I’m never speaking to that jerk again.
Have you ever had that thought? Have you ever cut someone off hoping never to have conversation with them again? Vowing never to see them again for the rest of your life?
FOREVER!
Sometimes, it seems like the only option. People do this with troubling parents, difficult friends, children, friends, acquaintances.
Let’s look today…this has been one of my own strategies for handling difficult people. Knock them out of my life with silence.
There might be another way, that seems scary, but ultimately more connected, kinder, more vulnerable, and actually….who you really are.
What’s going on in those Shut Them Out moments?
For me, it was always great fear. Fear I would be hurt, destroyed, attacked again after being attacked before. Fear of anger, hate, fear of betrayal, pain. Trying to make sure to diminish the potential angst or discomfort, hoping it never would ever happen again.
But who would you be if you loosened up your grip on building that barrier, that shield of protection?
Here’s what I found: without the belief that I need to protect myself from that person and never communicate….I am free.
Without the belief that there is something terrible and frightening out there, outside of me, that I have to watch out for….
….I connect.
I have compassion, I feel open, alive, fresh. There is no need to drive a wall or wedge between me and that person or those other people.
I fall back behind the burden of using energy to keep myself safe. There is less “I”….there is very little “I”….there is no “I”.
Today I received this email from a local church in my community. It’s a sweet movie demonstrating the truth of forgiveness. Truly letting go of all ill will, fear, concern about someone else’s violence or judgment.
What is it?
Could it really be, as Byron Katie says, that forgiveness is finding out that what you think happened….DID NOT REALLY HAPPEN?
Not in the way you really think? Not in that devastating, terrible, horrible way you have been sure is true?
Even if you think you’re right about how you’ve been harmed…can you let love break down your barriers and allow yourself to tap into the wild magnificence of reality, beyond the small you?
Maybe today is the day to contact that person in your life who you believed hurt you so badly, where you lost touch, lost connection, if it feels right. There may never be a better time.
“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects…..When you have no destination in view, you can go anywhere. You realize that whatever life brings you is good, so you look forward to it all. There’s no such thing as adversity. Adversity is just an unquestioned thought.” ~ Byron Katie
The thing about this work, questioning your beliefs, seeing who you are without your thoughts….it’s very difficult to do all alone.
Just like forgiving or making genuine connection is almost impossible to do without reaching out, communicating, using words, expressing.
That’s why I love having a group with whom to do steady inquiry. To practicing unraveling painful beliefs, and find turnarounds, and live them, test them out.
When you get stuck and feel you can’t face others, can’t forgive, can’t find peace….your friends who support you in questioning your most troubling beliefs will support your freedom by encouraging you to bring yourself love, and experience peace.
The other day I looked on in support as one strong person encouraged another very frightened person to call his dad, after the young man questioned his belief that is dad hurt him and was too hard to talk to.
“Go do it now!”
This is called being part of the Peace Movement.
If you’re thinking about Year of Inquiry, we start next week. I’ve had enough people write to me about offering one meeting time outside business hours, so if moving Thursday calls to 5:30 pm Pacific Time (an hour later) would make it work for you to jump in, I’ll consider it. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions.
Another powerful way to get yourself in the Peace Movement.
“The YOI program is immensely valuable and I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in this type of work. You can’t do inquiry by yourself at this capacity, it is almost impossible. I get so much out of a group of people committed to finding the truth for themselves. I’ve done a lot of meditative embodiment work and “the work” seems to be the perfect marriage taking me way deeper into my practice than I could before. I see people just doing embodiment work seem to spin out on stories, and people just doing the work also spinning out on stories, but the two together were terrific for me. I am blowing past all kinds of stories and things I never thought would change in my reality are changing right before my eyes. I feel confident I can create my own reality and relax into what is, all at the same time. Also I notice after doing the work for a year now I can now make the choice not to go down a mental worm hole. I can simply choose not to believe it whereas before the thought process would spiral out of control. My mind is quieter and the world isn’t as scary. Things become a lot more clear and a lot more simple. Thank you Grace for your steadiness and compassionate leadership and thank you to all my brave group members who came with me on this journey!” ~ AK YOI Participant
Much love, Grace