Changing the date of autumn retreat…and it’s BAD to make changes, right?!

Strange.

I learned yesterday by making it through all the unopened mail that came while I was traveling last week that the weekend move-in date for my daughter’s freshman year at college….

….the weekend she moves into her dorm for the first time….

….is the very same weekend I had scheduled for my annual fall retreat, the very same retreat Year of Inquiry participants kick off the year together, the retreat for anyone to attend who wants to spend an evening plus 3 days sinking into The Work of Byron Katie (always powerful, always amazing people).

I really want to be there for my daughter’s dorm move-in weekend. It may not be anything like what I picture, but I keep thinking I don’t want to miss it.

Have you ever realized the plans you’ve set in place may need to get cancelled, and it feels a little agonizing?

(This is unlike plans that get cancelled against all odds and your best efforts to prevent them from being changed (see last week’s Grace Note titled “It Went Wrong!”)

This kind of change still isn’t comfortable.

The first dates are already printed on fliers, and posted on the internet. I’ve been telling people those dates for months!

People have already signed up!

Jeez.

The mind starts weighing and battling.

Maybe my daughter won’t care that much anyway, she surprises me with her independence all the time. I’ll disappoint the people who have already made plans to attend if I switch. What if I reschedule and the new dates conflict with something else?  But I want to see her move in. This is a right of passage. But I should go with what is best for the most people (not myself).

Hand-wringing, hand-wringing.

What to do?

Well, the first thing I know to do, is The Work.

I need to know what to do. I need to avoid disappointing people, being unpredictable, switching things (it’s bad form).

(Note: There’s that “I can’t disappoint anyone” thought again).

Is it true, I need to make a decision right now? Is it true there’s a “right” decision on this? Is it true I could screw something up by changing the dates?

No. I really don’t know. It unfolded this way, and it may mean I make a switch.

I do not know that switching dates is bad, or disappointing, in the big picture. Or even the small picture.

How do I react when I believe moving the fall retreat could disappoint, or be a mistake?

Anxious. Feeling inadequate.

Thinking things like “You should have checked on this…surely you could have found out when move-in weekend was? Why didn’t you think of this?! You’re such a flake.”

And yes, you wouldn’t believe what else went through this mind, when I’m believing the thought it’s bad, annoying, disappointing, flakey, or unorganized to change the dates:

I should quit offering retreats.

Yep. Actually came through this mind.

Just last week, I was facilitating a woman on an incident with her partner. It was fairly minor. He napped too much during the day, and stayed up too late.

There was a moment during her inquiry, as she was answering how she reacts when she believes her partner has these bad sleep patterns, where she realized she thought about telling him it was all over and he should move out.

Funny how the mind will go to breaking up, ending it all, divorcing, throwing in the towel, quitting the job, stopping the career, shutting it down….

….all in reaction to a fairly non-threatening stressful thought.

So who would you be without the belief that switching dates would cause distress, disappointment, or disturbance? Who would you be without the belief it’s flakey to change the dates, and confusing?

So much calmer.

A sense of peace comes through, aware that nothing must be done urgently or immediately. It’s not necessary to QUICK OMG update the website! Find everywhere it’s been printed or posted and make new dates ASAP!

No hurrying. Simply watching, noticing.

Sometimes, things need to be rescheduled. Even if it’s a hassle, or requires extra work, or results in some people having to change their plans.

It’s the way of it.

I turn the story around: I do NOT need to know what to do.  

This seems truer, because I don’t. I couldn’t have known about the dates any earlier than I did. I knew when I knew. For some reason, the dates of the fall retreat have been set for awhile for mid-September, and now they may change to the end of October. Who knows, maybe more people will come rather than less? This could easily be just as true.

I do not need to avoid disappointing people. I need to avoid disappointing myself. 

I have no idea if I really am disappointing anyone right now. I’ve sent one email. I haven’t talked with my daughter yet, since she’s out of town on a special leadership youth training trip (I’ll get to pick her up from the airport tonight). I see I’m actually mostly disappointing myself. I’m the only disappointed person in this exact moment….and it would be kinder to “avoid” this disappointment with myself.

It’s OK being unpredictable, or switching things (it’s not bad form). 

Wow, how could it be a good thing, to wind up changing dates and times and rescheduling things?

What are some examples? Well, the first obvious one is that I get to drive my kid to college and move her in, a pretty exciting event, a huge right of passage for us both. Second, there’s more time to prepare for the retreat, maybe find a new and even more wonderful venue. Third, I get to feel once again how OK it is to be flexible, to move with changes, and to honor my own preferences (be with daughter).

There may be more benefits I don’t even know about yet.

“Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” ~ Zhuangzi, zen master

“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Tomorrow will be the second time I’m offering the new masterclass: Ten Barriers to Self-Inquiry To Doing The Work for Deep Transformational Change….and How To Dissolve Them. Sign up here. Tuesday, Sept 9 at 8:30-10:30 am Pacific Time. I’d love you to join me.

I received this fabulous note from someone who attended: