Month: October 2014

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Having A Thinking Attack? YIELD!

Tomorrow morning October 22 at 8:30 am Pacific Time, I’m offering a webinar (no fee at all) for people who suffer from addictive woes around eating.

Eating and food obsession will be the dilemma, or condition discussed….

….but even though my own suffering was mostly around food and eating and the need to be perfect….

….I also used to find myself craving tobacco and smoking, drinking alcohol in ways that made me sick or tired, lusting after people in my mind with crush thoughts, watching movies to ride the wave of emotions and stories and escape myself, and questing after spiritual enlightenment.

People who have this kind of addictive, compulsive trouble in an on-going repetitive way often feel like they can’t identify the root of it.

They’ll think “I dunno what my f%&*-ing problem is! I can’t get this right!” after they fall into their pattern, yet again.

If you’ve experienced the ups and downs of stress around eating, you’ll hopefully find some insight and relief….

….but like I said, anyone who has urges to do something that feels really mixed up and addictive, like you can’t stop, might be able to relate.

To join the webinar, you’ll need your computer, and to click below onWednesday, October 22nd at 8:30 am Pacific time:

CLICK HERE to JOIN Eating Peace WEBINAR with Grace tomorrow morning Pacific time.

I’ll offer ways to understand the three overwhelming areas I’ve spoken about in my Eating Peace videos this week that keep most people obsessing about food, failure, and the body.

These three overwhelming forces that keep you lost in cravings are your experience of having no power in situations or relationships you care about, your feeling of emptiness, and your fear of feeling FEAR (or other big feelings).

Powerless, empty, afraid.

Such good ingredients for triggering an addictive process of any kind.

During the webinar, you’ll be able to type in your questions or comments as I offer key ways I’ve learned to unravel craving and willpower wars and enter a field of acceptance, peace and comfort I only dreamed of, but didn’t really think was possible for me.

Anyone can attend, if you’ve experienced addictive behavior of any kind….not just eating.

We’ll talk about these difficult experiences all addicts drown in that keep them in an addictive spinning wheel….

….even people who are addicted to thinking, who believe thinking will get them out of their predicaments and free them from having to suffer MORE.

If you’re interested in the upcoming Eating Peace Program of Recovery with a small group that starts next Sunday morning Pacific time at 8:30 am, this is a great way to get some sense of what part of it will be like.

The thing is….it seems like all addiction really boils down to the belief that THOUGHTS will offer the ultimate answer to life.

What does it mean when people say that the ultimate addiction is addiction to thinking?

Well, here’s what it might be like:

Something happens. You feel threatened instantly, or slightly on alert.

This can be any kind of threat.

The obvious ones are linked to our basic physiology, like sudden loud noises or screams, a dark cloud or big storm casting a shadow over the sun, someone pointing a gun at us.

Bam. Zing.

The heart is pounding, the blood is coursing through your veins. You’re eyes are wide open, waiting, listening, or you’re running for cover.

But what if these kinds of reactions occur inside you when someone says something, someone makes their face look a certain way, you find out something has changed course, you anticipate feeling loss, fear or pain in the future…maybe even tomorrow?

What if you’re nervous that you’re not doing something well enough, you don’t have what it takes to be successful, you don’t have the “money gene”, someone left you, someone criticized or hurt you, someone embarrassed you, someone betrayed you?

What happens when you feel threatened, anxious, nervous, defensive in this more subtle, emotional way?

The immediate impulse when you’re addicted to your mind having answers is: I have to do something! I have to figure this out!

It’s just like the thought “I have to run” if you encounter a physical threat.

QUICK! RUN! THINK!!! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!!

And where do you run, even if you’re not actually physically threatened in that moment?

If you’re caught in the addictive cycle, you do anything that helps you escape from the present moment.

Eat, actually run (exercise for emotional relief, not fitness), drink wine, light up, go shopping, clean, analyze, work on a project obsessively, criticize, defend, surf the net…..THINK over and over and over again about the same incident.

Maybe even lose sleep by thinking and thinking.

You believe your thinking will help you find relief.

“If I just figure out how I’m going to handle this and survive, even win, then I’ll be fine, and I can stop worrying (at least for awhile).”

But who would you be without the belief that finding an answer is possible in this moment?

Who would you be if you weren’t going somewhere, headed towards a goal OR running away from something, headed away from the past, even if the past you’re running from just happened 3 minutes ago?

I’d be free-falling in space. I’d be relaxed, floating.

I’d be awake. I’d be looking directly at what ails me, I’d be seeing I’m OK in this moment, not under attack from anything really, except my own imagination.

I’d be here, without missing anything.

Here without needing to think.

I notice that in any moment, I carry on, even if I forget to think.

Turning the reactive thought around: “If I DO NOT figure out how I’m going to handle this and survive, or even win, then I’ll be fine, and I’ll stop worrying, forever.”

Really?

Yes.

Try having it be OK to have zero answers for your predicament.

What do you notice?

“When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one who knows how to yield.” ~ Tao Te Ching #69

Simply notice how your thinking hasn’t given you permanent relief so far, even though your mind has been incredibly full of thoughts.

Yield to love.

That’s the “opposing” force.

The victory will go to love anyway….may as well be now.

Much love, Grace

PS. There is limited room on the webinar tomorrow, but I will record it. If you can’t get on, or can’t attend at that time, I’ll send out a link to the recording in a few days for anyone to hear.

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The Perfect Thing About Wrinkles And Sags

Uh oh. A glimpse in the mirror the other day and I thought “jeez, you are really getting old, look at that sagging face.”

When you think about it, it’s really odd that wrinkles, sags, slackness, soft, weathered skin, are considered unattractive (if they are).

And tight, smooth, unblemished, hard skin textures are considered beautiful.

The minute you spend any time looking with clear eyes, it hardly matters. It almost seems absurd in my mind, like there’s no real connection with appearance and attractiveness.

Looking young is good? Old is bad?

It seems false.

I love my mom’s aging face. I love that something in the life of the body is letting go, allowing space in between cells, opening, relaxing over time.

I went in once to a doctor almost ten years ago to consult him about a face lift.

I knew I wouldn’t get one. I didn’t even have the money, and if I did, I sure wouldn’t have spent it on a facelift.

But since I had inquiry, and I had witnessed Byron Katie talking about her facelift with an upset fan, I thought instead of rejecting the whole thing as wrong and stupid and superficial and ridiculous…..

….and judging plastic surgery as an outrageous waste of mental energy to believing in the body as an asset….

….I made an appointment to actually meet a plastic surgeon, talk about what its like, what happens, how people feel afterwards, and how much it really does cost, instead of making assumptions.

I came out of there with a little more information.

But what I mostly came out with was the idea that if its fun, do it. If not, don’t.

It doesn’t matter! There is no right or wrong!

If you can’t quite get there, and you see yourself in the mirror and think “ewww” then it’s so much fun to find out why.

Ask yourself what’s wrong with the condition you find unattractive?

What does it mean about you, what do you think will happen that’s bad, what is difficult or painful about your appearance, what will other people think, do, say, feel?

They won’t like me.

And what’s bad about that? If they don’t find you attractive or likeable, what will that mean for you?

I’ll be all alone.

And what’s bad about being all alone, no one caring about me or interested, men no longer whistling or approaching me, women no longer finding me appealing based on my image?

Um. Yeah.

Not really sure what’s wrong with that. I kinda like it.

Not really sure it’s even true.

I notice, for example, I myself have never cared much about the appearance of people one way or another, after the first five minutes of connecting with them on a deeper level through talking, being with them, sharing honestly.

Turning the thoughts all around, to check out the other side of duality: “So awesome! You really are finally getting old, look at that sagging face!”

How is this truly exciting?

As I begin to think of the ways….they multiply quickly inside my mind.

I am so much more experienced. I have had children, watched them grow to young adults, I recovered from a terrible depression and self-hatred in my twenties, felt the freedom to not suffer anymore when someone I love and adore dies (like my dad, or my friend), lost money, made money, seen many parts of the world, had so many experiences first hand, am making friends with my mind and this reality in a way I never dreamed possible.

Such acceptance now, compared to before. I wouldn’t trade a single day.

Suddenly a lightness, enjoying this wild planet, how much fun to learn, to be perceived as someone who has been here awhile, to get this chance now, to be someone who has so much more clarity than ever before.

And sagging skin.

I am getting closer to death…it’s so thrilling. That’s going to be so amazing (or not). I have no idea what it will be like, but all this is preparation for that final transition.

What an incredible life, always transforming!

With a wrinkled, sagging face, there are other immense benefits.

What could they be?

People approach me because of my inner glow, not my outer temporary appearance. My wisdom shows on my face. People don’t compete with me or feel threatened by me having a false “youthful” stature. Men don’t respond to a desire to produce offspring, or “get” a mate. Everyone connects with me because of my inner love (this is what I always enjoyed most anyway).

My chosen mate shares in the celebration of maturing life. He adores connecting from a light within, there is no care for it being other than it is. He loves the way I look. I inspire other women over 50 to dance, run, play, move, laugh, be goofy, wear sparkles, be natural.

I asked a dear friend who went gray quite young (age 27) what it was like for her to look “old”?

She said she loved it. She was a young lawyer, and was treated much more respectfully than her peers. She was offered greater compensation earlier in her career, she became a judge very young. She didn’t feel insecure or like she needed to please a boss.  Her opinion was valued instantly, not dismissed.

Who are YOU without the thought your appearance means “x” and it’s bad news?

Maybe you’ll find advantages in the turnarounds you never thought of before.

“There’s a perfect thing going on. There’s not one thing out of order.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Eating Peace – Video #2 – Write It Down

On the first video I sent a few days ago, I identified the three grand areas that most eating pain comes from: lack of power, upset with emptiness, afraid of feeling fear.

Powerless, empty or afraid….or any combination of the three. I used to have all three running at the same time, frequently, in my underlying beliefs about reality.

In this second video, I wanted to give you an idea of how to get clearer in the midst of all these messy, difficult and uncomfortable feelings.

I give you one of the first steps to freedom I ever took.

It was writing down the thoughts going on in my head.

Even if you’re in the middle of a binge, even if you’re full right now when you’re reading this, even if you’re starving hungry but afraid that if you start eating, you’ll take off into another eating frenzy….

….write anyway.

The best thing I ever did on my early journey into recovery from all eating issues was to get a private journal just for me, called a Binge Journal.

If you don’t binge, but you’re wanting to become more aware of your eating, call it your Eating Journal.

You are getting to know yourself through how you reach for food, how you think about food. It’s really how you think about YOU.

Start recording your thoughts every day, several times a day if you can. This is not with an effort to change or force yourself to write anything ingenuine or untrue.

This is only for noticing.

You have to start with examining what is present, with taking in where you are and what you’re working with. Without trying to change it.

Watch this video for some more of my story, and how to get started in identifying what you really believe, so you can bring it out into the light:

How To Stop Your Mind When It Comes To Food? Write It Down
How To Stop Your Mind When It Comes To Food? Write It Down

In the next video, I’ll show you not only how to potentially change your thinking using lazer sharp questions, but also what to do in the middle of a wave of powerless, empty, fearful thoughts…..when it seems like writing just isn’t enough to stop the urge.

“Awareness is a way you keep yourself company. When you are aware you are being compulsive, you are no longer locked in the behavior. You have a choice to stop. That choice–and therefore awareness itself–is freedom.” ~ Geneen Roth

Much love, Grace

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The Downside of Trying Positive Thinking

We have a spot open in 2014-2015 Year of Inquiry, a group of incredible inquirers who are taking a journey together investigating a new general topic every month, bringing their unconscious stressful thoughts from under cover out into the light together.

The change is thrilling to watch: clarity, love, insight, peace and awareness emerge out of everyone. We practice and inspire one another. We stay steady in looking at those places where we’ve gotten stuck on our own. I LOVE watching the expansion!

We began in September, but you can join at a prorated fee for the whole program, or pay monthly. Write to me if you’re interested or want to find out more by hitting reply to this email. There are three dial-in times to accommodate just about every time zone possible, so anyone can participate no matter what part of the world you live in.

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The other day when I was making a short video about where addictive urges come in (I was talking about food compulsion of course, my speciality) I had flashes about how horrible that period of time was for me when my mood was like a roller coaster, and I was very addicted.

The thing is, when you have threatening underlying beliefs about reality, your mood definitely swings.

This is good, that is bad, that is great, this is awful.

Constant commentary. Constantly scaring yourself.

If you’re a believer….then when you think something, your feelings follow. They match what you’re thinking!

I used to believe this meant I shouldn’t be thinking bad thoughts.

Yeah, that’s the ticket.

Think positive thoughts all day long, and I’ll be happy, happy, happy.

Gag.

Seriously?

What an impossible project…and it’s so unnecessary.

Because here’s the good news.

Even when you think bad, difficult, troubling, horrifying thoughts….part of you is actually OK. You’re surviving. You’re here.

You’re human.

And you can’t stop the mind, that’s for dang sure. It’s like trying to stop your blood from pumping through your veins.

What if you let your nutty mind say what it wants to say, for once, instead of trying to mute it?

All I know is, the more I expressed my greatest fears, anxieties, rage, grief and unhappiness and then treated these thoughts like I was the best most loving wise fairy godmother on the entire planet….

…..a really good listener, who cared….the softer they became.

They settled down.

They didn’t have to scream for attention anymore.

Sometimes, they aren’t even home. They’re all out on errands, exploring the rest of the planet perhaps, and the house of my mind is very, very quiet and peaceful.

If those voices come back, well….nothing I can really do about it.

EXCEPT.

I can enjoy their company, see if they have any important messages, keep getting to know them intimately, since they are a part of me.

After all, whenever they come visit, it might be the last time I ever see them again.

“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.” ~ Kahlil Gibran

See what it’s like to give up your quest for positive thinking. To stop worrying so much about thoughts and what they’re doing, creating, running or inventing for you.

You may be surprised at how relaxing it feels, to just allow your mind to be as chaotic and full and anxious as it is, and not try to change it or be so frightened of the contents.

Simply question, instead.

See what happens. No expectations.

It may be way better than any Positive Thinking plan you ever implemented.

Love, Grace

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The Ecstasy of Giving Up How You Should Change

For quite a few years I’ve worked with people deep in the pain of struggling with binge-eating or over-exercising, flipping flopping between being a rigid bad-ass and eating with crazed abandon.

If you think this isn’t you….stay with me here. This flip-flop happens inside so many of us, even if you never over eat or under eat.

You perhaps experience a sense of structure, discipline, force and controlling yourself in some area you feel sure needs controlling….and then swing over into “I’m tired of this! I’ll do whatever the hell I want!”

What I’ve found is this duality comes out of a rule book called Thoughts of Should about how you should be, as opposed to how you actually are.

  • I should be nicer, I should lighten up
  • I should control my temper, my urges, my thoughts
  • I should never be angry, terrified, nervous, whiny
  • I should be more decisive, giving, direct
  • I should be thinner, in better shape
  • I should be richer, more accomplished
  • I should be enlightened, gentle, free

If you believe any of your stream of Shoulds…..ugh.

It hurts.

What if someone close to you who knew you intimately well said the same thing?

Even in a nice voice?

That’d be a major bummer. You might want to get away from them.

You might want to eat, drink, watch movies, surf the internet, read, do anything to occupy your mind you forget about all your deficiency.

But is it actually true, without a doubt, that you should be other than you are?

Yes! I should have several million dollars in my bank account. I should be less sarcastic. I should be less critical. I should be more fun. I should keep the bathroom cleaner, and the yard.

You may feel absolutely certain that you should lose 20 pounds, or 5 pounds. You may feel it is true you should find a mate, own a house, advance in your career.

Notice how you react when that voice is yelling at you.

I feel crushed, like ducking under the table. I want to isolate, get away from other people in case they agree (I secretly thing they do).

I used to feel like eating “forbidden” food (hint: make all foods unforbidden and things will go better in that department…then you can simply choose).

You may feel like drinking, raging, cleaning, criticizing.

But what would it be like to live without these thoughts? Without thinking of them as true, in any way?

What if you just arrived from Planet Jupiter and they don’t try to be different there than they actually are?

Wait. Not try to change?

But. I’ll remain poor for the rest of my life. I won’t achieve it, if I don’t think I should be different. I’ll never be thin. I’ll lie down on the floor and let people walk right over me. I’ll be passive and mute and jello.

Nice try, drama queen mind.

Give yourself the chance to imagine, to FEEL what it would be like without that Should List.

Doesn’t it feel liberating? Don’t you want to bounce like Tigger? Laugh?

Feel the total fun of not thinking you should be different or improved from how you are?

Wow.

I walk down the street differently, I sit in my chair differently, I look in the mirror differently.

Turning the thoughts all around to the opposite….this is so much more true. This is reality. Not fantasy.

  • I should be exactly as nice or as mean as I am, I should sink down (not lighten up), I should be right here
  • I should not control my temper, my urges, my thoughts…I should get to know them, invite them in for tea, appreciate their presence
  • I should be angry, terrified, nervous, whiny….I should be these without shame and allow them to live wildly and passionately through me
  • I should be more uncertain, selfish, indirect…especially with all these Shoulds
  • I should be exactly the weight and shape I am, no more or less
  • I should be poorer and less accomplished…enjoy life without grabbing, notice how pure joy has nothing to do with money, or my happiness, ever
  • I should not be enlightened, gentle, free if I’m believing these kinds of thoughts. When I stop believing them….BOOM. I am enlightened, gentle, free.

WoooHooo!

“Once you realize that the road is the goal, and that you are always on the road, not to reach a goal, but to enjoy its beauty and its wisdom, life ceases to be a task and becomes natural and simple, in itself an ecstasy.” ~ Nisargadatta

Love, Grace

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Awake At Night? Do The Opposite of What You Think, And Sleep

insomniaLast night I woke up with my mind running on about getting stuff done.

Before going to sleep, I had mapped out the next ten days and put things in my calendar to schedule writing time, appointments, what needs to happen first, second, third, tenth.

Now….I was excited, it felt pretty good.

Not scary really. Mostly confident that all I’m expecting and planning and organizing will unroll. Writing, working on keynote for a webinar, emptying the dishwasher, finishing the laundry, responding to emails, driving to the airport again to catch another plane.

But I’ve had times of waking in the night that weren’t so easy. Where I couldn’t go right back to sleep, like I did last night.

Once, there was a really agonizing bad-sleep time.

For nine months straight, I woke up every night at 3:30 am. Never to go back to sleep all the way to morning.

It was like something could not settle inside, no matter what I did.

Anxiety. Thinking. Worry.

During the sleepless time, I went to a weekend workshop with Byron Katie on relationships.

Right there at the workshop, I ran into a man I had been interested in dating. I moved quickly toward him as the workshop session ended, catching his elbow at the conference room exit doors.

He turned to me, but seemed cold and dismissive. I smiled and made friendly conversation, which fell like a lump of dung on the gold hotel hallway carpets as we walked next to each other surrounded by all the other exiting participants. We entered the bustling hotel lobby. He said with an irritated, tired voice that he didn’t want to talk or spend any time together, he preferred to be alone.

He stepped on an elevator, the white button dinging and shining to get on board if you’re headed up. I stayed on the shiny marble floors, and watched the elevator doors close as he turned around and caught my eye, with an uncaring, bland expression.

I waited for the next elevator going up.

But my heart was sinking down. Very far down.

I couldn’t go to sleep at all that night. I tossed, turned over, my mind racing frantically. I would shout at myself to shut up, stop thinking.

The next day, I asked Katie what to do if you can’t sleep.

She said, “How do you know you’re supposed to be awake? You are. Do The Work.”

My body felt nervous, slow, my eyes wanting to close off and on all day. I thought I’d sleep well that night. I saw the man who blew me off throughout the day, in various places in the room, alone or talking with people. I kept seeing him out of the corner of my eye.

I went to sleep pretty early. But then, 2:30 am. Awake.

Instead of lying there fuming about not sleeping, or wanting to cry with desperation….

….I decided to take Katie’s advice.

Do the work.

A girlfriend was sharing my hotel room, so I couldn’t just get up and turn on the light. I took my notebook out of my suitcase, felt around for a pen, and I went into the bathroom and sat on the toilet, closing the door softly.

I began to write.

I am enraged because he is so horrible to me. He ignores me, abandons me, he thinks I am shit. I want him to suffer. I want him to pay attention to me. I want him to wake up. I want him to care about me. He should stop being so selfish. He shouldn’t be such an asshole.

I let it rip.

Suddenly all that I was ever most afraid of came pouring forth.

I felt the same way about life, about God (whatever it was), about reality, about other men, about love, about my family.

It was like a lashing out of all my most terrifying beliefs about being alive here, and my expectations and hopes and despair. Emptiness, aloneness, fear, anxiety, abandonment.

My pen was making loud sounds on the paper, I was so furious I almost wanted to rip the notebook to shreds, break the pen. I couldn’t find words bad enough to say about “him”.

And there I had it. The truth of that festering, babyish, dark and terrified voice inside.

I began at the top, with the work.

I am all alone.

Is that really true?

No. There’s a toilet here with me, apparently (and it’s called my mind, haha)!

Who would I be without the thought that this is the worst moment I could possibly be having right now?

Sitting in a bathroom at 3:50 am with no sleep, raging energy, and a big mirror where I can see myself writing….a great moment?

Yes.

I turned the thoughts around: I am not alone, this is awesome, this is explosive, this is healing, it’s fantastic to be awake, I’d WIDE AWAKE, I’m free, I do not need anyone to do anything, and that includes paying any attention to me whatsoever.

I’m being spared.

I’m with me. I am the best partner, lover, friend, companion, loyal, trusted advisor I’ve ever had. I am my own best friend.

I am enraged because my thoughts have been so horrible to me. I ignored myself, abandoned myself, I think I’m shit. I wanted to suffer. I wanted me to pay attention to myself. I wanted me to wake up. I wanted me to care about myself. I should stop being so selfish. I shouldn’t be such an asshole. 

Sighing and laughing, all at once. All true.

“As the brokenness calls to you, as the doubts sing their crazy song, as stories cascade like oceans, remember that the very homesickness you try to push away is actually inviting you to your true Home, Here and Now, prior to all earthly homes….Raging doubts are explosions of supreme intelligence, calling you to deep trust in your own first-hand experience, and a fearless plunge into the constant embrace of the Unknown.” ~ Jeff Foster 

Later, sleeping happened. First one day, then two, then every night, then almost all the time very sound, deep sleeping. Changing and shifting at times, alarms or late nights or awakeness sometimes, but mostly the sweetest easiest deep sleeping.

And if I’m sleepless, I know what to do.

Love, Grace

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Eating Peace: Three Overwhelming Forces That’ll Make You Eat

People with eating issues obsess about food for many reasons, whether you’re thin, fat, slightly heavy, bulimic, starving yourself, fearing chemicals, being “perfect” about eating, upset with junk food, and everything in between.

Over the years I was deep into problems with food (from age 15 to 28) I’ve had every kind of moment you can possibly have with food.

Comfort, desperation, sadness, consoling, stuffed, starving, dieting, frightened, angry.

Of course, it was really all my experience with my thoughts and my own mind, not so much food.

So where do all those thoughts come from, that create the urge to worry about food, or eat food, or crave food, or deny food?

I found you could boil in down into three major forces. Any one of them, when running unquestioned without any self-inquiry, will kick your ass and start to overwhelm you…

….and no amount of willpower or control can stop the urge to eat.

I tell about these three forces in this video:

Eating Peace with Grace
Eating Peace with Grace

I’ll share more about what you can do specifically to relax, even if your mind is freaking out in any one of these force fields, in a second video in a few days.

If you can relate, and have questions on how to stop your patterns when it comes to food….click on this link HERE and comment over at my blog. I’ll read every comment and answer your questions!

Much love, Grace

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Gather Your Utensils, Nothing Is Missing

Many people have written to ask how to get Eating Peace notes. I send them out every 3-7 days (not every day, imagine that)! To add yourself to that list, click on the very bottom of this Grace Note on the link Update Profile/Email Address in teensy letters, and follow the directions.

*****

I’m getting kind of nervous and excited about creating actual webinars for the upcoming course where I’ll teach all the tools I’ve learned in the past three decades on recovering from eating wars.

It’s me, live and raw and honest about what really has worked and what hasn’t…and how anyone with eating concerns of any kind can have their own precious tool kit (you might like to call it medicine pouch) for discovering peace in life around food.

I’ll be walking through the valley of death…er, I mean…obstacles in this area that were excruciatingly painful for me, the reactions and beliefs that didn’t work so well.

And of course, how to question all of it with the mind, body, heart and soul.

I won’t talk about the specifics of dissolving eating battles here in a Grace Note, but it occurred to me, no matter what your difficulty or suffering…there is peace residing somewhere for you, on any topic,in this present moment.

You don’t have to be upset about food, or eating, or weight, or nutrition….you might notice you’re always out of money, you never feel abundant or supported financially.

You might be seeking a loving life-long partner, and wonder why you can’t seem to do it? Or how to stop bumping up against the partner you have with anger, resentment, or sadness?

Maybe you’ve got issues with work. You never like your job, you don’t feel fulfilled, you dislike your boss or co-workers.

And what about family? Yowser! Those people may have been disturbing you for years.

You can get a medicine kit to work with anything, though. A spiritual, magical, creative, wondrous tool bag just for you.

You already have it, you just might not remember you have it, or remember how to open the darn thing.

“I need to find another tool…I don’t have everything I need yet…something’s surely missing.”

Is that actually true? Are you sure?

What if you stopped in this very moment, holding your problems in mind, and let them live as images, feelings, worries?

Who would you be without the belief that you need to earn or add one more missing thing, you need to “get” something else, you don’t have it all yet, you’re not THERE?

Strange.

The mind moves so fast it will say….

….But….But….But!

Surely, you need x, y, z in order to be truly peaceful? Surely, there’s something missing? 

But what if there wasn’t?

Nothing. Missing.

Look around the room you’re in, the space you dwell. Mind, busy. Heart, beating. Ears, hearing. Eyes, seeing. Blood, pumping.

So liberating to have nothing at all required.

“If you accept the world, the Tao will be luminous inside you and you will return to your primal self. The world is formed from the void, like utensils from a block of wood. The Master knows the utensils, yet keeps to the block: thus she can use all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #28

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I’ll be doing a webinar on Eating Peace on Wednesday, October 22nd, free for everyone who wants to be there. I’ll tell about the Eating Peace program that starts next week, for those who are interested, at the end of the webinar, but nothing is required.

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Hardwood Floors, Splinters, and An Unquestioned Mind

I am safely back in Seattle, the place I apparently live.

Notice the word “safely”.

I’ve been thinking about fear lately, from the very slight nervous anxiety, to full blown trauma and terror, and everything in between.

Fear is a strange and fascinating energy and experience. And usually, it only comes alive when in a flash, the entire psyche mechanism thinks *something* is threatening.

I mean, right now, if a meteor crashed through my roof and I died mid-sentence….

….had I heard nothing, seen nothing, felt nothing, smelled nothing….I would have experienced no fear.

I’d be, simply, gone from this particular form. A pretty simple, quick, easy-going movement from one state of existence to the next, in whatever format that takes.

Fear, I notice, only happens when you get the chance to use your mind, to anticipate what COULD happen, and terrify yourself.

When I was eleven, my friend Anne had a slumber party for her birthday. She lived in a big white house near the tennis club. It looked a little like a castle. I was soooo excited.

In the basement where all the guests stayed, we had soft camping pads and sleeping bags. Some girls claimed the couches. The floor was beautiful shining hard wood, glossy and smooth.

I suggested a slip-n-slid sort of thing…without the water.

Put on your socks, run as fast as possible, then slide like a skiier all the way across the floor. We screamed for joy, and took turns sliding over and over. Our wool socks worked well on the smooth wood.

Until.

A small click sound, almost imperceptible. A stabbing pain shooting through my left foot, right through my thick sock. Pain stinging into the center of the middle soft part of my arch. Agony!

I pulled off the sock, and this sent another shooting extremely sharp pointed pain through my foot.

I gasped.

Right into the middle of my foot was a thick, wide splintered off piece of wooden floor the size of a large fireplace match. Horrified, I pulled at the end of the wood. It hurt so much and my skin just pulled up with the huge splinter, I released it.

Everyone came over to look.

A girl reached for my foot and I slapped her hand away “NO! Don’t touch it!” Fear pulsed through my body. I told everyone to keep away. “I’ll do it myself. Anne, do NOT tell your parents!”

I don’t know what I actually planned to do myself. I knew this thick piece of wood needed to come out of my foot, but my heart was pounding and I felt more panic at the thought of an adult yanking the thing out. There would be blood.

I had my knee bent, the bottom of my foot facing up towards me, like in the cross-legged position. Slowly I moved towards the splinter and pulled on the end.

Excruciating pain. It didn’t budge. The skin seemed stuck to the sides of this gigantic splinter.

I don’t remember how long it lasted. I kept shoeing girls away. “NO! Get away! I’ll be OK, just leave me alone! And DO NOT TELL ANY GROWN UPS!!”

All the girls had gone silent, watching and wondering what to do.

The place was dead quiet.

We were frozen in time, it seemed.

This is a deep way humans sometimes react to something threatening. Go into a cave bomb-shelter, close the hatch, and ignore all knocking from outside. Doomed. Terrified.

Who might I have been if I didn’t believe I would get more hurt if another human tried to help me? Who would I be if I had stopped pushing everyone away?

Little did I know, Anne in her nightgown and socks, snuck up the back stairs and off to somewhere in the house above where her parents were.

Suddenly, breaking the silence, was the voice of her father coming down the main staircase.

Greater panic inside me. I decided I had to HIDE this injury! Everything in me was screaming “don’t let anyone see!”

I quickly shifted my hurt foot from the cross-legged position to sitting on my calves, the bottoms of my feet facing the ceiling behind me.

I sat frozen as Anne’s dad, mostly a stranger, was saying things to Anne on the stairs. “OK, honey, we’ll take a look. Who has the hurt foot?” his head poking around the corner of the room.

I felt around for the end of the splinter, desperately hoping to get it out before they descended on me. Even though it was an awkward position and I couldn’t see my foot really, my heels tucked up against my rear end.

I pulled.

The splinter slipped right out.

What?!

I brought it around to the front of me immediately, about an inch of it covered in blood with a very sharp red point. My foot was then bleeding from the hole, but I was so, so relieved.

Anne’s dad quickly got a towel, and said to get bandaids, and it was washed up and gauze put on my foot with medical tape.

It was over.

It had come out so easily when I moved the position of my foot to soft, with the foot relaxed and caved in towards the site of the injury. But I discovered this accidentally, trying to hide that I was hurt, trying to do it myself.

I had the entire slumber party wondering what the heck to do, the whole event stopped with no way to resolve the problem for what I remember was a very long time….refusing to let anyone help me….

….only to find relief when I switched position entirely and tried again from a different angle.

This is just what self-inquiry is like.

What if that moment was safe?

What if you felt it was safe for someone to help you? What if you were going to be OK, whatever happens?

You might save time. And a lot of agonizing and panic.

“The unquestioned mind is so loud, you don’t realize the happiness underneath that mind. You’re not in charge of it. It’s already there for you. I don’t have to do anything for my happiness; I just notice the world without my story, and in that I notice that I’m happy. It’s always supplied. The unquestioned mind fights with anything that would bring you joy.” ~ Byron Katie

You might notice that what REALLY happened was, you survived and all of it went well, every moment unfolded just fine. Despite your great fears, your panic, your pushing people away…you got help eventually.

You were supported.

You are OK now.

Can you see how that’s true?

Much love,

Grace

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That Mean Thing You’re Thinking Is Not True

Lately I’ve been communicating with quite a few people about urges, cravings, judgments and the experience of overeating, worrying about eating, drinking alcohol, spending too much money, over-indulging….

….feeling out of balance.

When you do something that actually hurts either you or someone else, most of us think about it afterwards. It doesn’t feel right. We mull it over, wonder what went on, analyze, consider.

This type of thinking sometimes ALSO doesn’t feel that good.

How did that happen? What’s WRONG with me?

I can’t believe I said that! I can’t believe I ate the whole thing! I can’t believe I smoked a cigarette, after all those months of quitting!

The problem with going over an incident again in your mind, afterwards, is it’s very tempting to take out a knife and stab yourself with it.

Here’s what I mean.

The other day, I was invited to a dinner with several people who are all peeps in this conference I’ve been attending in Arizona.

(I wrote all about it to the people interested in eating issues who are signed up to receive my Eating Peace notes, so I won’t tell the whole story again here).

It was a lively, jam-packed, upscale restaurant, full of voices, clinking glasses, twinkling candle lights. We sat at a big round table for six.

The kind and generous man who invited these friends was treating us all. He ordered all the food. Waiters were attentively moving around the table, bringing hors d’oeuvres, bread, special sauces, then filet mignon, pastas, greens, pork, then a huge table filled with carrot cake, puddings, delectable sweet delicacies. We had huge goblet wine glasses and everyone’s glass was filled constantly.

Strange, strange….for the first time in many years, I think, my stomach hurt badly afterwards. At first I thought it was fullness, but later in the night realized it was digestion trouble, as my stomach hurt even worse. I had also pushed my wine glass away, it suddenly felt like poison.

And then the harsh thoughts in the night….oh boy!

I shouldn’t have eaten that, I lost my presence, something went wrong, I’m stupid.

This is the normal douse of self-criticism most people give themselves after a difficult experience that feels confusing. It doesn’t even have to be about food, or drink, or smoking, or spending….

….you made a mistake. You screwed up. You broke a promise. You lashed out unkindly at someone and said a mean thing.

Killer Mean Voice enters on cue, ripping you to shreds.

Maybe an incident involved others, and you rip them to shreds in your mind as well.

But I knew, with the deeply discouraged feeling I had inside by the time morning came along, some powerful self-inquiry was in order.

The gentle, open-minded kind.

Not the kind that starts berating you, cutting you down, calling you names and screaming at you to fix your behavior NOW, or else.

As I got up after a very bad night’s sleep, I suddenly thought….

….how could it be useful and helpful that I had that experience with the dinner, that my stomach hurt so much? How can I be genuinely curious about that experience, rather than closed and upset?

Immediately, my body relaxed.

I knew what to do.

I asked myself “what do you need, right now in this moment, if you could have just exactly what you most wanted?”

Love.

Kindness.

The feeling of cradling myself in my own arms, and rocking myself like a sweet little baby.

I jumped on my bike that I had rented the afternoon before, and rode off for a long ride. I happened to take a route (the whole area was unknown to me) that led me to a canyon with magnificent red rocks, shadows and light, cool dark places and a trail that climbed steeply to the top of a great vista.

Even though I had been riding quite awhile, I followed all the Saturday morning people parking cars and gearing up with backpacks, locked up my bike, drank lots of delicious water from the water fountain, and headed up the trail.

All the while, inside, I allowed my mind to scan for what distracted me, what might have bothered me, what underlying thought or feeling deep inside was going on, that would create a moment where I would actually be uncomfortable physically from the food I ate and wine I sipped?

I had the thought…this is perfect that this happened.

How?

Well, one thing was it reminded me how I used to feel like this regularly. In my twenties my social drinking was always a whole night of staying up talking, and I had terrible binge-episodes (those were always alone).

I felt *HORRIBLE* and yet continued.

(Notice, the mean harsh voice didn’t actually change anything).

But, these experiences set me on a path to understand….to find peace.

As I hiked up the trail, watching the other people all about, surrounded by the beauty, I felt completely present.

I remembered, the inner self in this center has no judgment. It is not afraid, it is not critical, or hateful. It does not care what other people are thinking, it doesn’t care what other people are doing, or saying.

I had been in conference rooms, speaking with strain over very loud music, feeling separated, feeling uncertain about my own life, my thoughts, my direction. Not sure I fit in here.

That’s what had been happening, building. Many “you should do this” and “you shouldn’t do that” were entering my mind. I was believing them.

Who would I be without any of those thoughts?

Who would I be without demands, needing to make the conference I was attending successful (whatever that meant), who would I be without needing to change anything about myself?

I would be being. I would be here. Just here. Nothing more.

Nothing necessary, nothing to add, nothing to subtract.

Who would you be without the thought that you’ve done something wrong, when you’ve done something “off” like eat food that doesn’t feel good?

See if you can find that thought right now….you with no mistakes.

You may be surprised at this one tiny change this can make in your inner world….and then how that changes your outer life as well.

“It is Love that leads us beyond all fear and into the solitude of our being.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you have done something uncomfortable for you, simply pause today and notice what you’re thinking that hurts.

It’s not true.

Have you noticed yet?

Much love,

Grace