She’s so much better than me

comparison
Look what she has, that I don’t have. This is awful.

Compared to her, or him…..you really aren’t in the game. Not a contender. Not measuring up. Not even sitting at the table. 

I mean, did you see this other amazing person??! 

She/he is so incredible, off the charts, out of the ballpark, beyond brilliance. You don’t even have a single chance.

Um. Hello. (Waving hand in front of your face). Hello? Hello?

Oh, for a second I thought you were unconscious!

As in….you were very lost in feeling less-than (or like a piece of dung, to put it more viscerally) as you gazed upon this other person who is a genius, and gorgeous, and successful, and wealthy, and succeeding in every way possible.

What was up with that?

Why did you start comparing yourself so critically? And put yourself in the lower-than-jello type position? What happened there?

The reason I can see when someone is doing this, when they use comparison language or talk about themselves poorly….

…is because I’ve done it myself.

It happened not long ago, and it wasn’t the first time.

I’m a member of an audience. We’re talking and all abuzz, waiting for our idol (er, I mean mentor) to come on stage to give a speech.

She walks down the aisle right past me to the left, greeting people fairly quickly, smiling. She is more beautiful in person than online where I’ve seen her many times on camera and video. She’s vibrant, shaking a few peoples’ hands, running up to the stage, laughing.

I have a sinking feeling, rather than a full, uplifted feeling.

I am Not Her. Nothing like her. Never will be.

Blech.

Oh. I almost forgot. There’s The Work.

I should just do The Work on myself and what a loser I am, what a dork, what a failure, someone who never gets to that other high level.

Um.

The thing is. When you have this voice running (which so many of us seem to do) that same voice will direct you to do The Work on yourself, so you get fixed ASAP.

Even in this situation, I’ve found it to bring more clarity and freeing results to still look at that other person, who happens to be better than me this time, and write down all my thoughts.

I am upset (envious, jealous, afraid) in this situation because she is so far beyond me in success, it’s overwhelming.

Keep writing out your JYN. Write on that genius of a person, not you, who is doing it right.

How do you want her to change? Maybe pay close personal attention to you? See what you might demand about this person, if you had your way? How could she help you fix your inadequate feelings inside?

Be ridiculous, petty, childish.

What do you advise for her? What should she do? What shouldn’t she do?

Again, be unedited in your writing.

She should take me under her wing and show me exactly how to become as successful as her. She should tell me all about her life. She should be my good friend. She shouldn’t ignore me. She should show me she’s human.

In order to be happy, I need her to….what? What do you need her to do, say, think, feel in your presence so that you feel happy instead of frightened, or envious?

I need her to consult me for wisdom, to connect with me, to tell me her secrets, to tell me about how her mind works, to invite me over for dinner. I need her to ask me questions. I need her to be curious and intrigued with me.

She is bright, funny, clever, gorgeous, wealthy, successful beyond my wildest dreams, perfect.

I don’t ever want her to make me feel like success is not for me, impossible and out of reach by comparison.

Oooh.

That’s kind of an embarrassing worksheet to share.

All the more reason to actually share it.

This worksheet is one you can write when you want to attack yourself for being worse, lousy, inadequate, wrong.

Instead of beating yourself to a pulp on paper, look out there at that other incredible person you find is doing it in the best way possible. The one who is not you. The opposite of you, perhaps.

Allow your mind to go nuts on paper as you gaze upon this person who is so fabulous (vs the usual JYN full of mean thoughts about someone else). This is just the other side of the same coin, only you are the one in the low position this time.

Many of us start to tell this story….

….and it’s a great one to question.

We do The Work on it in the next Grace Note, and see what happens.

Much love,

Grace

Who would you be? Happy.

jealous
If you feel unappreciated…..question it

Recently I found out someone who took a course with me was about to teach a course of his own using the same exercises and topic. He set the fee at the same exact rate, and the course was the same exact amount of weeks.

Honestly, I have no idea what to think about this kind of thing.

It’s a complete honor to have someone feel the exercises I’m offering are so good they want to use them.

