People who experience addictive behavior, eating of course, but also all the other ways we humans get caught in a cycle of anxious movement….
….are all very familiar with the internal voice of self-criticism and blame.
You did it again? What’s wrong with you? This is never going to stop, can’t you figure it out?
You will pay!
It’s mean, vicious, nasty and you wouldn’t wish that voice on your worst enemy. Or, maybe ONLY your worst enemy, but certainly no one else.
What if that tendency to attack yourself for your urges, cravings or behavior is actually a ploy to keep you endlessly unconscious? Or still at war, and still trapped in the cycle of trying to “pay” for your behavior and find even ground?
Maybe there’s another way (there is).
Maybe pushing the pause button on figuring yourself out or fixing yourself or hating yourself….and being one big self-improvement project….is the easiest way.
I strong suggest finding new responses to your compulsions.
Maybe some compassion, softness and love.
What’s one of the best ways to do this? Connect with others, share your experience and your thoughts.
it’s not easy to be angry….but a powerful practice to learn, to get brilliant at, to feel without regret
I love The Work and all forms of self-inquiry. I love mindfully and compassionately questioning beliefs and assumptions.
But once upon a time early on, I was painting myself into a bit of a corner when doing The Work, without realizing it right off the bat.
It’s something I’ve observed happening, sometimes, with self-inquiry that’s NOT necessarily a true taste of freedom.
OK, OK….the reason I mention this is because I did it for several years! Fine!
(Which of course, when you question it, is the amount of time it was supposed to take to knock it off….no slower, no faster).
The thing I was doing that didn’t bring much freedom?
It’s called….trying to be peaceful, blissful and happy at all times, with everyone, and using The Work with the motive to NOT feel emotional pain, to NOT discover you need to make amends, to NOT realize you were wrong, to NOT lose your identity or “your” belief system
We don’t need to go THAT far.
Doing The Work was for me primarily using The Work when extremely shaken up, or in obvious conflict with what was going on. Not about anything mildly disturbing. Those things, I would just say “no biggie” about and brush them off. And wish I could do the brushing off thing with ALL disturbances.
Sometimes, I’d also do The Work with troubling events and situations just enough to take the edge off and get back to even-keeled. As they say for those sailing across great expansive waters.
For me, it was as if grief, heart-break, big changing feelings, anger, passion or suffering were BAD and were signs that something went WRONG.
Oh…there’s a rain storm? I want sunny shores! And let’s not even talk about hurricanes.
A huge overwhelming urge to Get Happy. ASAP. And Never Suffer. Never feel bad.
But If you try to make sure you never do Feeling Bad….
….uh oh.
Like I did, you might be creating an army of forces inside yourself trying to catch stressful thoughts the second they happen, to almost numb out, to constantly be striving to override all uncomfortable and troubling feelings quickly, quickly through inquiry.
OMG! I’m not happy for a second! Quick!
Yikes.
Of course, I fell flat on my face. I failed in maintaining happiness the way I was defining happiness. I thought it looked like calm, clear, kind and easy-going at all times.
Not that other messy stuff.
The discovery of this impulse to Be Happy came after I realized I was deeply against Being Angry.
I had no idea I was so against it. Poor Anger.
It was wrong, unacceptable. Terrible things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Hatred, killing, war, theft, destruction, banishment, jealousy, woundings. People have done horrible things for centuries because they felt anger. We should definitely all be working on never getting angry, I thought.
Hadn’t I learned I was supposed to control my temper?
Plus all the nice people in the storybooks and movies and fairytales I read or saw were…..well…..nice.
They never got angry.
Right?
That decision came alive somewhere in middle school years. Be the nice person. Don’t get angry. And by the way, don’t like other people who are angry either. They’re very frightening (and doing it wrong).
Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to step back from wild angry energy, and especially if someone’s expressing it by throwing plates.
But I cut the whole thing off, like chopping off my arm. And if I FELT anger (whatever I was calling anger, which is an interesting part of this inquiry) then I thought I made a mistake, wasn’t kind, and missed something
OMG! I think I felt angry for a second! Fix yourself NOW!
So let’s take a look, with inquiry.
First of all….what is this thing called “anger” we’re talking about anyway?
It’s a feeling. In the dictionary it’s described as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, hostility.
What I would do in the past (it’s still partially an automatic reaction to the experience of the energy of anger) is freeze.
Or…if I felt safe enough with the person or situation, or like I’m willing to risk being a jerk even if it’s honest…I’d blow my top or say it, with conviction. Literally, steam going off. At least it felt like this on the inside, and it probably looked sort of like this from the outside too (although admittedly rare).
As I navigated through my mind and The Work and discoveries about anger, I asked the great questions.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true that anger is dangerous, violent, terrible, wrong? Is it true it’s bad to feel it?
Who would I be without this story….and especially since anger is here, present, in the room, already in my body?
Who would I be without the horror story of anger?
Suddenly, I started finding turnarounds of people who were angry, and who stood up and spoke it, named it, expressed it without hatred, and made huge impact on their communities, on their cities, on the world.
Could it be that anger is powerful, important, part of reality…..for a good reason?
Crikey!
But wow. What a relief. To know I feel this energy called “anger” sometimes and it calls me to inquire, and also to ACT.
Turning it around: this anger is right, acceptable. Wonderful things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Love, creativity, peace, giving, silence, acceptance, rebirth. People have done amazing things for centuries because they felt anger. We should NOT all be working on swallowing our anger, but instead on actually expressing it well, powerfully, without shame, clearly, with passion and love.
A very long time ago, as the story goes, my father and mother were growing increasingly separated as their lives moved into 20 years together. They did almost nothing together anymore. My dad was quiet at home (living out the old belief model “thou shalt not ever show anger” as best he could). My mother was working a new job.
Apparently in that tumultuous time, something happened inside my dad. He no longer fought and pushed down and resented silently what was happening.
My mom speaks of it still to this day, when asked.
My dad, waiting until my mom returned, spoke to her with great conviction and energy, and anger. “I am NOT going to let this happen! We’re talking about this….NOW!”
It was a terrible, amazing, wild and wonderful many-hours conversation, the two of them locked inside their room upstairs telling the truth to each other. With anger and passion coming up and out of them into the air between them, instead of either one trying to be the perfect communicator of something “intense”.
The marriage turned around completely.
A few years later, they had a ceremony renewing their vows. My dad didn’t live much longer, as he got cancer and died a few years after that. And I’m not saying I know it was perfect and clear from that point forward. This is between them anyway. But I do know expression was called for, if they wanted true honesty. And it looked like anger.
What if you don’t HAVE TO GET THE ANGER OUT (or some other kind of instruction and rule about anger and how bad it is)?
What I notice about anger is….it comes and goes and pops and flows.
It has a brilliant message. Called…”time to inquire!”
It is not to be dismissed quickly, or abruptly, or forced out the door or down inside.
(You might end up eating too much, like I did, if you do that….which is very unpleasant).
What if you lived the turnaround of getting very genius at feeling angry, noticing how you aren’t ALL anger, and maybe anger can be felt inside love?
What if you allow anger to show you where you’ve been afraid, or compliant, or giving up?
After I realized what I had been doing with anger, and every situation I did The Work on that “made” me angry (squelch the fire of anger immediately). Instead, I let it come alive, but in a contained area like the way we build a fire in the fireplace. Letting it be as it was, allowing it to be a wonderful red hot messenger. Letting it bring the fire of truth.
After I discovered this about anger, I broke up with someone I was dating for the first time ever in my life who I had done a whole pile of worksheets on. I felt sincere appreciation for being in relationship with this man for the short time I had known him, and the intense experiences I had with him, and all the times I had said “yes” when I meant “no”.
And I honored this energy, instead of trying to get rid of it with The Work. I spoke loudly, with lazer sharp clarity on the phone. I remember him saying “but now we’re friends” and that he wished we would continue to see each other, talk, spend time, share. I knew the most loving thing I could possibly do for both of us, was to say what then came out of my mouth: “No. We are not friends. Not that way.” And I hung up.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ~ Aristotle
If you are feeling angry, I say…first, do The Work. Absolutely. So much clarity can be discovered.
Then, the loving living turnaround may be saying or doing something very powerful to the right person in just the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. It will feel right. You won’t feel ashamed later. Everyone will be honored. You’ll have integrity for both yourself and the other.
