Tag: forgiveness

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Forgiving Yourself

forgiveWWGHave you ever realized you hurt someone’s feelings…after you hurt them…and felt horrible?

Even if it was completely unintentional.

Maybe some kind of miscommunication. Maybe you interrupted someone when they were talking and you didn’t know they were about to tell a true confession. Maybe you didn’t attend a party and the host was mad. Maybe you didn’t call someone back and they were “waiting” for your call.

So that person reacts, then slaps you verbally or acts pissy or ignores you or makes sure you know you were outta line or did something they disapproved of.

Or maybe something extremely painful happened. You ran over a beloved pet, or a person, in your car. Something you did resulted in someone else’s pain.

I’m such a bad person.

It’s a sneaky little self-flagellating thought that doesn’t actually bring much freedom, love or kindness to you, or to other people either.

Let’s inquire.

Think about that thing you said, or did, or the way you acted that it turned out bugged someone….

It was a bright summer day. There were people on the sidewalks, crowding the entrance to the small parking lot for the well-known Puget Consumer Co-op, a health food grocery store in the urban Fremont neighborhood of Seattle. The locally famous statue of people waiting for the bus was about 200 feet away. People take pictures of that thing and decorate it with clothes and all kinds of costumes. Tourists had their cameras out.

I had been circling the block with my baby in the back seat for about 15 minutes, determined to go in there and buy organic groceries and bulk co-op nuts and all-natural pancake flour.

(I was a bit of a hyper-perfection-only-the-best-for-my-baby type mom, it was really annoying….this was twenty years ago!)

My son was asleep in his car seat, I was super tired. But determined.

This was about the fifth time driving the same route through the parking lot, back out to the crowded street, around an extra long block, coming back through an alley this time, re-entering the parking area once again.

Thank God! Someone’s red back-up tail lights! They were leaving!

I paused with gripping fingers on my steering wheel and zipped into the space the split second after the guy pulled away, my blinker clicking.

Relief!

I woke up my one year old son, carried him into the store, set him in the little child seat of the shopping cart and breathed a huge sigh of relief.

As I started down the very first aisle, a man taps me on the arm, looking at me intensely in the eyes. His face is angry, his mouth tight, furious.

“Excuse me. That was very, very discourteous of you,” he says under his breath, softly but with a biting, vicious tone.

I actually turn around and look behind me to see if he’s talking to someone else. No one there. I look back into his angry eyes.

“What?” I ask with my heart starting to beat, a shot of adrenaline racing through my torso.

“You stole my parking place.”

I blink. I’m trying to match his reaction with my actions. I have no words for a moment, he looks so frightening.

I mumble with fear…”oh, sorry, I was waiting a long time to park, I was circling……”

He marches away.

Ping. That’s the moment.

Who would you be without your story?

Who would you be without the belief that you did something wrong, you imposed on someone, or hurt them?

Without the thought that I was a bad person, should have noticed him, should have seen his car, should have paid attention, should have prevented this, should have been more courteous?

Hearing words, seeing a face, seeing a mouth that almost wants to spit, seeing fury.

Like watching a rain storm blow through. Letting the words and the face be the way they are.

Without the belief it is my fault, my body relaxes. The huge lump in my throat might come up and out, and I might have started to cry.

It’s hard to stay without the belief for some. To even imagine who you might be, or what you might be, or what that would feel like.

Be gentle with yourself, gentle with you, with those other angry people or disappointed people. Feel what it’s like to let it be the way it is.

I turn the thought around, the feeling around.

There is nothing wrong or right. There is no fault. It went the way it went. This isn’t personal. I am a human. He is a human. I shouldn’t be so mean to myself, I shouldn’t make this about me. This isn’t about him.

Could there even be something supportive about this moment, this experience?

Wow. Hard to begin. But then, something cracks.

I appreciate this experience of being hated, being dismissed, being misunderstood, because of how deeply it reminds me of my own disappointment, all the times I have misunderstood, the times I have hated others.

It appears that this is the way of it, the way life moves. Fear happens. I know what that’s like.

And now, here in this moment, I can relax and fall backwards behind that fear. I can use even this memory of “doing something wrong” as an opportunity to rest, to love.

I can send love to this situation.

Perhaps those people who dismiss me are reflections of how I feel about myself, of the way I have treated me. Who knows. But I haven’t treated myself very well. I have thought of myself as needy, desperate, without love, insignificant, stupid and powerless.

Someone who doesn’t pay attention well enough to who else is wanting a parking place.

Not exactly the sweetest eyes to look through.

“When you’re being what you are, when you’re living the awakened life, there’s nobody to forgive, because there’s no resentment held, no matter what.” ~ Adyashanti

That includes yourself, no matter what.

You can choose right now to see that you are love, you are loved, you are loving. Not as a little positive thinking message, but as something just as true or truer than your painful story.

Maybe that person bumped up against you and saw you as unloving, because you’re the one who can handle it….and turn it around.

Much love,

Grace

 

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I Will Never Speak To Him Again!

I’m never speaking to that jerk again.

Have you ever had that thought? Have you ever cut someone off hoping never to have conversation with them again? Vowing never to see them again for the rest of your life?

FOREVER!

Sometimes, it seems like the only option. People do this with troubling parents, difficult friends, children, friends, acquaintances.

Let’s look today…this has been one of my own strategies for handling difficult people. Knock them out of my life with silence.

There might be another way, that seems scary, but ultimately more connected, kinder, more vulnerable, and actually….who you really are.

What’s going on in those Shut Them Out moments?

For me, it was always great fear. Fear I would be hurt, destroyed, attacked again after being attacked before. Fear of anger, hate, fear of betrayal, pain. Trying to make sure to diminish the potential angst or discomfort, hoping it never would ever happen again.

But who would you be if you loosened up your grip on building that barrier, that shield of protection?

Here’s what I found: without the belief that I need to protect myself from that person and never communicate….I am free.

Without the belief that there is something terrible and frightening out there, outside of me, that I have to watch out for….

….I connect.

I have compassion, I feel open, alive, fresh. There is no need to drive a wall or wedge between me and that person or those other people.

I fall back behind the burden of using energy to keep myself safe. There is less “I”….there is very little “I”….there is no “I”.

Today I received this email from a local church in my community. It’s a sweet movie demonstrating the truth of forgiveness. Truly letting go of all ill will, fear, concern about someone else’s violence or judgment.

Forgiveness.

What is it?

Could it really be, as Byron Katie says, that forgiveness is finding out that what you think happened….DID NOT REALLY HAPPEN?

Not in the way you really think? Not in that devastating, terrible, horrible way you have been sure is true?

Even if you think you’re right about how you’ve been harmed…can you let love break down your barriers and allow yourself to tap into the wild magnificence of reality, beyond the small you?

Maybe today is the day to contact that person in your life who you believed hurt you so badly, where you lost touch, lost connection, if it feels right. There may never be a better time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects…..When you have no destination in view, you can go anywhere. You realize that whatever life brings you is good, so you look forward to it all. There’s no such thing as adversity. Adversity is just an unquestioned thought.” ~ Byron Katie

The thing about this work, questioning your beliefs, seeing who you are without your thoughts….it’s very difficult to do all alone.

Just like forgiving or making genuine connection is almost impossible to do without reaching out, communicating, using words, expressing.

That’s why I love having a group with whom to do steady inquiry. To practicing unraveling painful beliefs, and find turnarounds, and live them, test them out.

When you get stuck and feel you can’t face others, can’t forgive, can’t find peace….your friends who support you in questioning your most troubling beliefs will support your freedom by encouraging you to bring yourself love, and experience peace.

The other day I looked on in support as one strong person encouraged another very frightened person to call his dad, after the young man questioned his belief that is dad hurt him and was too hard to talk to.

“Go do it now!”

This is called being part of the Peace Movement.

If you’re thinking about Year of Inquiry, we start next week. I’ve had enough people write to me about offering one meeting time outside business hours, so if moving Thursday calls to 5:30 pm Pacific Time (an hour later) would make it work for you to jump in, I’ll consider it. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions.

Another powerful way to get yourself in the Peace Movement.

“The YOI program is immensely valuable and I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in this type of work. You can’t do inquiry by yourself at this capacity, it is almost impossible. I get so much out of a group of people committed to finding the truth for themselves. I’ve done a lot of meditative embodiment work and “the work” seems to be the perfect marriage taking me way deeper into my practice than I could before. I see people just doing embodiment work seem to spin out on stories, and people just doing the work also spinning out on stories, but the two together were terrific for me. I am blowing past all kinds of stories and things I never thought would change in my reality are changing right before my eyes. I feel confident I can create my own reality and relax into what is, all at the same time. Also I notice after doing the work for a year now I can now make the choice not to go down a mental worm hole. I can simply choose not to believe it whereas before the thought process would spiral out of control. My mind is quieter and the world isn’t as scary. Things become a lot more clear and a lot more simple. Thank you Grace for your steadiness and compassionate leadership and thank you to all my brave group members who came with me on this journey!” ~ AK YOI Participant

Much love, Grace

 

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Those Mean People? It’s Not Personal

Summer Camp July Session starts today! Come on board any time this month, it’s only $97 to join every summer camp telejam in July that you can make. Click HERE to join.

Last night on the last summer camp telesession during June, inquirers got together and looked at a couple of powerful stressful beliefs.

Someone is doing something.

You don’t like it.

You wish they didn’t want to do that. You’d prefer they had no interest.

And yet, there they are doing it.

Arrggghhhhh! Teeth grinding!

A son selling pot, a brother-in-law cheating the government, a friend being thoughtless, a volunteer team expecting too much, someone lying.

Is it true that they shouldn’t want what they want?

Yes. When they want these things, they hurt other people.

Can you absolutely know that this is true that their actions, what they want, isn’t good?

Yes. She was awful. She hurt me. She’s out to get me. She wants me to fail, suffer. She’s jealous.

She is wrong!

How do you react when you believe she shouldn’t want to do what she’s doing? When you believe a dictator shouldn’t want to ruin a whole country? When you think that person you care about shouldn’t want what they want, because their actions are causing great pain?

Soooooo angry. Enraged. Furious.

So angry, I wish that person were dead, or never existed.

Wow. Intense.

Who would you be without the thought that the person you have in mind really shouldn’t want what they appear to want?

It takes a moment.

Wait.

Without that belief of being so deeply against what they want….hmmm….

I’d notice my surroundings. I’d notice the room I’m in, the beautiful white couch near the window. My son sitting next to me playing a gameboy something.

I’m curious as I watch this person without the thought that they actually want to do harm.

Even when they apparently have.

Last night I went out to dinner with my husband, son and daughter to celebrate my son turning 20. My daughter was telling us how in history class last year she learned about some leaders who controlled entire countries and generations, and caused the death of many people.

Who would I be without the belief that those leaders throughout history shouldn’t have wanted what they wanted?

It wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t stop them, if I could. Like Hitler.

But the agonizing despair is not present, the depth of the rage and fury.

I can feel the silence and peace within, the emptiness.

Turning the thought around: those people should want what they want.

Perhaps every moment, every experience, everything they’ve ever felt in their entire lives, every encounter….has led up to them having something in them move towards the strange, violent, sick, painful action they are taking.

It may have nothing really to do with me.

How could it?

An entire lifetime happened, inside them, before I ever came along.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in….Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you….If you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.” ~ Miguel Ruiz

I shouldn’t want what I want…especially when it comes to that person I’m perceiving as horrid.

Because it doesn’t feel good to hate.

“If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.” ~ Byron Katie

Astonishing.

I can be free, open-handed, with no shields up, even if I am attacked and killed, condemned, beaten, yelled at, betrayed, stabbed in the back, lied to, abandoned.

I can pick love, no matter what.

I don’t even have to pick…I just question my thoughts, and kindness seems to begin to seep in.