The Work is also free. Everything of true value is accessible to anyone and everyone. No course is required for freedom. No course is required for human peace.

What is my little thought, the thing that feels weird about it, where I thought I needed to say something.….but what?

I knew what to do first.

Write down my brainstorm of thoughts, especially the stressful ones.

  • I worked my ass off, through suffering, and through recovery, to discover these exercises–he should think up his own work instead of copying mine.
  • He’s doing better than me, he’s delivering my work to many people, he’s more successful, he’s winning
  • I have personal transformation, and so much to offer, yet other people do it more extensively and with more confidence
  • He shouldn’t have signed up for my course just to get all the curriculum (he was deceptive)
  • I need him, and the world, to honor and respect and include me instead of leaving me out
  • He is sneaky, stealing from me, he used me
  • I’m not good enough, I’m not charismatic enough, I’ve got some kind of problem reaching others (he doesn’t)
I felt sooooo much scarcity, so much competition.
And what’s more is, I loved this guy and he was such a great participant in the program. (But he’s a liar!)
Whew.
Have you ever felt competition with someone else in your life, or jealousy, less-than, disappointment, or the sense of not being acknowledged, left out, withheld from, or stepped over?
OK, let’s do The Work.
Find that situation in your life where you felt this with someone.
Is it true, in that situation with that person, that you’re being copied and at the same time Not Acknowledged? Is it true that this other person’s success means you fail?
This happens a lot when someone feels rejected because of being “left” in their relationship for someone else, and then they see their former partner with a new lover.
They’re wrong. You’re missing out. You lose. It’s their fault, or even if you know it isn’t, you hate them anyway.
There they are, enjoying themselves together, and you’ve got no one, you’re not doing it right. You weren’t acknowledged, or included. You weren’t appreciated.
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely sure it’s true, really?
No.
How do you react when you believe it’s true that you’re missing out, or someone deceived you?
Oh man.

 

The way I react is total beeline focus on that person and wondering why they get the goods, and not me. Over and over again every day thinking this! Sad, upset, feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself. Furious at that person and how great they’re doing. Hoping that person does horribly, has a bad experience, and doesn’t succeed as much as they hoped (hoping they’ll also feel pain).

 

Yikes.

 

It’s embarrassing on top of it to even admit the immaturity in the thinking, the urge to withdraw, to never speak up, to shrink.

 

But who would you be without your thoughts about that other person, and about yourself?

 

Who would you actually be right now without the belief someone’s stealing from you, or you aren’t appreciated? Without the thought you’re missing out, and they’re succeeding? (And this does NOT mean you won’t say something to the person if it’s wise, mature and loving)?

 

Who would you actually be, right now?

 

Bam. Instantly I’m back inside my own body, in my own surroundings, full of curiosity and wonder.

 

I am supposed to be here, to be me doing the courses I do which seem to have a never-ending creativity to them. I am supposed to be this–because I am.

Without my troubled thoughts of scarcity and competition, I’d be open, curious, excited, noticing what my passions are.

I’d also remember how much I’ve gleaned from others I’ve studied–in fact, maybe everything I ever create a curriculum around is a collection of information from others. Nothing’s actually original.

Turning it all around:

I am appreciated, by me for the work I love to do, and by this man who loved my curriculum. He shouldn’t think up his own work, he should copy mine (it’s that good)! I’m doing just fine, sharing, working with people, enjoying this thing I call “work” immensely.

Oh lordy.

Who would you be without your fear of losing, of comparison, or of having others steal your material?

Happy.

If you’d like to join a small group for six Wednesday mornings from 9-10:30 am, we’ll be taking a sweet dive into some of these strange stressful concepts that arise within when it comes to others.

We start tomorrow!

Module One: Relationship Happiness, What Do You Believe? Find Out by Identifying Clearly What You Think
Module Two: What Should Be True (That Isn’t) and Using Your Imagination to Turn Your Beliefs Around

Module Three: Fear, Loss, and Dependency–Questioning the Pain of Avoiding the Future, or Resenting the Past

Read about the course HERE and register, too (only $297). I’d love you to join me.

Much love,

Grace