Several readers asked me, after yesterday’s post on Jealousy: How should I handle someone’s jealousy of ME?
Oh boy do I know about THAT stressful belief.
I used to get a very uneasy feeling in childhood, as the oldest of four sisters, that there was some upset because I got to do many things first, that I was better at a lot of stuff because I had an extra year or two on everyone else developmentally, and that I had the most power.
I was the director of many of the games, I literally directed some “shows” and cast my sisters in various parts, and I probably was easiest for my mom to talk with…seeing as I could actually speak English instead of toddler-talk.
It was only circumstances….but still this uneasy, sick feeling of sensing that those other people I loved (my three sisters) were separate from me, looking up to me, comparing themselves to me.
It wasn’t fair.
Everyone agreed. NOT FAIR!
The kinds of thoughts about those other people can start like this:
- She hates my advantage, I started sooner
- He feels inadequate around me
- She thinks she is less beautiful than me and it troubles her
- He thinks that if he were as confident as me, he’d feel happier
- She thinks I am closer to the boss (or mom, or dad, or that other friend) than she is
- He thinks I am more spiritually advanced, peaceful, calmer than he is
- He thinks I am more successful than he is
- She thinks I am more creative than she is
And what is actually BAD about all this occurring? What is troubling about these people in our lives comparing themselves and finding themselves falling short, in our presence?
For me, it feels sad. I feel disconnected. Out in a field alone.
“It’s lonely at the top”. Probably coined by the oldest child in a family.
But is it true? Are you sure it’s really, really bad when someone else is looking at you through green-monster eyes?
There they are, being themselves, jealous as all get-out. Do you need to suppress yourself, change your ways, watch out for the danger of their meanness, or stay wary of their vicious attacks?
Do you have to stop loving them? Withdraw yourself from their presence?
Who would you be without the thought that they can hurt you, if they feel jealous? Who would you be without the thought that they can bring you down, “make” you feel sad, or create bigger disconnection, war, problems, conflict, negative experiences?
Their jealousy is BAD NEWS….is it true?
No. I look at them all and their dear, darling faces…everyone doing the best they can with what they know and who they are…and I have huge compassion for being where they are.
My heart is open and full with love for them. If they can’t comfortably accept it…that’s OK too. They need to be who they are.
Getting away from me might be the best thing that ever happened to them. No more comparison, no more falling short.
I turn it all around: He doesn’t think I’m better, she doesn’t think I’m better…I don’t have any advantages or extra specialness…everyone has their own perfect path…there is no true comparing, every journey very unique, and ultimately none of it matters.
Even if I am the only one to feel appreciation for that incredible person who is in the moment experiencing jealousy of me, that’s OK.
Even if they are hell-bent at my destruction, or obsessed at hoping for my failure, or hurting themselves through their own comparison….even while they are suffering, and maybe blind to their own beauty….I have great compassion for their experience.
I remember what it’s like to feel like I am not enough myself. It hurts, even if it’s a lie.
“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy
I feel the love for that person, and then move on, that appears to be the most peaceful thing to do.
It will be sweet as can be if they come with me…but if they can’t, or won’t, then that’s really OK too.
I remember how hard that was to not believe at the most core level that all is well, that love is the greatest power of all, and that no one is truly threatening.
Love, Grace