It’s funny how along the path of life, a sentence, or a few words, or a situation will appear, and profoundly affect us.
There is the flash of someone saying a few words, and then the way they said it, their facial expression, repeats itself as a memory.
The other day I was walking down the street and the face of someone I once knew appeared in my mind.
This happens to people all the time, it’s a normal life event.
Why that moment, in that way, at that hour…we can’t say.
One moment nothing, only noticing pavement, trees, yellow flowers, fence, blue sky…the next moment the memory of that person, then perhaps an emotional sensation.
I felt sad.
Then I felt appreciation, even though that friendship is forever over. I felt a sort of melancholy smile, like all is well, was well and will be well.
A little while later, I looked at the fascinating thought “I felt sad”.
That was a core basic descriptive sentence for what happened after I had the memory image float through my mind.
But the sentence “I felt sad” talks about an “I” and then a feeling, and then what kind of feeling (sad).
The Work or self-inquiry is looking at anything with an open and investigative mind that feels uncomfortable.
So I asked myself…“I felt sad, is that true?”
Yes, that’s true. I am communicating the sensations that rose up after I saw the image in my mind of that person’s face.
That was SADNESS. Yessirree!
My throat felt tight, my stomach felt tight, my heart felt full and sort of broken (whatever that is exactly, I’m not sure).
But if I really try to answer that question….as if I just landed on the planet and didn’t really know anything? If I was coming at it from a very new, fresh place?
I can only say those were sad feelings because I’ve learned that’s what other people call them here.
I’m actually not sure what all those feelings were. Because they shifted and morphed and became feelings of gratitude, and a peacefulness came over me rather than pain.
Can I absolutely know that was true, that I was feeling sadness?
And while we’re at it, what is the “I” that was feeling the sadness, or that saw the image?
Woman walking down the street, outside world, inside world, all of it mixed up together, blending….images popping up, air breathed, images seen with the eyes, images seen with the mind.
Then feelings apparently happening. Sensations in the body moving, being one way, changing to another way.
No. I can not absolutely know that I felt sadness when I remembered that person.
I’m not even exactly sure if there was a solid “I” there in the first place (in fact, I’m pretty sure there wasn’t, even though I keep using the word “I”).
How do I react when I have the thought “that is sooooo sad, I felt soooo sad, he felt sad, she felt sad, they feel sad….”?
I feel more sad. I feel unhappy. I want to help. I want to shift it. I think “oh this is terrible, this is uncomfortable!”
Who would I be without the thought that I felt sad, or feel sad now when I see that person in my mind again?
I’d be curious, open, and absolutely filled with love for that person.
I’d also be filled with love for myself, and the gorgeous day, and the presence and stuff all around me….and all the other little thoughts and images rolling through whatever I’m calling inside and outside of a “me”.
Without the thought that this memory is sad, I’d bask in it and allow it to be here, and tears might roll down my cheeks but it an active, moving, sweet, cleansing way.
I turn the thought around to the opposite “I felt happy”.
Wow. That is TRUE! Could it be just as true, or truer, than believing that what I felt was sadness?
Something moves through the throat, the chest, the face…the breath sucks in deeply to lungs, eyes follow sidewalk cracks, “it” sees, or somehow takes in houses, windows, trees, birds, mental images.
Here with this memory is silence, and joy, gratitude, love.
Nothing more is necessary right now. No live people needed, just the images. It’s OK.
“Clarity does not suffer.” ~Byron Katie
Love, Grace