A few weeks ago I read about someone who was falsely accused of using sexual favors to grow her consulting business by a competitor.
Ouch.
The part that impressed me the most was that this woman (the incident happened over two decades ago) had the wisdom at the time to slow down and question her thinking.
She knew revenge, rage, fear, self-criticism or being against the situation somehow did not feel entirely right.
Most of us know this.
We can feel that when we’re thinking that person is a mean, vile, nasty, personality-disordered, vicious liar….
….our bodies are filled with stress, unhappiness, terror and sadness.
When we’re sure that if they hadn’t done what they did, that we’d be better off, then we’re the victim in the situation.
There’s no end to suffering when you are positive you were the victim.
This doesn’t mean to suppress and shut down our feelings. They rise up. It’s the opposite really. They are showing us what we believe about the situation.
The troubling feelings are the lighthouse signal that says “Hey there…watch out…there are big rocks over here and if you keep moving in this stress-filled direction, you might get grounded.”
If you do get grounded, it’s not the end of the world, of course. But you may have to rebuild your ship.
But how do you stop feeling like a victim?
First. Wait. Don’t do anything.
(If someone is shooting at you, you probably won’t even think about it—you’ll run. I’m talking about when the dust is settled).
Then sit down with a pen and paper. Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, the worksheet that captures your most painful beliefs about the situation as you look back on it.
The amazing thing about this worksheet, such a huge relief, is that you are petty, horrible, judgmental, critical, condemning right there on paper.
Say it all, say all the childish victim-y things that come to mind.
This gives them a chance to come out of you, onto the paper. Write for as long as you want. Be furious with your pen.
Then pick just one of the concepts you believe about this situation, this person, this wrongful attack, this person who is responsible for YOU being a VICTIM.
Who would you be without the thought that some person in the world has done you wrong?
Without the belief that they have made a mistake about you?
Wow, really?
But they did make a mistake! They are wrong! They should pay! It’s not fair!
Are you open to trying out the question?……Who would you be WITHOUT the belief that you are a victim in this situation?
It’s just a question.
I have found it’s a very exciting, very powerful, broad, expansive question.
And if you give yourself even a tiny drop of allowing yourself to imagine who you would be, you may begin to notice what freedom is.
At least, that’s what happened to that woman who I read about, in her difficult situation. And I’ve had the same experience myself.
When I began to just a teensy-weensy-teensy bit imagine the idea that I was not personally wronged or attacked…I notice a thrill of excitement that I did not imagine would appear.
What if that person was helping you, guiding you in a way, towards a broader, bigger, more loving and awakened life?
What if that person is showing you the direction to take? or NOT take?
I found that ultimately, the opposite was true when I thought someone hurt me…
….I actually hurt myself.
That person was helping me to see it.
That person was helping me to see how strong, capable, centered, and honest I could become.
That person showed me where I might have spoken up earlier, been kinder, been more conscious.
If you can’t see what good came out of that experience for you, even being WILLING to seeing something will bring you curiosity that you may notice is kind of exciting!
“If someone comes along and shoots an arrow into your heart, it’s fruitless to stand there and yell at the person. It would be much better to turn your attention to the fact that there’s an arrow in your heart…” ~ Pema Chodron
What I see now, with my own personal inquiry, is how that person helped me stand on the ground of forgiveness with a rebuilt ship, and sail out into the wide blue ocean of brand new things being entirely possible.
Yes, that person assisted in my personal awakening.
“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”-as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering-the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie
If you have anyone who mildly or acutely feels disturbing in your life, past or present, and if you’d like help in slowing down and investigating for yourself…consider joining the upcoming 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven starting Sept. 13th.
On the same day, in the afternoon, our One Year Group begins…if you’re ready to go long and deep, if perhaps you’re rebuilding your entire ship.
Love, Grace