Tag: making decisions

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Big decisions? You don’t have to figure it out.

Trouble deciding? What are you afraid of?

Decisions, Decisions.

Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?

You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).

But I can’t decide!!

If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).

Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!

That’s the fear, right?

I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.

A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).

My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.

Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.

Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.

Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.

This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).

Worry, fret, anxiety.

Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.

  1. the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
  2. the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened

The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.

If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.

For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.

If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?

WORKSHEET!!

Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.

Now, as for #2 above.

You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.

Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?

Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?

You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?

But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….

….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.

The future has Not Yet Occurred.

So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:

Something terrible will happen.

(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).

But is this true?

Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?

How about something terrible MIGHT happen?

Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?

No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.

How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?

Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.

So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?

What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?

Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?

Huh.

What would I be. Hmmm.

I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.

I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.

No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.

Nothing required.

Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Wow.

“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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What If Whatever Is Decided Is Absolutely OK

Last weekend, I actually chose to cancel a really fun awesome social event I host in my home from time to time….singing.

I had a sore throat.

One of this body’s things is sore throats.

Some people get allergies, or colds, or sinus infections, or bladder infections, or fevers, or migraines.

But I’ve had some killer sore throats. Like, the kind a doctor got out a big shot gun needle and gave me penicillin in my thigh as a kid because I couldn’t even swallow a drop of water my throat hurt so much.

 

I’d say at least once a year, here comes the sore throat.

I knew it was right to cancel singing with everyone because I felt such relief once I did it, and I went to bed to lie down.

But before I actually decided….

….I noticed the idea come through my mind “you could cancel, you know….”

And I watched myself not cancel.

Not yet.

Maybe I’ll get a second wind.

Maybe it will start to go away.

Maybe I could enjoy myself anyway–we’ve all had one of those experiences where even though you’re pretty sure you’re ill or have a virus–you go anyway, and have a good time.

Once a decision was made, there was no problem. Resting and sleeping, very soundly, was a brilliant idea.

But that in-between zone before making that decision….that was hard.

I love everyone who’s coming, I don’t want to be disappointed, we won’t get to sing again for weeks and its already been a long time, I need to connect with fun people, I’ll regret it if I say no. 

Who would I be without the belief I’ll be unhappy in the future because of a decision I make right now?

What if ANY decision made is the right one, and there’s no “wrong” decision, no alternative that might have gone better (or worse)?

Because the one made is the only reality.

There is no alternative.

Who would you be without the belief you made the wrong decision, or a troubling decision, or a hard decision, or a bad or awkward decision?

I’d be resting.

Smiling when my friend texts me a photo of the pot of friend rice he had prepared for the potluck now canceled, saying he now gets to eat it all himself.

Noticing the stillness of the air in the room, the comfortable bed, the aching glands, the sweetness of holding still.

Today, I still have a bit of whatever is visiting this body, but I’m writing, podcasting, meeting with several clients via skype and phone, sending emails, up out of bed….but not moving fast, eating vitamin C, feeling the slow energy.

Could slow-pace quiet stillness all by myself be just as good as friends gathering together?

Apparently yes.

Here’s to decisions, and what unfolds naturally, and noticing it’s really not a problem.

Enjoy laughing about decisions.

If it’s not so funny for you….question that thought.

Here’s hilarious Ellen, on making decisions:

Ellen's monologue about making decisions
Ellen’s monologue about making decisions
Much love,
Grace
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Let Go Of That Decision, Notice Fulfillment Now

I have to make the right decision!
Question Your Need To Make The Right Decision

I’m not heading to Los Angeles to the Cleanse after all.

It’s weird the way things unfold. Almost never as expected, never as truly anticipated.

In fact, right now I really have no idea what’s happening next week!

Except it’s not likely I’ll be driving to the airport and getting on an airplane, given I just cancelled my flights. Nope, I’ll be right here in Seattle doing many family things with my kid who is home from college, and my husband who’s having a birthday.

Staying home seems the way of it.

It doesn’t even seem like Staying Home Vs. Going To An Event is a pro-con situation. Both are fantastic.

I can even picture the joy of either one of them, the fun of each day, the activities that could be possible, the insights, the awareness, the learning, the laughing.

Sometimes….people have a bit of trouble when two choices both seem wonderful.

When there are so many possibilities!

Here’s a sneaky little thought that I discovered would sometimes cloud my clarity and make me very torn between two decisions, if I started to believe it:

Later, in the future, it would be *terrible* to feel regret about this decision. 

Therefore, I must prevent that bad, shameful, guilty, disappointed feeling from ever happening.

The way to prevent that terrible, shameful, my-fault feeling from happening, is to make DANG SURE you make the right decision NOW so you feel all good later on….

….like you can say “I made the right decision, I rocked it, I made this happen, yeah baby!”

And strut across the room with confidence and pride.

Not the opposite outcome. The opposite would suck.