Compassion grows.

It doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, be their best friend, chat them up, or spend time at their house. I might even want them in jail.

But I don’t have to hurt myself by thinking about it and believing it’s true every second.

“They know not what they do.” ~ Jesus of Nazareth

Can you give yourself some forgiveness today?

Much Love, Grace

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Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven? 

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself! 

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.  

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking. 

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.  

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.  

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer  

I hope this retreat never ends.

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Forgiveness All The Way To Thank You

Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.

She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.

From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.

In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.

I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.

I chuckled later.

What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?

You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!

Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.

Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…

….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.

We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.

That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.

Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….

….then time for The Work.

Time for a little Mind Surgery.

As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.

When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?

Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.

Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?

Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?

Am I sure it didn’t go well?

Amazingly, I am not sure.

It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.

I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.

My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.

But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?

What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?

Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?

I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.” 

Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?

I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.

He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.

Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.

That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.

I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.

“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie

Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.

I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.

No forgiveness needed.

Only thank you.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Feeling Like A Victim Is Suffering In Paradise

A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.

Ouch.

The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.

She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.

Most of us know this.

We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….

….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.

When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.

There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.

This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.

The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”

If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.

But how do you stop feeling like a victim?

First. Wait. Don’t do anything.

(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).

Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.

The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.

Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.

This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.

Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.

Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?

Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?

Wow, really?

But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!

Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?

It’s just a question.

I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.

And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.

At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.

When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.

What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?

What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?

I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…

….I actually hurt myself.

That person was helping me to see it.

That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.

That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.

If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!

“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron

What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.

Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.

On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.

Love, Grace

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Forgiveness Problems

Byron Katie says when you’re wondering where to start with The Work, think of someone whom you haven’t forgiven 100%.

Seriously? Someone who I haven’t forgiven 100%? Isn’t that like everyone who even looked at me funny?

And what about money, not showing up enough and being hard to get? Or my body not erasing all signs of cellulite or cancer growth?

What about God/Source/the Universe/Reality for being so freakin’ confusing? Or me, for not being perfectly enlightened at all times in every moment?

Ahhh, there’s the rub. The difficulty at forgiving the self, and all the more subtle ideas about what forgiveness is and how much better it is to DO IT.

Today in the last session of the wonderful teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven we looked at forgiveness and making amends, ultimately towards ourselves.

One dear inquirer spoke for many as she said that she had discovered, during a powerful inquiry session in the past, that she had great expectations for herself to be forgiving.

The following kinds of thoughts can be very stressful, even though they sound true and we’ll nod our heads in agreement.

  • I should be forgiving
  • it’s better to be forgiving
  • being forgiving means I feel all love and tenderness towards the person who harmed me
  • being forgiving means I am quiet, kind, I hug them, I converse with them
  • being forgiving means I live with them, I care about them, I contact them

It’s like The Voice, or the Committee for Spiritual Awakening and Goodness, is demanding you to be an angel, or Jesus Christ, or Byron Katie, or Desmond Tutu….

….but you are not them. You are you.

Your job is to be you. It’s all you can be of course. And if you haven’t been forgiving so far in the past, then that’s what was just right, so far.

What if you turned all that you think about forgiveness, every little stressful belief about it and what it is supposed to look like, around?

  • I shouldn’t be forgiving—maybe not THAT version or definition of forgiving
  • it’s worse to be forgiving—can you find examples of this opposite belief?
  • being forgiving doesn’t mean I feel ALL love and tenderness
  • being forgiving could mean I am loud, apparently unkind, hugs have nothing to do with it, and I may never converse with them ever again
  • being forgiving means I move out from living with them, I don’t care about them (in that same overkill co-dependent way) and I do not contact them

I think about Gandhi, Tina Turner, Martin Luther King, Byron Katie and other great leaders who spoke out, very direct (some people thought of them as unkind) and full of love.

The thing that seems to work best, step by step, is simply to look at what causes or creates stress inside your own mind, and what doesn’t.

Questioning every thought that feels stressful, or like a dictation or order, or command, or “should” or “have to”….including how “loving” or “forgiving” you’re supposed to be….can free you beyond anything you ever imagined.

“Do you want to meet the love of your life? Look in the mirror.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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I Did Something Wrong

I did something wrong.

Isn’t that a nasty little aggravating, or life-crushing gruesome thought?

When humans believe that they did something wrong….it can be devastating in a huge variety of ways.

Some people react to this thought with anxiety, some with defense, some with attack.

The anxious reactor feels they did something wrong and adrenaline shoots through their system. They immediately begin trying to repair the wrong with a new right. Apologizing compulsively.

Please forgive me, I’ll do it better from now on. I didn’t mean it.

It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true, the goal is to make others feel better and love me again!

People with anxiety sometimes can’t sleep, trying to sort out how this could have happened, where they made their “mistake”. Guilt is a predominant thought. Must fix it NOW, I need to have that other person’s approval, I need to have my own approval. Emergency!

Then there is the person whose stressful reaction is defensive. He or she puts up a barrier, draws a line between themselves and that mean person who thinks they did something wrong. The greatest need seems to be to escape the presence of this other human. Go into hiding!

Again, it doesn’t matter whether this “wrong” is true or not, the forces must come in for protection. The Sea Anemone reaction.

And then there is the person who attacks in response to believing they did something wrong. This person might shout, explain, and hold whomever is accusing them of being wrong to be the guilty one. They might come off as “controlling” and angry, vicious, malicious, vindictive.

The attacker might bark “how dare you…!”

All of these are human ways of reacting to the fear that something wrong happened, and I was involved. Even if it’s clear I didn’t commit the crime, even by being accused there is danger.

We all may jump around in all kinds of reactivity, entering all zones and strategies for managing the emotional and mental discomfort.

Whew. As my friends used to joke in high school if any of us got a bad grade or didn’t win the race or got ignored by someone we liked…”that’s rough, girl”.

My favorite way to look at this kind of Big Reaction is to zoom into focus on that original painful belief. There might be several ways to write the belief, there might be extensions to the belief…but getting a core belief identified is an amazing opportunity for discovery.

I did something wrong.

Is it true? Are you sure?

What does “wrong” mean for you? Is it irreparable? Could you have done any better than you did at the time? Do you really need that other person’s approval? Are you sure you don’t have it?

Can you stand in what you did, which is now over by the way, and let it be? Is it OK that you’re human?

What would Martin Luther King, Jr, have done if he was worried about what other people would think when he spoke up, if that rose to the top of his concerns?

What if you did something right? Just perfectly right for that situation, at that time, in that circumstance? What if that experience can teach you…perhaps bring you into a place of love like no other you’ve ever known?

When I went to The School for The Work with Byron Katie in 2005 I identified my absolute worst thing I had ever done in my life: I had had an abortion.

I had such shame, grief, and desperate unhappiness about that experience I reacted every way I’ve described above. I was saying “I am so sorry” to the little unborn constantly, I would be reminded to say it when I saw my children, and many other circumstances. I would calculate how old the child would have been.

I wanted to hide it and never tell a soul for the rest of my life. I felt nauseated thinking about it.

I attacked the bill boards of the organizations that had anti-abortion slogans and felt anger and bitterness towards the groups who displayed them, and renewed sadness.

But when I looked deeply, the deepest I possibly could, given what I believed at the time, I found I could not know that I had done anything wrong.

I would have liked it to go differently, it caused such pain within. I would have liked to have known back then that I could question my own thoughts and give myself love.

I would have liked to have access to another way to do it (or so it seems), but I didn’t. That’s reality.

Are you really supposed to know more than you actually do right now? Are you sure that what you know is not enough in this moment?

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.” ~Tony Parsons

Back in 2005 at that school, I began to find turnarounds to this terrible thing that I had previously believed was wrong, that “I” had done.

I began to see the beauty in that movement, that experience going the way it did. There was great love present in that original “wrong” experience.

You can find it in the things you think you’ve done wrong, too.

Love, Grace