Wow, I got so many notes and emails from people responding to my Grace Note yesterday on Fearing Desire. WONDERFUL comments!
One of the most interesting things I have noticed, in all the teleclasses I teach but ESPECIALLY in the Sexuality class, is people noticing at some point in the process of inquiring into their thinking is that this is about so much more than sex.
This work is about feeling fear when someone does something, or asks for something, or wants something, or says they need something, especially from YOU…whether that looks like physical contact or not.
This work is about feeling the stress that flows through you when someone says they are attracted to you, or when you are attracted to them…or perhaps when they DON’T like you and they don’t want anything from you.
Human connection and communication, relationships, asking for what you want, responding to others when they ask for what they want…this dynamic shows up in almost every relationship.
It is far beyond the experience of sexuality, but the arena of sexuality is so wonderful, so filled with mood, emotion, arousal, disappointment, pleasure, demand, intrigue, hope…that it is one of the most powerful exchanges to study.
We get to find out what we really, really think we want. We get to see what the moment is like, what we are believing when we are disturbed or uncomfortable.
As Byron Katie suggests, we are looking here at the stressful thoughts, not the relaxing, peaceful ones. Those loving ones we may as well keep. They are kind and gentle.
The tougher, nervy ones go like this:
- If I move towards that person, I could get hurt
- If that person moves towards me, I need to run away
- If I like that person, I will hurt someone else
- If that person likes me, they are wrong/confused/pushy
- I have to do something with this feeling of attraction
- That person (those people) are out of control with their feelings
- I must get satisfied!
- When that person does THAT, says THAT, moves that way…it’s freaky
- I need to be liked, I need people to think I’m attractive
We assume things constantly, with a tiny gesture, with a facial expression. We wonder what it means. We stay quiet and don’t ask, because it’s frightening to think of speaking up. Or we may be boisterous and loud, but still full of assumptions that may not be spot on. We keep secrets.
This expression within sexuality can contain what is uncomfortable in human interaction, and what we’re most afraid of. It’s about how we perceive desire, wanting, emptiness, dischord, anxiety.
When my mind used to be so full of all these kinds of thoughts about what that other person might mean, what I should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling, and believing that what I want, say, or think could be bad…it was paralyzing.
I discovered that I could take one single situation that involved physical touch, attraction, or affection, and see a whole box full of stressful ideas from that one single moment.
Once a man I was on a date with said to me after spending a whole day together, having a great time talking (I thought) “you know, you really aren’t my type.”
It was like a knife went through my gut. I had to control myself from crying (must not show that I’m affected by his words–an additional stressful thought of course).
Oh the agony that one human man on the planet didn’t think I was his type!!!
Now, while I look at that moment as somewhat surprising…..I can say DANG, that was direct and blunt! That was awesome! No guessing where I stood, that’s for sure.
It was an amazing moment in not taking something personally. Although…heh heh. I took it sooooo personally (remember the knife) there was not even a half-second before my reaction.
Boy, the seething viciousness of my own mind later was incredible. All because of someone saying they were not attracted to me.
But I did The Work. I investigated what the heck was happening in that moment, for me. I dove into that terrible blistering moment like my life depended on it.
I turned that thought around…”he should have said that, he should not be attracted to me (if he’s not, I mean…duh), he should tell me the truth straight up, he should not pull any punches, I do not need flattery, I am not rejected, I am still attractive—to myself and to other men”.
I realized that all of those were just as true. I realized all the importance and power I gave those words from his mouth.
I even realized he didn’t necessarily mean them to be hurtful to me! He knew I could handle it!
“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you.”~Byron Katie
Every time there is a jolt in me that puts up a shield, or something inside that starts to gather rocks, I know I’ve got attack-mode engaged. Not really that useful or fun.
Who would I be without my story that this whole sexuality business is a sensitive topic, that we have to be careful and delicate, that it’s weird, or private, or personal….or really all that important? What if I gave up moving towards, moving away, and just noticed?
I’d start a teleclass on the topic.
“Ego is the movement of the mind toward objects of perception in the form of grasping, and away from objects in the form of aversion. This fundamentally is all the ego is.”~Adyashanti
The Our Wonderful Sexuality starts on Tuesday 1/22. Join us if you’d like to look at love, attraction, anger, first kiss, your longest-term relationship….and question what happened.
Love, Grace