Month: June 2013

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Needing Love

Every so often, I think of the movie Castaway starring Tom Hanks.

If you haven’t seen it, it’s about a man who is in a cargo plane crash (almost no people, just fed ex packages on board). He lands on a tiny tropical island awash with fed ex boxes and letters, but no people.

He lives there for four years before being rescued.

Can you imagine finding yourself on a tiny island, no inhabitants except you, yourself and I?

Many monks would do this on purpose in caves or in monasteries, spending time with only themselves, no one else. Just their own minds.

One of the deepest questions that appears to come forward in this aloneness, in feeling separate or empty or far away (like on an island) is lack of loving contact….whatever that looks like.

“I need love”.

It seems like it’s at the core of so many situations……as a very stressful belief.

The belief system all related to “I need love” looks like this:

Something happens, someone says something, someone gives you a look, someone makes a gesture…and there is a worry, a fear, a terror of being alone, being cut off, being bereft, falling, becoming nothing, feeling meaningless, being unworthy….

*my partner left me…I need his love
*she gave me an irritated look…I need her love
*my house burned down….I need other peoples’ love
*he said he hates my dress…I need him to like it
*she broke up with me…I need her attention
*my boss criticized my work…I need his appreciation
*my daughter is angry because I said no…I need her love
*my father raged at all the kids…we needed his approval
*my mother couldn’t stop criticizing…I needed her love
*I am suffering, sad, disappointed, angry, frightened…I need God’s love
*I have cancer….I need love
*I need more money…I need more self-love

I need his love, her love, their love, our love, your love, God’s love, and my own love!

When this feels absolutely true, that love in some form or another is missing, then yes, it’s sad. It’s terrible for some. Heart-breaking, desperate, clinging, awful.

And the mind just knows there is a solution: get love!

If only I was rescued from this desert island in the middle of the ocean, things would begin looking up!!!

If only I was filled with ecstasy, bliss and joy every second of every minute of every hour THEN I would be TRULY happy!

But I love questioning this thought that I need love, ever.

Is it true?

YES OH YES, OMG let me play the violin and sing the song, and tell you of my story.

I make fun of myself in all this….believe me, it’s not like I’m cured of thinking ever that I need love. Ha!

But can I absolutely know that I need it? Or that I have to do something about needing it? Or manage it or make plans or work out strategies to cope with needing it?

I know that the way I react when I believe the thought “I need love” in whatever tiny little way that shows up, is that I am careful. I don’t feel free. I worry. I freak out. I cry. I panic. I hunt for relief.

Who would I really be without that thought? Goodness, it’s almost hard to imagine.

At first, I wait. It’s an empty feeling without the thought “I need love”. It’s very quiet. Nothing really to do or say. Nowhere to go. Observing.

It can feel uncaring. Yet free. Liberating.

Who would you be, walking down the street today, without the thought that you need love?

It makes me break out in laughter! I start to notice things more freshly around me somehow, or not notice. It’s so open, so relaxed. It’s like the way teenagers say WHATEVER!

There’s something very funny about this. In fact, there’s something hysterical about the drama of thinking about all those times I thought I needed love.

All those times when I have been so grabby and nervous, so trying to calm down, or make an effort, or work hard, or be nice, or be healthy, or do the right thing…whatever those are.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

The turnaround: I do not need love.

Doesn’t that sound exciting? Right in the middle of the situation where you thought you needed it most? Could that be truer that you do not, in fact, need any more love than you already have? Not one drop more of attention, approval, appreciation? From anyone, or anything?

Even if you’re on an island, or in a monastery, or all alone in your house, or someone just said something unpleasant, or you learned something troubling?

YES! WOW!

“If I had a prayer, it would be this: ‘God, spare me from the desire for love, approval, or appreciation. Amen.'” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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I Am SURE I Need More Information

Yesterday on Sunday evening, I realized I had an interview queued up on my laptop since early morning, ready to push play and watch….but had never gotten around to it the whole day.

I also had my local library website open in a browser on the same laptop, waiting for me to order a book (or two) from that author who was recommended to me.

Oh, and I had an mp3 of a teleconference call ready to download, led by someone I’ve never ever heard of but the title sounded interesting about mindfulness and enlightenment or something….

….and finally, a public webinar by one of my favorite business author and teacher guys David Allen, waiting for my credit card if I want to join his class next month.

Heh heh, and that was not exactly an atypical day….

….and I never actually opened, got to, listened to, or purchased any of them.

There are hundreds and hundreds of spiritual teachers, coaches, counselors, practitioners, authors, lecturers, and scientists who have something interesting to teach or say.

Not only something interesting, but often something quite profound and beautiful to offer.

It would be impossible for any one of us to study them all. Ever.

Yet our mind will tell us that even if we can’t get to them all, read every great book, see every interesting teacher….we should make contact with AS MANY AS POSSIBLE.

Surely we can get to as many of them as we can and study what they say?

Surely we can work with new practitioners, read a new book, keep hunting and getting closer to that “goal” of….

….oh yeah, good question….what is The Goal?!

Funny how when I stop and look at myself and this particular gathering-and-studying behavior, I recognize a familiar energy, one that is stressful.

There is a little edge of push-push running around like a nervous chicken, seeking the most perfect answer, a great teacher, a solution.

Maybe the goal is that I want to stop suffering, feel happy, gain knowledge, succeed, thrive, win, enjoy, perform, bliss-out, do good.

Maybe…just maybe…there’s someone out there who can wave their wand over your head and “make” you feel better! A light bulb would go off! WOW that would be AWESOME.

The thing is, we listen and learn and gather and we DO feel better, excited, more aware. At least I do.

I love the wisdom available, just sitting down at my laptop. It’s quite stunning, really.

But it’s also of great value to me to stop hunting. Wait. Be. Watch. Listen to the silence, not someone else’s voice.

Watch that moment when I am chasing after a goal that is somewhere in the future, whether an hour from now after I watch my spiritual-teacher video, or five months from now when I’m totally over my current unpleasant condition.

That moment when I am believing “I need more”.

  • I need to read that new book
  • I need to read those old spiritual classics that I missed
  • I need to buy a ticket and go hear “x” person on their lecture tour
  • I need to order those files of “so-and-so” talking about enlightenment
  • I need to recommend to other people this new author
  • I need to stop suffering and feel blissful instead. All the time.
  • I know what enlightenment is like, and this here is NOT IT
  • I need to sign up for that program

I don’t know about you, but how I react when I have these kinds of thoughts, if I really look and examine and investigate this state of mind, is I am insatiable.

One big needy ball of energy. Walking around like I’m looking for something, very subtly and very appropriately (it doesn’t look like drug addiction or other heavier addictions).

But I am spending money on books, programs, recordings as if my life (mind) depended on it.

Sigh.

I remember when I had no money left six years ago.

One day I was doing The Work and questioning the thought “I need more money”.

I had turned the thought around just to look at it, the way we do in The Work: “I do not need more money.”

I suddenly realized one advantage of not having money.

I didn’t have it to spend on books, retreats, lectures, programs, practitioners, modalities, spiritual “information”.

I had to sit in a chair, with my own mind, instead.

I had to develop a relationship with myself that worked. A foundation of openness to this self, whatever it was.

Who would you be without that thought that you need to find the right teacher, practitioner, or program?

Who would you be without the thought that there is an answer out there that you must find, or an enlightened state that is different from who you are right now?

Who would you be without the thought that there is a magical piece of information that will crack the code of life for you personally?

“The key is to be quiet. It’s not that your mind has to be quiet. You be quiet. You, the one inside watching the neurotic mind, just relax.” ~ Michael Singer

Today, something in me feels such joy at not needing anything MORE than what I already have learned, come into contact with, practiced, or become aware of….so far.

What if you were not missing a thing? What if you did not need one bit of extra additional information?

What if you could trust that you are moving through All This and you left everything alone, just allowed it to be what it is?

“The Tao is called the Great Mother: empty yet inexhaustible, it gives birth to infinite worlds. It is always present within you. You can use it any way you want.”~ Tao Te Ching #6

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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Cell Phone Sets Mind Off

It’s funny how the tiniest thought can produce just a wee bit ‘o stress“my cell phone should not have run out of battery power”.  

I knew it wasn’t a matter of life or death…CLEARLY.

But still.

I told someone I would call them back 5 minutes ago. I will now be quite late. They will be waiting for me.

And what if my children are trying to text me RIGHT NOW?

Yeah, now that I think about it…I want to text my husband, and my good friend who texted me earlier. But I can’t! This is annoying!

And that person is waiting….they might even be getting upset. Dang! I hate my new phone! My old phone had a better battery!

Jeez, what kind of company would make a phone that drains out of battery power so quickly?

How did I overlook the battery level being so low? I don’t remember using the phone that much…did I do something?

Is there something else I haven’t learned yet about this phone, something that inadvertently uses up all the battery power?

Probably, it’s so complicated! I don’t even understand all the features. There are too many of them! I just want a simple phone!

Getting this phone was a big mistake!!!!

That’s how the mind runs sometimes. It’s like it’s flitting from idea to idea, figuring out the source of the problem.

Digging down into a deeper, more intense, more theatrical belief.

Have you ever looked at your beloved partner and through the same process of disgruntled stressful thinking…..gone from being upset that he doesn’t wipe the mud off his shoes, to concluding that this relationship is doomed?

Or maybe you had a flat tire, or took longer than expected in the store, or you got stuck in heavy traffic, or you cut your finger, or you couldn’t sleep, or you received some news in the mail….and your heart jumps, you experience a little worrisome image, your mind thinks this could be serious.

Not just serious….dire. Dreadful. Tragic. 

For a long time, I carried in my wallet a cartoon drawing that reminded me of the Drama Queen Mind.

It was a one-frame square cartoon image. A man was standing, opening his mail. The only written word in the drawing was a bubble coming out of an envelope he was holding as he ripped one end of the envelope open….“tear”.

In the background, his dog was going berserk. The drawing captured this dog going completely ballistic, and the man turning quizically towards the dog, as if wondering what the heck was the problem?

Beneath the frame was the caption “As usual, violent behavior sets the dog off.”

As usual, a major freakin’ emergency sets the mind off (cell phone ran out of battery, what else).

