but my family member(s) will drive me crazy when I see them—(time for retreat?)

Only six days until Autumn Retreat in northeast Seattle, Washington up here in the beautiful corner of the US near Canada. Woohoo! Still room for two commuters, and one person could stay onsite (one comfy and gorgeous bedroom is available).

If you want a shorter simple half-day retreat, come over to my cottage Sunday, October 14th 2-6 pm. People drive from Spokane or Portland or Vancouver BC for these little half-day intensives. A sweet way to write one worksheet and “get the job done” as Katie says. Only 2 spots left. Register before if you can.

Who knows what else can shift when we spend the time together, deliberately, meditating in self-inquiry, the four questions, and sharing what distresses us.

There’s something profound about doing this work together, in the company of others, that just isn’t the same as doing it alone.

The last 2018 opportunity for in-person gathering in The Work is at Breitenbush HotSprings Resort, and it’s an amazing deal at $245 tuition before 11/1. You’ll choose lodging and every meal will be included. Cozy, off-the-grid, focused time on your inner life during this sometimes stressful holiday time of year. Call Breitenbush to sign up.

Speaking of holidays coming.

The other day I heard someone in Year of Inquiry mention visiting her parents soon, who lived in another city. Five days in her childhood home.

Her comment about the length of five days?

That it was loooooooong. Likely stressful. Perhaps torturous.

LOL.

It’s not uncommon to anticipate hard moments when it comes to getting together with family, right?

Canadian Thanksgiving just happened last weekend, and some of my Canadian clients had a few words to say about the gatherings held with family.

The holiday season is upon us, even if you don’t celebrate much. There will be decor out there, and invitations. We pack our bags, fly on airplanes, drive many hours, take time off from work, buy gifts, prepare food.

And there those people are. The ones we’re often related to. Being themselves. Just like always.

She’s so critical. He doesn’t try to get to know me. They ignore me. She always has something negative to say. He’s repeats himself. They drink too much. They drink too little. They expect me to cook. He buys too many gifts. She’s too serious. He’s too much of a jokester. They don’t appreciate me.

The same concerns, sometimes ever since childhood, we anticipate happening again. And again. And again.

But what happens if we inquire, instead, and actually take a look at these people using The Work to explore our objections, concerns, fears, anxieties, and upsets?

Is it true they always criticize? Is it true you don’t really belong? Is it true you can’t measure up? Is it true you probably won’t have a good time?

Huh.

No. I can’t be sure without a doubt.

But even if you think you CAN be sure, and those people have been the same for decades so-why-expect-anything-to-change-NOW….

….consider who you are in this moment as you think of family (or whoever–it doesn’t have to be family, it just has to be THOSE people) and you have troubling thoughts about them?

I brace myself.

I think….hmmmm. Maybe I should just stay home. I think about just surviving, or getting through it (not actually enjoying myself). I have an energetic shield up. I’m ready for the incoming barb, or attack, or judgment. I’m defended. I’m sad. I’m worn out. I’m resentful.

So who would you be without your story of these people?

What if you were going to visit them for the very first time, and you had never met them before?

What would it be like to be fascinated with the dynamic, the people, the scene….with no expectations whatsoever?

Who would you be without the thought you know what it’ll be like (and it’s not good)?

Right in this moment while I’m imagining my own family all gathered together and the exercise of seeing them for the very first time with no story….

….I suddenly remembered a lovely inquirer who attended Breitenbush retreat last year telling me she was shocked at the elegance of Breitenbush.

I asked her what she had expected?

She replied she thought it would be two hot tubs in the Oregon forest at the end of a dirt road. She was surprised beyond expectation. Stunned in fact.

Could this also happen with family, if we look at them with no story, using our imaginations to watch, with curiosity, like we were aliens from another planet?

So this inquiry can apply to anything you anticipate in the future. Any journey or gathering. Any traveling plans.

Who would you be if you didn’t have any expectations but were getting an interesting tour of planet earth?

Wow.

I’d be excited. I’d feel full of laughter. I wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want to do, but I’d ask questions. I’d say out loud “what were you thinking when you looked at me that way just now?” or “I’ve noticed that about me, too” or “Hmmm, when you make that comment, I feel worried you don’t like me” or “I have no idea what I’ll be doing next year, do you have a suggestion?”

Ha ha!

It’s so fun to wonder what it would be like as they do their thing, and I’m not stressed about it. What an interesting exercise!

Turning the thoughts all around to every opposite, one-by-one, is the powerful last step.

I turn it around to myself: I am like that to me.

I turn it around to the other: I’m critical of her, I don’t try to get to know him, I ignore them, I always have something negative to say in my head, etc….

I turn it around to the opposite: She’s accepting. He does try to get to know me. They don’t ignore me–they’re including me right now in their own way. She does NOT always have something negative to say. He doesn’t repeat himself. They drink just right, for my own learning and awareness in their presence. They don’t expect me to cook. He buys just the right amount of gifts. She’s serious and it’s wonderful. He’s a jokester and it’s brilliant. They appreciate me.

Could our opposites be just as true, or truer?

You have to find genuine examples you already believe, that you really already know are true.

The reason so many of us do The Work is because to sit with this inquiry allows us to see without our assumptions. We find acceptance of those characters in our lives.

Maybe not just acceptance, but a freedom to be ourselves, and to be happy, no matter who’s around.

Even her. Even him.

“If you think you’re so enlightened, go spend a week with your family.” ~ Ram Dass

If you’d like to get truly transformational support on doing this work of the master, come gather with us in retreat.

Question your stories, change your holiday season.

Much love,
Grace