When something really difficult happens, and I mean something drastic, final, life-changing, perhaps shocking….then it is natural for a human being to react.
Someone dies, you find out you have a disease, an accident occurs, a relationship changes, you lose something (your job, your house, a possession)….
….The thing happens, you take it in fast, you respond. Your mind generates feelings, your body feels them almost simultaneously.
The feelings may develop immediately, they may morph and move in various directions. They may come and go from day to day after the event.
One thing I’ve noticed over time, working with many people one-on-one, is that people become very afraid of their big feelings, and afraid of the event repeating itself.
It’s like the mind screams “EMERGENCY! You cannot feel this much. You will have a heart attack. You can’t live through this grief. You aren’t gonna make it. You must do everything to get back to ground zero, calmness, relaxation, stability.”
The mind presents to us images, pictures, ideas, someone’s voice speaking in our head, words. You’re repeating the event in your mind over and over, and tightening up over and over against the event.
It feels like a little child, squeezing her eyes tight and plugging her ears with her fingers and making noise with her mouth so she can’t hear the frightening or see the scary thing happening.
It’s one huge gigantic “NOOOOOOOOO!”
When the traumatic event happens, you have the first-time experience of going through it.
But then the mind goes into replay. Rewind, replay, fast forward, rewind, replay.
The mind wants to do its job as a protector (it thinks it can) and make sure that thing NEVER happens to you again. EVER.
Which is of course impossible to guarantee.
It’s a full time job trying to manage, diminish, reduce, fix, or contain the very stressful and painful feelings.
I have found in myself these simple beliefs; “I can’t accept this situation, I can’t handle these feelings” are profoundly stressful.
No matter how subtle or huge these beliefs may be…it requires effort to hold onto them.
The way I myself have reacted, and the way other people also describe reacting, when believing they can’t handle “x”, they can’t handle their feelings about “x”, is they are frozen, they panic, they work very hard and use tremendous effort to change.
How do I react when I believe I can’t handle a situation, and I certainly can’t handle it ever happening again?
Adrenaline, busy mind, anxiety, lack of humor, irritation at other people who don’t feel the same fears….feeling alone, feeling self-pity, singled out, squeezed, tense, sleepless, planning for the worst case scenario.
Who would you be without the belief that you can’t handle what has happened? That you couldn’t handle it happening again in the future?
Or that having a big reaction of fear, pain, agony, or grief is horrible and must be shut down?
When I first began to sink into The Work and realize along the way that I could question my deepest, most profound personal fears….I realized that this meant my most deeply imagined horrors about life.
The death of my children, earthquakes, sickness, war, violence.
Interesting that these all have to do with death. The threat of death, the probability of death, the awareness of death, the possibility of death.
Group death, my death, the death of many, the death of people I care about.
But who would I be without the thoughts “I can’t handle this situation. I can’t handle death. I can’t handle the fear!”
Who would I be without the thought that my fear is bad, frightening, wrong, must be controlled? Without the thought “I shouldn’t be afraid.”
I would feel accepting of my own reactions. I would be kind towards myself when I had strong uncomfortable feelings. Gentle, compassionate.
I would feel so real, and free. I am afraid.
Without the thought that I shouldn’t be feeling whatever I am feeling, I notice something inside the middle of my body relaxes, and the feelings of fear, or the horror-visions that my mind sees sometimes, the anger, all of these are accepted here somehow, maybe even welcomed.
How do I know I’m supposed to be afraid? Or in pain? Or feeling grief?
I am.
And then I can discover what I am thinking, and question it with such openness and willingness, without trying to change what I’m feeling.
What I’m feeling, in fact, takes care of itself.
Feeling intense fear, rage or grief will simply be felt, it will move as it moves.
No need to control yourself or pull yourself together, or manage your feelings or stop being so afraid of that terrible thing happening again.
See if you can feel what it’s like to simply be whatever you are, without worrying about it or condemning it.
Hello terror. Hello rage. Hello profound grief.
“Forget safety.
Live where you fear to live.
Destroy your reputation.
Be notorious.”
~ Rumi
….Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~ Rumi
Much Love, Grace