Month: August 2016

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If you think you’re screwing up….you may be missing what’s really bothering you

I’m thrilled today to offer, for a third time, the MasterClass on our human barriers to doing The Work (I walk through ten of them I’ve identified)….and what helps to dissolve them. We get underway at 2:00 pm Pacific Time and will be going for a minimum of 2 hours.

What I know about doing something many times is, you get better and better at it, naturally. You learn through doing it.

This applies to doing The Work, too.

But we sure do feel lousy when we look at ourselves and have the thought “you’re doing a horrible job” or “you made a mistake” or “what a dummy!”

Yikes, that self-flogging is hard to bear, and yet very common.

self-criticalme
Is your worst enemy……you? Find out what you’re really afraid of.

Just the other day, in the Summer Camp call, someone had a worksheet on The Work itself.

I was so moved by the honesty and the thoughts about this “thing” called “Doing The Work” and then this other entity called “me”, noticing how the “me” in question is a Big Fat Mess….

….and “The Work” needs to fix it. ASAP.

Problem is, when you really believe this is true, the BFM (Big Fat Mess) is attacked. It must be stopped.

We’re at war!

We feel the need to do The Work, or many other modalities that tend to invite and result in powerful change, because of one single basic deep assumption:

What I Am Is Not Good Enough.

What I am is not working, not succeeding, mediocre, imperfect, a procrastinator, a mistake-maker, poor at decisions, basically and inherently Less Than.

Ouch.

It’s hard to question all the thoughts you identify that are directed at YOU, this entity with so many problems, because part of you can’t see the underlying assumption that hurts so much and lies beneath everything and every strategy to fix it.What is happening isn’t good. I can make it change.

Double Ouch.

So what if for just a second, you stopped trying to fix yourself and your BFM (Big Fat Mess) ways……..and you directed your attention to what’s happening that hurts or feels very frightening?

If you think you’re a dork at making money, how about looking at money….instead of condemning yourself and beating yourself to a pulp trying to get yourself to pursue more money all the time?

If you think you’re horrible at love and relationships….how about looking at those relationships and wondering why you want them, what they give you, what you believe is necessary about them or necessary about getting them away from you, so you can be happy?

If you think you’re a ridiculous parent….how about looking at your kids and how they behave that suddenly has you acting like an eight year old yourself, and then feeling ashamed of it?

If you think you’re a terrible employee….how about you look at your boss, or co-worker, or the place you work and seeing what annoys you or frightens you about it that rubs you the wrong way?

If you think you’re an addict….how about you look at your terror, the times you felt traumatized, the encounters that made you feel deeply upset, maybe from the distant past?

The attack at the self often comes right on the heels of seeing a situation and thinking “This can’t be so, I can’t take this, this is failure, I’m afraid of what’s happening!”

All I know is, I have found it far more powerful to stop looking at improving myself, which is really Step 2 that the speedy mind comes up with anyway, and go for the jugular.The jugular, the most important vein, the source of nourishment and life to those thoughts about “me” and what a terrible person I am.

This is the situation I see around me, the condition of life I’m living in, the contact I have with reality….and how upset and frightened I am by it.Money, Time, People, Change, Earthquakes, Physical Injuries.

If they scare me, then I’ll work on myself forever trying to make it so I can be resilient, amazing, tough, brilliant, successful and a master of them all!

And…..dare I say it…..Rule The World!

(Little joke. My former husband who is hilarious says it with a British accent, which you should probably try, too, wringing your hands together like a mad scientist).

Isn’t that the ultimate goal, even if you have wonderful, favorable, morally beautiful goals like “enlightenment”……..you’re trying to get yourself to be different, better, more improved, beyond human?It’s gonna hurt.

Why?

Because you ARE HUMAN if you’re reading this. At least I’m pretty sure you are in the way I mean it.

And what is a human?

An incredible, genius life-force of powerful creative, spacious, aware energy turned “on” for “x” amount of years on this planet by something we-know-not-what but we call it Source, God, Universe, Reality, Life, Mystery.What else is human?

Making really goofy mistakes, having big emotions and crying, feeling fear, learning about people, wailing and suffering, doing dingy things, loving, forgetting stuff, dying, believing thoughts, hurting other people, sleeping, waking up, going to war, illness, going on adventures, feeling joy, grabbing, breaking apart, sharing, coming home.In the midst of all this….a most incredible mind built for inquiring into meaning, built for wondering.

A mind somehow here to help us feel what it’s like when we let all parts of humanness dance, dance and dance.A mind capable of identifying and questioning fearful thoughts, and unraveling their power, one questioned thought at a time.

“Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you’d like to join the amazing inner adventure of personal inquiry practice, Year of Inquiry early bird closes Friday, and our first group telecall is Tuesday, September 8th.

The curriculum? Your life. All the most common topics we humans tend to experience as painful. You know what stresses you out. This is the scaffolding that allows you to question it. Read all about it here.

Much love,Grace

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Eating Peace: when you feel like a victim….you want to eat. Here’s the antidote.

When you think you’re a victim of someone else, or life circumstances, or a difficult situation….
….you’re guaranteed to feel uncertain, fearful and like a VICTIM.
Oh no.
Then we also feel bad about being a victim (and then you’re a victim of your own judgment towards yourself on top of it).
The best way to address the feeling of smallness, powerlessness, and being a victim of something or someone (including you) is to access your honest yes or no within, and practice saying it out loud.
No shame, no freaking out.
Sometimes, it’s called “assertiveness” but really this means you are telling the truth, and allowing it to be known.
It may not be as difficult as you think.
And when you do….it’s soooooooo worth it. You’ll stop wanting to eat.

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The one thought that leads to all suffering

Yesterday was a glorious summer afternoon in Seattle. The rare days of deep blue sky, bright sun, a light breeze singing in the wind chimes, and the most perfect temperature imaginable.

It may have possibly been the first Sunday like it all summer, here in the Pacific Northwest, where mild temperatures and overcast skies are much more the norm.

