I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.
Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.
What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven?
One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.
As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.
I was nervous about sharing, period.
Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself!
But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.
So far, 45 minutes had gone by.
Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.
One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.
Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?
I need things to change…is that absolutely true?
Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!
How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?
I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.
There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.
I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.
Especially my own thinking.
So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?
Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?
Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.
“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie
I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!
When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.
Turning the thoughts around….
….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.
Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.
As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.
Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.
I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.
Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”
Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.
I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.
Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.
Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.
“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer
I hope this retreat never ends.