Tag: peace

Posted on

Good news….you could be wrong (and one spot in tomorrow’s Seattle retreat)

ocean
Wide open wild ocean at Asilomar, where I’ve been retreating. And now…..more retreating in daily life!

I have missed you this week, I love sharing with you so much, and hearing from those who write.

I have just come away from a primarily silent retreat with the inspiring and loving teacher Adyashanti for seven days.

The only time there was speaking, was if you raised your hand, Adya called on you, and you came to the microphone (in front of 300 people) to ask him a question or have a conversation about this thing called life.

I asked Adya a question.

How do I bring this profound silence and joy that I receive here on retreat into my daily life, and stay connected to serving and being peace?

It was such a good answer.

He is always very kind and generous, and not judgey.

But if I could sum up the answer in one fell swoop, although it was much longer and sweeter than this, it would be:

Don’t be afraid of getting disturbed.

Oh.

Right.

Questioning what’s going on.

I can do that.

We all can do that.

And not just questioning what’s going on when we feel unhappy, or upset, or sad, or mixed up about things….

….but even telling an uncomfortable situation to come on in.

It’s welcome.

When I wish for my life to be one big long retreat, and a retreat has to look like lots of silence and open time, and space and gentleness, good simple meals, lack of work….

….then I will be disappointed.

And very, very confused.

Because really? That’s not what I want at all.

I want life to be exciting, and challenging, and fascinating, and full of wonder and miracles, and change and destruction, and rebirth and passion.

I want what Life wants.

When I don’t, it hurts real bad.

So today, as I have a day of travel and writing and getting ready for a half day retreat tomorrow in inquiry, I can remember about how every single time I thought I knew how life should go and could not find flexibility in my thinking….

….things got a bit worse.

Every time I have stopped, questioned what I believed to be the truth about any situation….

….things got better.

Eventually.

Today, I am so grateful for every harsh, difficult thing I’ve ever gone through, because of what it’s given me along the way.

Today, I am so grateful for laundry, children, cleaning the bathroom, making copies of retreat materials for participants tomorrow, doing the dishes, and cleaning out the Inbox of emails.

Do I really want my daily life to be like a silent retreat with non-stop spiritual guidance?

Who had the idea that it isn’t?

Oh yeah!

That was me!

The good news….if that was little me who had that thought, I could be wrong!

Much love, Grace

P.S. Last minute shuffling looks like one spot has opened up for tomorrow’s December 12 mini retreat 1:30-5:30 pm. Question your mind, change your life. Really.

Posted on

How Do You Know You Don’t Need To Know Why?

whywhywhyOne of the most common questions people have when looking at something very troubling (or even mildly disturbing) in life is WHY?

Why did that happen?

What was the cause?

Why did I act the way I acted, why did he/she do what they did? Why did she feel that way? Why did I feel that way? Where did this come from? Why is it going the way it’s going? What’d I do?

It’s like there’s this huge thirst to understand, to comprehend our nature, or other people’s reasons for doing what they do….

….but can we really find peace in knowing why?

Today in the Relationships Hell To Heaven class, that’s what we were investigating.

I need to know why “x” happened.

Yeah! It’s absolutely true!

If I knew why she dropped our friendship, if I knew why he was so mean, if I knew why he didn’t think our relationship was enough for him, if I knew why that happened to me, if I knew why life has turned out like this, if I knew why I got cancer, if I knew why I had so little money, if I knew why she said that….

....I’d be happier.

Are you sure?

Oh.

Not really.

How do you react when you believe you need to know why…and you don’t know 100% why something is the way it is?

I HATE NOT KNOWING! Argggh!

Participants in the group inquiry yesterday looked closely at how they felt when they believed they needed to know why something went the way it did:

Angry, frustrated, ruminating on the problem, driving their car in silence and rehashing what went on in the past, analyzing.

Who would you be, though, if you couldn’t believe you need to know why, order to be truly happy?

It’s one of those bizarre ideas, noticing who I’d be without the belief that I need to know why anything is the way it is.

Like my mind tries to go down an alley, or an interesting coldesac, or down a hole, or on a journey into space, but there’s no answer….

….and it’s OK that there’s no answer.

Full stop. No need to know why in order to be happy?

Yes.

I notice I have no idea why this world is the way it actually seems, why life is like *this*, why I am alive, why I was born, why the wind blows.

In my family growing up, my parents used to play music all the time. One album they put on regularly was by the singer Odetta who was popular in the 1960s and beyond. She had a fabulous song, a variation on a tune written by Woody Guthrie, I loved since I was about five called “Why Oh Why?”

The song is the sweetest moment of a child’s bedtime.

The child asks in the song….Why is the sky so blue? Why oh why oh why?

The parent answers “…because, because, because, because… goodnight, goodnight.”

“While there is nothing to fear about our natural state of infinite Being, such a state is beyond the ego’s ability to understand, and as always, egos fear whatever they do not understand and cannot control. As soon as our identity leaves the ego realm and assumes its rightful place as the infinite no-thing-ness/every-thing-ness of awareness, all fear vanishes in the same manner as when we awaken from a bad dream.” ~ Adyashanti

Deep breath.

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to know why, if I don’t.

Isn’t that lighter, more free, rather funny even?

“How do I know that I don’t need what I want? I don’t have it.” ~ Byron Katie

I don’t have the answer.

Turns out, I don’t need an answer.

Wow! Can you find it?

Much love, Grace

Posted on

I Will Never Speak To Him Again!

I’m never speaking to that jerk again.

Have you ever had that thought? Have you ever cut someone off hoping never to have conversation with them again? Vowing never to see them again for the rest of your life?

FOREVER!

Sometimes, it seems like the only option. People do this with troubling parents, difficult friends, children, friends, acquaintances.

Let’s look today…this has been one of my own strategies for handling difficult people. Knock them out of my life with silence.

There might be another way, that seems scary, but ultimately more connected, kinder, more vulnerable, and actually….who you really are.

What’s going on in those Shut Them Out moments?

For me, it was always great fear. Fear I would be hurt, destroyed, attacked again after being attacked before. Fear of anger, hate, fear of betrayal, pain. Trying to make sure to diminish the potential angst or discomfort, hoping it never would ever happen again.

But who would you be if you loosened up your grip on building that barrier, that shield of protection?

Here’s what I found: without the belief that I need to protect myself from that person and never communicate….I am free.

Without the belief that there is something terrible and frightening out there, outside of me, that I have to watch out for….

….I connect.

I have compassion, I feel open, alive, fresh. There is no need to drive a wall or wedge between me and that person or those other people.

I fall back behind the burden of using energy to keep myself safe. There is less “I”….there is very little “I”….there is no “I”.

Today I received this email from a local church in my community. It’s a sweet movie demonstrating the truth of forgiveness. Truly letting go of all ill will, fear, concern about someone else’s violence or judgment.

Forgiveness.

What is it?

Could it really be, as Byron Katie says, that forgiveness is finding out that what you think happened….DID NOT REALLY HAPPEN?

Not in the way you really think? Not in that devastating, terrible, horrible way you have been sure is true?

Even if you think you’re right about how you’ve been harmed…can you let love break down your barriers and allow yourself to tap into the wild magnificence of reality, beyond the small you?

Maybe today is the day to contact that person in your life who you believed hurt you so badly, where you lost touch, lost connection, if it feels right. There may never be a better time.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects…..When you have no destination in view, you can go anywhere. You realize that whatever life brings you is good, so you look forward to it all. There’s no such thing as adversity. Adversity is just an unquestioned thought.” ~ Byron Katie

The thing about this work, questioning your beliefs, seeing who you are without your thoughts….it’s very difficult to do all alone.

Just like forgiving or making genuine connection is almost impossible to do without reaching out, communicating, using words, expressing.

That’s why I love having a group with whom to do steady inquiry. To practicing unraveling painful beliefs, and find turnarounds, and live them, test them out.

When you get stuck and feel you can’t face others, can’t forgive, can’t find peace….your friends who support you in questioning your most troubling beliefs will support your freedom by encouraging you to bring yourself love, and experience peace.

The other day I looked on in support as one strong person encouraged another very frightened person to call his dad, after the young man questioned his belief that is dad hurt him and was too hard to talk to.

“Go do it now!”

This is called being part of the Peace Movement.

If you’re thinking about Year of Inquiry, we start next week. I’ve had enough people write to me about offering one meeting time outside business hours, so if moving Thursday calls to 5:30 pm Pacific Time (an hour later) would make it work for you to jump in, I’ll consider it. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you have questions.

Another powerful way to get yourself in the Peace Movement.

“The YOI program is immensely valuable and I would highly recommend it to anyone interested in this type of work. You can’t do inquiry by yourself at this capacity, it is almost impossible. I get so much out of a group of people committed to finding the truth for themselves. I’ve done a lot of meditative embodiment work and “the work” seems to be the perfect marriage taking me way deeper into my practice than I could before. I see people just doing embodiment work seem to spin out on stories, and people just doing the work also spinning out on stories, but the two together were terrific for me. I am blowing past all kinds of stories and things I never thought would change in my reality are changing right before my eyes. I feel confident I can create my own reality and relax into what is, all at the same time. Also I notice after doing the work for a year now I can now make the choice not to go down a mental worm hole. I can simply choose not to believe it whereas before the thought process would spiral out of control. My mind is quieter and the world isn’t as scary. Things become a lot more clear and a lot more simple. Thank you Grace for your steadiness and compassionate leadership and thank you to all my brave group members who came with me on this journey!” ~ AK YOI Participant

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

Be In This Yuck Place From Your True Nature

“I don’t like it here.”

 

This past week, two inquirers noticed this thought and how terribly stressful it could become.

 

Ooooh boy, I can relate.

 

I used to have this thought all the time about being on the planet.

 

I once had a very dear friend who felt constantly depressed because of living in the same city I live in, where it rains a lot during the winter. She stayed here for a decade. Then finally, returned to the place she grew up. Lots of sun.

 

Depression and sadness averted? Not really.

 

I had another friend who moved as far away from home as possible, to a place where the weather was mild, the people were mild, the temperature was mild, the landscape was mild. Lots of successful-looking huge houses on the beach. No family drama.

 

Was the inside of his head mild?

 

Uh. That would be NO. He struggled constantly to stop anxiety, switch medications, find another new solution, and change his feelings of rage towards other humans.

 

Let’s do The Work.

 

If you have a place you think of as imperfect, or horrible, where your life actually takes you there on purpose sometimes, then recall it now.

 

Even if you hardly ever go there anymore, but when you talk about it, you complain with a vengeance….this may be your chance to settle something important about that place.

 

You don’t like it there.

 

Is that true?

 

Yes, it’s dirty, dusty, noisy, the water comes out of the taps cloudy, everyone tries to pick your pocket, the food could make you sick, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, too many creepers on the streets, too much snow, traffic, pollution, people squish you, too crowded, houses are too ticky-tacky matching…..

 

….you get the idea.

 

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you don’t like it?

 

I close my eyes, I feel what that place feels like.

 

I slow waaaaay down. Hearing, smelling, tasting, seeing, touching, feeling. Being there, remembering it, images rushing by in my mind.

Not absolutely true.

How do I react when I believe I don’t like it here?

I talk about it, I fight against it, I disagree with other people who do like it, I hate positive comments about it, I attack it, I feel aggressive towards it, I feel frightened and run away from it.

I think of it as a problem that must be solved.

I love it when I said to my husband “I hate the clutter in this room! It’s the wrong furniture! It’s been five years of living this way!”

Like we’ve been living in terrible conditions and he surely agrees with me what a terrible plight we’re in.

“Your life is in a mess. You want to get out of it. It’s in a mess because of your ideas. You have wrong ideas. Don’t even bother trying to catch the culprit……The simplest formula to this: the world is full of sorrow, the root of sorrow is desire or attachment, the uprooting of sorrow is desire-less-ness, the uprooting of attachments.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Who would you be without the thought that you don’t like it here? That it’s fine if you prefer one place over another place, but you don’t really mind this situation?

Without the thought that right here at the dump, in the garbage pit, on the side of the freeway, in the middle of war…..I don’t believe with a vengeance that I hate it here?

Really? Wow.

It does not mean that I don’t look around, get up, seek shelter, ask for help, move to a quieter table.

I can do all those things, and have preferences….without clinging on to the belief that I should like every minute of every hour non-stop.

I like it here.

Could that be as true, or truer?

I notice, it is so much more fun to like it here. Incredible, really. The most fascinating and luscious place, such variety, the movie changing constantly, every moment a different possibility.

A movement, a hum, ideas coming and going, nothing to fear, nothing to actually be against, nothing to eliminate. Including everything, everything.

I like my thoughts here. They, too, come and go. They spring up then fade back. Intense, then asleep.

Even the middle of a concentration camp. Not playing at denial, simply noticing there is something to like here.

This heart beating, the sky, a bug, that sound.

Who knows what might happen, now that you like this place, just a little. The war might be over. And you could live anywhere.

“You realize that you never really wanted whatever you thought you wanted. You realize that behind all of your desires was a single desire: to experience each moment from your true nature.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Peace Requires Only One Person–You

The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”

People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.

I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.

If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.

Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….

….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”

There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.

I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.

BOINNNNGGGGG!

Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).

Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.

Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.

Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.

Afterall, I need it to stay alive!

  • they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
  • I need to comfort them
  • I should say something soothing
  • I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
  • they should see that they are capable
  • they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help

This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….

….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.

Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?

Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?

Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!

Isn’t it obvious?

Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?

Is this person really a victim?

No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.

So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?

Oh the pain!

I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.

I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!” 

Yikes! It is very, very stressful!

Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?

Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.

Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.

Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.

Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
  • I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
  • I should not say anything
  • I should say what is true in this present moment
  • they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
  • they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it

“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti

To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.

Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.

All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.

“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace