Last week in the One Year of Inquiry group, we looked at the belief “that person should understand me.”
As happens sometimes, I then found myself working with several different people during the week who had this belief, for years, at such a deep, penetrating level that the very thought of letting go of it induced anger and frustration.
That person really should have understood! They should have taken the time to hear me out. They should have understood that I was afraid, sad, distressed, in need.
They should have been compassionate, attendant, forgiving, curious.
The mind can bump up against this belief like a brick wall.
How could it be possible that I would be fabulously OK with that person never, ever, ever understanding me…with that person not caring, listening, opening to me, with that person not even TRYING to understand me?
Without this thought, I would be lost in the void, totally alone, no desire to connect, hopeless, depressed.
I need this thought so that I keep on trying to connect. I need this thought so that I keep on trying to figure out how it went wrong, what went wrong, and how to prevent it from happening again with someone else.
Feeling the grief or depression or hopelessness of not being understood is worse than at least having the hope that they COULD understand, that I can assert myself, I can explain myself better, that I can defend myself, that I have SOME kind of power here.
The fear of being in that hopeless place, where I am not believing the thought that this person should understand me, and they still do not understand and probably will NEVER understand, seems terrible.
Yet, can I absolutely know that it is TRUE that they should understand me? What is happening in reality?
They do not understand.
Is there any inkling of possibility, no matter how small, that this person should not understand, cannot understand, will not understand, and must not understand….for your benefit?
Could there be any advantage, at all, no matter how small and seemingly low an advantage, to their lack of understanding?
I did this work, and then repeated it on the same person several times.
Every time, I had new insight and awareness of the advantages of that person not understanding me.
- I don’t have to listen to really long explanations of that person’s family life anymore–she decided I did not understand, so she takes these stories elsewhere
- I won’t be invited to a conference I didn’t want to attend anyway, next year
- I can talk about meditation with others who like it more
- I don’t need to worry about my social inadequacies or low income (by comparison)
- she offered me an awesome feeling of my own trustworthiness, integrity, and patience
- I won’t find myself in over-priced bars for meeting venues
I realize that after the “misunderstanding” I felt more confident, more free, clearer about my profession and more relaxed in some areas than ever before.
I discover, I actually am open to not knowing all the benefits for me, personally, around this person not understanding me….but trusting that the way it went was a good thing.
When I am believing it’s a terrible, upsetting thing that she or he did not understand me…then I expend TONS of energy fighting for understanding. I talk, plead, explain, justify. I am not silent. I ruminate on the whole relationship and where the misunderstanding occurred over and over again.
When I do not believe that anyone should understand me, my mind is quiet. It has no project. I am in the present moment. I feel rooted, peaceful.
“I questioned my thoughts and my world changed, it put me in a kind universe…and that’s how I decided that the universe is kind. I kept coming back to that kind universe and all of the proof. I couldn’t prove the unkind universe, that’s what keeps mind busy, proving the universe is unkind, that’s the mind’s job; to show us the universe is unkind, but when we begin to question that then all the real evidence is; the world is kind and I invite people to test it.”~ Byron Katie
Perhaps just the right amount of understanding or lack of understanding is happening, at just the right moment, in just the right way…for awareness to blossom, for the mind to end it’s struggle…for my own enlightenment.
“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47
Let yourself not know why that relationship went the way it did.
You may feel your heart open to the whole world, with them in it.
Love, Grace