Yesterday I wrote about the dreaded experience of someone saying “you’re not my type!”
But in our human experience, we also notice great angst when we we think we SHOULD be attracted to someone when we are, in fact, not.
An amazing client working with me in my starting days as a facilitator came to me in excruciating emotional pain. She was leaving her husband of 20 years. She had tried, and tried and tried to feel attracted to him, to no avail.
It can feel like being forced to eat some kind of lousy tasting food when we are not even hungry (although I’ve had this experience, too, but that’s another topic!)
Or like being forced to wear a jacket when we’re already too hot. Suffocating.
That Dictator Voice will come in and demand change of you. Not only should you be attracted, but you should be attracted 85% of the time, if you are in a long-term committed relationship. You should desire physical contact, and you should be grateful and nice.
Your partner is so kind, steady, thoughtful, or such a good provider. Can’t you just FIND IT? COME ON!!
You used to think he was hot, and he still thinks YOU are hot, so this is simply unfair, wrong, and unreasonable. It’s the least you could do.
If the truth is going to hurt someone, then you should keep your mouth shut.
The problem is, the pressure becomes like an underwater boiling lake ready to burst up like geysers through the surface.
The woman I was working with began at some point to simply avoid sitting around at home. She avoided conversation, she avoided confrontation, she got really busy with laundry, tasks, work…she avoided her husband’s anger, sadness, and the terrible guilt.
Years can go by for people in this predicament, where no one actually says anything and no one knows how to make a change.
A simple way to get out (and I know it’s not really simple) is to become interested in someone else. A new attraction.
Another way, is Inquiry.
And heck, you can mix ’em up together if that’s the way of it. The way of Reality is any or all of it, I notice.
What do you notice happening when you do not connect with what is true for you, in this moment, and acknowledge it somehow? What happens when you start putting up with stuff you don’t really like? Or feeling trapped?
- the truth will hurt my partner
- I should never hurt anyone
- if my partner knew my thoughts, she would feel rejected
- I should never reject anyone
- if my partner knew of my lack of attraction to him, he would be angry
- I should never make anyone feel angry
- if my partner knew how I’m not that interested, she would be desperately sad
- I should never make anyone that sad
You shouldn’t make anyone, ever, feel bad. Bad feelings are terrible. YOU can MAKE someone feel them, if you don’t watch out. They can make you feel bad, too.
IS THAT TRUE?
Hmmm. It seems true. Ever since I was a kid. My dad made me sad, my mom made me angry, my grandparents made me scared, my sisters made me upset.
How do I react when I believe this thought, that other people can make me feel bad, and that I can make other people feel bad?
Very, very careful. Very. Careful. I smile a lot. I’m nice. I laugh when it’s not funny.
Who or What would I be without the thought that anyone can make anyone else feel bad?
Like a tree.
Still on the inside. Looking. Kind of excited. Alive. Buzzing, humming. Free. No matter who is around.
I would hear words coming out of someone, like “I don’t want to talk to you” or “I am crushed by what you’ve just said” and I would have a spark of trust that all is OK anyway. Even if hurt feelings are present.
“In the moment I see you as ugly, I am ugly….It is the moment my mind attacks you. In that moment “ugly” has entered my world. No one can hurt me, that’s my job. In the moment I see you as terrible and unkind, in that moment, my life becomes unkind. It can never, ever be what you say that hurts me, it’s what I think about you that is hurting me.”~Byron Katie
When I think it’s ME who is the hurtful one, and I feel upset…I pause, I breathe, I remember that I can be filled with loving kindness even though I am saying something that is distressing someone else.
In the moment I see you as vulnerable and hurt, I am vulnerable and hurt. In the moment I see you as needing to be protected from the truth, I see how much I want to be protected from the truth.
I turn the thoughts around, that bad feelings can be made and that they are terrible and awful and should always be avoided:
- not telling the truth will hurt my partner, not telling the truth will hurt me, telling the truth will heal my partner and heal me
- rejection is not terrible, rejection is full of learning, rejection is freeing
- anger is love and care with a few rockets attached to it, it’s strong, it fades, we survive it
- not being interested is a relief, a message, a joy, not a problem
Living in the turnarounds, I find everything moves and changes, feelings shift and come and go.
Nothing is guaranteed. Attracted, repulsion, towards, away.
Reality changes, reality is never fixed, reality moves.
“Life moves, undulates, breathes in and out, contracting and expanding. This is its nature, the nature of what is. Whatever is, is on the move. Nothing remains the same for very long. The mind wants everything to stop so that it can get its foothold, find its position, so it can figure out how to control life. Through the pursuit of material things, knowledge, ideas, beliefs, opinions, emotional states, spiritual states, and relationships, the mind seeks to find a secure position from which to operate. The mind seeks to nail life down and get it to stop moving and changing.”~Adyashanti
If you find you are NOT attracted anymore to someone, and think you should be, Our Wonderful Sexuality is a wonderful place to be. We look at all angles and aspects of relationship through our past. We start next Tuesday evening 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. Only a few spots left…join us!
Love, Grace
Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.
- Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
- Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
- Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.
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