Fortunately, that all happens so fast, that with inquiry….without taking it seriously….a few more minutes go by and I am chuckling about the phone, and I notice all is incredibly well. Later the person I was calling back didn’t seem to notice how late I was.

But don’t berate or be upset with yourself if you react more drastically. It sometimes is the way of it.

Then you’ll know to question whether what you’re thinking is an emergency is actually true? And you may discover quite quickly that it’s not.

And then maybe when a true actual emergency comes along…that won’t feel so much like one, either.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

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It’s OK To Ask For Money

It was a dark, damp, bleak January morning. My mortgage was due in 2 days for the little cottage where I had lived for 15 months. I had exactly 64 dollars in my bank account. The mortgage was $2,130.

Five months earlier, I could see this day coming. Even though I hated to, at that time, I had put my cottage up for sale. I only had enough money at that time to last about five more months.

To last until now.

Five months earlier, I did The Work on my deep grief and terror at having little time left to turn my life around financially. I was living off my savings, and my savings were draining. I was sinking as fast as the Titanic.

I had borrowed money from family, I had sold everything I could sell, I had done part-time manual work for cash. I had become willing and applied for a job at Starbucks. I had done a temp job at a hospital.

I knew if I purchased absolutely nothing but the basic necessities; food, heat, electricity and my house mortgage, I would be out of money by January.

My kids became eligible for Free Lunch at school.

I started working at a dance twice a week, trading my help for free entrance. I found out the school had special services for clothes, back packs and other items for my kids for school, based on my enormous drop in income.

A friend suggested I apply for food stamps. I refused….and later started to cry while thinking about it.

I could hardly believe I was eligible for food stamps. But I was.

Five months earlier, I had come to the conclusion, after doing The Work and questioning my long-held beliefs about failure, success, work and money, that I could sell my house.

It felt so, so sad. But I didn’t know that for sure. It looked like the most practical step, the necessary step. It was the worst that could happen, and I questioned that Worst Thing and found, maybe it would actually be OK.

I would go live with my mom. I had put my house up for sale.

The selling price was less than what I had paid for it with my former husband when we were still married, only two years before. It was now worth less, and I might barely make enough on the sale to cover the original loan.

I knew when I put my house for sale that I would make no profit, but at least I would be out of debt, and free and clear of the obligation. And I wouldn’t owe anymore.

I would prevent total and complete financial disaster.

I thought, by putting my house up for sale (which I did not want to do) that I would avoid THAT MOMENT.

But here was that moment. This terrible January morning when I had 2 days to pay my mortgage, and only $64.

As it had turned out, over the past five months, quite a few people had made offers to purchase my cottage. For very low prices.

The market was plummeting downward. “Sorry, but we need to offer you fifty thousand dollars less than what you even owe on the property….You will foreclose even after you sell, because you’ll still have a loan to pay off!”

All during this time of house-selling and keeping the cottage in pristine order so people could come look at it, I was also applying for jobs frantically. I went to many interviews. I was a job-interviewing expert.

As I sat there looking at the mortgage bill and knowing, I had no money to pay it, I had the thought that there was only one way I had not received money yet, that would be acceptable to my integrity.

A gift. Winning the lottery. Something weird and unexpected.

“I cannot ask for a gift of money”. 

Too shameful, humiliating, embarrassing. I would never do that, I couldn’t…

I sat and did The Work on this concept. Is it true, that I can’t ask for money? Who would I ask anyway?

What would people think? It made me feel sick to my stomach.

I cannot ask for a gift of money.

Is that true?

No. I CAN ask for a gift of money. But the embarrassment….so demeaning, so low.

Are you sure? Are you sure that you can’t ask….for fear of rejection, horror, people turning away, people being uncomfortable?

Yes. My answer is yes. I can’t ask. It is absolutely true. 

I had never asked for a gift of money my entire life, not that I remembered. Never. I had always, it seemed, believed this.

When other people asked for money, I thought they were really reducing themselves to the lowest level. They were at rock bottom. They were a mess.

Who would I be without the thought “I cannot ask for a gift of money”?

I’d probably ask right now. If there was any time that was the right time, knowing that I have done everything I possibly could, sold all my assets, looked for a job or income with all my might, and become willing to sell my home…this was probably the time.

The turnaround: I can ask for a gift of money.

I couldn’t find examples. I felt stuck. I did not know when someone, including ME, could ask for money and feel OK about it. I had no examples.

That night, the man I had begun dating about six months earlier took me to the movies. He knew I was bad off financially, but not how bad.

We saw “Cinderella Man” starring Russell Crowe.

Right in the movie was an example for “I can ask for a gift of money”. 

The main character swallowed his pride, took off his hat, knowing he had to do it to feed his own children, and went around a room full of distinguished looking businessmen, holding out his hat for donations.

I sobbed.

I told my new boyfriend about doing The Work on money, and the truth of my financial situation.

I told him that I still couldn’t actually ask for a gift of money….but at least I was open to the possibility that there are some situations when its OK, when it is done in integrity.

I was late for that January mortgage payment. Late payment #1. On the way to foreclosure. Only two more months of late payments, and the bank would reclaim my house.

But something also felt possible, not as closed off….like the awareness that in this world, money comes and goes and flows in and out and really, all would be well.

I loved seeing that turnaround appear before me in that movie. So beautiful.

Two weeks later, I drove (deciding to use the gas in the tank of my car) to the dance where I had been volunteering my work in exchange for free entrance for the past six months.

Now, I had $11 left in my bank account. I had a credit card I had been using for groceries, almost maxed out to the limit.

At the end of the dance, after helping put away tables and clean up and sweep the dance floor, and vaccuum….the woman who runs the dance (who had become a dear friend), and my new boyfriend beckoned me over, where there appeared to be a lot of people hovering…longer than usual at the end of the dance when people usually linger.

People hushed each other and were murmuring. Someone said “this is it! Quiet!….for Grace….”

Someone pulled me into the center of a circle that was forming, right in the middle of the dance floor.

“Grace, we’d like to present you with a gift. We heard of your situation, and we also heard it’s your birthday, and we took up a donation….”

I opened the thick bursting envelope….Tears welled up in my eyes. I could hardly speak.

Bills of cash from people right there in the dance community, checks from family who lived far away, checks and cash from friends in other countries, friends who didn’t live anywhere near me…donations from people who saw me at dance but weren’t even sure what my name was.

My boyfriend had extended the donation, put out the request to the universe, sent out emails….no expectations.

He called it the Birthday Bucket.

The next day, I paid my late mortgage. Two weeks later I got a job, and I paid the next month’s mortgage.

I’ve never needed to ask for any money since.

It’s OK to ask for money.

“Once you can think clearly, without the stress of your painful thoughts, the whole world, in all of its unlimited abundance and glory, will open up for you. A fearful mind is limited; it can see only a very few options. A clear mind can see many more options–unlimited options. It can act efficiently, effortlessly, intelligently, in the present moment, and not be stuck in its deadly stories of past and future.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace
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There’s Not Enough Time

August 10th Seattle: Mini Retreat 1:30 – 5:30 pm. A brief intro and plunge right in to The Work of Byron Katie. Start from scratch with beginner’s mind. End with new insight through investigation on any stressful situation you’ve ever encountered (you pick which one). Mental health professionals can earn 4 CEUs.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch (picture tumbleweeds blowing across the wide open plains…the inner mind).

I noticed an old familiar tumbleweed this morning: I need more time!

Holy Moly this thought can be frustrating and definitely stressful.

I love investigating this thought, though, instead of just believing it and reacting to life with it totally entrenched in the mind.

What do I need more time for? Why do I need more time?

Well, GOSH! Of course I need to complete all the following items…yesterday:

  • I need to check and respond to emails
  • I need to read my class materials
  • I need to sit down and watch my training videos
  • I need to finish that book
  • I need to go to the library
  • I need to learn how to make a video
  • I need 75 minutes at the gym
  • I need to make those 4 phone calls
  • I need to buy those items at the Rite Aid
  • I need to finish my book on recovering from eating issues
  • I need to schedule my fall classes
  • I need to organize my calendar, my desk, my to-do list, my retreat plans, my hand-outs, my grocery store list, my bank statements, my bills….

It can go on and on.

And why do I actually need to do these things?

Because, because…I need to do them to succeed, to improve my life experience, to make more money, to avoid feeling needy in the future, to produce something meaningful, to feel happy and peaceful, to avoid forgetting about someone or something, to make sure my kids are safe and secure, to keep my health excellent, to gain knowledge, to rock the casbah.

It is truly incredible to enter the world of self-inquiry around all these kinds of things…the things we are apparently needing to do in order to be successful, healthy, happy and accomplished.

The list is endless! I could add so much more!

But do I really need to do that thing I think I need to do? Is it absolutely critical that I respond, call, email, schedule, buy, get, organize, finish that thing?

Sometimes people get really worried about who they would be without the thought “I need to do that.”

I might lie like a slug on the couch and waste my life away. I might never finish my book. I might never do anything of true value. I might have no purpose. I might not earn any money, I might never go to work, or go to the store. I’d be apathetic, lazy, boring, slow.

It would be depressing. I’d be a failure!

I can’t give up that thought! Even if it’s stressful!

Are you sure? Are you sure you’d be “wasting” time if you did nothing? Are you sure whatever you’re doing is “nothing”?

Are you sure that you’d even WANT to do “nothing” if you didn’t have the thought “I need to do something”?

Perhaps, like me, you can discover that without the belief that you have to do something, you actually find out that you LIKE doing some things, even things on your list.

Such as going to the gym.

I love my gym! So fun! (Except for when they replay the Van Halen Classics channel over and over…)

But it’s NOT wrong if you don’t like it, at all, its the way of it.

As I question “I need more time” over and over again (when it becomes stressful) I discover without the thought….I am here in this moment, with a mind that’s having fun thinking about stuff that can get accomplished, and I’m really not taking it all seriously.

There goes that Crazy Mind! With all it’s Crazy Ideas!

For some weird reason, even though I believe I’ve never eaten it, the ad for Trix Cereal comes into my mind sometimes from American TV when I was a kid. (Silly Wabbit, Trix Are For Kids!)

Silly Mind! Tricks Are For Kids!

Not taking the mind’s TO-DO list very seriously. That to-do accomplishment list is such a sneaky trick!

Making me think I need more time! Ha!

Turning it around, I do not actually need more time. I don’t need to “work” at all this.

My heart is beating, my lungs are breathing, my body is going from young to old on just the right trajectory.

Without my help.

There are enough hours and minutes in every day.

The quantity of time here on the planet is enough, from birth to death, from sun up to sun down, from point A to point B.

What if I simply lived that turnaround, instead of believing in Not Enough Time?

What would I be like if I walked around today, going about my business, in the grocery store, getting up in the morning, talking with my family…always believing that there is plenty of time?

Oooh boy, doesn’t that sound exciting?

Suddenly, here in this moment now, I feel very satisfied, trusting of the universe and the enough-ness of it all….being here, right now.

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Money class starts July 11th now (not tomorrow). Join us!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.
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When They Demand, Insist, Ask, Plead

I promised to send out the recording for the second free call on Monday, and here it is:

Listen to the replay here 5:15 pm Monday 6/10/2013

If you were there, even if you did not participate, please fill out this anonymous survey so I can learn what works best for the group calls, what works best for YOU:

Click here to send me feedback

The concept that rose to be questioned on the call was a concept many of us have felt at one time or another in life: that person wants me to do something, and I don’t want to!

So, there is another human being, making a request. They are asking for something with words, or perhaps you’ve inferred over time what they want.

Maybe they’re yelling at you “I want you to do it RIGHT NOW!”

Or maybe they’re crying and looking forlorn, and you believe that if you do what they’ve asked, they’ll stop feeling sad.

Maybe they just give you a look…and you get a crunched feeling in your gut because you’re SURE they want THAT…and you don’t like it.

This is a stressful situation. It doesn’t feel simple. You feel torn.

They ask for what they want……and you agonize, you fret, you worry, you feel angry, you have conversations in your head with them, you avoid them.

They shouldn’t even ask in the first place! Look at all the stress they’re causing! JEEZ!

The thing I love about this concept is that I find out, for myself, how uncomfortable I am with telling someone “no”.

And not just saying “no” but feeling confidence, a sense of centeredness, like I’m following an important message from the inside, and simultaneously seeing that person not as the enemy who has asked for something terrible, but simply a human being making a request.

I remember being 15 years old. My mother wanted me to clean my room.

For some reason, I felt a blazing fire of refusal that day. I don’t care what happens to me….I won’t do it!

I have never seen my mom so furious. This was outright war.

I have so much compassion for her now, in that moment. I’ve felt the same rage towards my own beautiful daughter….and I screamed at her!

When we’re believing that someone else wants us to do something, and that there is something frightening or uncomfortable about responding to that person, then it is very stressful.

I loved doing The Work on this concept yesterday.

We all know what it’s like to believe the thought “they want me to do it!”

Some of us fight. Attack! Throw the bum out!

Some of us get clever and sneaky. The dog ripped my bank statement to shreds!

Some of us cut off that person. No texting, no response, no answering the phone. Return To Sender, Addressee Unknown.

But all around, it’s stressful. A little bit anxious, or super scary.

Who would you be without the thought “that person wants me to do something I don’t want to do”?

My anxiety level drops about 20 points. I don’t feel so sure that person who is doing the asking is a mean, nasty ogre….or a powerful perpetrator…or a bossy ruler of the universe…or a needy weakling who’s about to keel over.

I don’t assume that I am either a victim or someone big and powerful, with no ability to love and speak up and take care of myself andhonor them.

I can hear their request and simply consider it, with an open mind.

Without the thought, everything feels more simple.

Will you please leave? Oh…Ok. Sure.
Will you move in with me? No…I love having my own place. 
Will you run an errand for me? Yes! I adore walking to the store.
Will you do my laundry every week? No. 
Will you save money? No. I love spending everything I receive.
Will you have sex with me? That sounds fun, but I have a few important questions first like do you have a disease? Are you sleeping with other people? Etc.
Will you clean the bathroom? I’ll clean the bathroom, you clean the kitchen.
Will you go on a date with me? No, thank you.
Will you buy me a present? Sure!
Will you pay my tuition? No, I wish I could but I don’t have the money.
 

And can you change your mind?

Yes!

Perhaps the turnaround is truer, that the person does NOT want you to do something you don’t want to do. Not really.

Perhaps you’ve been having the same kinds of thoughts as that person….and you’ve been insisting that THEY do something or behave in some way, or say or think or feel something that THEY don’t want to do!

And perhaps, ultimately, YOU don’t want to do something you don’t want to do!

“The voice within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage. My lover is the place inside me where an honest yes and no come from. That’s my true partner. It’s always there. And to tell you yes when my integrity says no is to divorce that partner.” ~Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

P.S. Two spaces available for Breitenbush. Weds evening through Sunday early afternoon 6/26-6/30. Come to Oregon with us, and imagine leaving with your body not being a problem. Click here for more information.

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Afternoon Announcement 2rd Group Inquiry Call Today

I don’t usually ever send two emails in one day, but wanted to let you all know, in case you want to attend the second free group call, that anyone is welcome and we’ll start in a couple of hours 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific Time.

And, if you would be so kind as to complete this anonymous survey, if you attended the first call OR if you attend the second, it will help me improve and make future group calls really wonderful:

Take the Survey here (only 4 questions)

I was SO EXCITED about the first Group Inquiry phone call  that happened earlier!

Of course, since it was a first-time group live open call, there were a few small technical glitches. Or maybe they were big!

1) I muted myself accidentally for about 3 minutes. That probably sounded pretty goofy—total and complete silence.

Most of you didn’t even hang up during that silent phase, which was awesome.

2) only the first 25 people to call could get “in”. That will be the case for the second group today as well. There is a cap on the total spots available, it turns out!

So, I guess the early bird gets the worm! If you want to just listen, but come on live, that’s OK, but you’ll still need to come on board early if you want a spot.

And, if you missed the phone call today, here is the recording below. (Note: there are more than 3 minutes of silence….kind of like Watergate, I’m hoping you don’t notice). Ha!

Click HERE to listen to the morning Group Inquiry With Grace call

But I was so excited to do The Work with those of you who came! Thank you so very much for your participation, vulnerability and beautiful honesty. Even just listening is a gift of energy to the pool!

So let’s do The Work together AGAIN! 5:15 Pacific Time!

Here’s how to dial-in:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

We’ll do The Work again on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

 Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought with a group, and open to new possibilities.

 Much love, Grace

P.S. If you attend either one of the calls today, I want your feedback! Absolutely anything you might advise, what did not work, what you would like to see happen that would work better, what you need or want, what you would like to hear more of, or less of, anything annoying, anything worrisome. I am here to serve you and help you investigate your thoughts! Here again is the link. Your words are valuable to me (and to the greater community of inquirers):

Click here to take the survey

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Free Group Inquiry Telecall Today

Let’s do The Work together!

My first free telecall is almost here—and I’m offering this at two times so you can hopefully join us, depending on your time zone.

Monday, June 10th 8:15 am  – 9:45 am Pacific time

Monday, June 10th 5:15 pm – 6:45 pm Pacific time

Here’s how to dial-in to either call:

Phone: 206-402-0100 Code: 305799#

Skype: enter “joinconference” into the dialing keypad (or your address book). Call “joinconference” then locate the keypad again and enter the code 305799#

Or listen only via your computer:

8:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960046

5:15 class 6/10— http://InstantTeleseminar.com/?eventID=41960172

I won’t be able to help you connect once the call begins.

Pop in any time to listen, or come at the very start to participate. If you arrive late, there won’t be an “entry” chime so you won’t interrupt the group.

We’ll do The Work on a common, underlying stressful belief.

You will have the opportunity to quietly sit at the beginning and consider a stressful situation, contemplating it in your mind, and then picking a painful, troubling, or confusing belief about that situation.

Then together, we’ll move into inquiry on one of the concepts that someone finds that they have been thinking about their difficult situation. Something that creates stress inside when they think it!

It may be one of your concepts!

And even if it’s not…as Byron Katie says “there are no new thoughts”.

Whatever we inquire into, you may be easily able to find where you yourself have believed that thought.

This process known as The Work is so simple, anyone can do it. Come see what its like to question a stressful thought, and open to new possibilities.

Much love,

Grace

  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: Life Support For The Compulsive Thinker. June 11, 2013 – May 20, 2014, Tuesday teleclasses * 2 optional in-person retreats * Powerful Group work. Click here to read all about it.
  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, June 13 – August 8, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. No class June 27. 8 weeks $395.Register Here. 
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Investigating the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating And Food. Tuesdays, June 11 – July 30, 2013 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 6/15, 8/10, 9/7, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate. Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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The Fabulous Discovery of Not Being Special

Quick News: There is room in teleclass Earning Money, starting Thursday 5:15 pm Pacific, on diving in to the stressful beliefs about money, work, and business. Click here to read about it and register.

Here’s a beautiful note I received from a participant from this class:

Dear Grace,
Thank you. 
A year ago you gave me a discounted place on one of your business courses. I went into it open minded but not exactly sure what (if any) impact it would have.At the very outset of the course I remember you saying that we should deal with whatever will stop us from fully participating in the course. That simple challenge meant it was the first course that I have taken that I completely participated in (and I have taken a lot of courses).
I am still working with my issues around money however in terms of my business.... it doubled within a year of taking the course. Working with you was a major consciousness shift. It was a brilliant and worthwhile investment on many levels. Thank you for your valuable work – and very welcome grace notes. ~ Earning Money teleclass participant 2012

********

Other than upcoming teleclasses, this morning I am thinking about my recent travel. And being special (not).

Traveling by airplane is very, very bizarre, when you really think about it.

We humans can get on a big airplane that holds several hundred people, like an entire waiting room jam packed full, and all their bags and boxes, and the tubular unit (the jet) takes off into the sky and flies half way around the world at 30,000 feet.

That is sooooo bizarre.

Now, I am back in cool, gray Seattle, Washington where I normally apparently live. It’s morning here, and evening in Bali.

My brain is a little groggy.