Of course, as I gathered my clipboards, set out the cup of pens, moved the chairs into place in a circle, put all the dishes in the dishwasher in the kitchen, and cleaned the bathroom….

….part of me thought, “I wonder if anyone would show up today at the meetup to do The Work?”

cellphoneanger
Oh no! I’m believing my thoughts as I read this text!

Only three people came.

But oh what fun, looking into the mind, our stressful thoughts, and taking them through the four questions.

It didn’t matter if there had been only one person showing up.

Something is precious about companions traveling along with us.

Not just precious….but practically, for me, for years….

a requirement.

Without other people, I would not sit and do The Work for two hours like we did yesterday.

Left on my own, it is just as possible yesterday that I might have gone bicycling, done laundry, gone online to look at more venues for upcoming retreat options, made airline reservations necessary for September, gone grocery shopping, read while lounging on the front porch, or put clean clothes away.

Instead, I got to sit thoughtfully, quietly, and consider a painful situation….

….when I believed someone I cared about didn’t appreciate me.

I love this simple question to enter The Work and the discovery of a situation you might have found disturbing: “When in your life has someone NOT appreciated you?”

Byron Katie has a wonderful invitation for us all, which is to watch what happens we perceive we’re not loved, approved of, or appreciated in a situation.

She calls it LAA (Love, Approval, Appreciation).

Now….here’s the funny thing about this simple awareness of not being appreciated (or loved, or approved of, or acknowledged, or accepted—you get the idea, use whatever word makes the most sense for you)….

….I notice any time I’ve ever, ever been upset about anything, it’s because of the perceived absence of LAA.

Yeah, seriously.

And yeah, that simple.

My friend ditched me because of something I didn’t even do, or say? She didn’t really love me. My sister never answered my texts? She doesn’t really appreciate me. My grandpa was too bossy, controlling, and acted like a dictator? He didn’t approve of me. My partner left me? He didn’t really love me. My friend demanded too much time and attention from me and didn’t take no for an answer? He didn’t appreciate me and my life circumstances. I lost all my money? God doesn’t appreciate me, my ancestors didn’t appreciate me (no inheritance), my partner didn’t appreciate me. I lost my job? My boss didn’t approve of me.

Every time. Every stressful experience, someone (including God/Source/Universe/Reality) doesn’t appreciate, love or approve of ME.

Kind of funny, right?

What this ends up meaning about The Work is that as I identify situations that disturb me, or create anxiety, fear, anger, irritation….

….I am questioning the belief, in these situations, that I am not truly loved (or the other words that can be substituted for love in all the variations we describe it).

So right now, think of someone who you think isn’t really loving you, or approving of you, or appreciating you.

See them in your mind doing that thing they did, or saying those words to you, or ignoring you, and it feels painful.

They don’t appreciate who you really are. They don’t appreciate the real you. They don’t love you. They don’t care about you. They don’t approve.

Is it true?

In my mind, I’m reading a text, and it says “I am done”. This refers to the relationship I have with someone. It stabs me in the gut. I feel sad, then angry, all in the flash of one second.

It’s true!

She doesn’t appreciate me at all!

What a *$%&@$*!

(See how fast that happens? It’s called not actually answering the question, which isn’t then doing The Work).

Back to the question. Right.

Can I absolutely know it’s true she doesn’t appreciate me?

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION—DID YOU READ THE TEXT I RECEIVED FROM HER? Here….let me read it to you….you’ll be on my side then….you’ll see what I have to deal with.

Oh. Wait.

That would be going into justification, explaining, telling a nice big fat juicy story that proves I’m right about this, and she really, really doesn’t appreciate me.

Rats.

Just answer the question.

Deep breath.

Can I absolutely know this text means she doesn’t love me?

No.

I really can’t know it’s absolutely true. In fact, I know she does.

How do I react when I believe she doesn’t appreciate me, and I’m reading the words “I am done” and it feels like I’m getting cut off and slammed and dismissed and other words in the text seem to globally say the entire relationship is screwed and always has been?

Yikes.

Rage.

I want to be sarcastic back in a reply text. I feel very, very hurt underneath the anger. I’m taking it so personally. I feel constricted and contracted around those words I’m reading. In my mind I treat her like she’s wrong, and I’m right.

So who would I be without this belief she doesn’t appreciate me?

Wow.

I’d be reading the words of a very hurt person, who doesn’t know what else to do or say, who feels…..unappreciated. Someone who’s tired and angry.

I’d read the actual words which say not “I am done” with this whole entire relationship for the rest of life as we know it….but “I am done” with this particular format and way of relating. She’s simply saying “no” to what’s been proposed.

Without the belief “she doesn’t appreciate me” I also notice this is not all about me (haha). I’m simply looking. I’m observing someone really, really, really upset.

I have a lot of compassion for upset.

(And to be entirely honest….I’m not actually observing anyone in reality. I see a text, with words, on my phone, and I am IMAGINING her yelling at me and fuming in anger and wanting to hurt me….I don’t see anyone in the room with me. I am reading a text, for God sakes. That’s it.)

Without the belief she doesn’t appreciate me….I look around the beautiful room I sit in, with my phone and this text on it. I see white shades on a big pretty window with sparkles of sun coming through in slit shapes, I hear voices of people walking by, I feel the chair supporting this body, and see red toe nails in black flip flops.

Turning the belief around: I don’t appreciate her, she DOES appreciate me, I don’t appreciate myself.

In this exact moment, reading the text with her words “I am done”how could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I don’t appreciate her: Yes, I’m immediately judging her as immature, bratty, closed and so mean. I rip her to shreds in my head and see images of her making mistakes, or lying. I don’t see the wisdom in maybe taking a break and a sabbatical for awhile. Sabbaticals can be really good. They were invented for a reason.

