Whether You Like It Or Not

Lately I have been working with some individuals on very deeply painful past memories and experiences.

These are situations that disrupted these peoples’ lives, maybe for years.

But what a striking thing to question….

….this very idea that those things in the past affected my whole life, and they shouldn’t have.

What if they should have?

What if the way it went, and the way it has been this morning, is actually OK?

The mind will say “NOOOOOOO!!! It is NOT OK the way it is. It must be different!”

I found my own mind concerned with the idea that so many people are suffering.

So sad. So difficult. So terrible. So many voices crying in the wilderness of life.

But without this belief?

Woah.

So funny.

Noticing it doesn’t matter whether I like it or not….

….or that even these people like or don’t like the way it went.

It’s like this, then like that.

That’s the way it rolls out.

All that can happen is questioning, remembering, being with All This no matter how I feel or think about it.

Whoever “I” is.

Noticing things that happened once, are over.

And suddenly, remembering this…..I feel as free as a bird flying high in the sky. Singing!

“Nobody has the power to allow this moment. The good news is that this moment is already allowed to be exactly as it is, whether ‘you’ like it or not. True freedom lies nowhere else but in the ‘suchness’ of this moment, the fragrance of the here and now.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

P.S. People are registering for Being With Byron Katie–we will have such a wonderful group July 11-14 right here in Seattle. Check it out, it will be a truly great summer communion with facilitators of The Work and other fantastic inquirers.

Could Your Deepest Despair Do This?

perseveranceI have heard of several people experiencing someone they love dying.
Everyone has this experience in life.
And yet, its so strange when it happens.
“This is what it feels like….oh.”
For everyone who has experienced a trauma, a difficulty, a loss….
….it isn’t exactly easy.
Sometimes, it feels devastating. Completely life-changing.
You may never be the same again.
And even in the midst of this apparently suffering, can you feel who you would be without your story of personal loss, unique to you?
Who would you be without thought?
You might sob, your whole body shaking. What I noticed when I experienced this kind of grief was something moving through and happening, and that I was living through it (not myself dying) and an awe-inspiring capacity for humans to discover peace beyond all understanding.
“What if you are not nearly as limited as you were led to believe? What if you are vast enough to hold and contain all of life’s energies, the ‘positive’ and the ‘negative’? What if you are beyond both, an ocean of consciousness, unified, boundless and free, in which even the deepest despair has a resting place?” ~ Jeff Foster
You are.
This is the turnaround. You’re here, reading this, despite such loss and hardship.

Love, Grace

Are You Afraid It’s Not Going To Work Out Perfectly?

Who would you be without the belief it has to be perfect?
Who would you be without the belief it has to be perfect?

I’m preparing for the Eating Peace 3 day retreat coming up next week, exactly a week from today. It’s jamming full, with a waiting list. Wow.

When you are really excited about something coming in the future, how do you react?

Do you over-prepare? Do you make lists? Do you organize and re-organize? Do you worry?

From time to time, someone comes to me for facilitation on their stressful beliefs about an upcoming event.

A wedding, a party, a retreat, a show, an interview, a presentation, an exam.

I’ve written before about the beliefs that whatever it is has to be good.

Must. Be. Good.

But let’s say….you know it’s gonna be awesome. You know your stuff, you feel in the flow, you’ve got experience, you’re excited.

Yet, still.

There are some other stressful worries.

I noticed one last night, as I watched the clock tick past 8, past 9, past 10 pm and had no end in sight to my final curriculum preparation and writing.

My biggest problem?

What to eliminate that I’ve learned, and teach, about freeing yourself from obsession with food.

Gosh….there’s so MUCH!

How can I cram it all in???!!!!!

Oh, wait.

That’s what I used to say about FOOD, right?  

How can I cram it all in? 

I suddenly realized, a familiar old thought is entering my consciousness: I want to include it all, I don’t want to eliminate a thing.

Leaving something out would mean deprivation. Missing something. Not having it all.

Oh brother….time to do The Work.

Is it true that eliminating something is bad?

Is it true when making a choice that whatever is decided against might be longed for later?

People sometimes feel this way about lovers, houses they’re buying, cars, pets, flavors, majors, school, movies.

I want ALL of them, I don’t want to “have to” pick!

But who would you be without that belief?

Who would I be without the thought that deleting and eliminating some exercises, and picking only some, will mean not everything gets covered?

Who would I be without the belief that it all needs to happen ASAP, too, so that I can rest and relax AFTER I’m done?

What if it could simply go the way it goes, and I’m participating in a co-created effort….me and the universe together, inventing.

Which means, being very very kind to myself, taking a bath, going to bed, doing something light, sitting quietly doing nothing.

Because, in the end, that’s what brought me freedom from obsession and compulsive thinking and behavior around food—love and kindness for myself, in the present moment.

Simple.

If you have dreadful worries about something coming in the future…

…stop for a moment.

Ask yourself, what if I loved myself wildly right now? What if I was my absolute most brilliant, sweet, fun and clever best friend, right now in this moment?

What would I do?

You know what I just did?

I set down my laptop, stood up from where I sat on my couch, and did a little jig in the middle of my living room floor, then stretched my arms way up high, took a long, deep breath, and felt what this whole room feels like….

….looking around at the beautiful colors, smelling the air, hearing the hum of the fridge, listening to the beautiful silence.

That’s what’s happening now.

What’s happening for you right now?

“In actuality, things have already worked out, beyond the story. For in this moment, in reality, there is already no goal, no image of perfection, no comparison, no ‘should’ or ‘should not’, and the thoughts, sensations, feelings, sounds and smells appearing right now are entirely appropriate, wonderfully fitting and beautifully timely for this moment in the movie of your life….Face it. Your life is never going to work out. Hallelujah.” ~ Jeff Foster

Isn’t it so exciting to simply feel in this moment?

Maybe all is very, very well without the worry or planning.

Drop the “maybe”.

Love,

Grace

P.S. Another week of podcasts is rolling out–Monday, Wednesday and Friday this week–my little 5 minute Peace Talks. Head over to itunes to listen by clicking this link HERE and be sure to submit a rating for me! I so appreciate all of you who gave such great ratings!!

Life Is Never Against You

Since I’m not going to Los Angeles for the Cleanse with Byron Katie next week, I’m going to offer my own mental cleanse!

Part of my own mental cleansing will happen by me being on the Help Line and offering free facilitation all morning (Pacific time) on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, to anyone who calls.

You can check the Help Line schedule and how it works here. My favorite is working on skype, since my headphones are so deluxe, so check for me there first (before phone).

It’s a fabulous resource for anyone and everyone if you want to sample receiving facilitation through the four questions and finding the turnarounds to a stressful concept you’ve got running in your life.

Everyone on the Help Line is there to serve! That goes for facilitators and facilitated, both.

You’ll be in safe hands either way.

Don’t be shy!

If I’m not available it’s probably because I’m already with someone else….just check the Help Line schedule and call another facilitator.

******

Last night our Year of Inquiry (YOI) group met for a little extra Tuesday evening session, since we won’t meet Thursday as it’s Christmas.

We’ve been looking at our common complaints in great depth.

Out of these often-repetitive thoughts and ideas about who and what we complain about are very profound underlying thoughts.

One YOI participant found that she had a belief about an upsetting situation that sounded like this:

I should have prevented it! 

Holy Moly that is a very painful belief.

When I have had this belief come through my mind, it’s been crazy discouraging.

An abortion, hurting someone I care about, being distant with a friend who wound up betraying me, not bringing something up that Iknew to address, lying about where I was or what I was doing to not hurt someone’s feelings, getting involved with a man I felt nervous about, being incredibly anxious and getting cancer, not working full time or planning for a better career….

There are many situations where we’ll think, when something difficult happens, about OUR part with great disappointment.

The part we should have known, or prevented, or been more aware of, or not been so dang unconscious about.

Ouch.

That attack towards yourself stings. Sometimes really badly.

Who would you be without the belief that you could have prevented the difficult, or absolutely horrible, thing from happening?

Some people will say “that would be letting me off the hook!”

But what if it was OK it went as it did?

What if you were actually doing the very best you could, with what you knew and believed and had learned?

What if you always have been doing the best you could?

“What’s worse, the falling rain, or your resistance to getting wet? The changing winds, or your battle against them? The grass as it grows, or your demand for it to grow faster? This moment, or your rejections of it? Consider the possibility that Life is never *against* you. You are Life.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for teleclass about learning to love yourself when it comes to money. Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks.

You Are Right On Time

I’m off in silent retreat!

Amazing technology…I can write this before I enter the retreat and you get it now.

And, how do I really know what will happen? There could be a tech glitch and what I think will happen in a few days actually won’t. There could be a surprise.

Sometimes planes don’t take off, things don’t go as we think.

No kidding, right?!?

Time…and all the ideas we have about it…is soooo crazy and fascinating.

And sometimes brutally stressful, without the ability to question what runs through your mind about “time”.

I have to plan now, I have to get ready, I have to get it done, I have to make good use of it, I’m not getting it finished, I absolutely do not have enough, I need more of it, life is too short.

These can be hard thoughts to have.

I have a wonderful friend who told me recently he can’t wait until he’s 62 so he can move himself into a retirement community, whatever place he picks where he’ll be for the rest of his life, and never have to worry about it from that point forward.

He has 11 years to wait until he’s 62!

But that was so funny (and fun) to me…since many of us don’t want to think about what’s coming in the future when it relates to retiring, declining, decaying, aging, dying.

Some of us might have the response to a friend making this kind of announcement that he’s planning too far ahead, he’s got plenty of time, and why is he so interested in moving only once-and-for-all anyway?

Over-planning, under-planning.

Lots of time, too little time.

Who would you be without the belief that there’s too much time, or too little time, when it comes to something in your life you care about deeply?

What if the story was instead that there is just the right amount of time?

Just the right amount of time with that person you once knew, just the right amount of time on that vacation, just the right amount of time struggling with your career, or being in that job, just the right amount of time waiting, just the right amount of time spent completing that project, or getting from here to there, just the right amount of time being alive on the planet?

“Confusion is when you argue with what is. When you’re perfectly clear, what is is what you want. So when you want something that’s different from what is, you can know that you’re very confused.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning thoughts about time around:

Woohoo! Planning happens, planning doesn’t happen, I get to consider planning since it’s entered my world through my friend, I can get ready, I don’t have to get ready, I don’t have to get it done, I don’t have to make good use of it, I’m not getting it finished, I’ll never get it finished, I absolutely do not have more than I have, and I don’t need more of it, life is just right however long or short it is, I write when I do, I send it out later.

“In reality, we are only ever given a moment of pain, and never more, although thought tries to project the pain into time, creating the story of ‘my past and future pain’, moving into the epic movie of ‘my lifelong struggle with pain.’ But life itself is only ever a moment, and we are always spared from time itself. Can we meet the raw life energy as it arises right now?” ~ Jeff Foster

Simply amazing, to be here spared from time.

Leaning into the life energy of this moment now.

Whether there’s a “deadline” or not, no matter what age you are, no wrong time, everything happening on time.

Much love, Grace

Safety Is Present Now, And Then

“I am not completely safe with that person!”

I was working with all the people enrolled in Relationship Hell to Heaven, and 8 week teleclass I teach, where we identify and question beliefs about those other people….

….especially the people we’ve been super close with.

Our topic for the class session was SHAME.

The exercise all the participants had for homework, to complete before the call, was to consider what you feel most embarrassed about, ashamed of, something you’d prefer to keep secret, when it comes to an important relationship in your life.

It didn’t have to be crazy intense disgusting, or mortifying.

It could be a small embarrassment, a wish that you had handled something differently or that you could take back the way it went down.

Rats. You want me to remember those situations?

Do I have to?

I immediately had three images of people come to mind, as the voices of these beautiful inquirers on the phone all spoke with honesty, and nervousness, in their voices.

Dang, that mind is so quick to remind me of what I consider “bad” behavior on my part, jeez!

There was one that was the worst.

I noticed the face of the person floating through my mind as these courageous inquirers answered the questions and shared their own truth, as they looked at this difficult situation they went through where they didn’t like the way they conducted themselves.

You could cut the harshness with a knife, it was so thick.

Self-criticism is intense, self-loathing vicious.

But then we looked at what we believed it meant, that this situation happened.

What was the conclusion, what did we think was true, what was so painful (besides the attack of the self)? What was the meaning we gave to that moment?

We spent some time looking at ourselves, and what we believed it meant about us that we had behaved that way….

….but THEN we looked at what it meant about the other person in that past encounter, when we thought things didn’t go so well, we didn’t act so smart, when we weren’t in our own integrity.

I wasn’t safe with them! I felt scared! He made me nervous! She made me anxious!

Let’s do The Work, just like our group did.

Is it really true that you were not safe in that situation, with that person? Even emotionally?

Are you sure?

Yes! Absolutely!

That person was pushy, grabby, leaving me, he didn’t care, she didn’t like me, he was critical, she was controlling, he was manipulative, she discounted me, he didn’t give a sh*t, she didn’t listen to me.

I was definitely not in safe territory, in their presence, in that situation.

How did you react when you believed that thought was absolutely true?

I pretended to be nice but did not speak my truth, I ran for dear life, I set rigid boundaries, I pushed him away, I avoided her, my whole body was tense, I couldn’t sleep later, I acted like it was OK when it wasn’t, I felt so sad, I ditched him, I talked about her with everyone I knew.

So who would you be without that thought that you were not safe with that person?

Like if you just pushed the pause button and froze that whole “unsafe” scene from the past and stared at the other person, stared at yourself, watched that past incident….

….without the belief in your mind that it was unsafe to be in that situation?

First, I notice I see him, doing what he did….and I feel the memory of adrenaline, even a touch of it right now, but I hold still, watching.

Without the thought that I’m not safe with that person, that it wasn’t a safe moment…

…I see nothing physically unsafe occurring.

Ha, that’s kinda funny.

I remember a gesture, him reaching out his hand, him saying some words, they were floating in the air. I heard them. Then I moved the way I did. We walked up a street. I got in my car. I drove away.

Nothing more.

No grabbing, no force, no violence. No danger.

As we did our work together in that group call, it suddenly occurred to one of the participants….

….wow, like, what is “safe” anyway?

Comfort? Relaxation? Calm? Security? Absence of dread, or images, or bad feelings? No possible imagined threat whatsoever?

And WHO is the one THINKING those threatening, alarming, worse-case scenario thoughts anyway? Who is imagining that situation was so unsafe, I freak myself out about it again even when all I’m doing is remembering the situation?

“I am not completely safe with my own mind!”

Could that be true, or truer?

“You must come out of hiding behind any superstitious beliefs and find the courage to question everything, otherwise you will continue to hold onto superstitions which distort your perception and expression of that which is only ever awake…You must want to know the truth more than you want to feel secure in order to fully awaken to the fact that you are nothing but Awakeness itself.” ~ Adyashanti

I look around and notice….how very safe I am.

Life buzzing in this body, happening now, and now, and now.

Much more than my little dramatic memories and movies playing in my head.

“The worst thing you’ll ever have to face in life is a thought, a sensation, an emotion, a sound, a smell, happening in THIS moment..” ~ Jeff Foster

There is something in here, in all of us, that is completely and totally safe.

Infinite, unmoving.

Exciting!

Much love, Grace

 

Awake At Night? Do The Opposite of What You Think, And Sleep

insomniaLast night I woke up with my mind running on about getting stuff done.

Before going to sleep, I had mapped out the next ten days and put things in my calendar to schedule writing time, appointments, what needs to happen first, second, third, tenth.

Now….I was excited, it felt pretty good.

Not scary really. Mostly confident that all I’m expecting and planning and organizing will unroll. Writing, working on keynote for a webinar, emptying the dishwasher, finishing the laundry, responding to emails, driving to the airport again to catch another plane.

But I’ve had times of waking in the night that weren’t so easy. Where I couldn’t go right back to sleep, like I did last night.

Once, there was a really agonizing bad-sleep time.

For nine months straight, I woke up every night at 3:30 am. Never to go back to sleep all the way to morning.

It was like something could not settle inside, no matter what I did.

Anxiety. Thinking. Worry.

During the sleepless time, I went to a weekend workshop with Byron Katie on relationships.

Right there at the workshop, I ran into a man I had been interested in dating. I moved quickly toward him as the workshop session ended, catching his elbow at the conference room exit doors.

He turned to me, but seemed cold and dismissive. I smiled and made friendly conversation, which fell like a lump of dung on the gold hotel hallway carpets as we walked next to each other surrounded by all the other exiting participants. We entered the bustling hotel lobby. He said with an irritated, tired voice that he didn’t want to talk or spend any time together, he preferred to be alone.

He stepped on an elevator, the white button dinging and shining to get on board if you’re headed up. I stayed on the shiny marble floors, and watched the elevator doors close as he turned around and caught my eye, with an uncaring, bland expression.

I waited for the next elevator going up.

But my heart was sinking down. Very far down.

I couldn’t go to sleep at all that night. I tossed, turned over, my mind racing frantically. I would shout at myself to shut up, stop thinking.

The next day, I asked Katie what to do if you can’t sleep.

She said, “How do you know you’re supposed to be awake? You are. Do The Work.”

My body felt nervous, slow, my eyes wanting to close off and on all day. I thought I’d sleep well that night. I saw the man who blew me off throughout the day, in various places in the room, alone or talking with people. I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye.

I went to sleep pretty early. But then, 2:30 am. Awake.

Instead of lying there fuming about not sleeping, or wanting to cry with desperation….

….I decided to take Katie’s advice.

Do the work.

A girlfriend was sharing my hotel room, so I couldn’t just get up and turn on the light. I took my notebook out of my suitcase, felt around for a pen, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, closing the door softly.

I began to write.

I am enraged because he is so horrible to me. He ignores me, abandons me, he thinks I am shit. I want him to suffer. I want him to pay attention to me. I want him to wake up. I want him to care about me. He should stop being so selfish. He shouldn’t be such an asshole.

I let it rip.

Suddenly all that I was ever most afraid of came pouring forth.

I felt the same way about life, about God (whatever it was), about reality, about other men, about love, about my family.

It was like a lashing out of all my most terrifying beliefs about being alive here, and my expectations and hopes and despair. Emptiness, aloneness, fear, anxiety, abandonment.

My pen was making loud sounds on the paper, I was so furious I almost wanted to rip the notebook to shreds, break the pen. I couldn’t find words bad enough to say about “him”.

And there I had it. The truth of that festering, babyish, dark and terrified voice inside.

I began at the top, with the work.

I am all alone.

Is that really true?

No. There’s a toilet here with me, apparently (and it’s called my mind, haha)!

Who would I be without the thought that this is the worst moment I could possibly be having right now?

Sitting in a bathroom at 3:50 am with no sleep, raging energy, and a big mirror where I can see myself writing….a great moment?

Yes.

I turned the thoughts around: I am not alone, this is awesome, this is explosive, this is healing, it’s fantastic to be awake, I’d WIDE AWAKE, I’m free, I do not need anyone to do anything, and that includes paying any attention to me whatsoever.

I’m being spared.

I’m with me. I am the best partner, lover, friend, companion, loyal, trusted advisor I’ve ever had. I am my own best friend.

I am enraged because my thoughts have been so horrible to me. I ignored myself, abandoned myself, I think I’m shit. I wanted to suffer. I wanted me to pay attention to myself. I wanted me to wake up. I wanted me to care about myself. I should stop being so selfish. I shouldn’t be such an asshole. 

Sighing and laughing, all at once. All true.

“As the brokenness calls to you, as the doubts sing their crazy song, as stories cascade like oceans, remember that the very homesickness you try to push away is actually inviting you to your true Home, Here and Now, prior to all earthly homes….Raging doubts are explosions of supreme intelligence, calling you to deep trust in your own first-hand experience, and a fearless plunge into the constant embrace of the Unknown.” ~ Jeff Foster 

Later, sleeping happened. First one day, then two, then every night, then almost all the time very sound, deep sleeping. Changing and shifting at times, alarms or late nights or awakeness sometimes, but mostly the sweetest easiest deep sleeping.

And if I’m sleepless, I know what to do.

Love, Grace

Be An Unaccomplished Mess–And Have Fun

birdondock
the bird doesn’t fly to accomplish something, it just flies

For the first time I’m writing TWO notes per day.

These here Grace Notes, my own work right in front of you in writing….and then Eating Peace notes which will only be happening for awhile, until the Eating Peace program starts on October 26th at 8:30 am.

(If you wanted to be on the Eating Peace list, too, you don’t have to join the program to read what I’m sending…really vital parts of what I learned over the years that helped me recover completely from eating wars. To subscribe to Eating Peace notes, just click the little tiny words at the bottom of this note that say “Update Profile/Email Address” and you can add yourself to the Eating Peace list.)

I almost can’t believe I’m writing so much, and how it simply spills out of me like I’m turning on a faucet!

People ask me how I do it?

I could say a few details on how, and they may be interesting or helpful…

….like, I make sure I have time in my schedule now twice a day without clients, I can type 150 words per minute, I always have an idea running in the back of my mind, I get inspired by clients every day and THEIR thoughts….

….but really, that’s all yada yada.

For some reason, this is what is happening.

I had no plan for it. I don’t have an explanation for it either.

My expression into the world is in writing, doing my inquiry, running workshops and creating programs for some weird bizarre reason.

But let’s say you WANT to do something, and you notice you DON’T do it .

Maybe you want to write every day like me. Or maybe you want to earn more money, get in better shape, learn to play the mandolin, speak French, change careers, visit Argentina, go on a cruise, make a room in your home better, find a mate, clean out your shed, upgrade your car, get the dandelions out of your yard, lose twenty pounds.

The mind will go on and on with projects.

Some repeat themselves regularly.

It really seems like you should accomplish them. Or someone else close to you should accomplish something!

This is pretty fun for inquiry. You may feel lighter, once this is over.

You should accomplish what you way you want to accomplish.

They should accomplish what YOU want them to accomplish (and they say they want to accomplish).

Is it true?

Well…duh! Of course I want to earn more money! Of course I want to finish my book! Of course I want my husband to lose some weight!

All around better. Sure of it.

Really?

YES.

How do you react when you think that idea should become a reality? When you really believe that you ought to get it done? When you absolutely think THEY ought to get it handled?

*IRRITATED!!!*

A huge wave of frustration comes over me. I could storm around railing about how this isn’t done, that isn’t done.

Last summer 2013, I decided in early June that this was the summer to get the shed cleaned out.

I scheduled it on my calendar for August, a whole weekend to clean out the shed.

I was very committed. I got a truck. I planned. I kept two full days clear, Saturday and Sunday. I scheduled nothing.

I was successful!

I got all MY boxes cleaned out, I took stuff to the dump, I took stuff to Goodwill, I stacked things neatly.

The only little part left was that my kids and husband, I had decided, ALSO needed to clean out THEIR boxes in the shed and eliminate, throw away, label, do all the shed-type-cleaning-out stuff.

That part never happened.

AAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!

Heh heh.

Now, summer 2014 just ended. No further shed-cleaning has happened from the other said parties.

Let’s just say, how I react when I believe it SHOULD be accomplished is….well….a little like Hitler marching around a whacking things with a stick.

Who would I be if I couldn’t even have the thought that something should be accomplished that is NOT yet accomplished?

Oh. Gosh.

Suddenly, laughter!

Without the belief that anything special should be happening, without the belief that all those things you want done should be done by now, or it would be better if they were….

….it’s like soaring in a wide open sky.

Nothing expected. Nothing necessary. Nothing needed in order to “get” somewhere. No accomplishing required.

And I notice I loved doing all that shed stuff, it made me happy. It makes no difference if I thought other people should also want to do it, too.

“When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any of that stuff on your list done, or even started…with none of it complete at all…could you still be happy right now, in this moment?

Yes. Giddy almost.

Do you think you’d be more likely to do that thing you imagine doing from this joyful place, or from the angry place?

This is fun.

“You’ll never reach a point in your life where everything is solved, all neatly tied up in a bow. That’s the point…..You learn to love the mess of your life…..” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

Eating Peace – Hold Still With Anxiety For 60 Seconds

Yesterday, I talked about POWER and how it relates to this life with eating food….and how twisted up it can get.

(To read the post if you missed it, click here).

When I was eating frantically, or running at 6 am for 3 miles in the dark, or hanging my head over the toilet to throw up the huge amount of food I just ate….I felt very, very powerless.

My mind got stuck on my powerlessness over food and eating.

When I calmed down from a binge or purge episode, I would begin to feel just a little better again, I would feel a little rested, not so awful and full of self-condemnation, not quite so anxious.

I might have a day or two, or a week or two, where I stayed on a food plan or a diet, or follow my rules of what is “good” to eat and avoid what was “bad” to eat.

Then I’d feel like I could handle my life, things were going OK, nothing horrendous to report from the battlefield, all quiet on the front.

But the problem was, I was worried that I would lose control again wildly, unimaginably, and I wasn’t even sure why. It seemed to happen over and over again. I would cling to that food plan like it was my saving grace, as long as I stayed on it.

(Nothing wrong with food plans, by the way….they can be very stabilizing and give you the gift of knowing what to do and when to eat if you’re super confused).

What I really wanted was a relaxation that seemed impossible. To never, ever worry about food, eating, diet, my body size, or what I was or wasn’t eating again.

I wanted my whole entire problem to GO AWAY.

I tried everything to eliminate it and make it go away. I just wanted something to “work” and help me stay on solid ground for more than a few days or a few weeks (I once controlled myself on a food plan for over a year…but then that crashed as well).

It really seemed like the way people made changes in the world was to take control of a situation, use willpower, force, determination, persistence, motivation.

Most of the diet books and books on food used these kinds of words and offered tremendous structure and how to stick with something without getting thrown off course.

But none of that can work if you feel frightened of being in the opposite field…of being in the state of having no control, no clear way to change, no guarantees, no answer, no solution.

I found out, the very hard and difficult way, that I had to accept the places I had NO power at all….to find where I did.

Where did I have zero power or control in my life?

I started with a list of where I had no power when it came to food and eating, it seemed….and then expanded to where ELSE I had no power.

My list looked something like this:

I am powerless over these urges to binge, I am powerless over cravings, wanting to stuff my face, hunger and fullness. I am powerless over the exact appearance of my body, powerless over cellulite, the exact shape of my thighs or stomach, the way my face is designed.

I am powerless over other people and how they behave or talk with me or what they are thinking, I am powerless over the weather, I am powerless over my boss, my job, the traffic, how much time I have.

I am powerless over my emotions especially anger, sadness or fear. I’m powerless over what happens every day. I am powerless over my spiritual path. I’m powerless over achieving spiritual enlightenment!

Now, being powerless in itself is not necessarily upsetting…unless it is.

That’s where your key to understanding and clarity can burst open…when you feel yourself being upset at whatever you feel powerless over.

How do you begin?

Write down ONE troubling situation where you feel really powerless, something that scares you, something troubling you really hate in life.

It doesn’t have to be about food and eating.

In fact…if you see what else besides food and eating and your body feel powerless, you might crack into some deeper beliefs that sit inside you and fuel your urges to eat when you aren’t hungry.

Then use inquiry to explore and investigate your experience.

I am powerless over my anxiety.

(You might write a person’s name, what someone said to you, what someone thinks of you or did to you, a place, an incident, something about your body…anything you feel powerless over).

Now ask…why is that upsetting?

Let’s look at being powerless over anxiety.  A lot of people who fall into addictive activities feel upset about having anxiety, right?

Why would you want power over your feeling of anxiety?

Because I hate feeling anxious, it feels sickening. I want to feel relaxed at all times, and happy!!

Why do you not want to feel anxious? Are you sure you don’t?

What if instead of being hateful and something to be controlled…anxiety was here to offer you something important?

What’s the reality of anxiety?

It exists!

“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

What happens when you hate anxiety, and you feel anxious?

I lower my eyes and don’t look at people. I try to pretend I’m not anxious when I walk down the halls. I hide under the covers. I soothe myself with food. I don’t say what I feel.

Who would you be if you couldn’t even have that thought that anxiety is bad?

Oh. Strange!

Yes, it’s odd…but what if you didn’t even know that the feeling we’re calling “anxiety” was called “anxiety”? What if you just felt it, coursing through your body, without a label?

Wow. I’d notice high energy, something that wants to run. I’d also notice what it’s like to look around, see the space and air and windows and people or activity around me.

I’d pause and look around, with this feeling running.

If you turn the thought around to the opposite….see what that is like, as you examine and feel “anxiety”….

….I want to feel anxious. This is OK to be feeling this feeling. 

How could that be true?

“Quite simply, if you’re feeling anxious, angry, a sense of shame, whatever it is, breathe in and agree to touch or feel it. Breathing out, offer space and care to whatever’s there. If there’s blocking to touching it, emphasize the in-breath and stay embodied.” ~ Tara Brach

Try it and see what happens. See if you can not do anything about it (like reach for food).

See if you can not leave yourself when you’re anxious and try to get rid of it.

Are you OK?

I found, that’s the only place I have any power. To simply be with what is.

“Existence can feel overwhelming sometimes; the waves in life’s ocean can be so intense that it feels like we will be destroyed if we go any further, and the only solution seems to be to shut down and distract ourselves from present experience…But as the ocean itself, as the vast space of consciousness that holds all of these beloved waves, you can never truly be destroyed.” ~ Jeff Foster

We’ll work more with anxiety and not trying to escape it in the Eating Peace program coming up…but you can try it today without waiting.

See what happens if you stop and do nothing for even one minute when you feel anxious, and your mind is full of plans and ideas and thoughts of quick escape.

Wait for 60 seconds before running to eat something. You can eat in 60 seconds, so don’t worry, you’ll still get to eat. But pause and see what the anxiety is saying first….you may be surprised.

You may find the urge to eat….dissolves.

Really.

Much love, Grace

They Should Stop Telling That Bad Story

WhatToDoWithComplainers
Ever think someone should stop telling that troubling story?

People write to me sometimes to ask if I’ll write on a specific topic: parenting, love, jealousy, divorce, sibling rivalry.

Just yesterday an inquirer wrote asking me to write about other people who go on and on telling sad, difficult or terrible stories.

What to do?

I loved the image that came to my mind that she described of her having to listen to a woman in her classroom, while kids were on a PE break, telling “her whole life story of difficulty.”

We’ve all had that kind of moment.

There you are, listening to someone speak. They are telling you how awful it’s been for them, how unfortunate, how they were hurt and never could recover, how hard their lives.

I hear many people speak of difficulties, and it’s actually easy and touching for me. But what’s the difference when you get that sensation of never-ending darkness, difficulty, victimhood and your ears and eyes start to glaze over.

I suddenly remembered a co-worker from many, many years ago.

Here she would come, around the corner holding her coffee mug. At first, it had been fun to connect and talk about what seemed to be deep issues, important ideas, personal topics, difficult or sticky encounters at home, with neighbors, in childhood.

But now, inside….I wasn’t feeling so compassionate, connected and interested.

Oh no. Here she comes. Here comes the sob story.

If you’ve had this kind of encounter…..what are the thoughts really saying, what is your resistance saying, what are you trying to do when you have this urge to put up a shield and Not Hear One More Word?

Here’s what I found was under the surface when I wanted to push a button and have the Cone of Silence come down over my head when I saw that co-worker walking down the hall towards my cubicle:

  • I wish she felt better, because then I would feel better
  • I can’t be honest with her or I’ll make it worse and hurt her more
  • I’m very sad she’s had such trouble, and it’s difficult to hear about because I don’t know how to help and I SHOULD know
  • I’m terrified of victims, their story seems so hopeless
  • When I hear this sad story, I feel sad because people should have happy lives
  • The world is a cruel place
  • Some people here on planet earth become weak, lost, tragic failures….and I’m afraid to be near them because it scares me
I once had a very good friend who was in graduate school for psychology. She told me about a lecture she heard that day.

A professor said that depression, fear, rage and negativity are contagious….just like happiness, optimism, joy and love.

Well, duh, I thought.
You can see or feel that when you walk in any room! If everyone in the room has just been told frightening or horrible news, then someone who doesn’t know who walks in the room will feel the energy like an electric current. If everyone has just learned incredible exciting and joyful news, the room will be alive with that energy!
But what if you questioned your beliefs about what you believe it means, when people receive difficult news? What if you question your thoughts about those victims out there who you encounter?
You may find another option altogether.
Let’s find out.
Is it true that if someone else feels good, I also feel good….or if someone feels bad, I also feel bad? Is it true that I’d feel better if everyone else felt better? Does that mean I want everyone to feel happy, powerful and strong all the time? Do I really need to know what to do when super crazy horrible things happen to people? Is there little hope for a happy future, when people have awful tragedies in their lives?
Hmmm. It seems to be the case. It seems like being around joyful people is easier, more fun, and that it lights me up. When I’m talking with a sad, upset, disappointed, grief-stricken person how I used to feel was afraid, nervous.
Kinda like I wanted to ditch out.
As this inquirer confessed, she said she wanted the woman with the sad story to Shut Up!!
Maybe your answer is YES, they should STOP TELLING THAT STORY! Or maybe you answered no, because you’re really not so sure they should.
Who would you be without that thought, no matter what your answer? What if you couldn’t even have the thought that they should stop being that way?
What if it was OK for them to have whatever story they have, whatever complaint they have, whatever tone, idea, or beliefs they have about their lives?
Sort of strange, right?
“I do The Work with you because you think you need it. I don’t have any such thought; I love you just the way you are. That’s what I am to myself. You are my internal life. So your asking is my asking. It’s just me asking myself for my own freedom. This is self-love. It’s perfectly greedy, always.” ~ Byron Katie

How do I know I’m supposed to be hearing the story I’m hearing?

Because I’m hearing it. That’s reality.

  • I feel connected, whole, here, supported…even when someone else feels bad
  • I can be honest with her and say “when I listen to you, part of me is scared or sad because I want everyone to overcome difficulties and I know it’s possible for anyone.”
  • I don’t know how to help, but I can be honest and I can listen
  • She is not a victim, she is hopeful
  • I can feel love and peace, no matter what I hear
  • The world is a wonderful place
  • No one here on planet earth is a weak, lost, tragic failures….including me. It’s only a story we sometimes tell.

How is it a good thing, that this person crosses my path, who feels pain and has a troubling story?

Find out.

That’s the way to not feel like a victim….of those people who are being victims.

“I will always listen deeply to you, but I will never try to fix you, mend you, stop you feeling what you are feeling or give you second-hand, memorized answers. I will never pretend to be the one who knows, the enlightened one. I will not get into drama with you, I will not indulge and feed your stories and mental conclusions and fears, I will not mistake who you are for my story about you, my dream of who you are. But friend, I will meet you in the fires of hell, I will hold your hand there, I will walk with you as far as you need to walk, and not turn away, for you are myself, and in the deepest recesses of our experience we are intimately each other, and we cannot pretend otherwise.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace