The other day an acquaintance, who I only know from a monthly meeting we both attend, said to me while filling me in on her recent long travels “Now, I can’t even button up my pants, the food was so good, I’m such a pig, ugh.”
People say disparaging things about themselves all the time, but my ears especially hear the ones where they are self-critical about their weight.
I often feel momentarily stumped on how to respond.
If she could only see herself through my eyes! I saw someone worried yet capable, curious and interested in another way, in that moment.
Some of us know folks who say mean things out loud about themselves all the time: she’s my better half, I was such an idiot, I never remember the important things, I’m horrible at directions, get me around some chocolate cake and its absolutely gone, I can’t keep that stuff in my house….
….or what about our children? There they are with big crocodile tears rolling down their cheeks saying “I can’t do it! It’s too hard!”
There is a term “My heart goes out to her”.
I see a heart leaving my body and shooting over to that other suffering person, like the way the Jack-In-The-Box jumps out of the box.
BOINNNNGGGGG!
Then tears well up in the throat, a feeling of warmth and speed throughout the whole torso (maybe where the heart used to be, who knows).
Hand-wringing, sadness, I need to help, this person shouldn’t feel bad.
Examining that feeling, and seeing the connected thoughts, is a great exercise in understanding how to change your experience of Other People’s Pain.
Because it’s not peaceful. I’d rather my heart was back here, inside me.
Afterall, I need it to stay alive!
- they are suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing
- I need to comfort them
- I should say something soothing
- I should say something that gets them to calm down, stop being critical, changes their perspective
- they should see that they are capable
- they need support of SOME kind, if not me, they really do need help
This doesn’t mean that doing these things is not appropriate, natural or loving in those moments….
….it’s just watching yourself move into any kind of panic, nervousness, worry or sadness along with that person.
Is it true that this person, who is feeling bad, complaining, uncertain, scared, or even suicidal….is it true that they need help from me, from someone, right now ASAP?
Is it true that if they don’t get help, it will get worse, or the very worst WILL happen?
Yes! Something’s gotta give! This can’t go on! That person has been suffering on and off for most of their life!
Isn’t it obvious?
Hmm. Is it really true that they need help, or that you know what kind?
Is this person really a victim?
No. I can’t absolutely know that this is true.
So how do you react when you believe that they really need help, they should stop being so self-defeating, they must have support…or else…?
Oh the pain!
I’m sad! I think about them, even when they are not here. I might even think of them in the middle of the night.
I brainstorm solutions. I go through the list in my mind of who might be the best “helper”. I think things like “that person should do The Work!!”
Yikes! It is very, very stressful!
Who would you be without the beliefs that they are not capable, they are a victim, there is a problem here that needs to be solved, that there suffering must be stopped…immediately!?
Watching, interested, focused, attentive. Looking at life unfolding itself, in the form of that person, in that moment.
Noticing that something comes to me to say, or not.
Aware that support is alive…everywhere. I’m not the one running things. I have no idea that this path is the “wrong” one for that person.
Without the thought, I also notice that I don’t flip to the opposite spectrum of reaction, either…the infamous “cut-off” approach….the “you’re a loser so I’m dropping you forever” approach.
I turn the thoughts around:
- I am suffering and it’s hard, terrible, sad, agonizing as I look at them this way
- I need to comfort myself, I do not need to comfort them
- I should not say anything
- I should say what is true in this present moment
- they should not see that they are capable, I should see that they are capable
- they have support of all the universe, they don’t need my personal help unless I can easily and peacefully give it
“True autonomy is not trying to fit in or be understood, nor is it a revolt against anything. It is an uncaused phenomenon. Consciously or unconsciously all beings aspire to it, but very few find the courage to step into that infinity of aloneness.” ~ Adyashanti
To find out who I really am without the belief that my heart goes out to someone…..in a painful, sad, stressed, desperate way.
Incredible. Mystery. Infinity of Aloneness.
All is well. Maybe not as scary as you thought.
“Peace doesn’t require two people; it requires only one. It has to be you. The problem begins and ends there.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace