Sometimes I have a little voice that raises up and says things like “Gosh…you are soooo freakin’ insecure, just look at you! Did you hear what you just said? What a dope!”
It goes on, but it really is a little boring. It repeats itself.
People who work with me often say they have thoughts against themselves most of all, not against other people or the world.
I find it’s really all balled-up together in a big knotted pile. How I think about you is how I think about me is how I think about you, and it’s all bouncing around in all directions, skipping hither and thither.
I often wind up talking a little about that Critical Voice (to put it mildly) at times when working with a client, or in a class or workshop.
Annie Lamott, a fabulous writer I love, says she named this voice KFCK. Like a radio station. You turn on the station and you get the barrage of insults and corrections and commentary on what you are doing wrong, when you did it wrong, how you did it wrong and the way you are likely to do it wrong in the future.
When people learn about doing The Work sometimes they say they have to do their worksheet on themselves. If you are familiar with Byron Katie, you’ll know she highly recommends sticking to considering your thoughts about others, not yourself.
Why?
Because there is almost always a motive, a very deep desire to get in there and remove, fix, eliminate, or destroy the “bad” part of me. Once I do that….then my life will be better, easier, and free.
The thing is, this is not “loving what is” or being with this, as it is. This is not appreciating or understanding or accepting or opening to THIS. Imperfect me.
Last night my “spiritual” group met via the phone, with our facilitator Stephan Bodian. I noticed how my mind raced wildly for the first 30 minutes of the call, after frantically looking for the phone number which I apparently wrote down wrong in my new 2013 calendar.
Then I began to settle into the present moment. And then, I was aware of how much I’ve been rushing. Again.
I shared with the group and felt like my words were fast, busy, and not all that deep. Like I was sharing an observation about a bucket of water I just saw and how fascinating that bucket was….when Stephan and others were talking about seeing the Ocean.
The Voice had a few things to say:
- you talk too much
- you’re trying too hard
- you’ll never get this
- you’re too busy, too interested in the outer world
- you’re too hooked on making money, preventing financial disaster
- you’re a scaredy cat in the end, you can’t stop being afraid
It sometimes sounded a bit more mean, abusive, and nasty than I’ve written here. But you get the idea.
One of my favorite teachers, Joan Tollifson, wrote that sometimes she is sitting at her desk, or going about her life (which has been a lifetime of studying the human condition and her own human condition) and she has had the thought “I’ve ruined my life”.
I burst out laughing the first time I read it.
When I was at the recent Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles, at one point in the middle of it while listening to someone do The Work on stage, I had the thought “I’ve never really done The Work.”
I can’t even remember what came right before that thought. There was some recognition of how deep, profound, wide, and mysterious all this is. How just having the question “is it true?” is so bizarre and penetrating, if you stay with it for more than 2 seconds.
I was aware of how much time I spend chasing after what I think needs to be chased after. How much I believe things are true, that are not really true. How careful I think I need to be sometimes, how cautious, or how frustrated that I’m not “getting it” (whatever IT is) fast enough.
“Look how your mind reacts if you do something that doesn’t live up to your expectations. You try to re-create yourself. And if your mind is like a lot of minds, it could be brutal….As though that violent mode will create something different.”~Byron Katie
What if I just noticed that the chatterbox radio station apparently got turned on, and there it is, being itself? No emergencies, no need to listen with hyper-alert to every word.
What if harsh gunfire in the form of words (or guns, for that matter) is just the way it comes out sometimes, with the belief that this intensity is absolutely necessary to get a point across?
“In reality, there is no such thing as enlightened activity and deluded activity. The distinction is purely notional, and from the perspective of the universe, there is no mistake and no tragedy either way. The disorder is all part of a larger order.”~Joan Tollifson
What if The Voice that gets all shrieky and pestilent and abrasive, or all the behavior I’ve called DISORDERED, is actually part of a greater order, a magnificent order?
Can I find the possibility of this to be true? Can I find examples of how even my disorders are in order, somehow?
I shared with my food and eating group that I found with myself, and with all people with food and eating issues, that they are actually very powerful, passionate, intense and alive!
My disordered eating brought me to explore the universe. On my knees. It turned out to be easier on my knees. And I didn’t need any weapons.
“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.”~Tony Parsons
Love, Grace