Those mean, judgmental people on the internet who left nasty comments

Almost last call for online retreat with me and Tom Compton, co-facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

To read about the schedule, visit here. It helps if you let us know by Saturday so we can be prepared for you. Deadline to join is Sunday night at 9pm Pacific Time.

So here’s an interesting predicament about this retreat.

In these weird times of the closures and the uncertainty with in-person events, we didn’t even know to move it to an online thing until about 2 weeks ago (maybe 3)?

Tom and I quickly sorted out a schedule that worked, we updated the Institute for The Work listing, we blocked our calendars, and I set up the zoom event and registration page.

I created an event for it on facebook and shared it.

Easy.

Then…a comment appeared below the facebook post of the event.

“I love The Work….but I’m not sure about the hair….I just really don’t know.”

I was pretty sure the commenter was referring to Tom’s long grey tousle of California surfer hair.

The event has a head shot of him on the left, then my head shot on the right. You might have seen it here on a previous Grace Note.

Then someone else commented, “Try taking a bath!”

Wow. Weird. Kind of insulting.

All this about the hair, I wondered?

Maybe Tom’s uncut look to someone who doesn’t know him means, to them at least, that he’s unkempt, un-groomed, unwashed, or something?

Huh. Interesting.

These comments are NOT the kind I imagined.

Their focus is on the photo, not the content of the upcoming retreat.

I mean, what’s wrong with people?

Who is seeing this event, anyway, online, who is not an appropriate match for someone who’d want to attend the retreat? Why are they commenting?

Then yet another comment, with a sarcastic tone: “Is this a before and after photo? Wow, this work must be magic.”

Wow.

I guess that reference was to the two different head shot photos.

Haha, very funny. (That’s me now being sarcastic).

Not really sure what to think of it all, but guess what?

I realized it was time for a little “work”.

You want to follow along with me?

Have you ever had someone judge you or someone close to you negatively based on your appearance, or a photo?

My thoughts:

They have it wrong. They don’t understand. They’re being superficial. They’re mean.

Is it true?

Yes. Oh yes, yes, yes.

They have no idea what they are missing….(defense appears). They are jumping to erroneous conclusions (more defense). They are mistaken. (Um, yah. More defense).

But is it absolutely true they have it wrong, they’ve misunderstood, they’re being superficial, they’re mean?

No.

I don’t know them.

All I am seeing is typing on facebook. It’s not even a person. It’s just a communication, an idea.

I notice judgments and curiosity running inside this mind here all the time (pointing at my own head).

It’s happening, actually, while I read these comments about hair.

What happens, how do you react, when you believe someone has been quick to judge, is mean, is superficial?

Startled. A little surprised.

Thinking it *shouldn’t* be this way.

Who would I be without the belief, in the same situation, looking at words on a facebook comment: who or what would I be in this moment without my story?

Very entertained. Chuckling.

Also taking in that the hair is indeed unusual by comparison. Instead of defense, I get to notice 3 different apparent people had something to say about it. Not one, not two, but three.

It’s like if someone said “your fly is down” and you just said “Oh! Thanks!” and zipped it up.

What’s the reality? We all saw the fly down.

There’s a head of long hair, on a man when men often tend to cut their hair short. Maybe.

Nothing personal, just information coming through.

Noticing this is what minds do. They see things, and decide things and make jokes about things and share their thoughts about things.

I suddenly remember my husband reporting this past year that when a new student came half way through the year, a little boy named Roy….he had long hair. Unusual perhaps for a 4 year old. All the kids called him “she”.

So even 4 year olds are calling a peer “she” if they have long hair. It’s not right or wrong, but there are expectations.

Without my story, I wonder “How fascinating! I wonder what THIS is for?!”

Curiosity rises up.

Turning the thought around:

I have it wrong. I don’t understand. I’m being superficial. I’m mean.

Yes. How many times in my life have I judged myself and said like I’m talking to myself with a Mean Girl voice: you have it wrong, you don’t understand anything, you’re so superficial that you care about your own appearance–especially your weight–you’re so mean.

Super, hyper critical. As if that helped me change. (Not).

I also definitely had a wave of wondering who would take the time to comment about hair styles on a Work of Byron Katie facebook event. I totally raise my hand in noticing I thought they were weirdos, people without a clue.

Which I do not know.

(Maybe I’m the clueless one, not remembering that even 4 year olds already see the world of hair and make conclusions).

Turning the thought around again to the opposite: They have it right. They do understand. They’re NOT being superficial. They’re kind.

WOWSERS!!!

I can find examples immediately.

They were kind enough to be clear and honest.

They shared quickly to the point and made me realize when someone has an unconventional appearance, it might make others a little nervous and uncertain, wondering what it means.

I never even thought about it. I appreciated the wildness of Tom’s hair from the very start, ever since he let it grow a few years ago.

He shared with me he stopped cutting it just after his wife died of cancer.

He also told me that experience of the journey of cancer was one of the most powerful, immense experiences of learning what Unconditional Love is that he could ever have imagined.

How incredible.

More examples of how those commenters on facebook are kind, understanding, honest: They’re looking at images of people they don’t know and have never met, so of course they’re being superficial–in a good way. They understand they see something unusual, they aren’t blind. They went above and beyond the call of duty by actually mentioning their impressions.

They have it right.

Who am I without my story?

Somehow filled with appreciation and joy in this moment for the way life directs people (and me) to go where they need to go in a simple, easy way…and not go where it might be hard or weird or unwelcome.

Getting ready to share retreat time with friends, with people who want to question their thinking with facilitators who have been at it for a very, very long time.

Tom read Rumi out loud from the front of the room at my first school for The Work in March 2005 when his hair was short and brown and curly, and his wife was still alive.

So here we are, whomever “Tom” and “Grace” are, preparing for the adventure of five days doing The Work, to sink into the deep waters of being, feeling, wondering who we all are without our stressful stories….

I know the people who appear will be the perfect people.

We’ll be ready to consider painful stories we’ve experienced in life: judgment, rejection, loss, cancer, death, fear, relationship trauma or drama, irritation, compulsion, worry, money woes, career angst.

We collect together as a sweet group of humans to narrow down the situations that cause us pain mentally and emotionally, and we dive into our work in the magnificent presence of community.

Shame falls away, isolation melts, and new understanding is possible.

That’s what I find every time.

I know it will be good.

Only two weeks ago, when I facilitated my spring retreat (the first time I ever did a retreat on zoom) the sharing and exercises were absolutely wonderful.

Better than I ever thought.

“Reality is kinder than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me by hitting “reply” or we can also talk on zoom or the phone. Nothing required here, only a willing mind (and a computer or wi-fi connection, apparently). You can dial in with your phone, though, if that’s your favorite way.

Sliding scale registration. Please choose what works for you, we know some of you are out of work at the moment.