Wow, I feel superb after the joyous Eating Peace Retreat.
I get so filled up with joy and connection when I’m on retreat with other people.
Especially through witnessing people slow down, enter silence, and make friends with their minds by questioning their thoughts.
Especially stressful thoughts about eating, consumption, reaching for the *thing* or *activity* that will make things better.
Especially stressful thoughts about memories that enter and re-enter our present moment, unresolved.
So fast, so speedy, so tricky our thoughts about things-that-make-us-feel-better.
They zip by like wildfire, don’t they?
One minute, you’re happy and minding your own business….
….the next, you’re sure that things could be improved if only….
….(fill in the blank with your favorite obsession).
Often, the focus of the attention has a down side.
To put it mildly.
But for this temporary better feeling….
….something inside is whispering, or screaming….
….it’s worth it!
Do it. Get it. Eat it. Chase it.
GO GO GO!!!!
And we do.
And then, that same mind starts to scream again….
….”What’d you do that for! You’re an idiot! Can’t you get this right? Following your obsession or compulsive behavior is NOT WORKING. How many times do we have to go over this?!!”
Yeah, it’s that supportive. (NOT).
I’ve sure you’ve noticed.
The thing is, the self-hatred and blame only keeps the whole thing going in a big vicious cycle.
So what if you just stopped for a second, and wondered….
….what would you have to stay with, or face, or sit still with, or notice, or feel (that’s a key piece, right there–what you would have to feel)….
….if you didn’t chase or reach for that thing that seems to help?
What would you actually feel, without your band-aid?
Wow, the way I used to feel is like my head was going to explode, my insides were turning inside out and a raw ragged desperate pain might destroy me.
I felt fear, terrible grief, panic, rage.
It felt like there was an ocean of feelings on the inside of me and I might crawl out of my skin….or die….unless I Did Something.
Eat, drink, smoke, move, think.
Many years later, when on my first long meditation retreat in total silence….
….the skin crawling feeling reappeared.
Oh. Rats.
Long time no see! I was hoping you were gone forever!
I couldn’t sleep, my stomach was tied in knots, I couldn’t hold still very well in between meditation sessions, and it seemed like my thoughts were literally yelling at the top of their lungs inside my skull in the meditation hall.
I was so nervous about the silence.
Every nightmare I’d ever thought might be true ran through my mind.
Great, I thought.
Just what I wanted.
And I thought I was here to relax.
Thanks a lot, MIND!!!
I HATED my mind, even though I had not taken a super self-harmful drink, bite or smoke of something in order to escape my feelings in quite a few years.
But I HAD stayed very busy, worked a lot, obsessed about getting things done, worried, signed up for self-improvement classes, read a ton of books, and hardly tolerated a moment of silence.
When Silence surrounded me, I was frightened.
So on Eating Peace Retreat, that’s what we do.
We eat in silence, together.
We feel what’s really true.
That we’re in a body that needs just that much food for fuel, and no more.
We can handle the rest of our cravings in another way.
Inquiry.
The Work.
That thing you find truly disturbing? That incident from your childhood, or last year?
The way life unfolds, when it isn’t pleasant?
The only thing I ever find that addresses these experiences like a lazer is self-inquiry.
With other people, gathering together to do The Work helps even more.
You’re supported and you don’t feel alone and isolated.
Someone can be there to say….I know it feels like you can’t handle it, but you can.
You will.
You are.
Have you noticed?
Except for your thoughts, are you OK right now?
“Most of the time we’re either trying to ignore a want (which only makes the want grow) or we’re indulging the want. Deeply accepting the want is the middle way. Between rejecting and indulging lies SEEING–and allowing, and finding freedom in even the most uncomfortable places.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
On my meditation retreat that first time in silence, I wanted to think incessantly about myself and about life, and I was fighting fiercely about myself and about life.
War.
What if you just let all the thinking, your addiction to thinking, your addiction to wanting to understand what’s going on around here, your urge to Know….
….be here?
Oh!
You mean, it’s perfectly OK to have this busy mind?
I am willing to be driven crazy by my own thoughts. I look forward to being driven crazy by my own thoughts.
Why not.
LOL.
Awareness is all that is necessary to dissolve…..everything.
“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to.” ~ Tao Te Ching #74
Much love, Grace