Compared to her, or him…..you really aren’t in the game. Not a contender. Not measuring up. Not even sitting at the table.
I mean, did you see this other amazing person??!
She/he is so incredible, off the charts, out of the ballpark, beyond brilliance. You don’t even have a single chance.
Um. Hello. (Waving hand in front of your face). Hello? Hello?
Oh, for a second I thought you were unconscious!
As in….you were very lost in feeling less-than (or like a piece of dung, to put it more viscerally) as you gazed upon this other person who is a genius, and gorgeous, and successful, and wealthy, and succeeding in every way possible.
What was up with that?
Why did you start comparing yourself so critically? And put yourself in the lower-than-jello type position? What happened there?
The reason I can see when someone is doing this, when they use comparison language or talk about themselves poorly….
…is because I’ve done it myself.
It happened not long ago, and it wasn’t the first time.
I’m a member of an audience. We’re talking and all abuzz, waiting for our idol (er, I mean mentor) to come on stage to give a speech.
She walks down the aisle right past me to the left, greeting people fairly quickly, smiling. She is more beautiful in person than online where I’ve seen her many times on camera and video. She’s vibrant, shaking a few peoples’ hands, running up to the stage, laughing.
I have a sinking feeling, rather than a full, uplifted feeling.
I am Not Her. Nothing like her. Never will be.
Blech.
Oh. I almost forgot. There’s The Work.
I should just do The Work on myself and what a loser I am, what a dork, what a failure, someone who never gets to that other high level.
Um.
The thing is. When you have this voice running (which so many of us seem to do) that same voice will direct you to do The Work on yourself, so you get fixed ASAP.
Even in this situation, I’ve found it to bring more clarity and freeing results to still look at that other person, who happens to be better than me this time, and write down all my thoughts.
I am upset (envious, jealous, afraid) in this situation because she is so far beyond me in success, it’s overwhelming.
Keep writing out your JYN. Write on that genius of a person, not you, who is doing it right.
How do you want her to change? Maybe pay close personal attention to you? See what you might demand about this person, if you had your way? How could she help you fix your inadequate feelings inside?
Be ridiculous, petty, childish.
What do you advise for her? What should she do? What shouldn’t she do?
Again, be unedited in your writing.
She should take me under her wing and show me exactly how to become as successful as her. She should tell me all about her life. She should be my good friend. She shouldn’t ignore me. She should show me she’s human.
In order to be happy, I need her to….what? What do you need her to do, say, think, feel in your presence so that you feel happy instead of frightened, or envious?
I need her to consult me for wisdom, to connect with me, to tell me her secrets, to tell me about how her mind works, to invite me over for dinner. I need her to ask me questions. I need her to be curious and intrigued with me.
She is bright, funny, clever, gorgeous, wealthy, successful beyond my wildest dreams, perfect.
I don’t ever want her to make me feel like success is not for me, impossible and out of reach by comparison.
Oooh.
That’s kind of an embarrassing worksheet to share.
All the more reason to actually share it.
This worksheet is one you can write when you want to attack yourself for being worse, lousy, inadequate, wrong.
Instead of beating yourself to a pulp on paper, look out there at that other incredible person you find is doing it in the best way possible. The one who is not you. The opposite of you, perhaps.
Allow your mind to go nuts on paper as you gaze upon this person who is so fabulous (vs the usual JYN full of mean thoughts about someone else). This is just the other side of the same coin, only you are the one in the low position this time.
Many of us start to tell this story….
….and it’s a great one to question.
We do The Work on it in the next Grace Note, and see what happens.
Much love,
Grace