She does appreciate me: She’s communicating with me in this very text, she’s saying “no” and telling the honest truth for herself, she’s not coming over and yelling at me, she’s leaving me alone–pretty low key really. No sound was uttered, only words sent electronically. I do find it gentle, now that I think about it. She didn’t ever say she was done for all time and hated me, or actually anything about me not being worthy of her appreciation. She only said she didn’t like the way things played out and she didn’t feel any hope for it unfolding in a new way. She could be right.

I don’t appreciate myself: I’m thinking if it doesn’t go the way I want, I’m doomed or I have no family and no love at all. I’m not aware of my own resilience, inner silence, joy and capacity to care for me. I’m not aware of my freedom in the moment, even if someone says “I’m done” to discover happiness. I’m seeing myself as quite small, and dependent on getting “nice” texts not ones that look like this.

Holy Moly.

I can’t believe how much I wasn’t appreciating myself by all I assumed so quickly in less than 30 seconds, when reading a text. My whole day changed by a few sentences in writing.

And this realization could happen because people came over to do The Work with me.

Once again, there is nothing like community and connection to allow The Work to sink in like a collective prayer, a group intention, an expression of desire to share, join, receive.

Thank you to everyone who has ever shown up to share in this incredible adventure with me. I could never do it without you. And that includes the text-er, the one who supposedly didn’t appreciate me.

“You can see that when you believe the thought, there is an uneasy feeling, a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. Since you may have realized from Question 1 that the thought isn’t even true for you, you’re looking at the power of a lie. Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does…..

….You can’t push yourself away from God; that’s not a possibility. You can only push yourself away from the awareness of God within you, for a while.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The best way in the world to devote time to do The Work in your life is by joining community and making time to practice it. One of the best ways I know to do this is in Year of Inquiry. Sign up now during early bird registration through August 19th, five more days, and save a huge $500. Group therapy, guided facilitation sessions, support groups in specific modalities, training programs….all range from $400 per month, to $15,000 per year. Nothing is as inexpensive as this Year of Inquiry for how much time we share in self-realization and personal development.

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Can there be too much sharing? (Masterclass Encore August 17th)

Wow, thank you to so many people who have written to ask for the link to the MasterClass Replays on ten barriers that derail, confuse, or make doing The Work meh instead of exciting….and how to dissolve them and go deeper.

It’s a full two-plus hours, which is not for everyone….but if you decided you’d like to listen in, even if you didn’t register to participate….I’m including the replay link at the end of this Grace Note.

Mostly because I can’t keep straight anymore who wanted the replay. I love you asked, so here it is. No opt-in necessary.

And because I seriously got so many requests, via facebook, email, and even two texts, I’m planning an encore. Yes, I’ll offer it one more time!

Wednesday, August 17th this very next week, at 2 pm Pacific.

To attend live, I will have you register, so those of you who really don’t want to hear about this masterclass again, won’t. If you want to sign up and join me, head over here. The advantage of being there live is I’ll read and answer all your questions out loud from the Q & A page, you’ll get to comment, share, and participate.

Which brings me to an interesting stressful thought around sharing, doing, creating, announcing, offering, promoting, and connecting to others in this world.

I need to NOT share too much.

talkstoomuch
Is it them, or you, who is sharing too much? Even if it’s not Out Loud, you might be yakking away with your judgments, instead of sharing the truth

Have you ever had this thought?

I’m not talking about the obvious arena for this stressful belief: running a small business, offering a service, needing to spread the word out in the community, also known as marketing.

I’ve had this thought when it comes to participating in a group discussion or conversation, at parties, in family gatherings!

I’ve had this belief about other people too….they’re sharing too much, they’re blabbing on and on, they take over the floor too often, they should put a lid on it!

Well….the way we can get the most juicy, deep clarity from this stressful observation that it’s possible to share too much, is to find a situation when someone did.

Do you know someone who shares, talks, speaks, tells too much?

I instantly had someone come to mind.

Man, what a motor mouth.

I picture myself sitting with him at a coffee house. He’s smiling and talking and keeps on saying “you know?” with his thick New York accent and keeps on going.

I can’t get a word in edgewise.

Does he even care about one single thing I might share or think?

Does he notice how he’s dominating the entire two hours we’ve had together? Jeezus, take a breath!

(Gosh. I also have two other people, entirely different people, who I also had the very exact same thoughts about. Hmmm. What’s the common denominator. Oh. That would be me. Um….Let’s keep going.)

He’s sharing too much.

Is it true?

Yes, oh lordy, yes. Why didn’t I say I had an appointment right after? I need to get outta here!

But can I absolutely know it’s true he’s sharing too much? Can I know it’s HIM who is the culprit? Can I know it’s too much, for me? For this moment? For him?

No.

I see I’m not saying anything. I’m not speaking up. He thinks I’m happy with the speed and quantity of this sharing. How would he know otherwise? I’m even smiling. I look engaged.

How do I react when I think he’s sharing too much?

I think about escaping, and doing it “politely” is the only alternative. All the blame is over there, on him. I miss the awareness that I am saying nothing, so there’s a vacuum. I miss my own fear of speaking up, of telling the truth, of participating fully and connecting with this friend genuinely.

I create a wall of separation.

I keep friends who don’t over-share, and I ditch the ones who do.

Oh dear. Embarrassing.

So who would I be without the belief he’s sharing too much, or that it’s even possible to over-share?

I push the “pause” button on this scene and hold still, without hearing the sound, without feeling the escape-urges.

Without the belief he’s over-sharing, I see someone eager and happy. I see joy and excitement. I feel the trust he has in me as a listener. I feel open, relaxed.

I also notice I can speak, myself. I can say “hold on there brother, you’re moving awfully fast, and I’d love to make a comment” if I actually want to.

I can even ask if he’s nervous.

Without the belief that it’s possible to share too much, or make a mistake around sharing, talking, announcing….

….then I notice I’m a fantastic listener. I’m hearing sound, words, expression all coming into my space and I’m delighted. I can also call it quits any time, without stress.

I turn the thought around:

He’s sharing just right, not too much. I’m sharing too much with all my inner commentary about sharing, and wanting to escape.

Can I find an example of how him sharing is lovely, a service, or easy (instead of intolerable or annoying or too much)?

Yes. He’s telling me about his life, his ideas, his inner world, his heart. He’s connecting with me. We’re joining through communication. How about I actually participate, and speak what’s true for me? What if I bring what’s true for me to this table, instead of hiding and believing I can’t?

What if every motor mouth I ever met is someone reaching out to connect, and I can reach back, with love? I might even make a suggestion we sit with each other in silence, if it feels right.

How could it be wonderful, that they share as they’re inspired? I notice it doesn’t harm anyone, and certainly doesn’t harm me.

I see the turnaround to myself, taking this friend and any talkative, sharing person out of it, is I share too much with ME. I’m constantly talking on the inside of my head about needing escape. I’ve been very noisy with myself on what I’m doing wrong, how I need to fix myself, and the need for improvement and change, or how I can’t sit still and listen to another human speak.

Maybe these people are matching the motor-mind I’ve had on the inside.

Drop the “maybe”.

Register for Wednesday’s Masterclass here.

Get the replay link for the recorded masterclass from August 9th here.

“My friends are always right. And I get to realize it or suffer….Until you love them unconditionally, your work’s not done.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

 

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The greatest gift: a way to see beyond illusion (join Year of Inquiry)

Barrier #1 in the recent masterclass presentation I gave, on where we get snagged when doing The Work of Byron Katie, is maybe the biggest, most widespread, most fog-inducing, discouraging barrier of them all.

The short version is, it’s the I-Hate-Myself barrier.

When you feel at war with reality, but mostly, with the reality of YOU.

Here’s a Peace Talk about it I made for you.

In the end, all roads through The Work lead back to this “self” we’re imagining ourselves to be in the presence of others, in the presence of God/Reality/Source/Life….
….and finding we are not who we thought.peacetalkcover

Who are you, without your thoughts about you?

(Can you hear the silence and not-knowing-how-to-answer this question?)

Now, here’s the strange thing about this very deep and cosmic question:

I would have never come to wondering who I was without thoughts about even myself, were it not for doing The Work on many other things and people and circumstances and situations besides myself.

Doing The Work on others was the key.

As I’ve been kind of repeating lately, excited about what Byron Katie invites us to….do The Work on Mother, Father, Sister, Brother!

Doing The Work on everything else under the sun, and going way back-back-back….

….is the way forward.

In the upcoming Year of Inquiry (some incredible people are signing up OMG I’m so excited) we have a topic every single month, for ten months….

….with a free-for-all Summer Camp session in the summer of daily inquiry on anything, for everyone.

I mention this because people have been asking me how I came up with topics for Year of Inquiry, and why do we do The Work on others anyway?

So many people hear about The Work and get this sense of freedom, and immediately think “I’ll apply it to ME, I’ll finally change, I’ll improve myself and stop being so full of complaints.”

But it doesn’t work so well, oddly enough, to do The Work on yourself.

It’s so much easier and more profound, and so much more clearly and paradoxically ON YOURSELF when you do The Work on other people, places, topics and things. You can see these other things easily, with lazer sharp clarity and precision.

So in Year of Inquiry, we start with what annoys you in any way whatsoever. Anything. You name it. You call it.

The first month, we start with what you notice is disturbing, and it doesn’t even matter what it is.

After kicking it off with just where we are, we move into FOO.

Family of Origin.

And from there, many other common topics all of which create fear, worry, irritation, and sadness.

We look at our Complaints, Hurt-Anger-Fear, Money, Body, Love, Goals & Desires, The Worst That Could Happen, and Loss.

How did I come up with these topics?

I listened to all the clients, groups and retreats (and my own worksheets) filled with people who have come to inquire over the years. The same themes come up over and over.

So we start at the very beginning (I always hear Maria in the Sound of Music singing when I say this) followed by looking at FOO, as I already mentioned….and then we continue by noticing what we complain about, daily, weekly, yearly, or every time we run into that person? What’s going on when we complain?

As we move through complaints, we become more comfortable with feeling our stress, and seeing the feelings as useful pointers to our thinking. What happens when we feel hurt, angry, or afraid? What brings these emotions out in our lives?

What about money? What’s enough? Who has it, and why, or why not? What makes it so scary, or disappointing? Where did I get the money I use–is it OK with me? Do I like to receive? Do I like to work? What is money, to me?

And of course, the body is an area filled with stressful concern. We look at the Body in our sixth month. What do I dislike about this body I seem to live in? Whose body is it? What happens when it gets injured, or feels pain? What about other peoples’ bodies?

Then there’s love….oh my…love. (Huge topic of stressful thinking). Who have I loved, been attracted to, bonded with, slept with, broken up with?

In the seventh month in Year of Inquiry, we explore Goals and Desires, because these are so expected, wanted, planned for so many of us. How can we have a goal, and love what is, at the same time? We get to take a look at what we’re thinking and believing that’s painful when it comes to having dreams for the future, and working towards something.

Finally, we spend basically the last two months before Summer Camp diving deeply into a powerful and troubling topic: The Worst That Could Happen. We’re basically looking at our terrible fears. We’re asking, when it comes to any situation we encounter that feels uncomfortable, no matter how “light”….what we’re most afraid of, in our situation?

All of these are huge, wide-open areas of human suffering, and as a human (for those of you who are humans reading this) then you’ve probably experienced concern in any of these common areas of discord, worry or fear.

Something’s going wrong.

I shouldn’t have to experience this.

Strangely….only by combing through what appears as a concern outside of me, in all these areas, have I ever been able to actually stop all those self-critical nasty thoughts about myself, and let go of agonizing about what is.

Practicing The Work unravels stressful thinking. It unravels suffering.

Who would we be without our stories? About others, and most importantly about ourselves?

