The first time I really paid attention to Leonard Cohen’s music was at Byron Katie’s School for The Work in March 2005.
Leonard was someone who had been raked through the horrible doubt of wondering whether life was worth living. And been forced, in a way, to question what he was thinking and believing to be true.
His music expressed it and inspired this investigation.
And it sure can be wildly helpful to be inspired in your inquiry, because it’s not exactly an easy journey to explore what you’ve always believed to be true.
Even a terrible, awful, no good, very bad belief might at least have solid ground, be something you’ve felt certain of.
You feel like you can count on knowing what’s wrong, and what’s right. What’s good and what’s evil.
That over there is No Good. That condition on planet earth, my family, my dad, my mom, my grandfather, people who do “x”, other people who act like “y”, that country, this war, that dreaded incident.
At least I KNOW they are evil, bad, wrong or not for me. When someone or something is horrible, I know who to stay away from.
But what if you’re wrong about that?
It’s usually not anywhere near as black and white as we make it. There is no 100% all-time clear solid “evil” and no solid 100% clear “good”.
But let’s say, just for fun (ahem) you think Someone or Something is pretty close to 100% badness.
Kind of stressful, right?
I have someone in mind. So let’s do The Work.
That person is evil, terrible, negative, wrong, rude, hateful.
I see someone in my mind who is right now doing a stellar job of cutting off all friends and family in her life connected to a certain circle. She’s slapping sarcastic statements around full of spitting judgment, nasty comments, global sweeping comments like “you all have never, ever been supportive….”
Is it true, that name-caller is bad? Evil? Acting like the names they’re using on other people? Unforgiving?
YES.
She must be really messed up, to be so mean and vicious. In fact, I’m sure she is. Prejudiced. She doesn’t know or care about me personally at all. She’s acting exactly the same way as the people she’s accusing. WORSE. She….
Oh. Right. Answer the question.
Can you absolutely know that person is evil, wrong and bad to the core?
No.
How do you react when you believe they are?
The wall between us is 7 miles wide. The energy feels caustic and hateful. The fear is flowing, or the grief.
I avoid her. I try not to ever think about her, but I do anyway.
So who would you be if you didn’t believe that person in question was evil, bad, wrong, hateful, terrible, dangerous?
It doesn’t mean you’re pretending they aren’t acting destructive or you’re denying and playing like they don’t matter.
This question is asked while you STARE at that person, sitting in their presence in your mind, holding them in your thoughts, remembering their words or their emails.
Who would you be, watching what they did and said, without the story they are EVIL or bad, wrong, whatever your words are that describe what you’re seeing?
I’d become aware of how terrified that person is. How desperate. I’d see how they are believing many thoughts and following them without question. I’d see how much they suffer and complain and demand and tantrum and they don’t know how to connect, love, share, or relax.
Would I like to be that person? Not at all. I know what it’s like to believe with a vengeance. I’ve done it many times, when thinking about them.
So what would it really feel like to pause a moment and wonder what it’s like over there, without the belief it’s wrong to be like that?
What’s the reality?
This person is acting like that, saying that, doing that. This isn’t about agreeing with it. But notice what happens when you argue with reality.
You lose.
As I return over and over again to who I would be without the thought, I remember I am not forcing myself into some kind of mind-game, but instead I’m interested in opening up to Not Being The Knower (since I find it’s incredibly stressful, and often inaccurate).
How would I treat myself, how would it feel to be me in this moment as I look over there at that fuming person, who’s obviously very upset?
I’d feel compassion. I’d feel the hurt and heartbreak, too. I’d notice my heart, deeply, and how connected I actually feel, even in the middle of the disconnect.
In my situation, as I think of this person I’ve known for many years who has gotten very upset with everyone and been extremely judgmental….without the thought she’s wrong or evil….
….I notice how quiet it is over here in my own business, with myself. All that happened is someone got upset. She had her reasons. I don’t have to understand them all Right Now.
Turning the thought around: that person is good, right, creative, loving. I am evil, bad, wrong…especially when it comes to my thinking about that person.
This is not about slapping yourself for doing it wrong, being judgy, doing it poorly, making a mistake, screwing it up, or using your bad-ness as proof for why that person got upset in the first place.
Can you really know it has something to do with YOU that they got so upset? Can you really know YOU caused the rift, the difficulty, the anger? Can you really know if you had done it differently, it would have gone another way, or any better?
No.
Good to notice.
I do see that when I believe someone else is completely evil or weird, I myself am full of feelings of disgust, rage, worry, sadness and other stressful emotions coursing through my system.
Not so positive. Not so Can-Do. Not so relaxed.
And that person over there, she’s doing the best she can. She’s taking care of herself. She’s trying a new experiment. It’s probably perfect for her….not wishing for connection with an old group she’s been very disappointed in, and instead dropping that expectation and venturing out on her own.
These activities are worthy, good, supportive of something in her own life. She’s becoming more independent. She needs the adventure, the break, to connect with different and new people instead.
Nothing wrong with that at al! It’s very loving to herself, to stop interacting with people she doesn’t enjoy, or who she gets wildly triggered by.
Plus, it gives the rest of the old circle a break, including me.
How could this whole interaction, with that person having a hissy fit, and my mind having one, and all that’s gone along with it….
….how could this experience be OK, interesting, an invitation, something deeply powerful and important that needed to happen?
I might not know fully yet.
But one thing I do see….is the Universe has Got This.
It’s allowing what is. No one single person is in charge (I notice I sure am not, and neither is the other person I’m so concerned about). I do the best I can, I question my thinking, I relax into this movie….
….and suddenly, I’m inspired instead of despairing.
Being fully connected with that angry person is not required physically, in person, or verbally, or in writing at the moment. I can feel love and joy for their impact on my life, and this quiet moment I can also appreciate immensely.
Now that’s an exciting, loving, good, softer, unexpected story.
Not an evil one.
Who knows what could happen next, with a freer heart? I might rise up into something I never anticipated. I might create beautiful music. I’d stay present, and roll up my sleeves.
“Here’s to the few who forgive what you do, and the fewer who don’t even care.” ~ Leonard Cohen d. 11/10/2016
“Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it.” ~ Michael Singer
Much love,
Grace