Awhile ago I was out in the city and I ran into an old friend. We stood and talked awhile, traffic and noise zipping past, delighted to see each other.
She mentioned another mutual friend. Someone with whom I had experienced a great confusion and misunderstanding long ago.
From the conversation, I learned that this old friend, with whom I have not had contact in many years, is not feeling very happy.
In fact, he’s unhappy about the same things that he used to be unhappy about when I talked with him regularly.
I also learned that NO, this old friend from the past actually never mentions me, doesn’t seem concerned, and has moved on…..entirely.
I chuckled later.
What? You mean he’s not tormented inside, unresolved, wanting to address what happened, ready to make genuine amends, feeling guilty, wondering about MY life and how I’m doing?
You mean he never even thinks about what went down?!
Some people appear to be able to drop uncomfortable dynamics and let bygones be bygones.
Others of us….heh heh…might run into someone on the street one day and afterwards find ourselves thinking about some difficult and painful situation with someone we knew from twenty or thirty years ago…
….and have all the feelings well up as we recall the scene. We’re sad, angry, or frightened just remembering it, all over again.
We might not feel the full blown feelings to the same height and same intensity, but still…there’s a clench of melancholy.
That didn’t go well, that was a terrible experience, I’m glad that’s over, I could never be that person’s friend again, I don’t ever want to have a friendship end on a bad note again.
Even if the painful situation or exchange with someone was long ago, if it gives a little pinch of OUCH when you think about it, if it feels like you don’t really wish that person 100% joy, or there’s a little dig of feeling like it serves them right that they aren’t happy….
….then time for The Work.
Time for a little Mind Surgery.
As I think about that person, I call up the WORST, most awful, stressful, difficult moment with them.
When were my feelings the biggest, most shocked, most troubled? When was the hardest moment?
Here’s the funny thing. The WORST moment was when I was all alone, reading a piece of paper, when I learned something had been said about me, thought about me, believed about me.
Can I absolutely know it’s true that the moment I was having awareness that someone on the planet was not in favor of me, who I loved, that this was a TERRIBLE experience?
Can I really know that I don’t ever want to have a friendship like that ever again?
Am I sure it didn’t go well?
Amazingly, I am not sure.
It went the way it went, and I already know, from doing The Work on this before, that there were incredible advantages that came out of that experience.
I became more certain, clear and directed in my own personal life about money, friendship, commitment and saying “yes” or “no” than I had ever been in the previous forty years or so.
My personal integrity got really clean and crisp. I said goodbye to drama.
But now, revisiting this person in my mind, in my memory of them…even with all I learned from that experience, can I know that they are not worthy of my blessings, my gratitude, my acceptance?
What was that little dig inside that said “good!” when I heard he was unhappy?
Am I sure that I need to hold back my good wishes for their amazing life?
I think this is what Byron Katie means when she says “forgiveness is when you realize that what you thought happened, didn’t.”
Who would I be without the thought that the person deserves to squirm with discomfort, or be unhappy?
I turn the thought around about how I feel NOW, in this moment, today, as I recall that person’s image in my mind.
He gave me the most incredible gift, I am grateful for that experience, he helped change my life for the better, he played a part for me so that I would make the climb to the high road, and take it.
Without that difficult person, I would never have stepped up to the plate and hit a home run.
That person and all the life circumstances line up and said “PLAY BALL!” And I did.
I learned about loss, acceptance, betrayal, forgiveness, honesty, reality, consequences, trust, and true love.
“Our nature is to love, and we’re believing these thoughts that are Horrors, so there’s opposition going, it’s duality. It’s simply how this wild ego stays identified, as ‘I am a victim of the world’…. if it’s a friendly universe, it’s gotta be a win-win, not a lose. This is tough work, and there’s only one thing tougher, and that is NOT finding resolution.” ~ Byron Katie
Thank you, amazing friend. I wish you the best life ever, I wish you joy and freedom and success and deep happiness.
I am willing to go through something like that again, I look forward to going through something like that again.
No forgiveness needed.
Only thank you.
Love, Grace