You do not have to be good.

This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.

My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”

In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….

….we feel bad.

And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.

I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.

Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.

Yikes. It really hurts.

And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).

It’s a lot of work.

Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?

I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?

This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?

I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!

It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”

So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.

I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?

I sit and consider the answer.

You can do this right now, if you want.

Pause.

What’s that voice really scared about?

I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.

I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.

I feel very, very sad.

And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?

Called The Work.

First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?

No.

If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?

No.

Even if you say “yes” keep going.

Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?

How do you react when the way you are….scares you?

I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.

A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.

But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”

These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.

A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.

I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.

I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.

And yet.

Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?

Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?

Again, it may be time to pause.

Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.

Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….

….you may just have a good cry.

 

Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.

And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?

That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?

What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.

Simply being.

Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?

I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.