Sitting with others, we find our freedom. Nothing more powerful than a group to change our world.

What a lovely group forming for the October Retreat 10/17-10/21. Will you join us here in Seattle? Plenty of room still so of course now I think we need more people. It’s only a thought. I have no idea if it’s true or not true. All I know is, I can’t wait to do The Work with those who come. It’s always a most beautiful and profound way to free yourself from fearful or difficult stories, to gather in person with others. Two rooms left onsite for those coming from away.

Living Turnarounds Deep Divers Meetup Group starts next month: Sunday October 14th 2-6pm at Goldilocks Cottage. There are six dates (scroll down for all the dates at bottom of the page). One is at East West Books on November 3rd which is a Saturday instead of a Sunday. For the East West one only register here.

Winter Retreat at Breitenbush! Wow! This one I will be facilitating with my husband Jon on Dec 6-9 for a post-and-pre holiday transformative 3-day retreat. We begin Thursday night. Join us is the peaceful forest. We made a little short video invite about it for you:

https://youtu.be/L1gQ8lYlZ18

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So what’s the big deal about leaving house and home, and work and daily life and family, kids, dog, spouse, routine….

….and spending several days in a completely different location, asking and answering four questions and doing The Work?

I remember once asking an enlightened meditation teacher “Where should I go to find peace–which monastery? What do you recommend? Please just tell me!”

I was surprised (and yet maybe not so much) to hear him reply: the key is to be on a meditation retreat in your everyday life. How about relaxing and getting quiet right now?

Oh. Right.

But.

Don’t I have to be where everything is very, very quiet and there are no distractions, needs, or tasks to handle or address?

Not really.

It’s not necessary, and this is what we’re learning in the end. The center of peace is here, now, in whatever’s going on around us.

But it can be an incredible, beautiful, supportive gift to give ourselves to go someplace and move away from all busyness and chaos. It’s amazing to put your physical body in another place, and step away.

We’re clearing our schedules, having room, board, comfort, supportive natural surroundings taken care of by others, so we can be together and do almost nothing but The Work.

There’s nothing like sitting in the four questions to really “get” some kind of light on a subject or situation.

I’ll never forget the woman who came all the way from Florida. Her marriage was rocky. She had been divorced once before and felt determined not to go through that again. She noticed her mind full of critical and annoyed thoughts about her husband.

So she flew from the farthest point in the country to the opposite corner of the country.

Her first worksheet was on him, of course.

That was the story that was most up, that drew her into this important investigation. She didn’t hold back from writing down her thoughts about him: childish, mean, furious, petty, unforgiving. He was too close to his ex-wife. He didn’t work hard enough. She felt discontent.

All of it came out on her worksheet. Other people also in the group wrote that very first night….the liberation of writing exactly what you’re thinking, without editing. The people in question aren’t there–we’re looking at our stories about them.

One thing I adore about The Work is that in this first step, there’s no holding back, you can throw up on the page if you want (that sounds a little gross, but you know what I mean, right?). You can let every ugly, nasty, festering thing you’ve ever thought about that person out, on paper.

Then, this woman got to start her inquiry. She was not going to leave without getting what she came for: sorting her current thoughts about her marriage out. She raised her hand to be the first one to “go” in the circle.

I asked the questions, and she answered them honestly, with passion, with closed eyes.

She also spoke with passion, expressed herself intensely, felt the feelings involved with having the thought, showed us the way it looks to really sink into acting out this belief.

I love how we all get to do our own work, and we’re inspired by others at the same time.

“He doesn’t listen to me”, “he doesn’t cherish me”, “he’s too distracted”, “he’s the wrong partner”.

Have you ever had thoughts like these? They don’t have to be about partners, they can be about other family members, co-workers, bosses, neighbors, friends.

That person is the wrong person. He/She should be someone else, acting another different way.

Is it true?

The woman who had come to retreat across the country said “yes” immediately. But then a pause; could she absolutely know this was true, that he was the wrong partner for her?

No.

Right now, she found her statement he should be different was not true, and impossible, and an unreal dream.

How do you react when you think the person in question is the wrong one? Wrong boyfriend? Wrong girlfriend? Wrong wife, companion, friend, husband, co-worker, neighbor?

The inquirer answering the questions replied: I want a divorce. I hate him. That’s how I react. I’m angry!

Who would you be without this thought, in that same situation, I asked?

Everyone was listening in the circle. You could hear a pin drop. Everyone was wondering how to answer this remarkable question, using imagination to try on the internal feeling of NOT believing a thought, and still being in the presence of someone who hadn’t changed.

This can only be done by sitting and wondering. You have to give it time.

It’s rare that suddenly, the moment the fourth question is asked, that we find an answer (although it can happen).

In fact, the ego, or the personal inner identity, will want to forget that question sometimes, or skip ahead to turnarounds, or just drop it altogether and go do something else. Watch TV, eat something, drink, smoke, internet, work (my personal favorite).

But on retreat, we don’t auto-pilot over to those other alternatives. We’re staying. We’re there, after all. We came to look at our minds. We came to question them. So we do.

Even if we’re squirming, or confused.

Finally, this lovely inquirer from Florida said “Without the thought that he’s the wrong husband, I’d find what he was doing endearing–kind of like when we first got together. We do like to laugh.”

By Day 3 she called her estranged husband who she had left behind in a huff. She reported to us all having one of the closest conversations with him in a long time. A truth telling, sharing conversation.

And then the turnarounds, one at a time, finding examples of the opposites: I’m not a good partner to myself, or to him. He IS a good partner for me.

We find examples, and notice how they feels. Other people help if we can’t find them, when we’re in an inquiry circle like a retreat.

We’re taking the time to give to ourselves the gift of awareness, presence.

Ahhhhhh.

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d love you to join me on retreat. My favorite thing is connecting with others–honest, open, silent, sharing, learning, asking, answering, wondering.

So grateful for The Work, and for you.

Much love,
Grace

My latest Peace Talk: the first time I did The Work (it made me sick)

sickdog
Listen to Peace Talk to hear my first time doing The Work, and feeling sick as a dog

Two people wrote to me yesterday and asked if they could get the masterclass replay Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Since I got asked twice, out it goes. Replay is now enabled.

To watch and listen to the MasterClass replay, click here. No opting-in. It’s yours, in service. This link will work until September 5th. This is the day before we start Year of Inquiry which I mention at the end of the masterclass–so it will be outdated after YOI begins.
So, if you want to look at it this weekend, or next long weekend in the United States, feel free.
Then it will go into review, revamp, update mode, or potentially be built into a longer series since there was just so much material to cover in two hours (yes, I know–two hours is a long time….so maybe listening to a part, then coming back later is the perfect way for you).

So speaking of those barriers (will she ever stop?) I was thinking about the Big Kahuna Number One Barrier again yesterday.

Which is doing The Work of Byron Katie on yourself. Not other people or things outside of you in your life. Just wanting to do it on YOU.
Now….here’s the funny thing.
I suddenly remembered that the very first time I did The Work ever in public was when Byron Katie came to my city and offered a weekend-long workshop. There were hundreds of people there.
And guess what I did The Work on?

Um. Yes. (After all this talk of not doing The Work on yourself).

Me.

That’s exactly who I filled out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on, even though we were invited to NOT fill it out on ourselves and instead consider someone else we might not have forgiven yet.

Me.

But here’s what I remember happened that amazing and horribly difficult weekend. I realized something profoundly important, even though I was “working” on myself.

That I might not be the awful monster I thought I was.

It was a huge beginning to an incredible journey of waking up out of a zombie trance of self-criticism.

So, can I really know it’s difficult or wrong, or even a barrier, to do The Work on oneself?

No.

If you’re one of the people who feels deeply compelled to question thoughts that bring you suffering about yourself, you might enjoy this latest Peace Talk Episode 120.

Even though I spoke on Peace Talk last time about doing The Work on yourself and what to do instead, or how to take it a bit deeper, in this episode I share what happened when I did The Work on myself, anyway.

During that first dreadful weekend workshop, I hardly spoke, I gave no one any eye contact, I never raised my hand (wouldn’t have dreamt of it), felt physically like death warmed over, hated what I wrote on that worksheet…..

…..but something shifted inside of me that was the beginning of the end of the pain…..

…..even though my worksheet appeared to be all about me. 

So even though I’ve gone on and on about Barrier #1 to deepening The Work being the way we want to do it on ourselves at first…..

…..there’s nowhere you can’t go with The Work and nothing that will prevent you from freedom, if you answer the questions.

(Peace Talk is also on IHeart Radio and Stitcher by the way, and it helps spread the word so much when you leave a review or subscribe).

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

This goes for ourselves, too. Thinking WE are supposed to do or be anything other than what we are is like saying something cray cray.

Investigate it.

Much love,

Grace

Changing the date of autumn retreat…and it’s BAD to make changes, right?!

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feeling stress about change of plans? question your stressful thinking!

Strange.

I learned yesterday by making it through all the unopened mail that came while I was traveling last week that the weekend move-in date for my daughter’s freshman year at college….

….the weekend she moves into her dorm for the first time….

….is the very same weekend I had scheduled for my annual fall retreat, the very same retreat Year of Inquiry participants kick off the year together, the retreat for anyone to attend who wants to spend an evening plus 3 days sinking into The Work of Byron Katie (always powerful, always amazing people).

I really want to be there for my daughter’s dorm move-in weekend. It may not be anything like what I picture, but I keep thinking I don’t want to miss it.

Have you ever realized the plans you’ve set in place may need to get cancelled, and it feels a little agonizing?

(This is unlike plans that get cancelled against all odds and your best efforts to prevent them from being changed (see last week’s Grace Note titled “It Went Wrong!”)

This kind of change still isn’t comfortable.

The first dates are already printed on fliers, and posted on the internet. I’ve been telling people those dates for months!

People have already signed up!

Jeez.

The mind starts weighing and battling.

Maybe my daughter won’t care that much anyway, she surprises me with her independence all the time. I’ll disappoint the people who have already made plans to attend if I switch. What if I reschedule and the new dates conflict with something else?  But I want to see her move in. This is a right of passage. But I should go with what is best for the most people (not myself).

Hand-wringing, hand-wringing.

What to do?

Well, the first thing I know to do, is The Work.

I need to know what to do. I need to avoid disappointing people, being unpredictable, switching things (it’s bad form).

(Note: There’s that “I can’t disappoint anyone” thought again).

Is it true, I need to make a decision right now? Is it true there’s a “right” decision on this? Is it true I could screw something up by changing the dates?

No. I really don’t know. It unfolded this way, and it may mean I make a switch.

I do not know that switching dates is bad, or disappointing, in the big picture. Or even the small picture.

How do I react when I believe moving the fall retreat could disappoint, or be a mistake?

Anxious. Feeling inadequate.

Thinking things like “You should have checked on this…surely you could have found out when move-in weekend was? Why didn’t you think of this?! You’re such a flake.”

And yes, you wouldn’t believe what else went through this mind, when I’m believing the thought it’s bad, annoying, disappointing, flakey, or unorganized to change the dates:

I should quit offering retreats.

Yep. Actually came through this mind.

Just last week, I was facilitating a woman on an incident with her partner. It was fairly minor. He napped too much during the day, and stayed up too late.

There was a moment during her inquiry, as she was answering how she reacts when she believes her partner has these bad sleep patterns, where she realized she thought about telling him it was all over and he should move out.

Funny how the mind will go to breaking up, ending it all, divorcing, throwing in the towel, quitting the job, stopping the career, shutting it down….

….all in reaction to a fairly non-threatening stressful thought.

So who would you be without the belief that switching dates would cause distress, disappointment, or disturbance? Who would you be without the belief it’s flakey to change the dates, and confusing?

So much calmer.

A sense of peace comes through, aware that nothing must be done urgently or immediately. It’s not necessary to QUICK OMG update the website! Find everywhere it’s been printed or posted and make new dates ASAP!

No hurrying. Simply watching, noticing.

Sometimes, things need to be rescheduled. Even if it’s a hassle, or requires extra work, or results in some people having to change their plans.

It’s the way of it.

I turn the story around: I do NOT need to know what to do.  

This seems truer, because I don’t. I couldn’t have known about the dates any earlier than I did. I knew when I knew. For some reason, the dates of the fall retreat have been set for awhile for mid-September, and now they may change to the end of October. Who knows, maybe more people will come rather than less? This could easily be just as true.

I do not need to avoid disappointing people. I need to avoid disappointing myself. 

I have no idea if I really am disappointing anyone right now. I’ve sent one email. I haven’t talked with my daughter yet, since she’s out of town on a special leadership youth training trip (I’ll get to pick her up from the airport tonight). I see I’m actually mostly disappointing myself. I’m the only disappointed person in this exact moment….and it would be kinder to “avoid” this disappointment with myself.

It’s OK being unpredictable, or switching things (it’s not bad form). 

Wow, how could it be a good thing, to wind up changing dates and times and rescheduling things?

What are some examples? Well, the first obvious one is that I get to drive my kid to college and move her in, a pretty exciting event, a huge right of passage for us both. Second, there’s more time to prepare for the retreat, maybe find a new and even more wonderful venue. Third, I get to feel once again how OK it is to be flexible, to move with changes, and to honor my own preferences (be with daughter).

There may be more benefits I don’t even know about yet.

“Flow with whatever may happen, and let your mind be free: Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.” ~ Zhuangzi, zen master

“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Tomorrow will be the second time I’m offering the new masterclass: Ten Barriers to Self-Inquiry To Doing The Work for Deep Transformational Change….and How To Dissolve Them. Sign up here. Tuesday, Sept 9 at 8:30-10:30 am Pacific Time. I’d love you to join me.

I received this fabulous note from someone who attended:

Dear Grace,

I was connected yesterday on your Ten Barrier’s Masterclass. And it was awesome, really. I saw I will take over this ten barriers and schedule The Work to be a real part of my day because I know I will be the first student to sign for your next 2017 Year Of Inquiry!! For now I’ll do a call to the Help Line every week and make this year’s Work for free because now I am very upset with this money thing. I have to thank you very much for your work, and share and compassion. It is real compassion the way you share with everyone your thoughts and discoveries and truth. I am really grateful.