My thoughts go something like this:

  • I should sleep all night without waking up
  • I wish I felt better physically, as in, energetic, well-rested, spunky!
  • My body has a life of its own…it seems confused about the hour of the day….and I don’t like it!
  • I wanted to be special and not have Jet Lag!

Ha! I want to be special!

One of my all-time favorite repetitive concepts, that I really don’t like to confess or mention, is all about being special.

This idea can appear just about anywhere.

It appears often for many humans in primary relationships, family situations, then work situations, creative endeavors, the urge to be “known” or  perhaps “famous”, loved, adored, special around health, time…you name it.

It’s a little embarrassing to admit having the idea “I am special”.

The mind has a voice that says “You are soooo special. You are not like all other people. Just look! You are clever! You are successful! You are an amazing manifester! You look young for your age! You’re a good athlete! You are quite a unique talent! You don’t even get Jet Lag! WOW!”

I call that the Pumper-Upper Voice. It gives assurance and pep talks and cheer-leading speeches, in an effort to feel relief, or dissolve worry, or deny that there is fear present about being ordinary, just like all other humans.

That voice that gets interested in being special is comparing yourself to everyone and everything else. It’s like there’s a huge gigantic competition, and where you fit in the percentiles actually matters.

That voice enjoys feeling like you might have a leg-up, part of an elite group, an outlier, lucky, a hard-worker….special.

Often in primary love relationships, we get very caught in thinking we are special because the other person thinks we’re special and we think they are special….specialness all around.

But no.

It’s the very same flip-side thinking as comparing yourself to others and to the universe and finding yourself lacking, less-than, worse-off by comparison.

I have a body, just like everyone else does. It is actually nothing special.

Neither is my mind, my journey, my relationships, my life experience.

The thing is, “getting” this idea at a most deep level (and we all really do get this)….that I am mediocre and ordinary and just like everyone else…can be the most wonderful, liberating, extraordinary thing.

Nothing to brace against, nothing to push towards, nothing to strive for. Simply alive, living this moment, being here….tired and knowing very little, not having any answers, on my way to death eventually.

Not trying to feel pumped, or encouraged, or bolstered up or full of big accomplishments as opposed to tired, normal, middle-aged (or whatever age you are) person.

Allowing everything about yourself to be as it is, without wishing it to be different, and without giving yourself a gold star either for accomplishment.

“Rejoicing in ordinary things is not sentimental or trite. It actually takes guts. Each time we drop our complaints and allow everyday good fortune to inspire us, we enter the warrior’s world.” ~ Pema Chodron

If right now, today, you loosen the grip of wishing you were something other than what you are, no matter how tiny the thoughts (like “I wish I wasn’t jet-lagged” or “I wish I had more money”) and see who you would be without the thought….you may have an inspiring, extraordinary, awesome feeling of relaxation.

No big deal.

If you let go of the complaints, you let go also of the compliments, the strutting, the feeling of control or better-ness or having a special spin on things…..and it’s really OK.

It’s more than OK, it’s so ordinary and sweet, without needing anything to be different….that it feels amazing.

Who would you be without the thought that you are special, different, exceptional, admired, or that it would be better if you were?

“The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened the whole notion of enlightenment and someone who is enlightened is a big joke. ” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Due to great interest, I will likely start a Fall Group for the One Year Program of Inquiry on Thursday evenings Pacific Time (a different time option) beginning in September. I so love the joy people are drawn to in creating a group community sangha to investigate their stressful beliefs together for a whole year. Click here to read all about it.

P.P.S Two spaces left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food—join us on Tuesdays!

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Money Monkey Mind Bargaining

On my way out of Bali, as I sit in the busy airport here with many people scurrying by and tons of languages flowing through the air, I’m reflecting on all I’ve seen, learned, felt, and taken in for 3 weeks.

Here I am, ready to say goodbye to paradise (as the big sign says).

Interestingly, I have to tell you about a most fascinating travel experience, the opportunity here to discover underlying money beliefs….in the middle of a thing called bargaining.

Many countries of the world engage in “bargaining”. Negotiating, dickering, bantering, haggling, cuttin’ a deal, finding agreement.

In Bali, there were goods spread out in the market, with no prices on anything.

When I saw a beautiful lace traditional kind of sweater that I was interested in buying, and I asked “how much?” the woman said “how much do you want to offer?”

Gulp! Um. Er. Uh. Really?

This is killing me! The woman was waiting, looking, with penetrating eyes.

Quick–I looked around uncomfortably, with a shifting glance, hoping someone would step out of the woodwork to help me.

Stressful thoughts enter, like a little army marching in:

  • I could offer her anything? That’s too hard!
  • I can’t offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I won’t get what I want.
  • I have to know what the “insult” line is beforehand
  • If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be stuck knowing I paid more than I needed to pay, I’ll be obligated to cough up the money
  • I can’t change my mind
  • She thinks I’m rich (which is dangerous, if she doesn’t feel rich)
  • I might get tricked
  • I quit! I can’t shop here!

No! I don’t like the sweater! I walked away, without ever saying a word.

Lordy, the thoughts were suddenly there, BAM! Showing me what I imagined could be true in this strange moment of two humans from different sides of the world considering making a trade.

The thing that’s so fascinating about these beliefs, when I look at the list, is that often, we humans have these same kinds of beliefs in our relationship with other people when we want to ask them for something.

It doesn’t have to be money.

I decided to inquire and do The Work. I realize I’m imagining uncomfortable things can happen, and a big lack of trust.

I look at “she’ll get insulted if I make a low offer”.

I ask myself what is so frightening or bad about her getting insulted?

What about anyone in your life? Let’s say you want time, money, attention, connection, and you want the exchange to feel super easy for you (a “low” offer)?

What is worrisome about that?

Because I want this to go well, I want that person to like me, I want them to feel satisfied (not jipped), I want that person to feel good about interacting with me, I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable, everything needs to be fair….if they feel safe and secure, then I can feel safe and secure.

“It’s bad to insult someone by asking for something I want”.

Is that really true?

My first answer is yes. It feels like it’s bad. I don’t want to insult anyone. I need to be careful. I need to see everything from THEIR side as a form of protection.

But is it absolutely true that it’s BAD if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

No.

That person is allowed to feel whatever they feel, including insult.

That person has their own life, their experience, their beliefs.

And I do NOT know for sure that they are insulted, or that it is my fault if they are.

How do I react when I believe that it’s bad if I insult someone by asking for what I want?

Very careful. I stay quiet. I check out all angles on my wants before I speak up. I make sure I am appropriate, acceptable, that I anticipate someone else’s reaction before I ask anything.

I am in their business.

I treat them like they are unable to manage their feelings, that they could hurt me, that they could become offended (and that would be horrible).

I treat myself like I am capable of ruining someone’s day. I feel guilty, apologetic. I excuse myself or walk away. I don’t participate.

How do I react when I believe the thought “it’s bad to insult someone when asking for something I want?”

I do not ask for what I want.

Who would I be without the thought that I could insult someone at any given moment, and I need to be careful?

This does not mean I barge through, crush everyone in my way, elbow people out, walk over people, demand that I get what I want.

That’s the flip side of the exact same coin (speaking of money) of winning, losing, grabbing, controlling.

I have found that when people feel scared of offending other people when asking for what they want, another way they react is to put up a barrier, and demand what they want.

It’s not that.

Who would I really be if I didn’t believe the thought that the whole asking/responding dynamic MEANS risk, confusion, guilt, insult, fear, worry, should/shouldn’t, caring, love, approval, fairness?

What if anyone could ask anything, and then get an honest response…without it meaning something ELSE?

What if a “no” is fantastic and a “yes” is fantastic, both important, good, honorable, honest, simple?

Who would I be without the thought that I might insult someone if I ask for something I want?

I would be free. I wouldn’t have to be careful. I wouldn’t worry about the response of others when I ask for something.

I wouldn’t get mad at people for asking ME to do things I don’t want to do. I’d just say “no”.

I’d have a lot more fun asking for what I want!! I’d laugh when I got it, and chuckle and keep going (or not) when I didn’t.

I’d keep asking until I got what I wanted, like when Byron Katie suggests that if you need a job, go to the first store and say “will you hire me?” and if they say no, go to the next place, and keep asking if it takes 1000 people.

Turning this belief-system around about money and asking, I find an opposite recipe for how to live, without fear of negotiating when it comes to money, or anything else for that matter.

  • I could offer her anything? Oh how very exciting! WOW!
  • I can offer $5! She could get insulted and become angry, or withdraw, and then I can say, how about $10? I can check what’s right with me on the inside, and trust it.
  • If I offer too high and she says instantly “yes!” then I’ll be privileged knowing I paid exactly what I needed to pay, I’ll be honored to give the gift of money
  • I can always change my mind
  • She thinks I’m rich! Halleluia, that’s a great way to see me!
  • I might get blessed
  • I join! I can shop here!

I went back to the store a few days later, after self-inquiring.

Me and that shop owner had a fantastic time, laughing and making faces and communicating without speaking each other’s language, and I offered less than half and she said “no! no!” and frowned…and then I waited, and she made an offer back, and we laughed, and connected, and I now am flying home with a gorgeous pale pink lace hand made Balinese women’s sweater.

I had a blast haggling it out. Everybody happy.

If you find that you have money thoughts, and trouble asking, negotiating, setting fees, asking for a raise or a job….if you find you feel negative about money, and “earning” it or spending it or needing it or wanting it…

Come join the Money teleclass. We look at money, buying, selling, promoting, marketing, asking, not-enough, needing, wanting, believing stressful thoughts.

And if you really know you can’t spend the money to take the class…ask for what you want. You never know, you might get it, before you even have to ask 1,000 times!

“What stories we assign to pieces of paper! Rich or poor, we believe the same stories over and over again. Isn’t it time for you to end that suffering? Financial freedom is not about manifesting new cars or high-paying jobs. It is about being absolutely secure and loving whatever reality brings you. The truth is that you’re supposed to have exactly as much money as you have right now. No more, no less. How do you know when you’re supposed to have more? When you do. How do you know when you’re supposed to have less? When you do. Realizing this is true abundance. It leaves you without a care in the world.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

P.S. One space left in Horrible Food Wonderful Food starting Tuesday 5:15 pm Pacific time and two spaces left in the One Year Program of Small Group Inquiry together.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach