I was watching my own video the other day.
Jeez.
What a rambler.
Often, our most critical voices….
….well, let’s face it….
….USUALLY our most critical voices are directed towards ourselves.
We look at us, being us, and we think….
….good grief, ugh.
If I were watching this (and I were another person) I’d find this unorganized, wandering around all over the place, and I’d wonder what the heck is this person even saying?
Dang!
The thing is, most of us then believe these self-critical thoughts are “true” and additionally that they are “absolutely true”.
No other option.
Is there something in your life that you do regularly, where your immediate response or assessment of yourself is that you suck?
It can happen anywhere, any time.
You’re just walking down the street, and you have a thought of that conversation you had with your old friend, or your co-worker, or your boss, or your mom.
You get a sick feeling inside, because you really feel you didn’t handle that situation well.
Or maybe you feel embarrassed about something you did.
Or the way you appear, like I did when I saw myself.
It’s so good to explore this process, and see what’s really going on.
First question: what is TERRIBLE about the “mistake” you’ve made?
What’s the worst that could happen?
Be entirely honest about your worry.
What’s the danger….when someone displays this kind of behavior, words, appearance, “mistake”?
What are you afraid of?
OK, so in my situation, I’m looking at myself on screen rambling away.
What’s the worst that could happen, because of this video, this quality I’m showing and displaying (ramble ramble no inspiring point)?
My answer: other people will also think this, and they’ll miss the message. They’ll reject the message.
They’ll say….what the hell is she talking about?
And go away.
Abandonment. Rejection.
Irritation directed towards me from others.
Every single time I believe I’m doing it wrong, or made a mistake, or appearing like a loser….
….I can guarantee I’ll find Someone Else who might see me through the same eyes.
The next question is…..WHO?
In my case, the people who I think might agree with me that I was rambling on without being clear about my point, are people suffering from compulsive behavior (especially eating)….
….what I’m talking about and the way I’m talking Is Not Helping!
They’ll be disappointed, and leave.
They’ll think….she’s no good, she doesn’t know how to deliver her message, she’s boring, she’s unclear.
At worst, they could not only leave, but spread the word that I’m totally Un-Helpful. They could tell other people to keep away from me.
Yeah, it may seem absurd, but to accept these pictures inside is easier than trying to suppress and attack them and hide them and try to “think positive”.
Because when they’re out in the open, you can take a closer look at the beliefs, and investigate them through inquiry, just to see what’s really, really true for you.
Do you want to know the truth?
So now, because of my own thoughts about me, I can find what I believe others are capable of thinking about me, too, and what would be dangerous about it.
What would their judgments mean for me?
It would mean I won’t have clients, and I won’t have success, and I won’t be a helpful person of service in this world who makes a difference.
From here, I get to see what my mind secretly believes in, that produces pain, suffering and stress.
My belief system here: People will only be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble. They will not receive support if I’m rambling. And I actually need to serve.
Let’s inquire.
Is that true that I’ll only serve if I don’t ramble?
No.
How do I know it?
I’ve been super rambly, I haven’t been clear, and I’ve still served a whole lot of people.
It’s OK to be however I’ve been.
How do I react when I believe in anti-rambling….and I’ve rambled?
Ouch.
Tight. Unhappy. Self-critical. Worried. Needy.
Worried about how to improve or fix myself. Signing up for self-improvement classes out of fear (not out of the fun of it or wanting to learn more).
So who would I be without the belief that I absolutely HAVE TO be clear, direct and never ramble…..in order to serve people?
What if I stepped out of that old mental Dictator paradigm, that the mind loves….
….where it gets crackin’ on the “problem” and solving it without inquiring if what it’s believing is actually even true?
Wait.
You mean I can be however I am, in any given moment?
Yes. Hello!
It doesn’t mean improvement doesn’t naturally happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t re-shoot the video, after greater clarity. It doesn’t mean anything “terrible”.
What if you turned this thought around?
People will only be served if I’m honestly myself, being who I am. They will receive support if I’m rambling. The only way I’ll become clearer about my message and way of speaking is to be myself, authentically me, a human being and not a fake version of someone more perfect.
And, “I” don’t need to serve. It’s not an emergency. It’s not a fundamental “need” like I need food or water. I can naturally serve by being myself, and life shows me what is required, and what serves, and I follow this easily….because it’s the most fun, the greatest joy.
Continuing to explore turning this all around again:
I am the one who will be served if I’m crystal clear, direct and don’t ramble with myself. I won’t receive my own support if I’m rambling.
“I” need to serve the end of my self-judgment, the acceptance of being a human being, the sweetness of enlightenment that’s not up to me.
I am served when people are super clear with me, I notice. I love it when they’re direct.
I also love the flow of rambling brooks, and direct waterfalls, both.
Why would I be against any of these qualities, all of which are present in reality?
Rambling can help things slow down, create a feeling of softness and silence, serve as a reminder that words are not important in the end.
Peace is.
“I’ve come to see that every thought is about identification….Until you come to love yourself, there’s no way to understand that love is the power and hate is not. When people abuse themselves mentally–that’s how we abuse ourselves emotionally of course, with thoughts that just are not true, with the mind that attacks us–You train yourselves to believe that violence is how. It blocks the awareness that love is the power.” ~ Byron Katie in Your Inner Awakening
If you’ve noticed self-critical, or abusive thoughts towards the self, or violence about what you’re like or who you are…..
…..be honest and see why on earth you would really “need” to be different.
What are you afraid you won’t get, or won’t achieve, or won’t be?
Who are you, without these thoughts?
You’re the cutest person ever.
You’re awesome.
You’re a human being.
Breathe deep and be it, and laugh.
Much love,
Grace