Autumn Retreat Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 (new dates). We begin Thursday morning. Four days of The Work, with special invitation, as Byron Katie herself encourages us over and over again….to go back to FOO (Family of Origin).
Come do The Work on who bugs you, what you’ve learned that feels difficult or painful, what consciously (or unconsciously) drives you to compulsive behavior (if that’s your thing, like it was my thing) and how to look at old underlying beliefs formed long ago….
….even when you can’t remember the situations vividly, or who all was involved, or what happened next.
….”Do The Work for breakfast. Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.”
Have you ever felt like it’s hard to remember the past, though? Or difficult to access the feelings of trouble and upset from way back?
You know you experienced hard times, confusing times….
….but part of you is so glad it’s over, maybe decades ago, you’d rather NOT go back there again, ever.
Or maybe if you’re like me, there are many murky but non-traumatic memories where the impact was not terrorizing—I had a pretty great childhood overall to be honest—so you’re not sure how to identify the thoughts running at the time.
Well, there’s good news.
What I’ve seen, after doing The Work for awhile with myself and others, and circling back to those old and possibly difficult memories, is a huge amount of peace and awareness can be discovered, even from ONE SINGLE childhood situation or very old experience that hurt.
All you need is one situation to start with.
And if you’re having a hard time knowing where to begin, here’s one exercise that may jog your memory or help you recall situations that feel like ancient history.
You’ll be “mining” for disturbing situations, like you’re going into the center of a tall dark mountain looking for precious gems.
Get out your journal or writing device.
Pick only one age-range, I recommend a maximum of 5 years.
So for example, you might say age 5-10. Or age 12-17.
You can even pick only one year, if you feel a heaviness or overwhelm about scanning much of your childhood. Just “listen” to your heart and mind for the time period to return to.
Or, ask someone you know to pick a number between 4 and 18.
Now you’ve got your age number, and your mission is to review that time in your life.
Set the timer for 15 minutes, and write everything you remember from that time period in short, bullet-point situations, with the emphasis on what felt uncomfortable, confusing, or hard.
Now, let me just say here. This can cause a little resistance sometimes.
It appears we’re actually trying to cough up the hard experiences from deep down under in the past.
You might think….really?
No one has to do this, but I’m here to say….it’s worth it.
The other day, in Summer Camp for The Mind which is underway with daily inquiry right now with all the Summer Campers….
….someone who watched and listened to the recent masterclass on barriers to “getting” The Work had a little lightbulb go off on how much her father’s criticism seemed to align with her own criticism of herself.
Instead of doing The Work on herself (which hadn’t worked so well for insight so far) she decided to go back to when she was ten years old and remember being in the presence of her dad.
She read her worksheet aloud to us, and then did The Work on the belief “I can’t please him”.
What struck me was the way everything she thought her father was thinking about her, how difficult he seemed to please, and how impossible…..
…..was exactly the same way she viewed that moment, and herself, and him. Her ten year old moment was full of arguing with reality. Her dad should be different. And so should she. Pleasing anyone was impossible. He’s not pleased. She’s not pleasing. She’s not pleased. He’s not pleasing.
What a profound thought to unravel and un-do and question.
Who would we be without our ten-year-old belief “I can’t please my dad” or “I can’t please my mom”?
I sat with this, and again right now, feeling and wondering who I would be, holding very still as I remember myself feeling “ten”.
Sitting with who I would be without this belief about pleasing my parents, I become aware of a feeling of being alive.
That’s it.
Nothing more, except aliveness, a life force in a body called “ten-year-old-child” without stressful beliefs about who is or is not pleased, and that nothing is required to improve or fix the situation.
I notice I remained safe (unharmed physically), I continued to grow, I was breathing, I carried on with school, and life unfolded with sometimes adults being pleased, and sometimes not….and sometimes me being pleased and sometimes not.
What if pleasing happens, or doesn’t happen, and it’s not personal?
Turning the thought around:
- I can’t please myself (especially in the presence of the person who I’m worrying about pleasing). Yes, with all the hand-wringing and efforting to please….whether mom, dad, teacher, or God….I lose my center entirely and become one big gigantic unpleased person.
- my dad/mom can’t please me (yeah, not when they’re acting THAT way). They needa get happy, ASAP. I won’t be pleased until I see them snap out of it, smile, or feel content.
- I CAN please my dad. Oh. True. When I did, when I do.
So much insecurity created, since pleasure seems to come and go!
“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy.
It is in the absolute surrender of all conditions and requirements that Liberation is discovered to be who and what you are.” ~ Adyashsanti
Wow.
Free from asking anyone else, ever, to be pleased? Or for life to make me pleased only under pleasing conditions? No requirements, no conditions? No wish that others stop being critical, no wish that others be pleasing?
No desire to change even…..myself?
How very odd.
And yet….pleasing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you’d love to come take a dive into The Work for four days, join me and other amazing people (including Year of Inquiry participants) for the autumn retreat October 13-16, 2016. Read about it right here. If you’re signing up for this new amazing year of inquiry full program….it’s included. Read all about Year of Inquiry here.