Recently I facilitated a wonderful inquirer on the belief that someone should call her back. I remember well having that thought myself.
Picture that situation….you’ve left a voice mail. You’ve emailed. Perhaps you’ve sent a card or a hand-written note.
You’re pretty sure you have the correct address, the correct phone number, the correct email.
No response. Nothing comes back. Phone doesn’t ring. No email from that person. No text message. Nada.
“In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood.”~ Henry David Thoreau
Without a mind that questions what it is thinking….the unquestioned assuming mind comes up with many scenarios for what might be going on.
- he is too busy with other people to call me back (he doesn’t care about me)
- she doesn’t like me anymore (I did something wrong)
- he is rejecting me
- she is ignoring me
- I am hurt
- they are hurt
- it would be better if they made contact, I know this is true
- that unresponsive person is an addict on a binge, out of control, has entered the “using” zone and they are avoiding me
- he is not safe
- I need to explain myself, something has been misunderstood
And of course, the mind will try to obsessively find out WHAT has been misunderstood and WHY and HOW.
I loved discovering at some point in the process of growing up, through inquiry, that all these assumptions are totally unknown.
I want it to fall into the “things are good with that person and me” zone for my own personal ego. That may sound harsh. But really, the only reason I want them to call back is so that me-myself-and-I can feel better.
I want to feel better, and the way that will happen is THEY WILL CONTACT ME.
Is that actually true? Really? Are you sure you will feel better? Are you sure that contact with that person is a good thing….better than No Contact?
The first time I did The Work on this concept….I had taken my cell phone into the bathroom with me “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.
I was in the BATHROOM.
I saw myself in the mirror, holding the phone and barely able to put it down, checking to make sure the volume was turned up, ready to speed through my shower “just in case I missed that person’s phone call”.
My entire psyche was focused on waiting, wanting, getting, hoping for that incoming phone call.
And something inside me said “this is prison”.
I wanted freedom. I wanted to question the belief that “I need, want, hope, would love that person to make contact”.
Did I need it?
No. I was living my life, having a beautiful amazing day. I was with myself, in an empty little cottage. There was silence, beautiful silence (except for my screaming thoughts). I was alive, awake, noticing the air, the colors, the temperature.
Without the thought that I need, want, hope for a call or think it would be better to get one….then this moment here, without a call in it, is just as fun as any moment with a call in it.
Without the thought that I want a phone call, or that just one text or email would make things better, I notice how incredibly fabulous this is, right here and now.
I get to take nice long, hot pleasant shower, without interruption.
By questioning my belief that someone should contact me…I found out the following startling turnarounds were truer than my original thoughts:
- I AM too busy with other people to call myself back into sanity in the present moment
- I don’t care about myself when I’m busy thinking that person doesn’t care about me
- I am not liking myself in that moment, I’m thinking I’m deficient (I need that call!)
- I did something right! I left a message, I emailed, I texted, I made the attempts to contact…and now I move on into more fun and love
- I am rejecting myself, I am not exactly loving my own company in that moment when desperately waiting for a call
- I am ignoring my own self and how interesting and fun I can be
- I am not actually hurt…people come, people go, I love them coming and going
- if they are hurt, that’s up to them to work through that, and they can let me know on their own time (and when and if they do, I can handle it)
- it would NOT be better if they made contact, because this moment rocks by itself
- that person has their life to live, it’s not my life. If they are off obsessing or being an addict, or being righteous or angry or unhappy….that’s their path
- I don’t need to explain, fix, adjust, control or manipulate anything, I can relax and just love
To stop waiting for something is so radical, it’s like breaking out of prison.
Who would you be without your story that you want that thing to happen, that person to call?
“Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”~ Mahatma Gandhi
Today in that moment, that one where you wanted contact (maybe you want it right now) look around and find examples of how you can handle this moment, without that person or that phone call in it.
Find how you are not missing love….love is right there with you, it doesn’t have to come in the form of that person or that thing you want.
Find out how you are supported, how your own company is awesome.
“It’s not your job to like me—it’s mine.”~Byron Katie
Love, Grace