Month: April 2013

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Willing To Be Hated

The other day I received an email from a wonderful inquirer who had taken my parenting class in the past.

“How do I handle such disrespect!?!” she asked.

That moment when a child, whether age four or age fourteen or twenty-four, says something disrespectful and your reaction is instant, big and full of feeling….what’s going on there?

What is actually so disturbing about this disrespectful moment?

And the reaction is so fast, so strong….it’s like there is an immediate “NOOOOO!” rising up from the inside somewhere.

How dare you say that! You will not speak to me that way! Go to your room! Get out of my sight! You are grounded! Arrrrgghghghgh! 

Not that I would know anything about that kind of reaction. But I’ve read quite a bit about it and seen it in the movies (heh heh).

The most wonderful way of looking at this split second of reacting with the massive No is to break it down in very slow motion, and of course, inquire.

So, here come those words, that facial expression, that behavior. They are expressed out of that person over there (who happens to be someone you love, your child).

If you turned the sound off of the movie, and replayed the moment, and looked at it from every angle…what do you think it means when someone is doing that?

For me, I had to become quite still when considering this, so that I wasn’t reacting anymore. It was lovely to become still. And hard. Something inside me wanted to stay AGAINST that scene, and that person.

If you become still, you can’t be so against the situation. You are more objective, you are looking. Almost like you’re a scientist studying human behavior and wondering what is inspiring this particular kind of behavior.

So what does it mean when that beloved child of yours says that “mean” thing (that you are interpreting as disrespectful)?

Usually, I noticed that when I had the surge of anger, frustration, defense coming through me, I was believing the following thoughts:

  • she doesn’t respect me, and that means I haven’t earned respect by becoming scary, powerful, angry, firm, brilliant or kind enough
  • she is defying me, so she thinks I’m stupid, wrong, mistaken, or unimportant
  • he doesn’t love me, he doesn’t care about me, he is not motivated to have concern for my feelings so this means I am not interesting/helpful/powerful in his life
  • she thinks I am a bad parent, she would prefer another mom
  • chaos is occuring, I don’t know what’s happening, and this scares me
  • he thinks I have no worth
  • I don’t matter
  • she is not doing what I say, so this means I will not get what I want or need
  • I will be abandoned, I am alone
  • I can’t handle this
  • I am not lovable, smart, or mature enough

These thoughts create a deep, sinking, gut-wrenching feeling that almost has no words. The beliefs are all piled and stuck together like a ball of yarn, intricately connected.

The ultimate view of the self is “worthless” or “powerless” and being someone who has no control over this child, this moment, this experience, this commentary.

The thing is, it’s TRUE that we don’t have any control.

Every life lived in its own unique way, with a unique timeline. We can’t save them, or they save us. In the big scheme of things, in the matter of life and death, we are basically powerless.

In questioning these thoughts and looking at them from every angle, turning them all around and considering the opposite views….what does that look like? What happens with our feeling of being so against that moment of “disrespect”?

What if we stop believing that those words, behaviors or actions MEAN we are bad or that THEY are bad or that this is a big disastrous mess?

I notice fear, simple fear, is inside the core of these beliefs. If I look with care at this moment when I am feeling the fear, and look at every thought with acceptance, and turn it all around:

  • she does respect me, she is expressing herself to ME, she is exposing her true inner anger, fear, sadness, terror to ME, she is inviting me in, even if it seems brusque or harsh
  • she is defying me, so she thinks I’m smart, right, NOT mistaken, important–she cares about my opinion, she wants me to KNOW her sincerely and that she does not see things the same as me–she thinks I’m powerful enough to defy
  • he does love me, he does care about me, he is deeply motivated to have NO concern for my feelings because he is finding his own opinions, or knows my opinions are not right for HIS particular world. I am, in fact, very powerful and interesting to him, so much so that he needs to detach himself in order to find his own way.
  • she thinks I am a good parent, she loves me inherently and wants no other mom (I am the one who thinks of myself as a bad parent, imperfect, not doing it right)
  • chaos is occuring, I don’t know what’s happening, and this does NOT scare me
  • he thinks I have great worth, that he has great worth, and wants me to see this as well
  • I do matter, so much
  • she is not doing what I say, so this means I need to get what I want or need in some OTHER way, to take care of myself and show that I am doing this, to model self-care
  • I will always be connected, I am never alone–I am with myself if I am not with my child
  • I am lovable, smart, and mature enough to be in the presence of this younger human
  • I can handle this

Byron Katie suggests that anyone who is yelling at you may need to be speaking loudly for some important reason.

I know with my daughter, I would guess what she liked, wanted or needed before she could even tell me.

I haven’t liked it when someone assumes they know something about me.

I stand before my children and feel what it is like, from the inside out, to be OK with who they are and who I am, even when they are very angry with me.

One of my favorite professors in graduate school for Applied Behavioral Science long ago said in a lecture on Family Systems Counseling “You know what it takes to be a parent? Being willing to be hated.”

Funny, as I do The Work and “allow” them to be furious, or to correct me, or to say what they really feel….they turn out to not need to say it so loudly, or slam a door, or hide from me.

And I’m sure I’ll get the opportunity again to “work” on it.

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.” ~ Byron Katie

One thing I know…is that I want to know everything about myself that is possible to know.

Even if you’re not sure you’re going to like what you find out about yourself, try it anyway. You may find much compassion for yourself, and love.

Love, Grace

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Relax While Falling

Today I happen to be in Boston, Massachusetts. I know its in the news, and no…my particular path never intersected with the Boston marathon, or bombings, or the Red Sox game.

Instead, my contact here was with family. A beautiful funeral, connection with both life and death, being here in the sweetness of people coming together to create a ceremony and love.

Even at a funeral, new life is born. Connecting with relatives not seen in years, learning new things about them.

Last weekend in meditation retreat, I considered death once again, especially since my beloved uncle had just passed.

I love the visual picture of falling through life. As if we are born, and we begin to drop through the atmosphere.

We drop and drop and always, we are falling towards an end somewhere, an unknown point.

Most of us, at various stages, will flail and reach and scream with our arms and legs trying to grasp for something to stand on. Or we hold our breath waiting for impact.

But what if we could relax? What if we could sit back, like we’re lying on a beach, and put our arms up behind us and cradle our own head with our palms.

The “kick back” position. All while falling.

Maybe we’d even close our eyes and drink in the sun, the warmth, or the rain if it were raining.

Falling through life, but without the flailing about trying to grab or brace against the End.

I asked myself who I would be without the thought that I have to find solid ground? That I need to grab, or slow down the fall, or yell, or squeeze my eyes shut and wait?

Who or what would I be if I relaxed? If I just fell, like Alice falling down the rabbit hole, from birth through life?

Nothing to be done. Nowhere to grab. Can’t fix it, stop it, or get out of it.

I remember the James Taylor song “might as well enjoy the ride”.

Today I take a deep breath and hear the silence, and the tapping of my fingers on this computer, and the sunlight dancing through the window.

Yesterday, many people…..today, only me and objects everywhere that are not people.

Both a big wonderful pot of amazing soup of THIS.

Falling (being alive) may be easier in some moments than in others, but when I remember that it is inevitable and beyond my control and natural, then there is nothing to do.

Nothing-to-do has a profound freedom in it.

“But there is the consolation of no exit, the consolation that this is what you’re stuck with. Rather than the consolation of healing the wound, of finding the right kind of medical attention or the right kind of religion, there is a certain wisdom of no exit: this is our human predicament and the only consolation is embracing it. It is our situation, and the only consolation is the full embrace of that reality.”~ Leonard Cohen

Today I relax and leave everything the way it is. See if you can, too.

Just leave it alone for a minute. And you probably will, if you go to sleep or notice how you get up to get a drink of water, or go out for a walk, or talk with someone.

Your mind may grab it back or try to understand it or ruminate on it. That’s OK too.

Let yourself fall into space, into life, into death.

“Be like the Tao. It can’t be approached or withdrawn from, benefited or harmed, honored or brought into disgrace. It gives itself up continually. That is why it endures.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #56

Love, Grace

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You Are The One You’ve Been Waiting For

Today and tomorrow, I get to spend some time with one of my favorite people: Adyashanti.

Or should I say: ME.

Adya is a spiritual teacher, of which there are so many….and he, like Byron Katie, happens to be someone whose words are exciting, gentle, and powerful for me.

But I know that Adya, as well as Katie or anyone else with great integrity, would smile just knowing that I come to sit with them and listen because really, it’s all about me enjoying my own company.

This happened for me in the past in therapy, with a wise counselor, and many mentors over the years. Even authors who as I read their work, I felt so excited and thrilled.

Different people click for different personalities. You may have someone you admire who is a brilliant scientist in your field, or a thoughtful minister of a church, or a creative genius who sings inspiring songs, or an inspirational speaker who moves your heart.

Here in our human condition, there appears to be a wonderful interweaving of input from others, contact with people who move us (even when they don’t mean to) and then a process we’re going through the whole entire time with ourselves.

I would go so far as to say that learning to enjoy, deeply enjoy, my own company is one of the greatest and most wonderful, and sometimes BRUTALLY DIFFICULT things I’ve ever done.

Jeez! My own company has been a NIGHTMARE!

And the funny thing is, you probably know what I mean, right?

That voice, the committee, that never shuts up and comments on EVERYTHING and is excessively critical. Whew!

One time when I was on a meditation retreat, with total silence for meals, no reading, no listening to anything electronic of any kind, no writing…I just about had a heart attack.

I was awake at 3:30 am in a room with ten other people. All asleep. Too dark to go outside (we were way in the wilderness on many acres in deep woods).

I HAD TO LIE THERE DOING NOTHING! Pure torture!

This was not the feeling of being with the love of my life, my favorite person ever. It was NOT the feeling of spending time with my most beloved and steady best friend.

Now I smile, as I remember that difficult time, exhausted with thinking and with silence.

The mind is sooooooo dramatic.

Who would I be without that thought, that being in my own company is uncomfortable, lonely, sad, anxiety-ridden, boring, uninteresting, or painful?

Who would I be without the thought that my mind is a foe, an enemy?

It’s like God is giving me a nudge, as we’re both up there in the sky looking down on the person apparently called Grace Bell, and God says “that person is going to be the most interesting, wonderful, lovable, patient, steadfast, loyal friend…that person is going to take you on adventures and you are going to LOVE her with all your heart!”

How would you live your life if you had the thought “OH BOY! A day of quiet with just me, the love of my life!”

You might notice you are bursting with happiness. You might see that lots of people want to hang out with you (now that you love being alone, it’s hilarious). You might be happy to spend time with all the wonderful people you ever encounter on the planet.

You might even notice that the people who bring up a little spicy flavor, or edgy response, or disappointment, or sadness…you might feel appreciation for those people.

You can certainly relate to them, if they seem bothered by something you’re doing…after all, isn’t that just like one of the ways you’ve been, too? Haven’t you also been bothered and critical of yourself?

There is a term in Buddhist practice called “maitri”. It means to be unconditionally friendly with oneself.

Pema Chodron says that maitri is sticking with ourselves when we don’t have anything, even when we think we’re a loser.

What if just for today, just for five minutes even after you read this, you practice maitri towards your mind, your emotions, all parts of you.

What if YOU are the one you’ve been waiting for?

Your favorite, most wonderful, fabulous, exciting, fascinating, mind-blowing person has arrived in town today! YOU!

“Whatever you have, that’s it. There’s no better situation than the one you have. It’s made for you. It’ll show you everything you need to know about where your zipper’s stuck and where you can leap.”~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Have A Body? Lose Control

Only a few more weeks of the early-registration fee of $295 for the Breitenbush retreat focusing on the issues we have with our bodies….more on that in a minute! After May 1st the registration fee goes up to $350. We have an amazing group forming. The retreat is limited to 14. The fee I just mentioned is the tuition…everyone coming phones Breitenbush to reserve your chosen accommodations (tent platform or your own bungalow?) and delicious meals.

Click HERE to read all about it.

What does it mean to do The Work on The Body?

Well….have you ever had a stressful thought about your body? A thought that when you think it, you experience discomfort of any kind?

Spending some time with the stress about having a body like yours can be quite revealing. Thoughts about the body are so critical, agonizing, and painful…and then, we’ll have thoughts about ourselves and how we really shouldn’t HAVE these critical thoughts about our bodies.

First the thought, as I pass the glass window on the street “gosh, your butt looks too big” or “wow, your face really is looking old these days”. Then the thought “I can’t believe you’re not OVER criticizing your looks at your age, you should know not to care”. Then the thought “I need to relax, take care of my superficial thoughts, handle my health better”.

And so on. The cycle of “thinking” in a compulsive way along the lines of things not being good the way they are.

Especially this body. So imperfect and so frail.

Bodies can be the entry point into awakening like no other. With this thing I live in, called a body, I am aware of my need to be attractive to other humans, my desire to be attractive to myself, my frailty, pain, weakness, the smallness or temporariness of being in this body..death and impermanence.

My thoughts about my body are, in fact, thoughts about life and death. They all lead to the most profound, similar place.

For me, the mind can start spewing thoughts so quickly on the body, it’s faster than a speeding bullet!

  • I wish I were twenty years younger again
  • I don’t have enough time (here on the planet)
  • my hip should stop hurting
  • I need to do yoga, stop aging, have zero pain
  • dying is not going to be fun or easy
  • I hate when other people die
  • I hate feeling bad, I never want to get sick again
  • my face shouldn’t have wrinkles, my hair shouldn’t turn gray, my feet shouldn’t hurt

The list goes on. There are cures, too, around every corner. You can start in on all kinds of ways to “solve” the “problem” of having this condition.

And yet, as I inquire over time, even on the dumbest most mundane thoughts about my body, I get such insight and love for this thing that it becomes simple, easy, and not a source of regret or wishful thinking.

I love being exactly in this body, at this time, at this age, with these little feelings and conditions. It’s magnificent…it’s surrender. I see how it does not take changing or altering this body to experience joy, love, acceptance, connection, intimacy and peace.

Doing The Work on the body leads to the grandest, most wonderful questions and awareness that I am not this body, there is much more here….and that for some reason, this whole thing is temporary.

What if your thoughts looked instead for the benefits in your condition? The opposite sort of experiences?

  • I wish I were twenty years older…I’d be closer to that fun moment called death (or croaking) that I’ve heard a zillion things about but will only experience once
  • I have all the time I would ever need on this planet, in this lifetime
  • my hip should keep hurting, it’s a sensation that’s speaking
  • I don’t need to do anything, I need to keep aging (that would be weird to stop aging), I need to have great pain and notice I can learn to relax with it, and that it leaves
  • dying is going to be the easiest thing I’ve ever done…I won’t even be doing it (finally it won’t be up to me, kinda like life if I really think about it)
  • I experience great love when other people die (so far, always true)
  • I’m open to feeling physically bad, I’m open to getting sick again…there are advantages and I can find them
  • my face should have wrinkles, my hair should turn gray, my feet should hurt…I get to have this amazing aging experience in this life (vs die young).

By having this body, as it does exactly what it does, I get to see how nature works in this particular form. I get to respond to this particular body, I get to feel what reality/God/source is offering through this body.

I get to see how much more I am than this body. This mind doing its amazing thing…wondering, exploring, feeling, sensing. Body and mind and beyond all interacting. A great mystery.

The most amazing thing is how free I am, even with this body. Everyone is.

“Now sweetheart, close your eyes, and go to the place where you are very, very ill….Now see if you can locate the place that doesn’t care. The place that really isn’t bothered by it. It’s there. See if you can locate it—the part of you that is unaffected. The part of you that just watches. Go back to the last time you were in so much pain and see if you can locate it……Go back with it again. It’s a part—no matter how much pain you’re in—it’s witnessing, watching…..Good. That’s the one that cares nothing for control. So let that one grow. It cares nothing for control.”~Byron Katie 

Inquiring into your thoughts about your body, you may find very quickly that you are inquiring about what it means to be alive, and to know you will die.

For me, this is spiritual awakening. Surrender, gratitude…the freedom of not caring.

Do The Work on your body and have a glorious time caring nothing for what everyone else thinks, what you think. (Join us at Breitenbush).

“If you want to become whole, let yourself be partial. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked. If you want to become full, let yourself be empty. If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up.”~Tao Te Ching #22

Love, Grace

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Blowing Oscillating Beliefs

This morning I was looking at my notes from a past teleclass on Earning Money.

My amazing group of fellow-travelers inquiring into Money, Work, Jobs and whatever this thing is called “Business” had a fabulous session in our second teleclass together.

We were looking at what we really, really need with regard to work/money/business.

I need to expand myself, my company, my capacity (for energy, enthusiasm, productivity) or my bank account. I must expand! I must grow! I must drive!

There is such a deep belief, really a whole system of thinking, that I must push myself, discipline myself, organize myself, focus on peak performance, plan, set goals, and dig out what is “wrong” with me in order to GET OVER THERE.

Over there is wealthy, powerful, secure, productive, famous, successful!

Over here could use some improvement. Over here is confusing, messy, chaotic, unpredictable.

I loved it when one participant used the word “oscillate”. I had an instant image of an oscillating fan. Push the “on” button and it starts going back and forth across the room with little whirrs and clicks.

The mind flip-flops the same way. Or shall we say, it blows!

Thoughts going that way, thoughts going this way, spanning the whole entire horizon.

When I believe that I MUST push myself to get anywhere important or positive, then of course I am focused on how to push myself.

I may secretly notice that I don’t really like being pushed that much…nor do I respond exactly to being pushed, some of the time.

Hard to relax completely, hard to force myself to do everything on my list. BOTH are difficult, stressful, not really that fun.

But I have to push, I have to force or cajole, in order to “make” something happen….right?

Otherwise, my true nature is to be a worthless piece of junk laying around by the pool all day. Even if there is no pool!

If I don’t MAKE stuff happen, then I will be offering nothing to the world, interested only in me and my comfort. Interested only in getting through this life as easily as possible, without hardship. Avoiding hard knocks.

One big non-productive lump.

NOT TRUE.

In our class, we all tapped into who we would be without the story that we have to push or make an effort at all, not only just about getting money or building a business or being a great employee….but for any other deep desire.

What a weird, unusual, foreign concept for so many of us hard-drivers!

What a gift, to relax so completely that you get to find out who you would be without the belief that you HAVE to do something?

“The more you can be completely in the NOW, the more you realize that you’re in the center of the world, standing in the middle of a sacred circle.” ~ Pema Chodron  

The beautiful thing is, we all wind up doing things, being in this body in our circumstance, in this place. We have an idea to call a person to ask for a job, or get help from someone to write a resume, or we google something about how to make online flyers, and it’s fun. Or we get up to go to the bathroom. Or go out for a walk.

Life unfolds itself, and money comes and goes.

“I do NOT have to push or force anything to grow, whether with money, or awakening, or learning”—How exciting to find that this is actually truer!

What are examples in your own life that NOT pushing, NOT forcing, NOT being a task-master still leads to growth?

“The Tao is always at ease. It overcomes without competing, answers without speaking a word, arrives without being summoned, accomplishes without a plan. Its net covers the whole universe. And though its meshes are wide, it doesn’t let a thing slip through.” ~ Tao Te Ching #73

Love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting to look at money, work, jobs and business closely, come join the next 8 week teleclass on Earning Money starting in June. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to let me know you’re in. Scroll down on the list below to see all the upcoming offerings!

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This Memory Is Safe

This morning I was remembering an old friend who at one time I loved very much.

I noticed the image entered my mind, I could see the face of the person, even though its been very long since I’ve seen them in real life.

For a moment, before “thinking” really started…I just remembered. There is the sweet face, their fun voice, their smile. The pleasure at laughing, sharing intimate truths, asking questions.

And then (hear Beethoven’s 5th duh-duh-duh-DUM) sadness entered my experience.

Then the image of ANOTHER person I haven’t seen in ages who also caused tumultuous, uncertain, or angry feelings within.

I guess the two people reminded me of each other. And the little sadness visit following right behind.

But with The Work, with self-inquiry and a great interest in truth and in understanding my relationship with life (that has these kinds of people in it) I become curious very quickly about the sad feeling.

  • I miss that person
  • that relationship ended terribly
  • that was a totally unpleasant (or horrible) incident
  • I can’t believe it went that way
  • that person is a whack-job, has a personality disorder, is an addict, is sick, (etc)
  • I shouldn’t have gotten so close to that person
  • I should have gotten closer to that person
  • they should apologize
  • I should apologize

Oh boy.

Wonderful to have inquiry. Being able to look at something that produces even a wee bit of pain, of any kind, is so powerful.

Sometimes, the memories hurt….but if you look at them and inquire, I can just about guarantee that you’ll be better off down the road (or in five minutes) than if you suppress and distract yourself from looking.

So I allowed that image of that person to float there in my consciousness. There they are.

That relationship didn’t end well…or it ended and I’m sad…or it’s just an overall big mess when I think about it….IS THAT TRUE?

Yep.

But can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that it was terrible, shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake or a waste of time, or a tragedy? Can I know that 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No, not at all.

How do I react when I believe that the person I’m thinking of shouldn’t have been in my life, or that it shouldn’t have gone that way, or that the whole thing sucked, or that we did things wrong and made mistakes?

I get so, so, so sad. I get angry, I feel stress, pain, despair, sick to my stomach.

Who would I be without the thought that the relationship I had with that person was terrible, or ended tragically, or wasn’t good enough? Who would I be without the thought that I missed something, I should have done it differently…or they should have done it differently?

I’d be open, empty space. In a good way. I’d be here now. I’d be here, in this body, with a mind that is remembering a person…(which is amazing in itself that we can remember so vividly and so well).

I’d see that person, in this moment, and say “hello”. I’d feel connected to that memory in my head.

I would feel love, reaching across the cosmos without telephones or email or star-trek devices. I’d just notice that love is here, trust and love.

I’d notice how quiet it is in this moment, remembering that person.

In inquiry I would then practice finding the reasons why the opposite of my painful thoughts might be true:

  • I don’t miss that person, but I do love and appreciate that person…I somehow missedmyself in the middle of that relationship
  • that relationship ended perfectly on time, with excellent drama and clarity
  • that was a totally pleasant, entertaining (or fantastic) incident, an amazing story, full of wild and wonderful learning
  • I can believe it went that way, because it did
  • That person is a being themselves, and it’s OK, and my own thinking has been whacky, disordered, addictive and sick when it comes to that person
  • I should have gotten so close to that person, it was incredible and brought me awareness beyond my wildest dreams
  • I should have gotten closer to that person…I held back and wasn’t honest sometimes
  • they should not apologize, unless they really want to for themselves
  • I should apologize, to myself, to them…for all the disruption and fear and anxiety I produced by believing my own narrow-minded thoughts

I love Byron Katie’s words “when someone leaves, you’ve been spared”.

It is a grand, accepting trust in the universe going the way it goes.

That relationship lasted just the right amount of time on this planet, in this lifetime. It is just what I needed, in that period.

Now, for this moment, all that is necessary is the memory and the image of that person, apparently….not their actual body.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Love, Grace

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Who Do You Imagine You Would Be Without THAT Thought?

I was reading the other day about Dr. Franz Mesmer who lived in Paris in the 1700s and practiced a form of healing, as a physician, that he invented…called Animal Magnetism.

People paid tons of money for his healing work. They traveled from long distances away. He created quite a hubbub. So much so that the word “mesmerized” was invented.

He apparently offered laying on of hands, the building of “magnetic” energy, and hypnotic guidance. People swooned and had convulsive fits and instant healings.

Some investigations occurred, and many concluded that his techniques worked because of the power of the human mind to IMAGINE.

There goes that mind again….it’s so creative, so powerful!

Sometimes the scientific, logical approach will say…well, if it’s being imagined then it’s not REAL.

But what is reality? How do we know what is real and what is not real?

I notice that my perception of situations change completely over time. One day, I see the world as sunny, joyful, exciting, adventurous, full of infinite possibilities. Another day, I see the world as dark, boring, annoying, depressing, volatile and uncertain (although strangely enough, that is becoming quite rare, without me trying).

Both are real for me, right in that moment. That’s my particular reality.

And, I have had my experience completely turn around and switch to the entire opposite perception, by changing my mind.

That’s what self-inquiry is all about.

“The world is nothing but my perception of it. I see only through myself. I hear only through the filter of my story.” ~ Byron Katie

What about all the things that happen that seem beyond me, beyond my capacity to create them…those uncomfortable or terrible things, those wonderful or astonishingly beautiful things?

Well. Here’s an interesting exercise. An idea I got from doing The Work and looking at my thinking over and over again:

What if all that happens is within me, not outside of me? What if all of it is born from some mysterious place, creating itself, a fantastic invention, an amazing imagination, and I am connected to it inherently?

The ups, the downs, the frightening, the wonderful….

What if you could question the belief system “I’m just a little peon in this world who has no control over anything? A little victim of this crazy place?”

Who would you be without that thought? If you IMAGINED being someone who is not a little peon with no control over anything, not a little victim, not in a crazy, frightening, terrible place?

But instead what if you imagined the turnaround to be as true, or truer? I am a celebrant of this world that is born out of me, who has no need to control or see anything as horrendous, who opens to everything, who is a magnificent, powerful, loving entity, in an exciting, constantly changing playground.

How would you live your life if that’s what you were imagining?

Maybe your reality would change…who knows? Maybe you would be healed. Maybe you would be totally in love with NOT being healed.

You’d say “bring it on” without fighting it. There would be nothing to argue against.

“The great Tao flows everywhere. All things are born from it, yet it doesn’t create them. It pours itself into its work, yet it makes no claim. It nourishes infinite worlds, yet it doesn’t hold on to them. Since it is merged with all things and hidden in their hearts, it can be called humble. Since all things vanish into it and it alone endures, it can be called great. It isn’t aware of its greatness; thus it is truly great.” ~ Tao Te Ching #34  

Love, Grace

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The Prison of Waiting For A Phone Call

Recently I facilitated a wonderful inquirer on the belief that someone should call her back. I remember well having that thought myself.

Picture that situation….you’ve left a voice mail. You’ve emailed. Perhaps you’ve sent a card or a hand-written note.

You’re pretty sure you have the correct address, the correct phone number, the correct email.

No response. Nothing comes back. Phone doesn’t ring. No email from that person. No text message. Nada.

“In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.”~ Henry David Thoreau 

Without a mind that questions what it is thinking….the unquestioned assuming mind comes up with many scenarios for what might be going on.

  • he is too busy with other people to call me back (he doesn’t care about me)
  • she doesn’t like me anymore (I did something wrong)
  • he is rejecting me
  • she is ignoring me
  • I am hurt
  • they are hurt
  • it would be better if they made contact, I know this is true
  • that unresponsive person is an addict on a binge, out of control, has entered the “using” zone and they are avoiding me
  • he is not safe
  • I need to explain myself, something has been misunderstood

And of course, the mind will try to obsessively find out WHAT has been misunderstood and WHY and HOW.

I loved discovering at some point in the process of growing up, through inquiry, that all these assumptions are totally unknown.

I want it to fall into the “things are good with that person and me” zone for my own personal ego. That may sound harsh. But really, the only reason I want them to call back is so that me-myself-and-I can feel better.

I want to feel better, and the way that will happen is THEY WILL CONTACT ME.

Is that actually true? Really? Are you sure you will feel better? Are you sure that contact with that person is a good thing….better than No Contact?

The first time I did The Work on this concept….I had taken my cell phone into the bathroom with me “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.

I was in the BATHROOM.

I saw myself in the mirror, holding the phone and barely able to put it down, checking to make sure the volume was turned up, ready to speed through my shower “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.

My entire psyche was focused on waiting, wanting, getting, hoping for that incoming phone call.

And something inside me said “this is prison”.

I wanted freedom. I wanted to question the belief that “I need, want, hope, would love that person to make contact”.

Did I need it?

No. I was living my life, having a beautiful amazing day. I was with myself, in an empty little cottage. There was silence, beautiful silence (except for my screaming thoughts). I was alive, awake, noticing the air, the colors, the temperature.

Without the thought that I need, want, hope for a call or think it would be better to get one….then this moment here, without a call in it, is just as fun as any moment with a call in it.

Without the thought that I want a phone call, or that just one text or email would make things better, I notice how incredibly fabulous this is, right here and now.

I get to take nice long, hot pleasant shower, without interruption.

By questioning my belief that someone should contact me…I found out the following startling turnarounds were truer than my original thoughts:

  • I AM too busy with other people to call myself back into sanity in the present moment
  • I don’t care about myself when I’m busy thinking that person doesn’t care about me
  • I am not liking myself in that moment, I’m thinking I’m deficient (I need that call!)
  • I did something right! I left a message, I emailed, I texted, I made the attempts to contact…and now I move on into more fun and love
  • I am rejecting myself, I am not exactly loving my own company in that moment when desperately waiting for a call
  • I am ignoring my own self and how interesting and fun I can be
  • I am not actually hurt…people come, people go, I love them coming and going
  • if they are hurt, that’s up to them to work through that, and they can let me know on their own time (and when and if they do, I can handle it)
  • it would NOT be better if they made contact, because this moment rocks by itself
  • that person has their life to live, it’s not my life. If they are off obsessing or being an addict, or being righteous or angry or unhappy….that’s their path
  • I don’t need to explain, fix, adjust, control or manipulate anything, I can relax and just love

To stop waiting for something is so radical, it’s like breaking out of prison.

Who would you be without your story that you want that thing to happen, that person to call?

“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”~ Mahatma Gandhi 

Today in that moment, that one where you wanted contact (maybe you want it right now) look around and find examples of how you can handle this moment, without that person or that phone call in it.

Find how you are not missing love….love is right there with you, it doesn’t have to come in the form of that person or that thing you want.

Find out how you are supported, how your own company is awesome.

“It’s not your job to like me—it’s mine.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Mean, Depressed Guests Welcome

Yesterday a fabulous group gathered during a very rainy April-shower afternoon to expose their inner painful beliefs about one situation or person….and get to “work” on it by asking themselves the most amazing questions:

  • is it true?
  • can I absolutely know that this belief is true, this thought that I’m repeating to myself?
  • how do I react when I think this thought, what happens in that moment?
  • who would I be without the thought? if I couldn’t even think it?
  • what if I believed the opposite instead—could that also be as true? 

These questions are simple, yet sometimes not so easy to grasp. To some, they seem like a mental mind-game when first looking at it. Or, if you’re like I was, you might think “Huh? what does that question mean? 

Pausing for a moment to answer to the best of your ability, allowing the question to sink in with respect to that stressful concept you repeat over and over in your mind, can offer the most freeing, fabulous experience in the most unexpected way.

The light-bulb A-HA moment we’ve all had one time or another!!

One absolutely powerful experience of doing The Work in a small group of inquirers is that when your own mind is going off on a tangent in answering the questions…or you’re not sure you get how to answer the question…someone else’s answer zings in like a lazer beam and you can so relate.

Yesterday people came with stressful thoughts about the following relationships in their lives: their husband or wife, their lover, their son, their daughter, money, their mother, their boss, their sister.

Even if the people gathered had issues in several areas, they focused on only one.

One never knows….when you do The Work on your mother, you may find that all the issues you have with your boss disappear. When you do The Work on money, all the issues with dating, or sexuality, may change.

Who knows what doing The Work on that one relationship can lead to…it might change your entire life, as you shift your perception from feeling upset to feeling peaceful and accepting.

At the end of the workshop, I read the famous Rumi poem that so many of you dear readers already know.

I read this poem because these thoughts are our guests. They come in to visit. They dwell in our minds for a reason, even if they have been painful. They are here to be acknowledged.

Well, I have found, if they are not acknowledged then they start to get louder. Ignoring them doesn’t work. For me, doing The Work does.

Thank you all, you inquiring minds out there in the world, for questioning your beliefs.

The exciting world of inviting it all in, even if it’s a little frightening, may be changing not only your life….but your neighbor’s life, your family’s life….anyone you can think of.

Yes, even THAT person (the one you prefer not to think of). They are welcome too, just like all the difficult and troubling thoughts.

This being human is a guest house
Every morning a new arrival
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor. 
 
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
 
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet the at the door laughing,
and invite them in.
 
Be grateful for whoever comes, 
because each has been sent 
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

Love, Grace

P.S. We’ll do the mini-retreat again on May 18th. This is doing The Work starting from scratch. Beginners and experienced all welcome. We start with step one and move right through the whole process. From darkness to lightbulb moment.

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Asking For Money Is Tacky?

Many people have written to me with questions about the One Year Program starting in June. One of the most important logistical questions has been “can I make payments, instead of pay all at once?” I just got that figured out, and it’s at the bottom of the webpage all about the program if you click HERE. If you’re eager and you know this is right for you, I’ll make every effort to make it work.

Finances and money and business and earning can bring a whole WORLD of stressful thoughts. Signing up for things that cost something, paying for services, providing services!

Oh man! It’s rough!

I used to think “YIKES! I hate asking for money!! I would do this for free (with my work)!”

Now I certainly don’t hate it, but it’s not always exactly easy-peasy. Isn’t that strange? So many underlying and rather oppositional beliefs about asking, waiting, charging, stating what you want or need.

  • it’s not classy to ask for money, even if you need it
  • people think you’re a loser, or selfish, or greedy, if you want money
  • people think you did something stupid or wrong in your past if you need money now
  • asking is too vulnerable, people might criticize you
  • people think you’re untrustworthy or disorganized or dumb if you can’t pay your bills
  • getting into debt is for people with very bad planning–they should have known better
  • spending money on things you don’t need is wasteful
  • it’s more altruistic to give without asking
  • you better give something of big fat value if someone gives you money
  • if you do something “luxurious” people can get jealous
  • rich people are having more fun than poor people

Just remember, stressful thoughts are NOT LOGICAL. But they still can sit there in the back of the shadows and run your behavior in surprising ways.

About five years ago I was in a workshop about my relationship with money. After several days of writing, looking, examining beliefs about money (like the ones above) we had an exercise assigned to us:

Go out into the street and do what it takes, by asking, to receive six dollars, and then give away six dollars. No explaining to people that this is an exercise. Just “get” six dollars from total strangers.

I just about threw up on the spot. I was NOT going to do that very unpleasant totally tacky exercise. I already felt low about money…this would make it worse.

What would people think?

But I knew that I was experiencing something strong for a very important reason: VERY STRESSFUL THOUGHTS ABOUT ASKING FOR MONEY (see above list).

You know what I was like because of those thoughts about money? Shut down, quiet, secluded, undemanding, not very generous, careful, worried, passive, anxious, never standing up for myself, low passion about work, low-income jobs, not very creative, powerless, hidden, soft-spoken, nervous, bad feelings about myself, and thinking I had little to offer.

I was like a twisted knot of stress. I just wanted money to go away. I wanted to never encounter it or need it at all. In fact, I treated money like a nasty, crazy uncle who needed to stay in the basement.

One of the most powerful life-changing exercises for me has been to question this kind of thinking about money, and my relationship to it.

What if it’s my friend? What if it comes to me like breathing in and out? What if it is beautiful and exciting to ask for it, like asking someone you find very attractive to have tea, or dinner?

Those are the kinds of ideas that began to occur to me when I considered who I would be without the thought that wanting money is bad.

How would you live your life if you turned these thoughts around? What are examples of them being true for you in your life?

  • it is very classy, wonderful and eye-opening to ask for money when you need it
  • people think you’re a winner, self-less, generous, if you want money
  • needing money in the present moment has no meaning about the past or something going wrong…things are adjusting perfectly, you are creative, and you are safe
  • asking is neutral, or a sign of strength, and people might accept you even more
  • people think you’re trustworthy, organized, or smart if you see truthfully that you can’t pay your bills and you’re authentic and realistic about it
  • getting into debt is for people with very good planning, and you can plan your way back out
  • spending money on things you don’t “need” is joyful, celebratory, fun
  • it’s more altruistic to ask, you are caring for your life
  • you better give something of big fat value FOR YOU if someone gives you money
  • if you do something “luxurious” people can get inspired
  • you can have fun no matter how much money you have…even with nothing

What if you lived this kind of relationship with money for the rest of today?

Freedom, joy, happiness, dancing, resting, relaxing, connecting all can happen, even with an empty wallet. Even with a full wallet and a business to run and help to offer other people who are looking for your services.

Nowadays, money lives up here in my house, not in the basement. Money is a delightful, fun, friendly relationship.

It is fun living the turnaround that money is wonderful to ask for. I see how wonderful it was to ask for it when I almost lost my house and had no money left…and then I gained so much confidence watching myself pay back my debts.

If you need time to achieve something, it must be false. The real is always with you; you need not wait to be what you are. Only you must not allow your mind to go out of yourself in search.”~Nisargadatta

“Many of us are motivated by a desire for success. But what is success? What do we want to achieve? We do only three things in life: We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Once we’ve found success, we’ll still be sitting somewhere, until we stand, and we’ll stand until we lie down or sit again. Success is a concept, an illusion. Do you want the $3900 chair instead of the $39 one? Well, sitting is sitting. Without a story, we’re successful wherever we are.”—Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Love, Grace