Relationships are hard.

Someone in Year of Inquiry sent me a great question the other day:

How do I do The Work on my feeling that Relationships are Too Hard?

I just don’t want to even try, because….too hard.

She meant love relationships. Partners. Romance. Attraction.

It’s so interesting how the mind does this….It comes up with huge broad statements about All Love Relationships.

We all do it.

The thing is, I replied to her, you may not find much satisfaction or clarity or awareness if you simply question this general thought “relationships are too hard.”

There are a few steps, first, that make the work far more personal, deep and effective.

If you do this first step, you’ll get your personalized prescription for happiness (which is what you so long for in the first place).

Here’s the step, which I suggested:

First, write down, like you’re journaling just for yourself, why you think relationships are too hard. So hard, you’d prefer not to have one.

Where’s your proof?

What is your evidence for them being so very hard….so difficult, troubling, confusing that you’ve concluded (or a part of you has) it’s not worth the trouble?

Byron Katie asks this question…”where is your proof??!”

Stop being so general.

Notice what your own experience has been that tells you they’re hard, all these love relationships.

What’s so great is….a few hours later, this lovely inquirer replied back that she had done her first-step work.

She had a list of moments or situations in primary love relationships that appeared to be hard.

But mostly, her former marriage was the hardest of all.

That one.

That one was so hard, it seems it would be better to never have had it. Many bad memories, painful experiences, moments of feeling criticized, blamed, hurt, unappreciated. It was especially screwy when it came to money. And this was a huge big concern with other relationships.

The next step?

You can write in your journal again: Make a list of incidents, situations, communications in that previous marriage that were “hard”. If money is involved in your “hard” moments, then find situations where you’ve got proof.

Really hard. Horrible. The worst.

Now….you’ve actually got your real “proof” of truth….your proof of why relationships can be so hard. It’s specific. It’s crystal clear. it’s vivid.

Relationships are hard because “this” (see bad picture in your mind) happens.

This kind of looking helps you find the entry point for The Work of Byron Katie. You need a specific moment or situation. Now you’ve got one.

As you picture the one difficult exchange, incident, situation in your mind….you can write your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet without editing, without holding back anything.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet will be golden, as you write about these situations so full of suffering, sadness, difficulty, and your “proof” that relationships are hard.

I know it’s “hard” remembering these situations in the first place….

….but when you complete The Work from start all the way to finish….

….the hard becomes easier.

A flashlight gets shined on the darkest, murkiest, foggiest places and you see specifically, personally, what the truth really is for you in those situations.

And when you “see” there’s less suffering. And less.

It’s worth it.

Because only then, can Relationships become easy.

Which they are.

My “thinking” about relationships was the hard part.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

For help on any relationship, and going in for the real, deep work….come to Breitenbush Hotsprings in December for 3 days. Find out more right here.