The opposite is very possible….so WATCH OUT.

Pause.

Pretty stressful, right?

If so much is weighing on a future moment when it could be your entire fault that you feel disappointed, or happy, then you may carry the weight of responsibility that’s very crushing.

Who would you be without the belief that this decision in the present moment is creating a future experience of happiness OR unhappiness?

Who would you be without the belief that a decision between two, or several, options is CRITICAL for your happiness? Or even other peoples’ happiness?

Wow. Seriously?

But all the books and teachings and philosophies scream that whatever I decide today invents my future, creates my reality later on….right?

It’s up to me! I needa make a good decision, really….I have to pick the “right” sandwich on the menu or I’ll have a sucky or fabulous time eating lunch.

There is a Wrong Decision and a Right Decision.

Isn’t there?

Stop!

You’re supposed to know the future?

Who would you be without that thought?

Back to what’s going on HERE.

Noticing that right now today, stuff is happening, options are being presented. I am dreaming of events, moments, time passing, jet planes, airports, hugging people, staying right here in this city, connection, conversations, being with people I absolutely love….strangers or family….all of it different incredible flavors.

Noticing that no matter where I am, it’s possible to enjoy what is.

Turning the thoughts around….

….there is absolutely no way to know how the future will go. It doesn’t matter what I choose. I look at the options with joy, I pick, it’s over.

Balance.

What if I couldn’t miss anything? What if there is no rhyme or reason or need to do anything for this outcome I think I seek? What if nothing is required?

What if there is no preventing disappointment, or generating pride, no way to determine success or failure, based on the decision? 

What if none of this is *entirely* up to me? 

I notice a great peace with people who stop trying to make the right decision with such vengeance.

“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7

Stay, go.

Right now, good.

Put down your burden. Fulfilled right now.

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for MONEY teleclass Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks, teleclass, awesome insights into learning to love your Money Story.

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Decisions Decisions! But The Universe Will Give You What You Need

Decisions Are Easier Than You Think
I have to make the right decision!

Recently I’ve been having a difficult time making a decision about leaving home to attend a big annual event (known as The Cleanse) with Byron Katie.

Don’t get me wrong….it’s a beautiful event where Byron Katie sits with an empty chair on stage, and one by one, people sit in the chair next to her to do The Work, to investigate a situation or person in their lives who’s giving them grief.

In the end, through 3.5 days of that available chair on stage, perhaps 20 or 30 people get to sit with Katie as she facilitates them in looking at their beliefs about something terrible that happened, or something super irritating, something tragic, even something tolerable but persistently stressful.

While the four questions are the same for everyone, Katie–like all of us–has her original and unique way of working with them.

The process is so fascinating delving into the mind and what we really believe is absolutely true, that 400 people will come just to listen.

So yeah. It’s a cool event.

So is staying home in Seattle with my family including my son who will be back from college, my very cute husband who has a birthday on January 4th, and festivities of connection with people I love.

Without airports.

When you have a decision to make between two really awesome things….what to do?

This can happen with far more than two options for where you’ll be located during a particular time of year.

You might have a choice between two people you’d really like to have a committed relationship with, you might have to choose between two delicious meals on the menu, you might have to choose should I stay or should I go….

….the important thing to note is “this is stressful!”

Which means….time to take a look.

What I’ve found in this decision-making angst are usually three OTHER stressful thoughts that are the real confusors:

  • I will miss something VERY meaningful
  • I could make the wrong decision
  • I can’t trust my decisions (because see #2)

But what if you didn’t have any of these beliefs?

What if you didn’t think you’d miss anything….EVER? No matter what?

Turning the thoughts around: I won’t miss anything, it’s not possible to make the wrong decision, I can trust all my decisions. 

Wow! Stunning!

What a load off!

I notice I look at flights, I look at hotels, I don’t make reservations, I feel joyful and I wind up talking with my friend Gai in Australia on skype and drinking tea.

It is obviously not necessary to know what I’m doing at the end of December right now.

I will have a clear yes or no when I do.

It may not actually even be up to “me”.

“The universe will give you what you need, against your best thought….When you do The Work and turn your thoughts around, you find advantages for what happens. You win if you’re right, you win if you’re wrong. In my life I always win, win, win, win…” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment now, all is well, future unknown.

As I feel this to be true, I realize that in the future, it will also be true….now.

Oh! I do always win!

Much love,

Grace

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Yes? No? Maybe? Finding Freedom From Gut-Wrenching Indecision

Oooh boy, when it comes to making decisions, sometimes it produces a lot of stress inside.

What should I do?! Which should I pick?! What if I regret it?!

This past week I’ve talked with not one, not two, not three, but FOUR wonderful inquirers on this topic of making a decision….

….and how much it hurts.

The pressure, the worry, the fear.

Inquirers I spoke with either had a decision they just made that was painful, or an impending deadline with a big decision looming, or the hand-wringing decision where the list of pros and cons seems about the same, so you can’t decide.

But before I say more about inquiry and decisions….some of you have asked about upcoming teleclasses.

I’ll be offering my powerful 8 week Relationship Hell to Heaven teleclass starting Monday, Sept. 22 at 9-10:30 am Pacific time.

Any relationship will work as your starting point.

Anyone you’ve argued with or felt disturbed by. We start from the beginning to look deeply at that person, those conditions, those situations…and understand what really bothers us, what’s true and what’s false.

More on this later, but if you want to register, you can click the button at the end of the email. If you have questions, hit reply and I’ll answer.

So back to the decision drawing board….

….Ha ha, isn’t what I just did just like making decisions sometimes?

You start contemplating a problem, a dilemma, or a choice, and you begin to sort out a few ideas about each. You research and collect some information. You’ve got an idea in mind, why you’re even thinking about all this in the first place.

And then, you switch the subject.

Whatevah, I can’t make a decision right now…I’ll wait and see.

It doesn’t come easily. Your mind gets tired. You ask your friends and family to all listen to your dilemma and put in a vote.

A friend once told me about how she had so much trouble making decisions at one point in her life, that if she was presented with two options for events in one night, she’d get sick to her stomach.

She would start driving to one, change her mind and turn the car around to head to the other, then turn the car around again to head back to the first.

She wanted to be in both places at once.

This might seem minor, but the anxiety can be monumental.

The first thing to do is to see what your mind is telling you about this decision. It may not be very friendly.

  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity
  • If I don’t say yes, I’ll have nothing
  • If I don’t choose the right thing, something terrible will happen
  • I have to make the right decision
  • It’s possible to make the wrong decision
  • I could ruin my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will lose forever
The dilemmas I heard about this week were big. Whether or not to have a baby, deciding between two schools for a child, what to do with a beloved pet, whether or not to enroll in a program.

I just about exploded my own head with important decisions: what to major in at school, should I go to graduate school, should I get married, buy that house or this house, offer this program, quit my part time job, get a job over there, homeschool my kids…

I think I drove my friends seriously crazy with that decision about homeschooling kids! (More on that one in a past Grace Note).

So let’s look at these core thoughts about decisions, and what the REAL fear is.

Is it true that you have to say yes, or lose something? Are you sure YOU *have* to make the right decision? Are you positive that if it goes bad later on, it will be because of YOUR decision? Are you sure you couldn’t handle a little disappointment, or new information, down the line in the future?

Well….no. Since you put it that way.

I have no idea what will happen tomorrow. Or next week. Or after I decide. Life will carry on, until it doesn’t.

How do you react when you think you’re in charge? When you think it’s all on you, your the one who has to make it happen? When your actions have to be right, not wrong, and your future MUST be favorable?

Yikes! So much banking on this future, so much fear of feeling bad later on and trying to avoid feeling bad or feeling regret or feeling like I lost something!

Who would you be without that belief, if you couldn’t think the thoughts that you need to make the right choice, it HAS to be good, you can’t make a mistake, you might hurt someone or yourself, you have to be very careful?

Woah.

Ha ha. Not so serious.

“You can sit there and think, ‘Oh, I need to do something with my stocks’, and then you can inquire. Is It True? No, I can’t really know that…..So you just let the process have you. You just sit there with what your passion is, and read, and watch the Internet and let it educate you. And the decision will come from that, at the perfect time. It’s a beautiful thing. You’ll lose money because of that decision, or you’ll make money. As it should be. But when you think you’re supposed to do something with your stocks and imagine that you’re the doer, that’s pure delusion. Just follow your passion. Do what you love, inquire, and have a happy life while you’re doing it.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around:

  • If I say yes, I’ll miss a huge opportunity….if I say yes OR no, I’ll always have opportunity, as long as I’m alive
  • If I say yes, I’ll have nothing….I love nothing, space, emptiness
  • There is no right or wrong thing, and something wonderful will happen….it always does
  • I do not have to make the right decision…there is no right or wrong decision, I can work with whatever happens
  • It’s impossible to make the wrong decision
  • I could save, create, build, expand my life or someone else’s life if I make this decision
  • What I say “no” to, I will gain forever

Couldn’t these thoughts be just as true, or truer about making decisions?

And I love what one fabulous inquirer found just yesterday in playing with the turnarounds all the way:

“A right decision has to un-make me.”

Giggling! So true!

All my effort, anxiety, pushing, poking, weighing-in, analyzing….

….all of it assisting the un-doing of “me” as the boss of the future, when it comes to decisions.

“In the pursuit of knowledge, every day something is added. In the practice of the Tao, every day something is dropped. Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48

And here’s the link if you want to sign up for Relationship Hell to Heaven, 8 weeks of doing The Work on People. Freedom!

Click here to read all about it, and register.

Much Love, Grace

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When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti  

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you. 

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace