reality, I hate my circumstances, I hate Those People, I hate All This.
Is this hatred…..all that is, in these horrible situations?
Is it the Truth?
I’m not saying the terrible thing didn’t happen.
I’m just saying I noticed in this mental world of duality, the mind put those experiences and situations and people in the category of WRONG. They were in the category of un-save-able. They were in the category of evil and hell.
How do you react when there’s a dark place in the universe you need to stay away from? That place you KNOW is bad, wrong, sick, evil and terrible?
I spend time making sure I’m defended against “it”.
I’m relying on my own personal thinking to warn me. I’m trusting a small little corner of thought, not the big grand picture. I’m forgetting about love. I’m unaware of the power of forgiveness, compassion, acceptance and rebirth to be possible IN ALL THINGS.
How do you react when you think love can’t help THAT situation (the evil one)?
Horrified. Terrified. Acquiring weapons and arms and building up a fortress of defense. Protecting myself.
Acting like I know better than God.
I know what’s wrong….and God made a mistake by “allowing” this terrible thing to happen.
Who would you be without the belief that you know best? Better than Reality or God or Life?
All I know is, I find a sense of bizarre rest within, where I don’t know why or wherefore or what or how these events and circumstances exist in the human condition…..
…..and I see the suffering very acutely…..
…..but I feel how I am safe right now, I am surrendered to What Is in this moment, I am already accepting what is.
I don’t want to put anyone to death or force anyone into hell.
That’s not my job.
Even if my mind has taken that on, as if it IS my job.
Without the belief that I can’t overcome what appears awful, I actually turn and face the perpetrator. I stay in the room. I become fearless. I wait.
I surrender.
I let Life (God) handle the overwhelming situation.
Meanwhile, I begin to find actual rebirth that comes out of the ashes of violence.
I learn about all the awesome things that come out of terrible things…..
…..and what people discover when they question their need to dictate what is evil and what is not.
“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is.” ~ Byron Katie
Let peace begin with me.
That way, I know it will happen.
I don’t have to wait anymore.
You can love what is.
Look around you.
Even though terrible things happened….are they happening right now?
Except for your thinking, it’s over.
Stop being the perpetrator of your own suffering.
Question it.
“Who would you rather be–Jesus, who knew who he really was and recognized deep acceptance in his own experience, or his torturers, ignorant of their true nature, totally identified as false images, and deeply at war with themselves? Who would you rather be, the perpetrator or the victim? And who is the real victim–the one who hurts others because of deeply unaccepted pain or the one who experiences pain but knows who he really is within that experience? Who is truly hurt here?” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Do you feel hurt, or at odds, with Couple-Ness? Whether you’re single or partnered or alternating between both….come question your stressful thoughts about romantic love. Online Love Marathon in preparation for VALENTINE’S Day! Friday February 12th. Join for a 3 hour Live Inquiry Session on LOVE Relationships. Question your thinking, enjoy Valentine’s Day. Click HERE to register and join.
Those two tendons or whatever they are that come up the back of your head….oy.
They were like a headache but in the neck, and I don’t get headaches hardly ever (one thing I do NOT have a propensity towards most of my life, kinda nice).
After some discussion with family members, I realized it’s probably the slight bend down position I’m taking as I write, and look at the computer all day with people on skype, or look (again, at the computer) at my screen during the teleconference classes I teach.
Uh oh.
Could it be I am looking at a computer too much?
This never happened before like this.
My mind kicked in with a few stressful thoughts.
It’s hilarious how dramatic they were.
“I have to stop doing what I do for a living!”
“It’s all down hill from here!”
“My eyes are getting worse and worse!”
If you’ve ever had a condition that created pain, whether mild or very big pain….
….the mind often has the opinion that it should go away, naturally.
Nothing wrong with this, but you can also get super stressed about it. The pain is bad, it could return, I don’t ever want it to come back again, I hate this, my life sucks with this pain, this is a terrible situation.
I notice, with the thought, I feel discouraged and tired. Almost like a giving up sensation.
Why bother. Woah is me. Sad day.
But who would you be without the belief that it’s TERRIBLE to have pain?
Interesting, right?
I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t take an ibuprofen, or go to the doctor, or change up my seating position at home, or seek counsel where I can to help heal, or love when someone brings me food because I’m too broken to go get it myself (like my hamstring operation two years ago).
It feels different, not feeling terrible about pain or sickness. It feels different not feeling hopeless about pain or sickness.
Maybe that alone is so sweet and tender, it holds the entire experience differently.
I turn the thought around: my neck hurting is……wonderful?
LOL.
It’s not to be weird about it. Only looking to see, could there be advantages?
Can I notice what is OK, even if something in the body hurts?
I look around the room, I turn off my computer, I decide to go dance instead of working on a proposal for an upcoming conference.
“How To Love Yourself by Jeff Foster
When you change your focus what is absent to what is present, what is missing to what has been given, what you are not towards what you are, the ravages of linear time to the immediacy of Now you’re reconnecting with love, truth and beauty, and abundance is yours, effortlessly.
For truly, nothing is missing here, where you are, nothing is missing in this present scene in the movie of your life, and are forever busy, and at a point of completeness.
The only reason why you can not find the Unit it is because it never came out.
This isn’t good! This is terrible! This shouldn’t be going like this! How would you like to question these thoughts?
So yesterday morning I scheduled a live free Master Class on how to start doing The Work of Byron Katie on compulsion around food and eating.
I thought I was doing something easy to have people sign up so they could get the link to the webinar page with a slideshow and then click that link at the appointed start time.
But.
One person said she never got the link so she could connect (it should have showed up in an email your Inbox).
Then.
I wrote January 8th for the date it was being offered. Yesterday was January 10th.
Yah, it appears I am one of Those Dingbats who writes the wrong date. This has increased in the past 3 years. Seriously.
There’s more.
At the beginning of the class, several people sent messages saying they couldn’t see any slides. Since I’ve never participated rather than leading the class, you’d think I would test all these things out or learn why sometimes this happens.
Other people could see everything.
I am not a tech expert kinda girl, although I love cruisin’ around the internet and learning and dabbling in all kinds of stuff (you may have noticed).
But I have no idea why some people couldn’t see the slide show.
My beautiful slides. Arrrrgggggg.
You may have had technical difficulties on something in your life, too. Like a computer breaking down. Losing everything on your hard drive. Falling on and off a video call with someone. The internet dropping. Your phone running out of battery in the middle of a good conversation (also happened recently for me).
I love considering, just like we did in the Master Class yesterday, WHY I want it to work smoothly?
I mean…..so what, the slide show doesn’t appear for some.
Why is this bad, in my opinion?
I don’t want to disappoint. I want to help. I want people to come to my retreat in two weeks, if it’s right for them.
I want to help people end this suffering, and learn more than ever about the human condition and therefor myself, and how we heal and grow and discover the miraculous presence of peace and the way humans tend to get very lost in their painful stories.
I like finding freedom from mine.
So let’s look at this idea that something technically should be going like “x” and it’s not.
If it doesn’t go well (I see the imagined version of what going well looks like) then it will be a failure. People won’t get support. They’ll think I’m a ditz (note the date problem, after all).
To really get to the heart of the trouble….I can sit and consider more deeply why something I think went wrong could be called WRONG.
it rained on my wedding day
someone broke up with me
someone broke into my car
no one showed up (this could be anything you’re putting on)
I lost money
he didn’t understand me
Let’s question our beliefs!
My stressful thought: they should see the slides (it should go well)!
Is that true?
Am I sure it’s required they see my slides in order to understand what I mean? Am I sure you need to get what I’m talking about?
Does it really mean something’s gone badly, if the way it goes was not what I wanted, or preferred?
No.
I have no idea.
I know how I react when I believe the thought something should go as planned. Something should be seen. Something should be heard. Technology shouldn’t “fail”.
Stomach upset. Frustrated.
Do you notice what you’re like when you need the internet to work, and it doesn’t?
I know…..it may not be pretty.
But who would you be without this belief? Without the thought that it really does need to go the way you think it should?
Without the belief it needs to be sunny, heard, seen, understood?
It’s pretty hilarious how serious we get when we think it’s a disaster for the thing to “fail”…..
…..and pretty amazing to notice what it’s like to not know this is “failing”.
What if you didn’t miss anything?
What if it was just right? The right dose, in the right amount, at the right time?
How would you feel without the thought running through your mind At All that it should be different than it was?
WOW!!!!
I am so excited without the thought!
Turning the thought around: they shouldn’t see the slides.
Why not?
Well, I have learned tons of things in my life without seeing it visually with slides or pictures. It’s not the only way to take in what’s interesting.
And what do I know? Those who didn’t see the slides might then search for more information, they may continue in their investigation of their own peaceful life, they might go somewhere else more perfect for them.
Everything sifting and unfolding just right, without me running the show.
I turn it around again: I should see the slides (not them).
Duh.
Yes, this work is really mine. All mine. This is my own healing. I’m learning how to support others, and connect with all the universe. I love the joy I feel when my story inspires someone else’s healing, if it ever does.
The way it went was just right. It went brilliantly. I
t was fabulous, the best, the way of it!
Well….OK. You don’t have to go THAT far.
But you’ve survived, right? It’s OK right now, right?
Can you find your own examples of how that’s true for you?
“When you realize that in actuality this moment has no opposite, you stop trying to escape it. Since this moment has no opposite, it is not opposed by any other moment. It has no opposition, no enemy. It is a true original, unique in all of time and space, free to be itself, never at war.” ~ Jeff Foster in Falling In Love With Where You Are
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you missed the Eating Peace Master Class this morning: How to do The Work on eating issues…..I’ll be sending out the replay tomorrow. Meanwhile, if you have question on the upcoming 3 day immersion retreat in Seattle, there are still some spots left. Write grace@workwithgrace.com to ask and questions.
