I am laughing at the subject line. Hilarious! But I promised the one wonderful guy in my Sexuality class that I would beat the bushes for another male participant.
One spot left before our second class meets on Tuesday evening Pacific time via telephone! Anyone can catch up by listening to the first class recording. You will be welcomed in with open arms. All for exploring your icky thoughts that are not fun to think.
And meanwhile, back at the ranch. Speaking of WANTING BAD….
Doesn’t that just about sum up one of the major human life dilemmas? I waaaaannnnnttttt it. Really bad.
Recently, I’ve been reminded of how intense the experience of WANTING can be forparents. I’ve had probably 4 clients in the past week work on a deeply similar thought: I want my kid to succeed. I don’t want my kid to feel bad.
Being a parent myself, I know how badly we can want when it comes to kids.
- I want her to get good grades
- I want him to clean his room
- I want them to be kind and thoughtful
- I want him to be excited and passionate about learning
- I want her to excel at ___________ (sports, classes, art, drama, language, etc)
- I want them to be upstanding citizens
- I want her to love herself
Parenting another human carries such weight, responsibility, hope, energy, fear…and HOPE! Did I say hope?
We think of ourselves that we need to be strong, excellent, incredible parents who are stellar role models of brilliance!
Our kids don’t always do what we want them to do. They might even “fail” the usual system. These kids might have other ideas, their own desires and interests, their own new way of doing something.
In fact, doing things in a new, innovative, unusual way might secretly be what we would really, really want for them….and for ourselves.
But gosh, that’s entering the unknown. I’m not sure it will work!
This raising a kid thing has to WORK. Meaning, I have to successfully help navigate this child towards THEM being incredible stellar models of brilliance!
They have to turn out GOOD. Otherwise….I’M A TERRIBLE MOTHER.
I must be vigilant!
Wow. So much hanging on the “success” of these creatures under our care. We see these conditions we place on them, and discover that it doesn’t quite feel like wide open love.
My daughter was having a terrible time in school. She was tested. Not enough of a gap between intelligence and skill. No special ed supplied. But she couldn’t read. She was recorded as “three years behind” her grade level.
I did the Work a lot on schools, the inadequacies of the schools, the need to actually go through school in order to learn something. After questioning stressful beliefs, my daughter I realize could try many options, and I knew the schools weren’t bad, and knew that they are full of amazing helpful people AND she doesn’t actually need to go to any of them.
And then I questioned the concept “my daughter needs to read”.
I mean, that just seemed so true! She not only needs to read, she needs to succeed in school, GO to school, and go to college….otherwise she’ll be a waitress for the rest of her life.
Or worse!!
Everyone who is anywhere wants children to read! Everyone knows it is best, this is just basic square one rudimentary stuff of life. How could anyone be happy or successful without reading?
And by the way, while we’re at it…videos, computers, gaming, movies, talking, listening, iphones, cell phones, shows, anything observed by sight that you passively sit back and relax and take in….these are NOT as good as reading.
Reading is better.
Is that absolutely true?
I notice after doing The Work for awhile on this and related ideas, I stopped worrying about all that. I didn’t stop caring. I just accepted that the structure to thrive was going to look really different than I had previously imagined.
My daughter started going to a little itsy bitsy alternative private school. She’s been there for awhile now.
In the past I would have been afraid of this crazy, alternative school.
Bunch of weirdos!
But that was several years ago. I stopped having a panic attack about my daughter and her reading. I continued to question my thinking. It seemed like I was the one who calmed down, not her.
Yesterday, my daughter came through the door breathing with excitement, with a pile of books from the library. She said “mom, you gotta hear this!” She threw down the pile on the table and opened one of them, hunting for the right page…..
“Listen to this book we’re reading in my class!” she said.
And she read out loud to me…..several paragraphs, with speed, clarity, articulation, excitement, laughter.
“Isn’t that funny?!” she said as she looked up.
My eyes were brimming with tears. I had forgotten about that “reading” problem, for quite awhile now. I had stopped wanting her to read. And this is what happened.
“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you mus first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast. Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.”~Tao Te Ching #36
Yes, that’s pretty funny.
Love, Grace