What I have found, is we would be pure love, and peace, and freedom.

If you want to do The Work in a dedicated, committed group of inquirers for an entire year, then join me in this gift of inquiry.

Early Bird sign up lasts until August 19th, so you’ve got time to think about it (there is no urgency and no emergency) and after that it’s still a very inexpensive way to get and stay connected to dedicated time for self-inquiry through every season of an entire year.

Everyone in Year of Inquiry has sixty days to fully participate in the experience before making a final decision—there’s only a fee of $100 for the first month, or another $100 for the second month of the program, if you choose to withdraw….even if you didn’t decide to withdraw until Halloween you’d only pay $200.

I do this on purpose because I want only people to continue through the year who deeply know they like the process of inquiry, not just the idea of inquiry.

Everyone gets two whole months to sample and sink into the experience of this meditative work by participating in all the telesessions, our first two monthly webinars (September and October), and partnering if they choose with other members of YOI.

After two months of seeing what it’s like, most people get the sense of what doing The Work regularly, every week, may do for their inner world and their lives. If it’s not for them now, it’s OK.

What I know is….when I came into The Work all I wanted to do was question thoughts about myself and what I had done wrong (I’ll tell you more about my first true inquiry session in the next Grace Note).

Then I followed the simple invitation from Byron Katie and the steps of The Work to identify judgments I had about other people, the world, money, bodies, being alive, love, and what I thought of as reality.

Looking at all of these, I truly did The Work on myself.

Freedom didn’t happen in an instant. It unfolds daily, with every time I ask “is it true?”

This Work gives the mind something it loves to do: rest.

To not rely so heavily on “figuring” everything out. But instead, to wonder what it’s like without thinking.

How fun is that?

“To have a way to see beyond illusion is the greatest gift.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

To read about Year of Inquiry, which begins in September, head over to here.

Much love,

Grace

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Chronic People Pleasing (+ new Autumn Retreat dates)

Autumn Retreat Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 (new dates). We begin Thursday morning. Four days of The Work, with special invitation, as Byron Katie herself encourages us over and over again….to go back to FOO (Family of Origin).
Come do The Work on who bugs you, what you’ve learned that feels difficult or painful, what consciously (or unconsciously) drives you to compulsive behavior (if that’s your thing, like it was my thing) and how to look at old underlying beliefs formed long ago….
….even when you can’t remember the situations vividly, or who all was involved, or what happened next.
peoplepleaser
Did your people-pleaser efforts start when you were very young? You don’t have to die with them….it’s called The Work!
….”Do The Work for breakfast. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.”
Have you ever felt like it’s hard to remember the past, though?  Or difficult to access the feelings of trouble and upset from way back?
You know you experienced hard times, confusing times….
….but part of you is so glad it’s over, maybe decades ago, you’d rather NOT go back there again, ever.
Or maybe if you’re like me, there are many murky but non-traumatic memories where the impact was not terrorizing—I had a pretty great childhood overall to be honest—so you’re not sure how to identify the thoughts running at the time.
Well, there’s good news.
What I’ve seen, after doing The Work for awhile with myself and others, and circling back to those old and possibly difficult memories, is a huge amount of peace and awareness can be discovered, even from ONE SINGLE childhood situation or very old experience that hurt.
All you need is one situation to start with.
And if you’re having a hard time knowing where to begin, here’s one exercise that may jog your memory or help you recall situations that feel like ancient history.
You’ll be “mining” for disturbing situations, like you’re going into the center of a tall dark mountain looking for precious gems.
Get out your journal or writing device.
Pick only one age-range, I recommend a maximum of 5 years.
So for example, you might say age 5-10. Or age 12-17.
You can even pick only one year, if you feel a heaviness or overwhelm about scanning much of your childhood. Just “listen” to your heart and mind for the time period to return to.
Or, ask someone you know to pick a number between 4 and 18.
Now you’ve got your age number, and your mission is to review that time in your life.
Set the timer for 15 minutes, and write everything you remember from that time period in short, bullet-point situations, with the emphasis on what felt uncomfortable, confusing, or hard.
Now, let me just say here. This can cause a little resistance sometimes.
It appears we’re actually trying to cough up the hard experiences from deep down under in the past.
You might think….really?
No one has to do this, but I’m here to say….it’s worth it.
The other day, in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway with daily inquiry right now with all the Summer Campers….
….someone who watched and listened to the recent masterclass on barriers to “getting” The Work had a little lightbulb go off on how much her father’s criticism seemed to align with her own criticism of herself.
Instead of doing The Work on herself (which hadn’t worked so well for insight so far) she decided to go back to when she was ten years old and remember being in the presence of her dad.
She read her worksheet aloud to us, and then did The Work on the belief “I can’t please him”.
What struck me was the way everything she thought her father was thinking about her, how difficult he seemed to please, and how impossible…..
…..was exactly the same way she viewed that moment, and herself, and him. Her ten year old moment was full of arguing with reality. Her dad should be different. And so should she. Pleasing anyone was impossible. He’s not pleased. She’s not pleasing. She’s not pleased. He’s not pleasing.
What a profound thought to unravel and un-do and question.
Who would we be without our ten-year-old belief “I can’t please my dad” or “I can’t please my mom”?
I sat with this, and again right now, feeling and wondering who I would be, holding very still as I remember myself feeling “ten”.
Sitting with who I would be without this belief about pleasing my parents, I become aware of a feeling of being alive.
That’s it.
Nothing more, except aliveness, a life force in a body called “ten-year-old-child” without stressful beliefs about who is or is not pleased, and that nothing is required to improve or fix the situation.
I notice I remained safe (unharmed physically), I continued to grow, I was breathing, I carried on with school, and life unfolded with sometimes adults being pleased, and sometimes not….and sometimes me being pleased and sometimes not.
What if pleasing happens, or doesn’t happen, and it’s not personal?
Turning the thought around:
  1. I can’t please myself (especially in the presence of the person who I’m worrying about pleasing). Yes, with all the hand-wringing and efforting to please….whether mom, dad, teacher, or God….I lose my center entirely and become one big gigantic unpleased person.
  2. my dad/mom can’t please me (yeah, not when they’re acting THAT way). They needa get happy, ASAP. I won’t be pleased until I see them snap out of it, smile, or feel content.
  3. I CAN please my dad. Oh. True. When I did, when I do.
So much insecurity created, since pleasure seems to come and go!
“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.
It is in the absolute surrender of all conditions and requirements that Liberation is discovered to be who and what you are.” ~ Adyashsanti
Wow.
Free from asking anyone else, ever, to be pleased? Or for life to make me pleased only under pleasing conditions? No requirements, no conditions? No wish that others stop being critical, no wish that others be pleasing?
No desire to change even…..myself?
How very odd.
And yet….pleasing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’d love to come take a dive into The Work for four days, join me and other amazing people (including Year of Inquiry participants) for the autumn retreat October 13-16, 2016. Read about it right here. If you’re signing up for this new amazing year of inquiry full program….it’s included. Read all about Year of Inquiry here.
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Changing the date of autumn retreat…and it’s BAD to make changes, right?!

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feeling stress about change of plans? question your stressful thinking!

Strange.

I learned yesterday by making it through all the unopened mail that came while I was traveling last week that the weekend move-in date for my daughter’s freshman year at college….

….the weekend she moves into her dorm for the first time….

….is the very same weekend I had scheduled for my annual fall retreat, the very same retreat Year of Inquiry participants kick off the year together, the retreat for anyone to attend who wants to spend an evening plus 3 days sinking into The Work of Byron Katie (always powerful, always amazing people).

I really want to be there for my daughter’s dorm move-in weekend. It may not be anything like what I picture, but I keep thinking I don’t want to miss it.

Have you ever realized the plans you’ve set in place may need to get cancelled, and it feels a little agonizing?

(This is unlike plans that get cancelled against all odds and your best efforts to prevent them from being changed (see last week’s Grace Note titled “It Went Wrong!”)

This kind of change still isn’t comfortable.

The first dates are already printed on fliers, and posted on the internet. I’ve been telling people those dates for months!

People have already signed up!

Jeez.

The mind starts weighing and battling.

Maybe my daughter won’t care that much anyway, she surprises me with her independence all the time. I’ll disappoint the people who have already made plans to attend if I switch. What if I reschedule and the new dates conflict with something else?  But I want to see her move in. This is a right of passage. But I should go with what is best for the most people (not myself).

Hand-wringing, hand-wringing.

What to do?

Well, the first thing I know to do, is The Work.

I need to know what to do. I need to avoid disappointing people, being unpredictable, switching things (it’s bad form).

(Note: There’s that “I can’t disappoint anyone” thought again).

Is it true, I need to make a decision right now? Is it true there’s a “right” decision on this? Is it true I could screw something up by changing the dates?

No. I really don’t know. It unfolded this way, and it may mean I make a switch.

I do not know that switching dates is bad, or disappointing, in the big picture. Or even the small picture.

How do I react when I believe moving the fall retreat could disappoint, or be a mistake?

Anxious. Feeling inadequate.

Thinking things like “You should have checked on this…surely you could have found out when move-in weekend was? Why didn’t you think of this?! You’re such a flake.”

And yes, you wouldn’t believe what else went through this mind, when I’m believing the thought it’s bad, annoying, disappointing, flakey, or unorganized to change the dates:

I should quit offering retreats.

Yep. Actually came through this mind.

Just last week, I was facilitating a woman on an incident with her partner. It was fairly minor. He napped too much during the day, and stayed up too late.

There was a moment during her inquiry, as she was answering how she reacts when she believes her partner has these bad sleep patterns, where she realized she thought about telling him it was all over and he should move out.

Funny how the mind will go to breaking up, ending it all, divorcing, throwing in the towel, quitting the job, stopping the career, shutting it down….

….all in reaction to a fairly non-threatening stressful thought.

So who would you be without the belief that switching dates would cause distress, disappointment, or disturbance? Who would you be without the belief it’s flakey to change the dates, and confusing?

So much calmer.

A sense of peace comes through, aware that nothing must be done urgently or immediately. It’s not necessary to QUICK OMG update the website! Find everywhere it’s been printed or posted and make new dates ASAP!

No hurrying. Simply watching, noticing.

Sometimes, things need to be rescheduled. Even if it’s a hassle, or requires extra work, or results in some people having to change their plans.

It’s the way of it.

I turn the story around: I do NOT need to know what to do.  

This seems truer, because I don’t. I couldn’t have known about the dates any earlier than I did. I knew when I knew. For some reason, the dates of the fall retreat have been set for awhile for mid-September, and now they may change to the end of October. Who knows, maybe more people will come rather than less? This could easily be just as true.

I do not need to avoid disappointing people. I need to avoid disappointing myself. 

I have no idea if I really am disappointing anyone right now. I’ve sent one email. I haven’t talked with my daughter yet, since she’s out of town on a special leadership youth training trip (I’ll get to pick her up from the airport tonight). I see I’m actually mostly disappointing myself. I’m the only disappointed person in this exact moment….and it would be kinder to “avoid” this disappointment with myself.

It’s OK being unpredictable, or switching things (it’s not bad form). 

Wow, how could it be a good thing, to wind up changing dates and times and rescheduling things?

What are some examples? Well, the first obvious one is that I get to drive my kid to college and move her in, a pretty exciting event, a huge right of passage for us both. Second, there’s more time to prepare for the retreat, maybe find a new and even more wonderful venue. Third, I get to feel once again how OK it is to be flexible, to move with changes, and to honor my own preferences (be with daughter).

There may be more benefits I don’t even know about yet.

“Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” ~ Zhuangzi, zen master

“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Tomorrow will be the second time I’m offering the new masterclass: Ten Barriers to Self-Inquiry To Doing The Work for Deep Transformational Change….and How To Dissolve Them. Sign up here. Tuesday, Sept 9 at 8:30-10:30 am Pacific Time. I’d love you to join me.

I received this fabulous note from someone who attended:

Dear Grace,

I was connected yesterday on your Ten Barrier’s Masterclass. And it was awesome, really. I saw I will take over this ten barriers and schedule The Work to be a real part of my day because I know I will be the first student to sign for your next 2017 Year Of Inquiry!! For now I’ll do a call to the Help Line every week and make this year’s Work for free because now I am very upset with this money thing. I have to thank you very much for your work, and share and compassion. It is real compassion the way you share with everyone your thoughts and discoveries and truth. I am really grateful.

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Where is Home Sweet Home?

Question Three in The Work of Byron Katie is: How do you react when you think that thought?

I often laugh and say “I ate”.

I don’t usually share my Eating Peace videos with anyone but the dear people who seek peace with food, eating, hunger, fullness, or body image.

But this one, after it came out, I thought….is really all about finding peace from compulsion.

Compulsive thinking, pushing, pulling, forcing, trying, reaching

Everyone who is human has done it….it might be with food or substances like I did, but maybe also with relationships, tasks, goals

It feels so good to find peace from the urge to get control–even though control can feel temporarily right and good (and is sometimes a huge relief)

Peace from the fear of Not Knowing what to do (or eat)

Who would you be without the belief you need someone to tell you what to do because you’re out of control or flailing about in panic?

You might still research good steps to take, or ask for advice or help, but you wouldn’t feel like it was an emergency.

I’m sharing a story here today that I find hilarious now, although at the time I was having a total hissy fit of despair and panic.

This story appears to be about finding an answer to my eating issues and food problems….

….but it was really a story about finding freedom from my deeply disturbed thinking.

Eating off-balance and in a crazy way was only a symptom of my fears and anxieties. It really wasn’t about the food.

Much love,
Grace
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Slow Down Caterpillar

caterpillar
slowing down is good

If anyone wants to jump on board for First Friday inquiry 75 minutes–we’re doing The Work at 7:45 am Pacific Time. Open to anyone, and you can share, be in the hot seat, or just listen.

If you want to listen-only, click WebCast (with WebCall we can hear you). Or, you’ll see how to dial in simply using your phone.

  Let’s Do The Work (Meetup)

I had an interesting learning experience yesterday.

I was offering the masterclass I’ve been talking about, right?

Lots of time spent collecting feedback, pouring over where people bump up into thoughts about not “getting” self-inquiry, creating the presentation with slides, figuring out what to include.

Well, basically, there was enough material to cover a weekend, not a 2 hour online masterclass.

Next Tuesday will be different. I’m cutting out some, and giving more of the most important message of all.

Slow Down.

In all these objections to understanding and awareness, whether it’s doing The Work or feeling confused about life, or being self-critical, angry, frightened or lost….

….the common denominator to peace is slowing down.

Relaxing.

Imagining a way to be that doesn’t require you to achieve or accomplish anything.

Nothing to fight with. No “issues” to fix or figure out. No relationships to resolve.

Slowing down, for me, means to slow down the things that are over-exerted, or running on over-drive, like the mind, or actions I take because I think “OMG! I have to do that or else catastrophe!”

Slowing down is wondering what it’s like to be without that thought?

Who would you be, without your thinking?

Today, I woke up and moments later was already having ideas about how to change up the next masterclass so it’s better, and people leave with a sense of peace rather than a mind full of information and noise.

But instead of diving in to work on it immediately, I took a moment to meditate in silence. And now writing this, and then I’ll be in a few minutes simply doing The Work with folks who show up for First Friday meetup.

Just doing The Work and slowing down.

Who would we be without our stressful story of anything being required for peace that isn’t already here?

“It’s only when caterpillarness is done that one becomes a butterfly. That again is part of this paradox. You cannot rip away caterpillarness. The whole trip occurs in an unfolding process of which we have no control.” ~ Ram Dass

Much love,

Grace

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It went wrong!

computercrash
This shouldn’t be happening! Who would you be without this thought?

I’ve gotten a couple of questions about the masterclasses offered tomorrow as well as next week on Tuesday, especially about what kind of technology you need or how you access it. Basically, it’s like watching a TV program or a video on your computer, only I’ll be offering a slide presentation and talking, live.

When you click the link to your masterclass you’ve chosen to attend, you’ll be on your computer of course, and a new browser window will open and you’ll be connected. It’s best, I am told, if you have chrome or firefox as your browser programs on your computer.

No one will speak out loud or be identified–you can’t see who else is watching (same as a TV program). If you choose, you’ll be able to participate via chat Q & A and I’ll read your words, maybe even out loud, but I won’t identify anyone. This will be a time for you to go deeper into your own work and hopefully discover some new crack in your story that’s causing suffering. People new to The Work as well as long-time inquirers will all be participating.

There’s limited room, but you can still register here. This way you’ll receive the links to join, either Thursday (tomorrow) August 4th at 5:30 Pacific Time, or Tuesday August 9th at 8:30 am. I’d set aside 2 hours. This will be a little mini retreat for you with exercises to complete during our time together.

Phew.

There’s a lot that goes into organizing these things, and questions people have when something’s new and unfamiliar.

Sometimes, the what-how-which-when stuff….

….can drive me absolutely nuts.

Details.

Can’t the thing just work?

OK, so the people in Summer Camp already all know this (you guys are wonderfully patient, thank you–everyone was awesome).

A thing happened on Monday.

I’m traveling in Illinois and Indiana right now, and in the past several years, I’ve done a ton of on-the-road telecalls, from other countries, airports, hotel rooms, friends’ houses.

I know what’s needed: My laptop, headphones, good internet connection, and a somewhat quiet location.

I know how to find and arrange these things.

Well, so I thought.

I had arranged to arrive in Chicago and be let into a room with internet about 90 minutes before my daily Summer Camp for The Mind Inquiry call.

Except, the person who was supposed to let me in (I didn’t know them before) sent me a text she was in New York. And a friend would open the room instead.

OK. But no friend.

So 30 minutes beforehand, I realize I better go find a Starbucks (they always have good internet and my devices already recognize it). I get all set up in a Starbucks after googling the nearest one, but then can’t connect.

I ask the server.

“Oh, it’s not working right now.”

I immediately pack up my things, text my husband who has dropped me off (and is a super kind helper) and we go to the Chicago public library, a block away, because they have free internet.

Only all the meeting rooms are booked.

So we quick go to a Subway (free internet sign in the window, if you buy something). The clock is ticking. I have ten minutes now until the telecall starts.

We get all set up again, laptop plugged in, headphones plugged in. I keep getting a weird message to join the Business program of some kind. What business program?

Employees come over and peer at my screen. They never heard of this pop up message before.

Then a woman starts yelling in anger from the open bathroom door around the corner and keeps repeating “I’m 56 years old!” like she’s very offended, and there’s some kind of scuffling I can’t see and one of the employees runs out the front door of the subway wearing her green apron shouting for help.

I drop everything and leave with my cell phone into the street, following the frightened Subway employee (my husband nods Go-Go and stays to deal with collecting the computer equipment) and I dial-in to my own teleconference call–I know the number by heart–thinking we’ll do our inquiry together that way.

Only I can’t tell if anyone can hear me, and apparently they can, but no one can get themselves off mute.

Meanwhile, my husband has crossed the street, I rush behind him and we get set up in yet another coffee shop with free wifi called Dollop. Yay! We’re connected!

I email everyone to come on back, if they’ve left the call, because we’re on.

And all anyone can hear, when I speak, is the loud grunge music coming out of the ceiling speakers.

Fine. 

I cancel the call. Or should I say….the call is canceled, by forces beyond my or anyone’s control at that moment in time.

Everyone has moments like this—when you push through to the next, the next, the next thing and the intended outcome STILL does not occur.

A harping voice arises….”You should have come to Chicago a day earlier, you should have been more deliberate in your organization, you should have, you could have, you didn’t, you screwed up, you disappointed, this two-block location was a devil’s triangle, the universe had other plans and they weren’t good!”

Have you ever gone over the way something unfolded multiple times? (There are so many more threatening kinds of moments, life-changing ones, than this one–that’s for sure).

The thing about that stressed-out voice that becomes critical, is there is a Mean One and a Victim born in the moment you begin speaking that way.

Mean One rages on about how you shouldn’t have done it like that and you could have prevented that thing from going that way….

….and Victim feels awful, like a loser, sad, small, stupid.

One of the best things in the entire world for addressing this kind of internal battle of thinking you’re doing it wrong, or you’ve been done-wrong-to by your own self (or the universe)?

The Work.

Because you STOP having a dueling-banjo conversation inside, and instead you actually sit with the broad and expansive four questions.

It shouldn’t have gone that way. I could have prevented it.

Is that true?

Are you sure it shouldn’t have gone the way it did? Are you positive you could have prevented it?

No.

How do you react when you believe it shouldn’t go the way it’s going, gone the way it’s gone, and you could have done something to change it?

Filled with voices shouting, all of which oppose each other and ruminate on outcomes endlessly.

Who would you be without this story that something (in my case, the teleconference inquiry Summer Camp call) shouldn’t have gone the way it did?

Noticing there isn’t a single thing I could have orchestrated differently, even though now I’ve learned something new and I’ll probably never do it again the same way.

Who would you really, really be, in this moment now, without the belief that something shouldn’t have gone the way it did? Something painful? Something hard? Something unintended? Something disappointing?

Wow.

I immediately see the bouquet of stunning green-petaled flowers on a low wooden table nearby. I feel the quiet air of the room, and hear the air conditioner.

Now back in that scene, as I picture how it unrolled itself, without the belief it shouldn’t have gone that way?

I notice I just kept following the simple directions. Like playing a game of tennis, or volleyball, with life.

Street, cars, sounds, shops, tables, brown leather bag containing laptop, hands moving headphones in and out of plugs, looking at human faces to ask questions, hearing answers, moving to the next thing.

No one got hurt.

Trusting Reality. Maybe there were very good reasons, and I don’t even need to know them all quite yet, why that telecall should NOT have happened.

Including helping me do the best I can, and still fail, and let go of the outcome going my way.

Sometimes, these turnaround examples can be tricky, when you have something happen and you really don’t get how it could possibly be true or truer that it SHOULD have gone the way it did.

But if you don’t force or push or grind at these turnarounds, only try them on like a pair of shoes, and see if anything appears for you that makes sense….you may become very surprised.

Turnaround: It should have gone the way it did, and you could NOT have prevented it from doing so.

Right now, what I can come up with is….

1) it’s helped me get more clear on my plans when I’m away from home, and determine better how to secure a quiet spot for the work I do (better self-care). 2) I get to see that I’m not running everything (always good for the lightness of letting go. 3) I rescheduled this missed call for another Monday in August, so I’ll get to stay connected with this awesome group of inquirers for a longer period of time. 4) I’ll never forget this vortex two-block radius in Chicago of internet connection attempt and failure–it’s already making me laugh how absurd it was. 5) Coffee shops of any kind are no longer an option for telecourse facilitation, which narrows down the field and makes it far more simple.

Ooh, I like that last one. Yeah. I just saved myself a lot of time in the future potentially, googling coffee shops on maps and racing to them to connect, like in the Matrix when they have to find a ringing phone.

The new way is calmer. Avoid the public spaces, and get the meeting room completely squared away.

Follow the simple directions.

 

Much love,

Grace

P.S. While I could never guarantee technology-glitch freedom, I expect Thursday’s class (and Tuesday, too) to be great learning times together. Thanks for joining me.