Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?
Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?
How can I decide? Yowsers!!
Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….
…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.
In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.
The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).
I had to stop and consider the question.
Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?
My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.
And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…
…I knew the answer was No.
But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!
Hand wringing, hand wringing.
If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.
Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….
….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….
It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.
My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.
A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.
I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.
For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.
I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.
Now Sean was driving me to the airport.
That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.
That was a very, very hard decision.
I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.
Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.
What a grand place for The Work.
Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?
Help Help Warning Warning!!
(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)
Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?
No. I do know.
“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti
Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?
Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.
Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.
Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).
Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.
No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.
You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.
“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie
Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you.
To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.
Much love,
Grace