Love Relationships. It’s complicated.
Or so it seems.
So many people come to work with me on relationships. And I’ve done The Work myself on so many people.
Love relationships are one type of connection or story we have huge ideas about….
….and many of them are deeply stressful.
Have you ever thought to question some of those big, horrible, frightening thoughts that are so old, they go back quite a few generations?
Things like in my household growing up.
Thou shalt not sleep all night together, or go to sleeping actuallyplanning on sleeping all night, until married.
Thou shalt not say anything sexual in front of your elders, or refer to sex, or act like you’ve ever been interested in sex, or, lets be honest, make elders aware that you’ve actually heard of sex.
Thou shalt not be attracted to more than one person at a time.
Thou shalt make a vow and never break it.
The funny thing is, all joking around aside, you suddenly realize what beliefs you’ve adopted about primary love relationships, the ones that include sexual expression or attraction, when the “law” is broken that you assumed was in place.
It’s upsetting to have a “thou shalt not” broken by someone else you’re apparently connected to, and it’s also upsetting if you yourself have broken the law.
Right?
With the work, you can question the law, and find out truly what is right for you.
Beyond laws.
Because one thing I discovered fairly early in my life of dating, hearing about commitment, learning about marriage or pairing off, considering living together, spending time alone, spending time together….
….I really didn’t want to be in prison, or for a partner to feel that way either.
Or have it feel like there was a list of what was legal and what wasn’t.
I wanted to feel free. And loving.
And, I wanted to find out what really worked for me in the most deeply honest and authentic way possible. Attraction, not promotion (as the wonderful 12 Step Program says about itself and it’s organizational structure).
I’ll never forget the several times in my life–I can think of four almost immediately–where someone I really liked and assumed I was connecting with said they were leaving, changing, updating the relationship in a way I didn’t like and didn’t expect.
I was devastated.
You shouldn’t change your mind. You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t leave. You shouldn’t ever hurt me, reject me, criticize me, need space, get interested in someone else.
I know. Kind of embarrassing. Not such a free bird after all. Not so easy-going and all-accepting. Not so pure and un-commanding.
No.
In fact, I was livid.
A memory.
I’m dating this new man after getting a divorce that took several years to work through and come out of, with inquiry, a more interesting, powerful, clear person than I ever once was when it came to love and romance.
I still have a few kinks to work out when it came to love, let’s put it that way.
This guy I’m dating has shares with me on one of our three-hour long phone calls, like I’m his best friend, that he had a fabulous weekend and unexpectedly met someone and slept with her.
He’s not even sure of her real name, everyone had wild weekend workshop names. It was fun, but not great. He’s pretty sure he never cares about seeing her again. He feels a little weird and numb. He’s done this kind of thing before, but it never feels that great afterwards.
??????
I practically gasp on the other end of the line. I try to hide the sound.
My stomach feels like I’m going to throw up.
I listen kind of numbly to his experience.
He’s going on about how he felt so weird afterwards and didn’t want to sleep in the same bed all night with her. He was definitely troubled.
Part of me, the one with the Thou Shalt Not Sleep blah blah if we’re dating blah blah it’s very serious blah blah this relationship isn’t what I thought blah blah is having a HEART ATTACK.
I’m practically hyperventilating later, after getting off the phone.
But something inside also is watching and seeing this charade of story go by.
This is not in the Relationship PlayBook of Rules. He is not supposed to be doing this, says a very convinced voice.
Another voice is almost chuckling, saying this is not so bad.
Now, I’m not saying it was fabulous, or that I think the whole thing unfolded in the highest integrity for everyone involved.
However, I saw thoughts screaming to be questioned in that moment, about relationships.
I was saying “Please, God, not MORE about relationship, can’t you give me a little break? Time out? REALLY?”
I was also seeing right in that very moment, there were a few thoughts between me, and peace. Some very old, thick, dusty, sad thoughts.
Worthy of questioning without any motive at all. A part of me that wanted to know the truth. No rules.
He should not have moved to someone else. He should have stayed with me.
Is that true?
Wail! YESSSSS!
But can you absolutely know it’s true?
Well, first of all, we’ve only been on 2 dates ever. He lives in another state. Are we even dating? We’ve made no claim or signed any contracts (not that it would make a difference, really). I’m very clear I don’t want him to meet my kids or come visit me in my city.
Um. Right.
Freedom.
Is it absolutely true he shouldn’t have done this?
Not at all.
How do you react when you think the thought?
Like the floor is dropping out from under me and I have zero support and I’m being abandoned and I’m a victim of a terrible, terrible, terrible situation. I’m a tiny potato. Unworthy. Unloved.
Undeserving.
Jeez.
I played Juliet in the Shakespeare play in college. I actually cried, a tear flowing down one cheek, in one of the productions. That was a PLAY. I was the lead character. I killed myself. This feels like a play, too, somehow.
So who would I be without this belief, that he shouldn’t have done it?
Wait. Seriously?
But.
What about The Relationship Play Book Rules.
You mean.
What if there were no relationship rules about people not doing things like this, and all it means?
How will we survive!?! Won’t we all run around hurting each other constantly, failing, killing ourselves, throwing up, feeling rejected, having hearts broken?
Well, I notice WITH the belief, these things happen, and I feel this way.
So why not try on how it feels WITHOUT this thought?
Without the belief it should not have gone that way. Without the belief it was all bad, all terrible, all hell, all trouble. Without the belief in this being so devastating, drastic, unloving, disgusting.
Who or what would I be without the thought he shouldn’t have done it?
Huh.
I notice this spark of light cracking through a very, very old mountain of thick cloud cover called Relationship Rules.
A light coming in.
He should have done it?
Woah. That’s the first turnaround.
How could that be just as true, or truer?
He should have, because first of all, he did. It happened. I didn’t even know about it until later.
But I can take it much further. He should have done it because that’s his mindset. Something about it felt like his only choice. He should have done it because he doesn’t like committed relationships, he’s said so. He should have done it because he’s exploring and expanding. He’s seeking contact. He wants sex desperately. He doesn’t like rules, and isn’t really a happy person either. He’s also showing me what works for him, what doesn’t, and it’s easy for me to see then what works for me!
I turn it around to myself: I shouldn’t have moved away from myself, and gone towards another person.
Very true. I left myself. I felt super dependent on him and the fantasy I had about us getting closer and becoming a couple (after 2 dates, I know).
I shouldn’t have thrown myself after him, feeling needy, grabby, hungry, alone, hopeful. Way too much reaching towards someone else, and not me.
Turning it around again: I shouldn’t have moved away from him.
Well. I suddenly wanted to get as far away from him as possible and I called him a sick mentally ill pervert in my mind.
Yup. I had imagined he should be different, like some kind of Prince Charming (who followed all the Relationship Play Book Rules of course, taught to me by my parents and culture).
I shouldn’t have been blindly seeing someone I wished for, rather than the real person I was talking to.
The fantastic thing about that whole experience is it didn’t end the usual Relationship Play Book Rules way.
There was no phone slamming down, or screaming and gnashing of teeth (well, OK, for a few hours I was all alone doing that). There was no reality TV show with chairs being thrown and all my friends agreeing how I’d been done wrong. There was no grief period of suffering and being tormented. Deciding never to date again.
Instead, I called friends in The Work all day long, took a “sick” day off work, and literally questioned my thoughts for six hours.
I came out of that a free woman.
Not someone who had to send mental bombs to his area of the world to blow up, or someone who wished terrible things on him, cursing his name.
But completely free. Free to come and go as I pleased. Free to discover what love is, what support is, what loyalty is, what joy is, what openness is, what acceptance is, what forgiveness is, what clarity is. For myself.
I discovered I really love sharing one committed partnership, but not because anyone thinks it’s the “right” thing to do. I’m open if my mind and heart change tomorrow. I loved exploring and learning what worked for me, without old conditioning and outdated playbook rules.
I interviewed and studied other people’s choices, facilitated people with The Work, learned about what makes people happy and unhappy.
(Hint: when they’re unhappy, it’s because they’re believing thoughts they don’t really, really think are true).
A day after doing The Work all day long for many hours on that incident, that situation, I could genuinely say (with only a small whisper of worry)….
….”I am willing to have that happen again. I look forward to that happening again.”
Why?
Because it shows me who not to date. It shows me very cleanly and clearly which direction to move. It shows me the joy other people get in experimenting or testing or making changes.
Every time someone I thought I was committed to (he is mine) has not done as I expected, it’s ultimately opened my heart and soul up to a far vaster and greater source of support and love than I ever imagined.
The Work brought this awareness on in a day. Not a decade.
If you’re suffering from relationship change, loss, abandonment, fear….
….do The Work.
You could be amazed. You might see that Relationship PlayBook go up in flames.
Or, you might realize you love some of those rules, but not because they’re rules….
….but because you love.
“The ego has no options. It can protest all it wants, but if God moves, it moves….As I noticed the falling-away of the self and saw that its construct was absolutely invalid, what remained was humbled through the recognition. Everything dissolved–all that I had imagined myself to be. I realized that I was none of it, that everything I’d stood for was insubstantial and ridiculous. And what remained from that fell away, too, until finally there was nothing left to be humble about, no one left to be humble. If I was anything, I was gratitude.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
My current husband and I will be offering a 3 day retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings in doing The Work, on relationships. We’ll be demonstrating The Work on each other, in front of each other and the power of inquiry between two.
The relationship you bring to this work doesn’t need to be a love, spouse, mate, partner, someone you’re dating, romance.
This powerful work can be done on assumptions, expectations, questioning the Relationship Rule PlayBook for children, parents, co-workers, neighbors, siblings, employers.
This retreat? Winter. December 8-11. We begin Thursday evening at 7:00 pm. Deep woods. Possible snow. Bubbling hotsprings (optional for soaking during workshop breaks). Delicious vegetarian meals. Rejuvenation. Pristine old growth forest. Showers and cabins heated naturally (and incredibly cozy and warm). Silence. Inner work. Sharing.
Two people registering together are $350 each. Normal early bird fee per person is $395 until November 1st. It’s only 3 months away.
Much love,
Grace
