Yesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….
….and feeling like they are so awesome, and you are a peon.
They are a Rock Star in your particular dream. It doesn’t mean they are an actual rock star, your R.S. might be the Queen of England, or the woman who started a plumbing company.
But this sinking feeling that they’re completely rocking the proverbial stadium….
….and you? Not so much.
Now what’s up with that?
Comparison Devil on the rampage!
And oh so helpful to tap into your inner teenager or child self that feels like a tiny insignificant potato, and allow yourself to download the thoughts on paper that feel so stressful.
Just beginning the process with sincerity, actually listening to the part of you that feels bad, is a powerful exercise in clarity.
Let’s dig into a thought that appeared on my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from yesterday: she’s better than me. (And if you missed the Grace Note I shared, it’s right on the Grace Notes tab at www.workwithgrace.com where these all show up to refer back to any time).
What does this mean, though, about me, in this particular Rock Star Over There situation?
Because there are a gazillion people better than me at many things, but I’m not stressed out about it: Chess players, presidents of big organizations, tennis players, golf pros, chefs, real estate brokers, CEOs, sailing champions, cancer researchers, farmers, builders, charity fundraisers.
All wildly beyond me in skill and practice. I don’t even know how to play chess.
But my level of stress about it?
Zero.
I notice, the Comparison Devil comes along when something about that other successful person interests me. A deep, personal interest. Something perhaps I’ve dreamed of myself. Something I’ve longed for.
Something I want.
I believe, over there, that person is successful and happy. And I myself am suddenly NOT.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (pick your ideal image).
People do this kind of thinking all the time when it comes to body image. I’d be happy if I were thin….like him, like her. I can’t get there, though. So therefore….I’m not happy now.
In my situation where I was looking all of the sudden through Comparison Glasses, I saw her as gorgeously dressed in tasteful clothing I assumed to be expensive, and I saw her as unafraid to be on stage, a peak performer in business and motivational change, raking in tons of money for her creative work.
Yikes. (How embarrassing).
Let’s inquire.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (in my situation, a self-made multi-millionaire).
Is it true?
DUH.
Of course it’s true!!
I know, I know. It was a very, very quick answer. It’s never occurred to me it wouldn’t provide immense happiness to be a self-made author/speaker type millionaire person.
But can I absolutely know this would bring happiness?
LOL.
No.
I’d still have me, myself and I here in my living room whether I had $6 in the bank or $6 billion. I’ve also met several very wealthy people who were not happy in the least. It SEEMS like it’d be safer, or more relaxing, or easier, or make for less work, and bring pride, joy and excitement….but I have no idea if the money would be creating the happiness, or my thinking.
OK FINE! I already know the thoughts, or their absence, create happiness, not the money.
So…no. I can’t know it’s true that if I had what she has, I’d be happy.
How do I react when I believe she’s so brilliant and I’m unaccomplished by comparison?
Sad.
Hopeless even.
I don’t want to keep hanging out in her presence. I want to get away. I want to give up. I say “screw it” about my own interests or goals. I treat myself like I’m unimportant, or worthy of abandoning.
So who would you be without this really difficult stressful story?
Without the belief if I had that over there, I’d be happier? Without thinking if I was more physically fit, taller, lankier, elegant, wealthy, poised, articulate, strong, good at negotiation, funny like that….
….I’d be happier?
Some people wish they were younger, more beautiful or handsome, joyful, adventurous, or they were married or partnered.
What if it couldn’t cross your mind that having that would make things better?
Phew. Wow.
That’s amazing to be without that belief, even for a second.
What if what YOU are is the most perfect, brilliant, genius, and beautiful way you could possibly be for your place in reality?
What if there were stunning advantages for being you, and no one else, that haven’t even occurred to you?
Turning the thought around: I would be happier….if I were me, in this moment, in this situation. This age, this income, this appearance, these old worn jeans, these converse tennis shoes, this hair, this quietness, this introversion, this heart.
I’m in the audience. It’s fun down here. I get to watch and sit in the darker place. I’m not in the spot light. I don’t have to deal with adrenaline. I have very few expenses. I’m content with staying put. I love that I’m never leaving my little cottage (as far as I know) and have lived now in the same place for ten years–and that’s the longest I’ve ever lived in one home. Ever.
I like my shoes. I like things being comfortable. I like moving along the timeline of life. I don’t want to live forever on planet earth, I want to move to the next adventure just like everyone else, when it’s time. I love the wisdom and peacefulness of getting a little older and wiser. I love approaching the highly respected position of “elder” in my community (still a few years away perhaps, but on my way).
Turning it around again: I’m happy enjoying this other person. I see them, through my eyes, as exciting, wonderful, normal, fun, human, inspirational, providing service, being real. Seeing her reminds me of what I love about human success and achievement. Incredible.
Can you think of advantages for you being you, in your position….and that other person being them, in their position….and how perfect it is in reality?
What is really, deeply important about being who and where you are in life?
I am willing to be this, who I am, shining my own light just the way it is….nothing more or less.
I look forward to being this, and seeing where this goes.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Reality rules. It’s the biggest Rock Star of them all.
“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job. Then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24
Much love,
Grace