Money seems to be one of my biggest hooks, triggers, potholes, or suffering zones over the past several years. For some weird reason, I didn’t think about it much in my teens, twenties, or thirties.
It’s almost like I put it on a shelf over there. I had other more important things to think about. I didn’t want to get all riled up about it, like other people. I didn’t want to feel scarcity around it, or get too driven about it.
I was always pretty happy with small amounts of stuff. Seriously. I loved taking things to goodwill or give them away. I preferred everything I owned to fit in my car.
During my childhood it seemed like Money caused a lot of problems for several important people in my life: my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa.
Strange, but it remained unimportant to me, because there was nothing I actually wanted, as a child, that money could buy. It was super easy to get my first job…one of my sisters got a job at a retirement home and told me to go ahead and apply, too. I think we were about 14 and 15 years old.
If she hadn’t suggested applying, I probably wouldn’t have even thought of it in the first place.
Cut to 30 years later when I was desperate for an interview, income, a job. And yet…picky picky picky. It couldn’t be a low-paying waitress job or an entry level position. Because of my thoughts, I imagined that to be worse than being unemployed.
A few weeks more, with the threat of not being able to buy gas for my car much longer, I was not so picky anymore.
Fortunately for me, at that time, I had The Work as a tool to use for my wildly insanely panicked thoughts about money and work.
Even though I had almost no money left and my bank account was dwindling to nothing, I hired a facilitator to help me investigate my beliefs about money, and work. I like to tell this story in the Earning Money teleclass.
The most painful, painful thought was “I need more money. Yesterday”.
I could see the inevitability of losing my house unless something really drastic changed. I made my first late mortgage payment….only 3 months away from foreclosure.
My savings were gone.
I needed more money, so I thought, or I would lose my house. And THAT would of course be horrendous, because my kids and I would have to move in with my mom. Forty minutes away by car.
Thinking about the worst that could happen without money was something I barely wanted to consider before. But with investigation into my greatest fear, I asked myself what was really true.
- I will have no home
- My children will suffer
- My entire family will be happier than me
- I will never bounce back
- It’s too late for me to start a good career
- I don’t know how to get a good job, earn LOTS of money
- I need more training, another degree, a different education
- My mother will be annoyed with us
- I won’t be able to stand sharing a kitchen with my mother! It will be WWIII.
As I found these thoughts my stomach felt nauseated and tight, the images were terrible, I imagined myself as such a loser.
And the thing that would cure this pain was definitely more money.
But could I absolutely know that this was true? Would my pain actually be cured? Would I feel excited and without fear? Would I feel secure, truly? Would I feel rested, peaceful, happy? Was money the only way to freedom?
Um. That would be a “no”. I knew money was not the only way to freedom, that would be crazy.
How I lived with the thought that I needed more money YESTERDAY was like I was in a state of emergency inside my body. I was exhausted, I was jittery, I couldn’t sleep well, I kept thinking the same thoughts, and I was sure I couldn’t get along with my mother.
Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I needed more money?
It was almost impossible to find that place, initially. I kept seeing my house disappear, my life disappear, my car disappear, my enthusiasm and motivation disappear. I kept seeing myself depressed in my mother’s basement, and my kids crying because they missed the house we used to have (as if they would join me in the same agony).
But turning the thought around….WOW. Now that was amazing to consider. To become open to the possibilities.
- I will always have a home, no matter where I am–that has been the case so far
- My children will not suffer, they will see what it’s like to move from here to there
- I could be happier than my entire family. Hilarious! Without the constrictions of a mortgage, who knows!
- I don’t need to bounce back, I will be bouncing forward
- Amazing people have found new careers late in life, and so can I
- I do know how to get a good job, I am just as capable of earning lots of money as anyone else
- I don’t need any more training, no degree, no education. I have the perfect amount. Incredible people in this world support themselves, without degrees.
- My mother will be thrilled with us, and get to know us intimately
- I will love sharing with my mother. It will be an incredible truce!
I began to see such benefits, that it started sounding fantastic to move out of our home, sell everything, give everything away, and move in with my mother. What an opportunity! Start a brand new life! Fun!
The relief, stillness, acceptance, and peace penetrated everything I had started believing about money.
I did not need more money.
The whole thing was a nightmare, and I was waking up.
And that was happening, without more money. DOH!
“Fear has only two causes: the thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want. In either case, the worst thing that can ever happen is a story. Nothing you need can be taken from you. And no one can ever have anything you need. Need is a story you tell yourself. It’s a wanting-what-is-not that separates you from what is.”~Byron Katie in I Need Your Love, Is It True?
Seeing the advantages in what is, I waited and kept moving and calling places, more joyfully. I looked at want-ads with more creativity. I asked for loans, and amazing family members said Yes.
I felt the trust of the universe. This was going to go the way that it would go…without my opinion.
It went the way it needed to go, for my biggest learning.
Come join the next teleclass Earning Money: What’s The Problem? It starts next Monday, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. We spend time investigating the really gritty, angry, beastly thoughts about money, about our businesses or our jobs (or lack of them), what we believe about marketing or selling (job interviews, promoting our businesses) and how we feel about the state of not-enough.
It’s one of my favorite journeys of all time. Join us! We still have room for a few more.
Love, Grace