This morning I was remembering an old friend who at one time I loved very much.
I noticed the image entered my mind, I could see the face of the person, even though its been very long since I’ve seen them in real life.
For a moment, before “thinking” really started…I just remembered. There is the sweet face, their fun voice, their smile. The pleasure at laughing, sharing intimate truths, asking questions.
And then (hear Beethoven’s 5th duh-duh-duh-DUM) sadness entered my experience.
Then the image of ANOTHER person I haven’t seen in ages who also caused tumultuous, uncertain, or angry feelings within.
I guess the two people reminded me of each other. And the little sadness visit following right behind.
But with The Work, with self-inquiry and a great interest in truth and in understanding my relationship with life (that has these kinds of people in it) I become curious very quickly about the sad feeling.
- I miss that person
- that relationship ended terribly
- that was a totally unpleasant (or horrible) incident
- I can’t believe it went that way
- that person is a whack-job, has a personality disorder, is an addict, is sick, (etc)
- I shouldn’t have gotten so close to that person
- I should have gotten closer to that person
- they should apologize
- I should apologize
Oh boy.
Wonderful to have inquiry. Being able to look at something that produces even a wee bit of pain, of any kind, is so powerful.
Sometimes, the memories hurt….but if you look at them and inquire, I can just about guarantee that you’ll be better off down the road (or in five minutes) than if you suppress and distract yourself from looking.
So I allowed that image of that person to float there in my consciousness. There they are.
That relationship didn’t end well…or it ended and I’m sad…or it’s just an overall big mess when I think about it….IS THAT TRUE?
Yep.
But can I absolutely KNOW that it’s true that it was terrible, shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake or a waste of time, or a tragedy? Can I know that 100%, beyond a shadow of a doubt?
No, not at all.
How do I react when I believe that the person I’m thinking of shouldn’t have been in my life, or that it shouldn’t have gone that way, or that the whole thing sucked, or that we did things wrong and made mistakes?
I get so, so, so sad. I get angry, I feel stress, pain, despair, sick to my stomach.
Who would I be without the thought that the relationship I had with that person was terrible, or ended tragically, or wasn’t good enough? Who would I be without the thought that I missed something, I should have done it differently…or they should have done it differently?
I’d be open, empty space. In a good way. I’d be here now. I’d be here, in this body, with a mind that is remembering a person…(which is amazing in itself that we can remember so vividly and so well).
I’d see that person, in this moment, and say “hello”. I’d feel connected to that memory in my head.
I would feel love, reaching across the cosmos without telephones or email or star-trek devices. I’d just notice that love is here, trust and love.
I’d notice how quiet it is in this moment, remembering that person.
In inquiry I would then practice finding the reasons why the opposite of my painful thoughts might be true:
- I don’t miss that person, but I do love and appreciate that person…I somehow missedmyself in the middle of that relationship
- that relationship ended perfectly on time, with excellent drama and clarity
- that was a totally pleasant, entertaining (or fantastic) incident, an amazing story, full of wild and wonderful learning
- I can believe it went that way, because it did
- That person is a being themselves, and it’s OK, and my own thinking has been whacky, disordered, addictive and sick when it comes to that person
- I should have gotten so close to that person, it was incredible and brought me awareness beyond my wildest dreams
- I should have gotten closer to that person…I held back and wasn’t honest sometimes
- they should not apologize, unless they really want to for themselves
- I should apologize, to myself, to them…for all the disruption and fear and anxiety I produced by believing my own narrow-minded thoughts
I love Byron Katie’s words “when someone leaves, you’ve been spared”.
It is a grand, accepting trust in the universe going the way it goes.
That relationship lasted just the right amount of time on this planet, in this lifetime. It is just what I needed, in that period.
Now, for this moment, all that is necessary is the memory and the image of that person, apparently….not their actual body.
“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46
Love, Grace