Lately, I’ve noticed a recent trend of inquiry around comparison, jealousy, envy, worry about not achieving or losing out or missing the boat.
Individual clients, small groups I run, Year of Inquiry members.
Last First Friday Inquiry Jam (open to anyone and everyone–if it works for your time zone, we love having you)….
….we had two interesting and very stressful thoughts inquirers shared that were also close to this same kind of comparison suffering. They both had to do with situations with primary love partners where more attention was desired from the Significant Other.
Without the attention or love you prefer, what happens?
Disappointment, even fear.
I really want the love. I want the attention. I want the romance, curiosity, pleasure directed towards me.
The mind starts wondering WHY the person doesn’t appear interested. Maybe he doesn’t want to come be with me, or do this activity with me, because he prefer being with someone else?Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he’s not interested, or bored, or finds me tiresome? Maybe he’s discovered I’m not who he thought I was?
The very same thoughts appear within, the same kinds of feelings, as in the Comparison Thinking I’ve described before.
If only I was better, more fun, more lively, a beacon of attraction. If only I was more confident, sexy, funny, intelligent, charismatic. If only I was a success.
There’s a great question to ask, to dig into discovery of where this track of thinking is born. Because really, when you’re full of self-criticism or self-defeating thoughts about yourself….this is only a reaction to another, more fundamental stressful belief.
The question to ask is this: What would I have, if I got the attention I’m seeking?
Another way to put it is….What would it give me? What would I know or think was true, if I got this attention, this connection, this sharing time, this love, this approval? What would it prevent or avoid or keep away, if I received it?
If I got the love (you know what it would look like if you got it) you’d feel…..what?
This exercise can be done with money, or attention of any kind, or support, or recognition.
When I get it, I’ll be happy (safe, secure, proud, rewarded, admired…you pick your equivalent of “happy”).
But is this true?
If my boss didn’t promote her, instead of me. If my mate looked at me with appreciation. If the publisher said we’re moving forward immediately with your book. If my body were thin, pure muscle or youthful. If I suddenly reached nirvana.
I’d be happy.
Are you sure?
Jeez. What a strange question. It seems like I’ve been seeing these stepping stones to happiness all my life.
But can I know it’s true if I had THAT….I’d be happy? Relaxed? Content? Secure?
I have no idea.
It’s very odd to realize, I don’t know if I had that, or got it, I’d no longer experience dread, or emptiness, or worry, or fear. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d encounter hardship and difficult times and experience all these feelings, just being alive, throughout my existence.
I notice WITH the thought/belief that something will bring me happiness (partner, money, recognition, fame, awakening) I’m hunting it down. I’m working on strategies to get there. I’m constantly seeking. I’m swinging between despair and hope.
Ugh.
Who would I be without this story that having “x” would bring happiness?
Now, this is a remarkable idea. A truly amazing meditation.
You mean, what if I didn’t actually need my partner to be like I want, or money to do what I prefer, or to earn some special reward or status, or to achieve a state of mind….
….to be happy right now, in this moment?
Turning it around: I do NOT need this imagined scene, or experience, or condition in order to be peaceful, relaxed, accepting, loving, safe….happy.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Any examples, no matter how small, can work here.
Following the lovely inquirer’s from the First Free Friday call, let’s look at this turnaround with respect to wanting someone’s attention, love, or connection.
So, I do NOT need this person to say “yes” or act more attracted or be any different than they are.
Can you find examples?
“What would you be without this sad, sad story? He could never know who you really are anyway; it’s not possible. I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now. Once we start doing that, we become so lovable that our children [our partners] are attracted to us. They have to be. The storyteller’s mind, the projector of the story, has changed, so what you project as a world has to change. When I am clear, my children [my partner] has to love me; they have no choice. Love is all that I’m able to project, or see.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 44
Yes, I can find examples. I’m sitting in the present moment, noticing air and breathing in, I feel the ground beneath my feet as I stand, looking at the one who is apparently my partner. I feel the joy of being alive. I’m not physically suffering in any way.
You can keep going, finding examples of what is true in your situation. How is it you are happy, except for your thinking (in spite of your thinking)?
Turn the thought around again: I need my own attention, love, respect, security….for myself, for being me. My thinking needs these things from an outside source, called a mate or partner. But only my thinking (and it’s not the Great Authority, I notice).
Yes. I see the freedom, and even laughter and joy, if I don’t believe I need love from someone else in this world. If I don’t believe I need money in order to feel secure. If I don’t believe I need a thin, or healthy or perfect body in order to feel proud. If I don’t believe I need something outside of me in order to be happy (even enlightenment).
What if I were absolutely OK the way I am right now, right now, now, now. What if there was nothing I could do
“How can your husband be the problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 50
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Two 2017 retreats coming up in Seattle:
1) January 19-22 is the Eating Peace Retreat, a profound inquiry experience into our bodies, what’s happening when we feel like eating for something other than physical hunger, and what the true core beliefs are around our eating (that often have nothing to do with food)….and how to change them. Everyone gets to eat in a profoundly peaceful way through guided peaceful eating. We will do art, movement and inquiry, and interrupt the patterns of compulsion, habit or fear. Repeaters and Year of Inquiry members have a special rate.
2) May 11-14, 2017. This four full-day retreat (starts 9:30 am May 11) is already filling–the earliest it’s ever filled. We will meet for four days of inquiry for people at the Advanced Beginner level or more (email me for a conversation if you’re not sure or have questions). Year of Inquiry people attend this retreat (full YOI for no extra fee). We’ll be focusing on Living Turnarounds so you leave with your own new practice of joy and transformation.
Both these retreats meet in the special Kenmore lodge in the far northeast Seattle private location. Some rooms available for overnight stay, please write to ask. First come, first served.