One of the most excruciating, shameful thoughts that a person can have about a troubling relationship or situation is “it’s my fault”.
Even if you know it’s not ALL your fault, and there were many factors involved, your mind will scan the scene for your part in it, what you did wrong, how you could have done it better.
Some of us are more prone to this than others. We may find some control in thinking about how we can fix ourselves, since the rest of the world is hopeless to fix.
It’s not you….it’s me!
I was facilitating a sweet client last week who said that sometimes when he does The Work, he is flattened by the turnarounds….when he finds the opposite to his thinking and the new, opposite concept is very self-critical.
Byron Katie says that every turnaround should feel like a kiss, not a slap.
In other words, if I think “she is a mean, lying, betrayer” and I find the turnaround at the end of my work process “I am a mean, lying, betrayer”….then I don’t condemn myself to hell.
Instead, I see how I am human, and so was she. Everyone being themselves, doing the best they can with what they know.
Everyone is doing the absolute best they can in any given moment. If they knew how to do it better, THEY WOULD. Including you.
The beliefs come into place sometimes at a very young age. The beliefs are all set up based on what we learn and what others have done and what we’re observing from the world around us.
We feel pain or stress and we defend, we get scared, we panic, we shut down, we do whatever we can to brace against our beliefs or our conclusions….
…..and then with The Work we can look again and see if we can find a different viewpoint.
As we look back at situations that are troubling, we can review and understand them differently, by asking the Four Questions:
- is it true, what I am thinking as I remember that situation?
- can I absolutely know that what I am thinking is TRUE?
- how do I react when I believe that?
- who would I be if I couldn’t even have that stressful thought, who would I be without the thought at all?
- turning my thoughts around to the opposite, could that ALSO be true?
It’s never all black or white, it’s never 100% in one camp, or one way.
Every human being has some loving quality or capacity for awareness.
Even that person who was so terrible, and you got in their way somehow….if they knew better how to handle their life situation, they would have.
No one truly wants to hurt others. People seem to be very drawn to love and joy, have you noticed? Some of us get so mixed up when it seems that those around us are unhappy, that we start to think we did something wrong, or we wish desperately we could help them.
Violence, lying, betrayal, judgment, aggression, paralysis….all of these are feelings and behaviors in an attempt to get safe, to get back on solid ground.
There is an assumption that something is terribly wrong and the way to get it right is with force, or secrecy, or attack, or self-improvement (or self-condemnation).
Perhaps we had it modeled to us or we concluded that we need to lie, or be judgmental, or be tough, or hold things in, or attack ourselves and not other people, in order to remain safe, in order not to be terrified.
But what if we did not believe that what happened is anyone’s fault? Not 100%, even if it seems like it and the person did something pretty “big” to change the course of things.
No one’s fault. Not theirs, and not yours….not the universe or God’s fault either.
“The enlightened mind is never separate from another mind, as there really is only one mind (if any). Not ever. The open mind always understands its own nature and is always open to more understanding, in the ever-shifting expansion of its own creation.”~ Byron Katie
Doing The Work and finding your own innocence can be tough. You may feel vulnerable, you may feel small, you may feel so very sad. You may push away the idea that it’s not your fault. It may seem so puzzling that it happened…if it’s not my fault, then why? WHY?!
But you may enter new territory. If you let yourself open to the idea that none of this is anyone’s fault….you may be filled with love. You may take in love. For that other person who hurt you….for yourself.
Below is a 4 minute clip from Good Will Hunting, the beautiful movie of an honest healing relationship between client and counselor. (Thank you Jack for sending it to me).
Who would you be without the thought that it really is not anyone’s fault?
Click here and know I’m giving you a big hug:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYa6gbDcx18
Love, Grace